“Can all of you just shut the hell up for once!” The entire Griffindor common room turns silent in an instant, heads turn to stare at the red haired girl who uttered the words sitting in one of the armchairs in the corner next to the stairs. Even her friends sitting around her looked at her with surprise, clear on their features.
Lily Evans was never known for losing her temper. She could get annoyed and pissed off, mostly because of the marauders' many pranks, but she never let her feelings get the better of her. She always stayed level headed and cool, screaming wasn't her thing. Calculated plans, clever sassy responses that came to her as naturally as drawing her next breath and left boys blushing and girls laughing, that was her thing, never screaming.
From the couch standing in the center of the room, the marauders, who had been the reason for her exclamation, were all looking at her even more shocked than the others. She had made it clear through the years that she didn’t find their pranks as entertaining as the rest of the school. She had also clearly shown her annoyance at James Potter's many attempts to get a date with her, many failed attempts. But though they had been on the receiving end of most of her annoyance during her time at Hogwarts, they had never before been the reason for her anger.
Because her anger was a rare sight. The first time it had been directed at someone was a couple of weeks ago, when a Slytherin and former friend of hers directed his prejudices, not at her, but rather at a friend of hers, Mary Macdonald.
Because that's another thing that makes Lily Evans who she is, her unconditional loyalty to the people she cares about. Most people who make comments about her, and that is almost a daily occurrence these days, walk away with nothing worse than a hex thrown at them. But the people who make predjudes comments about her friends, they are lucky if all she uses is a curse. Severus Snape learned that first hand that day. He was already on her bad side but his ignorant comments that day pushed his luck, and Lily’s annoyance, far beyond either of its capacity.
Anger is a powerful emotion, and when you mix that with Lily Evans raw talent. It's borderline deadly.
Severus, as well as two younger Slytherins who had joined in on his remarks that day, was forced to stay in the infarmy for five days in order to heal the damage made. Regrowing bones is a nasty business, and the process of creating a potion to stop oneself from throwing up every time they open their mouth to speak is a lengthy one.
Logically that should have been enough to get her expelled, suspended at best. However, she walked away without as much as a detention. Simply because there hadn’t been any teachers around, and the only students, other than the three slytherins, were her friends Mary, Marlene and Remus. None of which were going to rat her out for something they themself had felt like doing.
The three Slytherins surprisingly didn’t say a word about what Lily had done either, all of them for their own reason. Not that they were in a position to do much talking considering they couldn’t get a word out without throwing up their guts up on the floor.
Severus kept quiet simply because of the feeling he still held for Lily. Even though she was more than ready to walk away from their relationship without ever looking back he still thought that she would one day return to him. He had the jet to realise that when you get on Lily evans’ bad side it’s near impossible to come back. Especially when you are too ignorant to even realise the real reasons for her anger.
His friends had other, very simple reasons for keeping quiet. A newcom fear of the red head, joined by the embarrassment of the three of them not being able to hold their ground against one sole mudblood.
There were of course questions from the faculty when three students ended up in the infirmary with serious harm upon their person without any explanation of who was responsible. However, the incident was eventually written off as a fight between the three Slytherins that went out of hand. They were given a firm talking to buy their head of house as well as the headmaster. Along with a week long detention for causing harm upon a fellow student, and housemate, as well as putting others in danger.
Despite the fact that the truth may have stayed hidden from the teachers, it did not long stay a secret from the students when the rest of the marauders got to hear of it from Remus. By dinner that same day, every single Gryffindor, a few Ravenclaws and an even fewer number of Huffelpuffs was aware of what had happened. By the next morning, everyone knew what had happened.
However, the Griffindors were the only ones loud in showing how they felt about her actions. Claps and cheers could be heard when she entered a room, a courtesy of the marauders, as well as other ornate gestures. The other houses however, sent their thoughts a little more subtly, or they at least thought they were subtle.
Ravenclaw sent looks her way that clearly showed their many questions. Despite that they never asked her any of them, not that she would have answered if they did. Instead they speculated in their minds and filled in the blanks with what they assumed must have happened. Resulting in a completely different version than the one in Lily's memories.
Hufflepuff gossiped about what they had been told, during class, dinner and in any available hallway thinking that no one was paying attention to their words. They speculated and created their own version as well. The only difference being that since they did it in groups their stories were almost identical to that of their housemates.
The Slytherins were the only ones who didn’t seem to change to the story they were told and instead took it at face value. The most she got from them were a few bitchy side glances that were only used to cover up how impressed they truly were at her magic and the level of skill they required. Even the slurs stopped coming her way, at least for a short while, most likely because they didn’t have any desire to have to spend five days in the imfarmy as three of their housemates already had.
To say Lily didn’t like the changes in her classmates' behavior would be an understatement. Though she most certainly didn’t regret her actions that day, she had never wanted it to be public knowledge either. Walking around knowing that everyone had an opinion about her from an event that has been twisted unrecognisable was not something she enjoyed.
She tried to let it go, thinking that in a week or so the gossip would be about something new, a prank or who Sirius Black was currently shagging, it wasn’t. It had been weeks since the students got news of her actions and though their actions had changed a little from that first day it had not yet gone back to normal. Slurs were thrown at her once again, they had only stopped for the time it took the Slytherins to realise she wouldn’t send them to the imfarmy simply for their words.
She still got looks any time she walked through the hallways, but strangers treating her differently, though not appreciated, was still something she could push away into the box in the back of her mind and ignore. But her friends treating her like she was someone they hadn’t known since the age of eleven was not as easy to push away from her thoughts. She didn’t even think their actions were consciously made, which in a way made it worse.
It was subtle and if not for the fact that she's known them for so long it would not be noticeable. It was the way they looked at her that reminded her of the way her sister had started looking at her through the years, as if she would explode at any second. However, where her sister was worried about the harm Lily could cause on her and her life, her friends were worried about her own wellbeing.
They were also fully aware of her way of coping, something they had noticed through the years. In classes and the hallways she let almost every comment slide off her, maybe she threw something back but that was more a way of building a defence then actually fighting back. She let the feelings she feared could break her build within her until they all eventually came flooding at once, but even that wasn’t often and it wasn’t in anger.
Shaking hands and difficult breathing were some of the first signs. When that happened she usually went up to her dorm and locked herself in the bathroom for a couple hours, claiming she was sick. She used to throw up a silencing charm, then either lay down on the floor just staring at the ceiling or she sat down in the shower under steaming hot water. After a few hours her breathing usually went back to normal and she walked out looking as put together as before she entered. However, she didn’t take that time to deal with every feeling that had been building up, that wasn’t why, she needed the time to reinforce the box. Hide it deeper and with more locks.
Her closest friends just figured it was her way of dealing, and since she always looked alright after, they figured it was what worked for her. It didn’t work, it was a temporary solution at best. Someday her feelings wouldn’t be able to be put back.
That’s what had started happening this summer, then with Sevurus and now the marauders. The box that contained every feeling and thought that she feared would hurt and break her was coming apart more quickly everyday. No amount of locks or power would be able to stop the inevitable, at this point it was all getting too much.
So sitting in the common room, surrounded with friends who looked up at her with pity in their eyes any time her name was mentioned in the story the marauders were currently telling about the incident, made several of the locks on the box shatter into pieces. Too many feelings and thoughts hit her at once. She needed silence, she needed them to stop talking about a situation they created in their heads as if it were a scene from a book simply created for their enjoyment.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
“Can all of you just shut the hell up for once!”
When she opened her mouth she couldn’t stop the words even if she tried. Her thoughts came flooding out of her mouth in anger without time to filter them and she could feel her hands begin to shaker.
“I am so goddamn tired of having to sit here, and listen to you talking about a situation you know exactly nothing about, as if it involved you. You weren’t there, and even if you were, it would still not be your bussnies to share it with everyone in this fucking school.” She took a deep breath thinking for a second that that was all. That she could go up to her dorm and put up the locks once more. It wasn’t all, her thoughts had been building up for years, from silly things she should long ago have forgotten to their latest interest in spreading rumours
Remus clearly did not understand the severity of her anger, not that he could be blamed for that, this was new territory from most people. “Well, technically, I w…” He didn’t even get to finish his sentence before Lily was reaplying to what she considerd to be the absolutly most stupid thing he could have possibly said in that moment.
“Remus John Lupin, I do not give a bloody fuck if you were there or not. It was, and still is. none of your business. You saw a part of it, and idiotically, decided that you knew everything.” Another deep breath and she was finally speaking a little more calmly. She stood up from the chair she was sitting in before.
“You lot of outright bastards do not have any right to tell everyone a story that does not in any way, shape or form, involve you, simply as a way for entertainment and attention. If you want to pull a prank as a way to create the attention your egos so desperately need, feel free.”
She took a tentative step forward.
“But don’t use others as if they simply exist for your pleasure. The world does not circle around you despite what you might think.”
She didn’t notice just how difficult it had become breathing until the words finally stopped coming. Somehow everything felt clearer at the same time as everything and everyone seemed miles away. The only sound she could hear was her breathing and the only thing she felt was the rapid rising of her chest as she tried to get more oxygen into her lungs, as well as the all too familiar shaking in her hands.
Lily didn’t even realise she had started moving out of the common room, let alone that she had started running. She could feel that her cheeks were wet and could only hope that had happened first after she left the common room. Lily was moving down multiple hallways as if in a daze until she heard the all too familiar voice of one James Potter.
“Oi, Evans, please slow down for a second. Please, let's just talk for a moment” James catches up with her just before she was about to turn around a corner. As he places one of his hands lightly on her shoulders she slowly turns around to look at him. To his surprise, she isn’t wearing a scowl on her face as she looks up at him as he was expecting, considering how she just screamed at them, but rather, her face is covered in tears rapidly falling down her eyes.
He stood shocked only for a second as he took in the sight of her in front of him. Wet checks, red shot eyes, rapid risings in her chest and a slight shake in her hands. In a heartbeat he pulled her tightly into his arms and hugged her.
The moment James' arms wrapped around her the box in the back of her head that she had been pushing all her emotions in for years finally exploded open completely and she stood sobbing in his arms, feeling completely overwhelmed. It had started cracking when she was home this summer.
Her sister and her had fought, which wasn’t unusual for them at this point, but this time was different. This time, they both said words that can not be taken back. They ended up avoiding each other as much as they could. Petunia went up early and went to bed early as Lily started doing the exact opposite.
She was out practically all night with her muggle friends, as she usually didn’t see her other friends until they stepped on the train at the end of summer. She started going to punk shows and spent a lot of time on the top of rooftops smoking, drinking and stargazing with her friends.
Everyone in the wizarding world was feeling the change in their community. You could realise why the minute you looked on the front page of the prophet that things were taking a turn for the worse. Killings of muggles and muggle borns were almost an everyday occurrence at that time and Lily herself had noticed an increase in the number of slurs thrown at her. She knew that it was only going to get worse and the escape the muggle world gave her was something she welcomed for the summer. So she drank her night away and slept through the daylight because it made everything so much easier to ignore and push away.
Which worked for a while. Until one night, roughly two weeks before Lily was supposed to go back on the train. She was walking home late at night. The sky was pitch black except for the bright stars above and the faint glow from the old and damaged street lights. Everybody was inside asleep in the comfort of their beds at this time and therefore the only sounds outside were from the sole of her shoes hitting the ground. Until suddenly, a siren could be heard in the background. It came closer and closer. Within minutes flashing red and blue could be seen on the ground in front of her feet on the sidewalk.
The sound was gone as fast as it had come. Lily had just continued walking like before thinking nothing of it. Accidents happen, it doesn’t involve her. Except this time it did. It did involve her.
She noticed that when she came close enough to see her house, and the ambulance standing in front of it. She stopped dead in her steps. Millions of thoughts came flooding her mind. Her sister, her parents? Both?
She blinked a few times before she was fully capable of taking in the sight in front of her. The first person her eyes landed on was a crying browned haired girl with her hand covering her mouth. Petunia. Her legs started moving again faster and faster and suddenly she was running towards her.
“What’s wrong?” She was sitting down beside her now, carefully taking her hand in order to try to console her sister. “Petunia, love, please tell me what’s wrong?”
Petunia looked up at her startled as if she hadn’t noticed she was sitting besides her until then. Her features changed in a less than a moment when she recognized the red hair of her younger sister. Disgust and fear took over her face and she quickly pulled her hand away from her grip.
“This is your fault, it is always your fault isn’t it.” Petunia had stood up as she started throwing the accusations on her younger sister.
“My fault? Petunia, what are you talking about? Please just tell me what happened. I'm sure everything is gonna be alright. Just tell me what happened” Lily kept her voice as calm as she possibly could to hide her panic. Was it her parents? Has something happened to her parents? Was it her fault?
“You happened. It’s always you. You killed them. You and that magic of yours” She bit out the word as if it was poison.
Killed? Killed them? No, No, No.
“Whose dead?” She missed any emotion in her words when she asked, she already knew but she needed it confirmed. It was an ambulance outside her home, she wasn’t hurt, her sister wasn’t hurt, that only leaves two others.
“Mom and Dad”
Her life changed completely in a matter of seconds that day. Hearing those words created the first crack in her box. Pushing those feelings back in also took a lot longer than the usual couple of hours and the locks were nowhere near as long lasting.
For those last two weeks before going back to the only place she could now call home she spent basically every minute on the floor in her room. The only time she even left the house was for the funeral. She had pulled herself together as best she could but that event ruined any progress. Not only was she mourning the loss of her parents but also that of her sister.
She had packed her things and left their childhood home to go live with her fiance within a couple hours of the accident. Apparently they were on worse conditions than Lily had thought. The only thing that had evidently kept them on speaking terms as long as they had were now dead. The funeral was therefore the first time the sisters had met each other since their parents' death. Lily was constantly trying to catch her sister’s eye but she refused to in any way acknowledge her presence.
When they walked away from each other that day they both knew that they had lost the only living family they had. However, the only one of them who left with regrets and a piece of them missing, was Lily.
“You’re okay, everythings okay. Just let it all out, I got you Lils.” She followed his advice. She let the feelings flow, not attempting to keep them in anymore. Not that it would have helped much if she did.
Anger at everyone who doesn't bother questioning their parents thoughts and beliefs, and follows their prejudices without question. At boys who throw away a year long friendship over said prejudice.
Fear of what's to come.
Inadequacy because she believes she’s not enough. They constantly tried to make her question her worth and they succeeded far more than she ever let on.
Sorrow for the family she lost and the parts of herself that went with them.
Loneliness because of the distance she has put between herself and the people closest to her in order to protect her heart.
Guilt over not doing enough. For her friends and family.
Regrets, over, everything.
Somehow they had ended up on the floor. Potter was still holding her close and showed no signs of being about to let go. He was whispering calming words in her ear as he stroked her hair in an effort to alleviate some of her overwhelming feelings. Though he may not be aware of what was going on in her head he understood well enough that at this moment all she needed was someone to be there. He had half expected her to push him away and tell him to go to hell when he pulled her into him but was glad that she hadn’t. His intention had never been to hurt her, that was the last thing he’d ever wanted to do.
They sat like that for over half an hour. Lily's breathing had by now come back down normal and her mind started being able to pick up on what Potter was whispering in her ear.
“I’m sorry Lils, truly.” She could hear the regret as well as guilt in his voice. He wasn’t the reason for her breakdown, not solely at least. She had too many built up emotions within her, and since the summer it had been a matter of time til it got too much to keep away. This had been a long time coming.
“Hurting you was never my intention, Lils. Honestly I was just really goddamn impressed and figured everybody else would be too. I should have realized that being the center of attention isn’t what you would have wanted. I’m so sorry Lils, it was not my business and I shouldn’t have tried to make it mine.” His words sounded like he was talking to himself, only vaguely aware that he was saying his thoughts out loud.
For the next few minutes the only thing he continued whispering was different versions of the same apology with guilt visibly in his words, until Lily decided to break the daze they were both in. He shouldn’t blame himself this much. Yeah he fucked up but he wasn’t the reason for her breakdown, he was just the tipping point. That last drop of water that makes the glass overflow.
“It wasn’t you. You made a mistake but that, wasn't why, I, ehm. It just got too much . She said the first sentence confidently but had problems finding the right words to describe everything else which resulted in her tripping over the words a bit. Her voice also came out a bit muffled as her face was still resting on his shoulder.
“Too much?” He sounded gentle and caring but despite how much that comforted her she wasn’t sure he would understand her. So she didn’t answer or even lift her head to look at him.
After a few minutes of silence James moved his hand that had previously been occupied with her hair to her jaw in order to lift her face up to meet his gaze. She looked better now. Her eyes were still red from the excessive crying but there were no longer tears falling down her cheeks. Her breathing was completely normal but the shake in her hand had yet to vasish.
He grabbed her hands with his without breaking eye contact for even a moment. He repeated his unanswered question from previously while rubbing soothing circles on her hands with his fingers.
“Too much?”
Her eyes went a small bit wider and seemed glued to his hands holding hers. She hadn’t expected to react that much to him touching her hands considering the fact that she was basically sitting in his lap. Still the only thing she could focus on was that fact which resulted in her answering with the first thought that popped into her head before realizing what he was actually talking about.
“No… I mean yeah, yeah, too much” Shaking her head lightly trying to make her mind work with her once more she closed her eyes as she took a deep breath to ground herself. When she opened her eyes once more she was met with a slightly smirking James Potter. It looked as if he was trying to keep it from showing as to not seem gloating.
James took a deep breath in order to focus on what was important here instead of his ego. Lily was important and right now what she needed wasn’t him being a smirking idiot.
“Think you can explain what you mean about that to me?”
“It just got too much. I used to push every bad thing to the back of my mind and now they all came back at once.”
A frown grows at James face while hearing her explanation. How many bad things must have been there in order for her to lose her level headed nature. In all the years they’ve known each other he never once saw her be anything other than level headed and now he has seen her scream and had her crying in his arms all within the last couple of hours.
He understands that sometimes you need to push something from the front of your mind in order to not explode. But that's supposed to be temporary, it doesn’t work long term. Pushing everything back, locking it away and never dealing with it just makes the explosion bigger.
“So me and them telling everyone just made it too much?”
“Yes, but also not really. It had been too much since summer and it was just a matter of time really.” She looked away from his eyes when mentioning summer and her voice went a bit more quiet.
He squeezed her hand to not let her mind wander away. Something had clearly happened during the summer but he wasn’t sure if he was pushing his luck by asking.
“What happened during summer Lils?”
She met his eyes once more and any doubt she had had about whether or not she should tell him disappeared. She hadn’t told anyone yet. Telling someone would make it too real. But in that moment telling him felt right. He wouldn’t ask too many questions and if the last couple of hours were to show for anything, piling everything up wasn’t doing her any favours.
“My parents died and my sister hasn’t talked to since”
The shock was clear on his features. Whatever he had expected her to say that hadn’t even crossed his mind. How could he not know that? Does anybody know? No wonder it all got too much. That would be enough to break most people. He could only imagine losing his parents, or Sirius who is as close to him as a brother. Was Lily close to her sister? He couldn’t remember even hearing her name once.
“I’m so sorry for your loss Lils” He was met with a sad smile taking over her face.
“I like it when you call me Lils”
After a few seconds they break eye contact and both look down at their hands still holding each other. His thumbs still move in circles over her skin and in the small space between them their breaths mix together.
Thay sat like that in silence with only the warm light from the candles above them lighting up the corridor. Outside the windows the sky had turned black and the stars and half moon were shining brightly above.
Not a word was spoken for over ten minutes as they were both working through their thoughts about today until Lily did the most impulsive thing she may ever have done. Calling out his
“James” He looks up at her when hearing his first name coming past her lips, for what he is sure must be the first time ever. Potter. It was always Potter, not once before can he recall having heared her call him James but the second he did he realized that hearing his name come past her lips might be his favourite thing ever.
“James?” He questioned with a hint of nervousness in his voice that was unusual for the normally cocky boy. His right hand goes up to fiddle with the hair on the back of his neck, a habit he has for when he's on edge. He was so used to hearing Potter from her that the sound of his first name coming from her , made him sure something was wrong, like when your mom uses your full name and you know you’re in trouble .
But nothing was wrong, infact nothing had ever been as right, as it was in that moment.
Lily's smile just got brighter as she took in the sight of James' adorable nervousness. She hadn’t been sure why she decided to speak his name at first, because there wasn't a singular calculated plan in her head this time. No, calling out his name was an impulsive action driven by emotions. However it wasn’t any feeling she was familiar with that was behind her impulsive word but rather some other feeling that she could only vaguely place. But it felt right, she knew that much. Saying his name and the feeling behind it, it felt right. And in that moment she knew exactly what she wanted her next words to be. For once she didn’t resist her emotions but rather just let that feeling of right guide the words through her lips.
“Fancy going to Hogsmeade with me sometime?”