The World Has Turned and Left Me Here

Teddy woke up groggily to the sound of the alarm on his mobile phone, accompanied by the loud buzz as it vibrated across the coffee table. He rolled over on the sofa, reaching blindly out for it to silence the obnoxious noise, his eyes open just a fraction and grimacing at the dim morning light shining through the window, since neither Teddy nor Luke had remembered to close the curtains.

After shutting the phone up, Teddy blearily rubbed his eyes and blinked heavily as he looked out across the room, frowning at the dull ache in his head, which was pulsating just behind his eyes. The coffee table was littered with the remnants of the previous evening – two empty dinner plates, their Hogwarts graduation yearbook, Luke’s packet of cigarettes, and two empty bottles of wine.

Teddy grimaced as he heaved himself into a sitting position, his head feeling no less foggy as he swung his legs onto the floor and sat hunched over for a minute or two, taking some deep breaths and wondering what the best way to tackle his hangover would be. Rehydration would probably be a good start, so Teddy got up and shuffled his way into the kitchen, getting himself a large glass of water. He hadn’t even registered how dry his mouth was until he started drinking it, finding the sudden influx of cold water somehow simultaneously both a wonderful relief and difficult to swallow. Trying to down it made him gag, so he settled on taking some large sips instead, leaning back against the sink and eyeing the coffee maker as his next port of call.

While the water for the coffee was boiling, Luke emerged from his bedroom, looking slightly better off than Teddy, but still not exactly fresh faced.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” Teddy asked apologetically. The coffee maker was rather loud.

“You did, but it’s fine” Luke replied with a shrug, making his way over to the cupboard and getting a mug out for himself. “My alarm would have gone off soon anyway.”

“Sorry” Teddy apologised again. “I need the caffeine. Fuck man, I’ve got to stop drinking on weeknights.”

“Can’t handle it anymore?” Luke asked with a smirk.

“It would appear not” Teddy replied grimly, and Luke chuckled.

Teddy didn’t usually eat breakfast, but given the entire bottle of wine he’d had last night it would probably be good to get something in him, so he dragged the bag of bread out of the cupboard, popping two slices in the toaster on the counter, while Luke took over the coffee, making them a mug each. Teddy turned back around to take one of the mugs from him with a grateful smile.

Teddy had only been here for a couple of weeks, but they had fallen into an easy rhythm. Luke was an early riser, like Teddy himself, so they had to manoeuvre around each other in the small kitchen and take turns in the shower, but it was working well. There was something comfortingly familiar about sharing the space, like they had done back in school for so many years. That was probably why they’d spent most of the evenings lately reminiscing about days past. Luke had dug out their old yearbook, and the pair of them had been in stitches looking through it last night, laughing at all the old haircuts and wondering what had happened to all the classmates they’d virtually forgotten.

They probably were drinking too much, though. They hadn’t set out to get drunk last night, but a glass of wine with dinner had turned into finishing the bottle, and then getting another. And this was becoming a worryingly regular occurrence. As Teddy alternated sips of coffee and water, still loitering in the kitchen waiting for his toast, he resolved to keep a closer eye on that, and to not let things get out of hand. He watched Luke for a moment, who was in the process of making himself a sandwich to take to work for lunch. He was a little bleary eyed, but seemed mostly fine, and Teddy wondered whether he ought to be concerned about that. Luke handling the booze better than Teddy could be down to any number of factors, but the most likely candidate was that he’d been drinking a lot more lately, and had a better tolerance for it as a result. Making a mental note to keep an eye on that as well, Teddy turned back to the toaster.

His hangover wasn’t too severe in the end, so by the time Teddy was heading to work his headache had dropped off to a minor twinge. Since he had already had coffee before leaving the flat, he didn’t stop at his usual Starbucks. Now that he was staying with Luke his phone could receive messages in the flat, so there wasn’t any real need for him to go to the coffee shop or the park anymore to talk to James, but he still did so a couple of times a week anyway, just because it was part of his morning routine that he enjoyed.

Today Teddy was going to take a stroll around the park, to get some fresh air before heading down to his office. He had intended to exchange a few messages with James, but was surprised when he unlocked his phone to see that he already had a text – he must not have felt the phone buzz in his pocket while he was walking.

J: Can you ring me before work x

Pleasantly surprised at the opportunity, and curious as to what this would be about, Teddy called him straight away.

“Hey Teddy” James answered softly. Teddy felt his spirits immediately lift, as that stupid dopey smile planted itself on his face.

“Hey you” he replied as he entered through the gates into the park. It was mid-autumn now, and the concrete path was lined with brown and orange leaves which crunched underfoot as he walked.

“So...” James began hesitantly. “You’re not going to like it, so I’ll just come out and say it. I’m gonna need to delay our trip a bit more.”

The smile wiped from Teddy’s face immediately, and he stopped in his tracks.

“Why?” he demanded abruptly. James sighed.

“We were ahead of schedule, so the museum has expanded the scope of the project” James told him. “Which is actually really great, it definitely helps our chances for them extending the partnership. But in the short term it means our workload had massively increased. I can’t really be taking time off right now.”

“Did Mohamed say that?” Teddy asked, frowning.

“No” James said quietly. “But I feel a bit like I’d be taking the piss to ask for a holiday right now. I’m still trying to make a good impression, aren’t I?”

“That doesn’t mean you have to bend over backwards” Teddy argued. “It doesn’t matter how busy things are, you’re entitled to time off.” Teddy was fully aware of how hypocritical that statement was. He went above and beyond for his job all the time, sometimes to the detriment of his and James’s plans. But then, his job had never dragged him away from James for three months at a time before.

“It’s just not a good time” James countered, sounding pained. “Two weeks, Ted, that’s all I’m asking for.”

“Two weeks on top of the two weeks you already asked for, you mean?” Teddy shot back irritably. “On top of the two months it’s already been?”

“Don’t be like that” James replied, starting to sound annoyed himself, which Teddy found rather galling. He scoffed unintentionally loudly, and some passer-by gave him an odd look. Teddy scowled back at them and started walking again.

“Come on, Teddy, what do you want me to do here?” James demanded.

“I want you to keep the promises you fucking make to me, is that so much to ask?” Teddy snapped back.

“What promises?!” James replied defensively. “The dates for this trip were never set in stone.”

“Are you not even bothered about seeing me?” Teddy shot back angrily.

“Don’t be ridiculous” James said dismissively.

“Why is that ridiculous?” Teddy argued. “That’s how it fucking feels.”

There was a pause, in which Teddy heard James sigh again. When he spoke it was quite calmly.

“I’m sorry, if that’s how it feels” James told him. “But I don’t feel like I have much of a choice here. I gave up a lot for this job, I need it to go well.”

Teddy didn’t know what to say to that, only that it did nothing whatsoever to abate his feeling of abandonment and rejection.

“This wasn’t the plan” Teddy said moodily. James sighed again.

“I know, but I don’t know what to tell you” James replied flatly. “It is what it is.”

Teddy’s anger flared up again at that, as if this was some sort of inevitability, and not something James was actively choosing to do.

“Great. Fine. Another two weeks then” Teddy said petulantly, fully aware of how childish he sounded but not caring one bit. “Any other devastating news you want to drop on me while we’re here?”

“Well I was going to tell you that I love you and I miss you, but how about we save that conversation for when you’ve decided to grow up a bit” James shot back irritably.

“I-“ Teddy sputtered in outrage, before deciding he was one hundred percent done with this conversation, and unceremoniously hanging up. Furious, he stomped his way over to the phone box lift which would take him into the ministry, stewing the whole way down.

The problem wasn’t just the delay to this trip - which Teddy was now starting to doubt would ever happen at all. It was the fact that James clearly expected Teddy to just suck it up and deal with it without complaint that hurt the most. James clearly didn’t understand the emotional impact of further delaying this trip on Teddy. He clearly didn’t feel the same way about it that Teddy did, because otherwise he would have no hesitancy about dropping everything to make it happen. Teddy had no idea what to do about that, but he was acutely aware of how problematic it was. This was starting to go beyond a minor discrepancy in how well the two of them were dealing with the long distance on their respective ends, and was pointing to a fundamental imbalance in how the two of them each viewed this time apart. Teddy was beginning to wonder if they were even remotely on the same page at all about it.

He sighed deeply as he stepped out of the phone box into the atrium of the ministry, trying to push it all to the back of his mind. That was becoming a recurring theme lately, and Teddy was nothing if not a grade-A compartmentalizer, but even for him things were starting to build up too much to ignore. Still, he had to try, because obsessing over it while he was still angry was going to get him nowhere. And there was nothing to be done about it now anyway. Perhaps he would call James again later, if he felt like it. But for now, he had to go down into his office and do a full day of work, and do his best not to let his personal life bleed over into his professional one.

This turned out to be a slightly more difficult feat than Teddy had anticipated. As he passed through the thief’s downfall on his way through security, he felt his hair turn to its natural state, as it always did. However, when he tried changing it back to the vibrant blue he usually wore he could tell something was off. His suspicions were confirmed as the receptionist gave him a quizzical look as he passed her desk, so rather than heading straight to his office, Teddy first took a diversion to the bathroom to assess the damage.  

He stared at himself in the mirror over the sink, unimpressed. The ends of his hair were blue, but the colour faded gradually to the dull brown of his natural colour at the roots, which made it look like some awful dye job. Teddy scrunched up his face as he concentrated hard to fix that, but his roots stubbornly refused to change colour. Scowling, he tried a few other colours in turn instead – green, pink, red, but with no luck. In fact, on the last try as he went for bright red, his hair turned to a horrible burnt-looking reddish brown. Teddy sighed, and let the full length of his hair go to its natural state, which not only meant the colour was an ashy brown that made him look washed out, the soft waves he usually wore disappeared, and his naturally straight hair fell limply across his face like a curtain. It had been a long time since he’d seen himself in the mirror with it like this, and Teddy was rather dismayed to see that it was now peppered with greys, one long silver strand in his fringe caching the light and drawing his attention.

“Fuck” he muttered, combing through his locks with his fingers, trying to determine exactly how much grey he had. It had caught him entirely by surprise, and felt a bit like a kick while he was down, on top of this already terrible morning. Another unwelcome reminder that he was a fully fledged adult now, with very real, grown-up problems.

“Christ” Teddy muttered, feeling aggravated again now. He reinstated the waves in his hair, which helped a bit, but the colour still didn’t suit him at all. He tried for blonde, in a last-ditch effort something that wouldn’t raise a lot of questions, but he didn’t manage to achieve the platinum blonde he was aiming for, ending up with a dirty, mousey blonde instead.

“Fuck it, that’ll do” Teddy said moodily to his reflection, turning around to exit the bathroom, heading towards his office. He was being stupid and vain, he knew that. Probably nobody cared at all what colour his hair was. But he couldn't help but feel resentful that this latest run-in with James, aside from putting the kibosh on plans he’d been looking forward to and effectively ruining his morning, was now also creeping into other avenues of his life. It certainly added another complication in that if Harry picked up on the fact that Teddy was having trouble with his metamorphoses, he would immediately know why, and would want to try and help somehow. And the very last thing Teddy wanted was Harry inserting himself into any of this. Even more than a year after revealing their relationship to him, Teddy still felt a bit weird about discussing James in a ‘boyfriend’ context with Harry, given their various other connections.

Almost as if on cue, no sooner had this thought occurred to Teddy when he heard Harry’s voice call out to him from behind. Resigning himself to the fact that apparently the entire universe was working against him today, Teddy wheeled around to see Harry a little way behind him in the corridor, walking towards him from the direction of the kitchen, with a mug in hand.

“Nearly didn’t recognise you, there” Harry said conversationally as he approached. “You trying to be incognito today?”

“Just trying something different” Teddy shrugged, in an attempt at nonchalance.

“I was just going to send you a note, but I don’t need to now” Harry told him. “Can you come to my office once you’ve dropped your stuff?”

“Sure” Teddy replied. “You got an update on the case?”

“I have” Harry replied, looking pleased.

“Alright, be there in a min” Teddy said, his interest piqued, and actually feeling a little bit better as a result. He left Harry and continued on towards his own office, wondering what the update might be. He pulled off his jacket as he walked, throwing it carelessly over his desk chair when he arrived at his office and stopping to ruffle quickly through the stack of papers in his in-tray to see if there was anything urgent. There was nothing there that couldn’t wait, so Teddy made his way to Harry without further delay.

There hadn’t been much movement on the case in the past couple of weeks, ever since Teddy had accompanied Draco that day to see him working on the mimic. Or the ‘portal’, as they had all started calling it. Teddy was aware that Draco had been coming into their office at frequent intervals to work on it, but Teddy hadn’t received any further updates from himself or Harry, which Teddy assumed meant there was no real progress being made. In fact, he had started to lose hope that the portal could indeed be repaired at all. At Harry’s instruction, Teddy had continued to work on correlating incidences of dark magic to the disappearances of the victims, and by now he had a pretty clear picture of what the perp was doing, and by extension, what sort of person they were looking for. The perp looked to have been using magic to extend their life since the very first victim, in 1962. By the early eighties, the perp had started using complex rituals which would temporarily increase the amount of magical power they were able to harness – to what end Teddy didn’t yet know, although this did coincide with the downfall of Voldemort’s first reign. Harry was investigating the possibility of their perp being an ex-death eater, but he also theorised that the person may have been someone who wanted to emulate Voldemort, but without drawing too much attention to themselves and thus avoiding the same fate. Teddy favoured the latter theory, as the auror office had been extremely thorough in the aftermath of Voldemort’s second reign in tracking down any remaining death eaters.

Teddy figured Harry’s update must have something to do with the angle he was working, and he cast his mind back to their last conversation about it as he walked. They had been discussing distant branches of the Carrow family, some of whom were known to live in the vicinity of places the mimic had popped up. It was a tenuous connection at best, and Teddy wondered vaguely if Harry had found something to further corroborate it.

However, upon arriving at Harry’s office, Teddy was surprised to find both Harry and Draco there, sat at opposite sides of the desk and both looking vaguely uncomfortable. Teddy had to fight back a smile as he remembered James saying that the two of them had ISSUES, but this thought was immediately followed by Teddy remembering how angry he was with James, and he fought to hide that from showing on his face as well. Not doing as good a job of it as he might have hoped, judging by the raised eyebrow that Harry gave him.

“Everything alright?” Harry asked, his tone light but his eyes watchful.

“Just remembered something” Teddy told him as casually as he could. “Nothing to do with this, don’t worry about it.”

“Hmmm” Harry said in response, still surveying Teddy carefully, but he thankfully decided not to press the matter. “Well, take a seat then” he added, gesturing to the vacant chair next to Draco. Teddy did so, greeting Draco as he did so with a curt nod, which he returned.

“Do you want to tell him, then?” Harry addressed Draco, who looked mildly surprised at being given the floor.

“Very well” Draco said, turning slightly in his chair to face Teddy. “I have managed to open the portal.”

“You have?” Teddy replied, taken by surprise, glancing back to Harry who nodded calmly. “You closed it again, I assume?” Teddy added to Draco warily. They certainly wouldn’t be calmly discussing the matter in Harry’s office otherwise.

“Of course” Draco replied with a small smile. “But if the person on the other end is monitoring it, they will know that I have opened it.”

“Can they open it from their end?” Teddy asked, frowning.

“Difficult to say” Draco replied, gesturing vaguely. “It doesn’t appear that they have made any attempts to thus far.”

“Could they get through, if they did?” Teddy asked.

“The connection is weak” Draco replied calmly. “It would be dangerous to try. If the connection was lost during the transportation, it would almost certainly kill the person trying to pass through.”

“Does that mean we can’t go through either, then?” Teddy asked, glancing back and forth between Harry and Draco.

“That’s something for us to discuss” Harry chimed in. “I’m not sure yet what the play should be.”

“It isn’t possible to discern what is on the other side of the portal without physically entering it” Draco ventured. “Not to my knowledge at least. You may be able to see or hear what is happening once you are in there, but to my mind if you are going in at all you may as well try and pass all the way through.”

“We can work our way up to going through it, which would involve running some tests, sending inanimate objects through until we’re sure it can be done safely” Harry told Teddy, who could tell that he and Draco had already discussed this at length. “Problem is, that will alert the perp to what we’re doing. If they don’t know already, that is. And there’s no telling how long that could take. They could be long gone before we make it to the other side.”

Teddy took a moment to think about it, casting his mind around for something else they could try, that wouldn’t alert the perp to the fact that they were onto him. However no other options occurred to him, and he looked back up at Harry, who was wearing a grim smile.

“I don’t have a better idea yet” Harry admitted. “And I don’t think we ought to sit on it for too long, the longer we take the further away they could be.”

“Agreed” Teddy nodded, frowning pensively. “I’ll have a think, but I honestly don’t know what else we can do.”

“Me either” Harry shrugged. “So assuming we don’t come up with anything better in the next twenty-four hours, I think we should press on.”

“Alright” Teddy nodded again. He could tell Harry already had the makings of a plan in his mind, so he waited for him to go on.

“Something else to consider is that the perp may always have intended for us to go through the portal. There’s every chance that this is a trap, and that they’ve been waiting for us to go through it this whole time” Harry put to him, and Teddy frowned.

“But we’re still going to?” he asked, already knowing the answer.

“I don’t see any way around it” Harry said calmly. “But we’ll need to have our wits about us. So as much as I want to get this done quickly, to minimise the chance of them getting away, I also want us to tread extremely carefully.”

“Good” Teddy said, smiling in amusement. “Nice and simple.”

“You wanted a big case” Harry reminded him, smirking back. “Be careful what you wish for.”

“Tell me about it” Teddy muttered. He turned his attention back to Draco, who had been sat silently watching their conversation impassively.

“So how do we proceed then?” Teddy asked him.

“We see what happens if we try and pass an object through the portal” Draco told him calmly. “With a retrieval charm on it, obviously, so it comes back to us and we can see what’s happened to it. We start with inorganic matter. Then organic.”

“Organic?” Teddy frowned, thinking vaguely of people sending canaries down into mines.

“Fruit” Draco replied, looking mildly amused himself, clearly following Teddy’s train of thought. “Or a vegetable would do the same job.”

“Right” Teddy replied shrewdly.

“You and me will both be there while Draco runs his tests” Harry told him seriously. “Just in case something happens.”

“Like what?” Teddy asked warily.

“In case the person on the other end of the portal realises it’s open and tries to send something through. Or tries to pull one of us through” Draco replied, and Teddy thought he probably ought to sound more concerned about that than he did. Especially given how he had just said that passing through the portal when the connection dropped would probably kill them.

“Is that likely?” he asked, rather alarmed by the idea.

“You tell me, you’ve been tracking them for all this time” Draco countered. Teddy looked helplessly at Harry, who merely shrugged. Teddy decided to try for a different question.

“How will we know when it’s safe to go through?” he asked Draco, who made a face as though this were a difficult question to answer.

“It will never be risk free” he replied slowly. “But once we can pass simple organic matter through unharmed we’ll know that it’s possible to get to the other side in one piece. We’ll keep going with increasingly larger objects until we have some confidence something the size of a human body can make it through unscathed.”

“Does size matter?” Teddy asked, with interest. It didn’t for things like portkeys or apparition, but this seemed to be a different sort of transportation vessel.

“Greatly” Draco told him. “Think of it like a pipe, or a tube that you need to crawl through. Because it’s been damaged, the walls of the tube will now effectively be lined with sharp fragments. Like broken glass.”

“And if we lose the connection while one of us is in there” Teddy ventured. “Does that mean the tube will collapse in on itself?”

“Something like that, yes” Draco agreed, and Teddy let that horrible concept sink in.

“Well, we’d better be sure then, hadn’t we” he said, a little dazed.

“If you do get stuck halfway through, you should be able to apparate to the other end” Draco told him calmly.

“I’m more concerned about being impaled by spikes than getting stuck” Teddy put out there

“Those two aren’t mutually exclusive” Draco replied, and Teddy huffed a small laugh.

“Great” he muttered.

“No-one is going in there until we’re sure it’s safe” Harry assured him. “And in any case, I’m going through first, so you have nothing to worry about.”

“Are you sure that’s wise?” Teddy countered. “If it IS a trap, it’s definitely for you, isn’t it?”

“Maybe so, but I’d never ask you to risk your life for mine” Harry said simply. “And if it IS a trap, I think the perp wants me alive. Whereas we already know they don’t care about collateral damage. So I’d say that puts you in more immediate danger than me.”

“Huh” Teddy said as he mulled this over. He hadn’t really thought about it that way.

“So” Harry leaned forward over the desk, looking business-like. “Let’s meet back here tomorrow morning, and if no-one has any better ideas by then, then we proceed with the tests.”

“Very well” Draco nodded, before standing up to leave. Teddy made to follow suit but Harry reached a hand out to stop him.

“Hang back a sec” Harry said to him, before saying goodbye to Draco and confirming the time for them to meet the following morning. After Draco had exited the office and closed the door behind him, Harry turned his attention back to Teddy.

“So, I know we’re a bit pressed for time here, but I don’t want you cancelling your trip” Harry told him without preamble. “I know how important it is. We’ll see how these tests go, but I’m not planning to even attempt to go through until after you get back.”

It took Teddy a brief second to pull his mind away from digesting everything they had just discussed and to realise what Harry was talking about.

“Oh, right” Teddy muttered, blinking confusedly. “Yeah, about that…” Teddy’s heart sank, and he sighed. “We’re postponing for a couple of weeks” he told Harry, who looked surprised.

“Not because of this, I hope?” he asked. Teddy shook his head with a grim smile.

“No, something came up on his end” Teddy relayed. “They’re extending the scope of the project or something. He said he’s too busy for me to come right now.”

“That’s a shame” Harry said understandingly, his sad smile stirring up emotions in Teddy that he would rather didn’t come out right now.

“It’s fine” he said dismissively, unable to meet Harry’s eyes. “We didn’t book the portkey for this exact reason. The dates were never set in stone.”

“I know how much you must be missing him” Harry pressed him. “It must be difficult.”

If you only knew just how much, Teddy thought.

“It’s only a couple more weeks” Teddy shrugged, looking down at the desk, knowing full well he wasn’t fooling Harry for one minute, but hoping that Harry would understand he didn’t want to talk about it.

“Everything is alright with you two, isn’t it?” Harry asked hesitantly. Teddy looked up at him, surprised by the directness of the question.

“Of course, we’re…“ Teddy started brushing off the question, but was struck by something when he met Harry’s eye, and suddenly found that he couldn’t lie to him. He sighed, and put a hand to his forehead in frustration. “We had a row about it this morning” Teddy told him. “I didn’t take it very well when he told me. I get it, this is less of a big deal for him because he’s the one who’s busy and who’s experiencing new things and all that, but…” he sighed again. “I don’t think he understands how hard this is for me.”

Teddy had no idea what had made him say all that. Perhaps he just hadn’t been able to hold it in any longer. He hadn’t really had anyone to talk about this with at all, and apparently he’d reached breaking point. He slowly lowered his hand and frowned as he looked back to Harry, rather embarrassed.

“Sorry” he said quietly. “I don’t know why I… It’ll be alright. It’s just tough, being apart for so long.”

“I’m sure he misses you too” Harry said consolingly.

“I know he does” Teddy muttered. “He tells me he does. I just can’t help but feel like…” Teddy trailed off, not wanting to get into his fears about James not really missing him as much as Teddy thought maybe he should. Certainly not with Harry, of all people. He’d probably said too much already.

“It’s just hard” Teddy said, shaking his head.

“I’m sure it is” Harry said, with that sad smile again. Teddy didn’t really know what else to say, and sat there in awkward silence for a few moments.

“I’m sure you probably have better things to do” Harry ventured. “But if ever you find yourself at a loose end you can always come over for dinner with Ginny and me, you’re more than welcome” he offered, and Teddy had to suppress a laugh at himself, for how pathetic he must seem right now.

“Thanks” Teddy said, shooting Harry a smile back and making a valiant effort to pull himself together.

-

J: I’m sorry Teddy. Please call me when you can x

Teddy received James’s text when he arrived back at Luke’s flat after work, although the time stamp on the message indicated that James had sent it this morning, probably not long after their fight. Teddy sighed heavily, placing the phone on the coffee table and leaving it there as he went through to the kitchen to put the kettle on, trying to decide whether he was ready to go another round with James yet. He had calmed down somewhat, and was able to retrospectively recognise that he was probably overreacting this morning by starting to question the foundations of their entire relationship. But he still felt very much that James was under-reacting about having to delay the trip, and Teddy couldn’t guarantee that the two of them speaking right now wouldn’t lead to another row. And he just didn’t have it in him at the moment. Especially given that he and Luke were supposed to be going to their cooking class in about an hour. One disaster at a time.

The class had turned out to be much more beginner orientated than they had thought, so now that Teddy and Luke were living together there was no real point in them going anymore, as they could easily achieve the same result just by looking up a new recipe and having a stab at it themselves in Luke’s kitchen. However, Teddy had suggested they still go, telling Luke he thought it was fun. It wasn’t totally a ruse, the class wasn’t not fun, but the real reason Teddy insisted on their attendance was because it was pretty much the only time Luke left the flat except for work, and he figured it was good for him. It was also good for Teddy, if he was honest, to have some evening plans that didn’t involve a full bottle of wine.

Teddy had a cup of tea while he waited for Luke to get home from work. He didn't really feel much like sitting down, so instead walked over to the kitchen window and looked out of it while he drank it. He had been sat in a corner of the auror library all day searching for possible ways to find out the destination of a vanishing spell without physically going through it, and had come up short. He hadn’t really expected to find anything, if it was possible then he thought that Draco would probably already have known that. But he had done his due diligence. There was nothing for it now but to go with the route one option. Tomorrow was going to be an interesting day.

While he was still musing over this, Teddy heard his phone ring in the living room. Figuring it would probably be Luke telling him that he was running late, Teddy went to answer it. However when he picked his phone up off the table, it was James’s name flashing across the screen, not Luke’s. Teddy sighed again, but didn’t see any other option but to answer it. James was most likely calling to resolve their argument, but it was something like six thirty in the morning there. There was a chance something was wrong.

“Hello?” Teddy said flatly as he answered.

“Teddy” James said softly, and from his tone Teddy knew that it was the former. “Please... can we talk?”

Teddy put a hand to his head in frustration for what felt like the thousandth time today, pausing before he replied.

“I don’t know, James” he said wearily. “I'm still...” he trailed off, at a loss for how to describe how he felt. There were a lot of conflicting emotions happening all at the same time, not least a sudden urge to forgive everything just because of how hearing James’s voice comforted him. But that wasn’t stronger than the residual anger.

“I know” James said pleadingly. “I handled that all wrong, and you’re right to be angry with me. I'm really sorry, Ted.”

“I-“ Teddy started, not even sure what he was going to say, but before he got anything more out, the fireplace roared and Luke stepped out of a burst of green flames, brushing soot off himself and greeting Teddy with an upwards nod of his head.

“I want to see you” James said firmly, while Luke walked past Teddy towards the kitchen, discarding his long coat and dumping it in a heap onto the sofa as he did so. Teddy watched him, frowning, something about the carelessness of that action raising a small red flag.

“Maybe I haven’t made that clear enough, but I really fucking miss you Teddy” James went on, and Teddy dragged his attention back to the phone call. “If you still want to come out here next week then you can. I’ll see what I can do. But I won’t be able to take more than the weekend off I don’t think. I just didn’t want you wandering around Auckland by yourself. But if you don’t want to wait then let’s not delay it any more.”

“I don't know, James” Teddy replied distractedly, as Luke reappeared in the living room, swigging from a bottle of beer. “One sec” he added hastily, before lowering the phone from his face.

“What are you doing?” he shot at Luke. “We’ve got class in-“ Teddy glanced at the time on his phone screen –“half an hour.”

“What, are we still doing that?” Luke asked blandly with a raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, we agreed last week” Teddy reminded him. Luke looked unconcerned and took another swig from the beer.

“Did we?” he said vaguely, not waiting for an answer before flopping himself down on the sofa, looking like he had no intention of moving.

“Teddy? Are you still there?” James's voice came through the phone, and Teddy started to feel distinctly stressed.

“James, look, now’s not a good time” Teddy said, putting the phone back to his ear. “Can we do this later?”

“Just tell me what you want me to do, please” James implored him.

“Don’t cut it short on my account” Luke ventured at the same time, and Teddy shot him a scowl.

“Just- one minute” Teddy said into the phone, heading out of the room, snatching the bottle from Luke’s hand as he passed him, at which Luke made a loud noise of protest. Teddy ignored him, and went to the front door of the flat, stepping outside into the corridor and closing the door behind him. He took a second to take a deep breath before raising the phone to his ear again.

“I don’t want to wander around Auckland by myself either” Teddy told James. “You were right, alright? It makes sense to delay. It just fucking sucks, that’s all.”

“It does fucking suck” James replied softly. “Please don’t think that it doesn’t for me too.”

“It is what it is, right?” Teddy said emotionlessly. He still felt distinctly like it sucked more for him than it did for James, but there wasn’t really anything to be gained by bringing that up. And he really didn’t want to prolong this phone call. He hadn’t even wanted to have this conversation right now in the first place.

“Are we OK?” James asked, sounding legitimately worried, and Teddy felt his scowl soften. He sighed again, but this time more out of general exhaustion than frustration.

“Yeah, we're OK” he replied softly.

“Alright” James replied, sounding relieved. Teddy wished his own worries could be so easily abated. “I’ll let you go then. Sounds like you have your hands full.”

“Yeah, I think I might” Teddy replied fervently, looking down at the beer bottle that he’d taken from Luke in his hand.

“Call me later? Tomorrow morning?” James asked hopefully.

“Sure” Teddy replied simply. There was a pause before James spoke again.

“I love you, Teddy” James said a little hesitantly, possibly thinking he might be pushing his luck. Teddy suddenly felt awful for giving him such a hard time. No matter what they were arguing about, he never wanted that to be in question.

“I love you too, Jamie” he said sincerely, and heard James let out a small breath of relief on the other end.

“Talk to you later” James said warmly.

“See you” Teddy replied, before hanging up. He took a few minutes to just stand there in the corridor, digesting that entire conversation. Teddy wondered whether he ought to have held a more firm stance, and was slightly annoyed at himself for rolling over so easily. But at the same time, he didn’t want to drag the argument out any longer than was really necessary. And James had been truly sorry. Was Teddy being mature for wanting to move past it? Or was he being a doormat by surrendering his side of the argument so quickly? Teddy sighed as he dragged a hand across his face. Why was everything so fucking complicated lately?

He resisted the urge to take a large swig of the beer in his hand, feeling it might be rather hypocritical of him since he had just confiscated it from Luke. He tried instead to steel himself by taking a deep breath before pushing the door open and re-entering the flat. He went straight to the living room, and saw that Luke had wasted no time in getting himself another beer and planting himself back on the same spot on the sofa. Teddy raised an eyebrow at him incredulously.

“What?” Luke asked defensively.

“I thought we were going to try and stop drinking on weeknights” Teddy said pointedly.

“I never said that” Luke replied indignantly. “YOU’RE the one who was hungover this morning.”

Teddy scowled at him. Luke was actually right about that now he came to think of it, so he decided to change tack.

“Alright, fine, but we’ve got to head out soon” Teddy prodded him. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, whatever” Luke said flatly with a dismissive gesture. Teddy shot him an irritable scowl before heading to the kitchen to do something with the beer he was holding, hesitating when he got there, unsure whether to pour it down the sink or put it in the fridge. Now the cap was off it would go flat pretty quickly, and he doubted either of them would drink it once it had, so Teddy emptied it into the sink, feeling slightly annoyed at how wasteful it was. As he watched the fizzy liquid swirl down the drain he took a moment to check in with himself, fully aware that he was getting disproportionately annoyed at Luke, who hadn’t really done anything wrong at all. He sighed again. Today was just an all round shit day, and Teddy was clearly in a terrible mood about it. Maybe he ought to just write it off.

“Do you not want to go?” Teddy called to Luke from the kitchen. Luke made a noise in response, but Teddy couldn’t tell what he meant by it, so he waited until the beer bottle was empty, tossing it into the recycling on his way back out of the kitchen as he headed back to the living room, taking a seat opposite Luke.

“We don’t have to go, if you don’t want” Teddy said calmly to Luke, who looked confused.

“You seemed pretty sure that we DID, a minute ago” Luke countered.

“I…” Teddy considered for a minute telling Luke about his row with James, and the fact that he was feeling a bit like he’d been through the wringer as a result, but opted not to when he realised that Luke looked himself like he’d had a less than stellar day, his expression slightly hardened.

“What’s happened?” Teddy asked him, slightly concerned. Luke looked surprised by the question.

“What? Nothing” he replied confusedly.

“You look like you’ve had a bad day” Teddy pointed out, not letting him off the hook that easily.

“So do you” Luke countered. “But I don’t have to ask why. You want to tell me what you two are arguing about?”

“We’re not arguing” Teddy replied, frowning. It was only half a lie, they weren’t arguing any more. “And stop trying to project it onto me, tell me what’s wrong with you.”

“Nothing!” Luke replied defensively, but he appeared to falter under Teddy’s ‘don’t give me that shit’ expression and sighed heavily. “Literally nothing has happened” he said, gesturing angrily. “It’s just one of those fucking days where I miss her and I feel like… like I’m never going to stop feeling like this” he said miserably.

“Shall we stay in tonight then?” Teddy asked him gently.

“Fuck, I don’t know, Teddy” Luke said wearily. “Just tell me what you want me to do and I’ll do it.”

Teddy sighed himself, wishing he knew more clearly how to navigate this.

“Alright, let’s blow off the class” he said decisively. There was little point in dragging them both there if neither of them were particularly feeling up to it. “Watch a film or something?” he added. Luke looked relieved and nodded, and Teddy knew he had made the right call.

-

As it turned out, the tests they were running on the portal at work were actually quite boring. Nothing dramatic had happened yet, but they had managed to send a single tennis ball through the portal and back. Well, as far as they knew anyway, there was no way of verifying it had gotten all the way to the other side. It had gone somewhere though, and had returned with a number of deep scratches along the surface. Draco seemed to have been expecting this, and had said this meant they had to force the tunnel to open much wider. He had been teaching Harry and Teddy the spell he’d been using to try and hold it open, but both of them were having some difficulty mastering it. Teddy had a theory that this was due to their inexperience in wielding dark magic. It did feel different, almost as though the spell had something of a mind of its own, and Teddy was trying to wrangle it. He hadn’t had the opportunity to speak to Draco alone again about the matter, but he would have liked to know his thoughts on it. Following up on Draco’s tip to read some Ollivander books was still on Teddy’s to-do list, but he hadn’t managed to get to it yet, his hands being rather full between dealing with Luke and James.

By the time the weekend rolled around, Teddy felt like he very much needed it, and was quite looking forward to being able to shut his brain off for a couple of days. He’d kept his resolve to stop drinking during the week, but had no intention whatsoever of continuing that through the weekend, and was quite looking forward to a beer or two this evening. He was therefore feeling in quite good spirits as he apparated from his office back to Luke’s place, landing in the living room as he always did.  The smile on his face broadened as he heard music coming from the kitchen, which meant both that Luke was already home, and that he was having one of his better days.

Teddy shucked off his jacket and made his way to the kitchen, where he saw that Luke had plugged his phone into the old and rather dusty speakers that sat on the shelf above the microwave. Teddy hadn’t even known that they worked until this moment, but he didn’t have much time to dwell on that as he was rather distracted by Luke, who was making an extraordinary amount of mess whilst cooking something currently unrecognizable, and singing loudly to what Teddy recognised to be Bastille.

 “And if you close your eyes” Luke sang directly at Teddy by way of greeting. “Does it almost feel like nothing’s changed at all? And if you close your eyes...”

“Does it almost feel like you’ve been here before?” Teddy joined in, grinning.

“How am I gonna be an optimist about this?” they chorused together, Luke draping an arm around Teddy's neck so they could croon together side by side, the way they often used to in the club. Luke repeated the line as the song did, but it was all officially too much for Teddy, who dissolved into laughter.

“Happy Friday” Luke grinned, as he released Teddy and returned to his cooking station. Teddy followed him to see what he was doing.

“You’re in a good mood” he observed, trying to decipher what was going on between the three chopping boards Luke had out, with various roughly chopped vegetables and scattered handfuls of herbs and spices all over the counter.

“You know what, I am” Luke replied cheerily, and Teddy smiled.

“Any particular reason?” he enquired.

“I think it’s the nostalgia” Luke replied thoughtfully. “Something reminded me of Avicii today and it sent me down a bit of a rabbit hole. This is my 2013 playlist” he gestured to the speakers, and Teddy huffed a surprised laugh.

“That’s... incredibly specific” he replied. Luke shrugged nonchalantly. “Avicii, god, I’ve probably not listened to him since... well, 2013” Teddy mused.

“I know, right?” Luke agreed.

“What’s going on here” Teddy asked, waving a hand over the various ingredients on the side.

“Well we missed our opportunity to make chicken cacciatore in class this week, so I thought I’d take a punt at it” Luke told him.

“Is there usually ground nutmeg in that?” Teddy asked with a raised eyebrow, picking up the small jar of it off the counter.

“I can only assume” Luke replied calmly, while he ground some pepper onto the chicken thighs in front of him.”

“I can't watch this” Teddy groaned, opening the fridge to see what the drink options were.

“Open a bottle of white, would you” Luke said casually, apparently thinking along the same lines. There was a small stack of them laid on their side on the bottom shelf – Luke generally kept a good stock of wine in the house – and Teddy chose a bottle from the top layer, picking it purely because it had a giraffe on the label. While he was digging some wine glasses out of the cupboard, the song ended, the last few seconds of it blurring into the next one, which was the Daft Punk song that had been all the rage that same summer. Now in a pretty good mood himself, Teddy swayed his shoulders along to the beat as he unscrewed the top off the wine and poured two glasses.

“I remember dancing to this in clubs, but we weren’t out clubbing in 2013, were we?” Teddy said, frowning slightly in his confusion at that fact as he handed one of the glasses to Luke. They clinked their glasses together in an unspoken cheers, and Teddy took a swig while Luke replied.

“No, we would have been... what, fifteen?” he mused. “They must have just kept playing it for a few years. It’s a good song, isn’t it?”

Teddy hummed in agreement as he cast his mind back to being fifteen. It had been an awkward age, feeling too grown up for their childhood hobbies, but not yet grown up enough to start experimenting with the privileges of adulthood. That had come not soon after though. Precocious little shits that they were, they had started going out to bars and clubs in the muggle world when they were sixteen, an older friend showing them how to make fake IDs to get past the bouncers. Teddy remembered desperately wanting be an adult, able to live a carefree life with no-one telling him what to do. If only he had known that actual adulthood was nothing like that.

“Right” Luke said, clapping his hands together and pulling Teddy back out from his own head. “I think this is ready to go in the oven.”

“Alright” Teddy replied bemusedly, watching him don some rather flowery oven mitts.

They stayed in the kitchen for quite some time, drinking wine and listening to the music. Teddy let Luke cook his dish without interference, out of morbid curiosity for what would actually happen. He even managed for the most part not to wince when Luke did something clearly insane, such as digging out a ring of pineapple that he had leftover in the fridge and chucking it into the pan with the tomato sauce. By the time he was serving his concoction onto plates, half the bottle of wine was gone and the entire kitchen was a disaster zone, but Teddy was in no mood to complain as he accepted a plate from Luke and took it to the high table on the other side of the room, perching himself on a stool. Luke joined him a moment later, brandishing two forks, which Teddy didn’t realise he’d forgotten. Accepting one of them from him, Teddy clinked it against Luke’s in an odd sort of cheers which made them both laugh, before digging in.

Teddy actually began to wonder if sometimes he worried too much, because watching Luke cook this dish had been quite stressful at times, but the end result was actually not half bad. He doubted very much that it even remotely resembled anything that could be called a traditional chicken cacciatore, but it was quite tasty, whatever it was. He hummed his appreciation as he took a second mouthful, giving Luke an impressed nod.

“You know what” he said incredulously. “I think the pineapple actually works.”

“Whatever made you think it wouldn’t?” Luke replied nonchalantly, and Teddy laughed.

“With the amount of Italian men you’ve dated, I would have thought you’d pick up a thing or two about Italian cooking” Teddy shot back, and Luke grinned mischievously.

“Funnily enough, we never spent an awful lot of time in the kitchen” he replied, before sipping his wine in a dignified manner.

Teddy didn’t have a witty comeback to that, so he ate his meal in peaceful silence for a minute or two. He hadn’t really been paying attention to whatever the previous song on the playlist was, but he noticed when it changed to Blurred Lines.

“Fuck, now this had to be the biggest song that year, right?” Teddy pointed out. “I remember hearing it about a thousand times.”

Luke, being muggle born, had introduced Teddy to an awful lot of things in the muggle world, but perhaps the most significant was the music. Teddy had never really been that into wizarding music, finding it OK as background noise but not really something he actively sought out. But from the very first time Luke had played Teddy some Lady Gaga on his battered, second hand iPod, Teddy had been hooked. They had limited access to it at Hogwarts, finding that Luke’s electronics only worked in the furthest edges of the grounds, so they had consumed as much of the latest popular music as they could over the holidays, almost obsessively keeping up with what was in the charts. In later years, they hadn’t needed to scour the CD stores or listen to the primetime radio shows to find out what was trending, as they knew what was popular by what was playing in the clubs they went to. And those nights out had effectively imprinted fond memories onto certain songs, cementing them as sentimentally significant in Teddy’s mind. It was no real surprise really that listening to an old playlist was as effective a mood enhancer as it was.

After they had finished their meal Luke unplugged the speakers and took them through into the living room, plugging them into a wall socket next to the TV and resuming the playlist, which was now running through some of the lesser hits from that year, activating memories Teddy didn’t even know that he still had. Luke settled himself on the sofa and lit a cigarette, but Teddy took a seat on the floor, leaning back against the couch and stretching his legs underneath the coffee table. They were reaching the end of the bottle of wine, and Teddy had a nice buzz going, feeling comfortably hazy as he sung along to Are You in Love With a Notion. Teddy had been particularly taken with the Courteeners when he discovered them, their rough-around-the-edges brand of indie rock really resonating with his teenage angst.

“When is it you're off to New Zealand again?” Luke asked him casually, as he flicked his ash into an ashtray on the table. “It’s some time next week, right?”

“Oh shit, right” Teddy muttered, frowning. “I haven’t told you, have I? We’re postponing a couple of weeks.”

“How come?” Luke asked, looking surprised.

“Something came up at work” Teddy lied, unsure exactly why he didn’t want to tell Luke the real reason, but the words coming out of his mouth before he really had any chance to consider the matter.

“Mmm hmmm?” Luke replied, surveying Teddy in that way he did that Teddy knew meant Luke could see right through him, so he doubled down.

“He’s busy on his end too, so it worked out alright” he added. That part was actually true. Luke still looked a little sceptical, but he didn’t pursue that line of enquiry any further, taking a drag from his cigarette and breathing out a long stream of smoke, not bothering to direct it away from Teddy, who shot him back an unimpressed look as the second hand smoke hit him in the face.

“Remind me again what it is he does” Luke asked, gesturing vaguely with the hand he was holding the cigarette in. “He’s like, Indiana Jones, but with goblins, right?”

Teddy couldn’t help but laugh at that description, snickering profusely before he replied.

“You’re not that far off actually, but not so much with goblins any more” Teddy told him.

“So what, he’s got more treasure to find?” Luke asked, looking rather sceptical about that as well.

“Guess so” Teddy replied as casually as he could, casting around for a change of subject. Inspiration came in the form of a random memory involving James, Luke and himself.

“Oh shit, you know what else I never told you” Teddy offered, and Luke’s face lit up at the prospect of some gossip, which made Teddy laugh again. “A little while back, when we were heading over here, James asked me if there had ever been anything between you and me” Teddy told him. He opted not include exactly which night that had been, not wanting this potentially funny story to be marred by that detail.

“Really?” Luke asked, his eyebrows raised.

“I know” Teddy said, shaking his head. “As if I wouldn’t have told him, if there was.”

“That’s not what I’m surprised by” Luke countered. “I’m surprised it’s taken him this long to ask.”

“I think he said something to that effect” Teddy told him. “Like he didn’t know why it hadn’t come up before now.”

“What did you say?” Luke asked with interest.

“I told him about that time we kissed. You know, back at school?” Teddy told him. Luke looked rather taken aback by that and Teddy laughed. “Yeah, he looked exactly like that.”

“I can’t believe you told him that” Luke said, half laughing. “You know how much of a twat you come off in that story, right? I’m assuming some strategic editing was done?”

“What do you mean?” Teddy asked, genuinely confused as to what Luke was talking about.

“Come on, Teddy” Luke said earnestly. “I know it was a long time ago, and it doesn’t really matter now, but you do know you handled that terribly, don’t you?”

“What did I do?” Teddy said rather defensively. “You were there too, we both did it!”

“You really don’t remember, do you?” Luke asked incredulously. He looked at Teddy curiously, who was still utterly confused, and Luke laughed.

 “Teddy, YOU’RE the one who kissed ME” Luke told him.

And just like that all the memories came flooding back. Teddy hadn’t thought about it in well over a decade, and somewhere along the way his mind must have glazed over the details, but in an instant he knew that Luke was right. It was Teddy who had started it.

He and Luke were the last ones left in the common room. They had slacked off on homework all week and now had to stay up late to finish a charms essay (or was it transfiguration?) that was due the next morning. Teddy didn’t remember being particularly concerned about the essay, but he remembered being acutely aware of Luke sitting next to him. Every time Luke shuffled in his chair, or his hand brushed against Teddy’s as he pointed at something in the book in front of them set Teddy’s senses on edge. He remembered not being able to concentrate for the tension of it all. He was fourteen, going on fifteen and everything felt so heightened. Every emotion felt cataclysmic. Making the wrong move felt like it could mean the end of the world, but not making a move at all felt like it would be even worse. Like he’d be stuck in some sort of purgatory forever, not fully knowing who he was.

He hadn’t meant to stare, but Luke caught him doing so. Teddy remembered his mouth going dry as Luke said nothing, but stared back at him with a ‘well, what do you want?’ sort of expression, waiting for him to say something. He remembered every inch of Luke in that second.

They were similar in height now, adult Luke having no more than a couple of inches on Teddy, but back then Luke had been tall, having his growth spurt early. He had always been skinny, but Teddy liked that look on him. He wore baggy t-shirts that probably weren’t supposed to be baggy but just hung off his slender frame like that, often exposing a collarbone, like the plain white tee he was wearing right now did. His hair was neatly styled, dark brown and shaved at the sides while jutting forwards into a side fringe over the front. Teddy in later years would take the piss out of him for having an emo phase, but it was in style at the time. And his eyes. His eyes were a murky green, that looked almost grey in certain lighting, like that of the dimly lit common room after hours. Teddy remembered staring into them, feeling like he could happily do it for hours.

“What?” the Luke in Teddy’s memory said in exasperation. Or maybe it was “what are you looking at?” Or maybe he had asked something about the essay. That bit was fuzzy, but what followed was crystal clear. Teddy leaned over and planted his lips on Luke, who made a quietly surprised sound. Teddy’s torso was twisted uncomfortably in the chair, with his legs still facing forward under the table, but he didn’t dare move, not while his lips were pressed against Luke’s.

Luke’s lips were warm, which took Teddy by surprise. He would later laugh at himself for that (had he expected them to be cold??) but in the moment it caught him off guard. He had seen people in movies moving their mouths around a lot, and sticking their tongues in each other’s mouths, but that felt a bit like the pro leagues. But maybe this was weird, just pressing your lips into someone without moving at all. Teddy opted for a middle ground, shifting his lips and parting them ever so slightly. Luke took a sharp inhale through the nose as he did so which sent something that felt like a bolt of lightning through Teddy and straight to his cock. Well, that cleared that up, at least.

He pulled back to see if Luke was having the same reaction, but to his horror Luke merely looked shocked and a little wary. Teddy pulled all the way back to sitting upright in his own seat, not knowing what to do now.

“Teddy" Luke had said slowly, his voice a little shaky. “What did you do that for?”

“I just wanted to" had been Teddy’s response. He bristled at that now, the idea that he was just taking what he wanted from Luke without even considering if Luke wanted it or not. But at the time it had felt perfectly reasonable. At the time it hadn’t even really occurred to him that Luke wouldn’t want it.

“We’re friends" Luke had said, as though this was an obvious point that Teddy was somehow overlooking. “This... this is weird” Luke went on uncertainly. “Let’s just be friends, alright?”

Teddy didn’t know how he had ever forgotten that this was the way it had gone down. That in that moment he had felt like Luke had just ripped his heart out, and that he had stomped off up to bed without another word. Maybe it was because after a relatively restless night of stewing over it, he must have eventually fallen asleep, and he had no idea what it was in his brain that had somehow recalibrated overnight, but when he woke up in the morning, he too was regretful and embarrassed about what he had done. And he had total clarity on the fact that he didn’t fancy Luke at all. Luke was right, they were friends, and what had happened the previous night was just plain weird.

There had been some residual awkwardness the next morning, but by and large Luke was acting like nothing had happened, so Teddy followed his lead and neither of them had ever mentioned it again.

Well, until now, that was.

“Fuck me" Teddy said, laughing breathily. “I think I’ve been repressing that.”

“You and me both" Luke smirked. “That was my first kiss as well, you bastard. You just did it, without even asking.”

“Fuck, I didn’t know I was supposed to ask!" Teddy replied defensively. “It was my first, as well. I thought you were supposed to just go for it, that seemed like the romantic thing to do.”

“Nothing about that was romantic" Luke laughed. “You fucking blindsided me.”

“And then you told me to fuck off, in so many words" Teddy said, in fake outrage. “I was heartbroken, for about eight hours.”

“You didn’t really want me like that" Luke told him sagely. “You were just trying to figure your own shit out.”

“Did you know that? Back then?” Teddy asked.

“Yeah, I knew" Luke replied nonchalantly. “I’d seen you giving me sidelong glances for weeks.”

“And you didn’t say anything?” Teddy asked incredulously.

“What was I supposed to say?” Luke demanded.

“I don't know” Teddy replied. “How about – ‘look Teddy, I know you think you fancy me but you don’t, so stop being such a twat about it’?” Luke laughed, and Teddy did too. “You never had a problem calling me out before” he added.

“I kinda wanted to see how it would resolve itself" Luke told him thoughtfully. “And" he added after a pause. “If we’re being really honest... I guess... it’s not like I hadn’t thought about it.”

“AHA" Teddy cried accusatorially, and Luke started laughing again. “You fucking DID want it!” he declared.

“Teddy” Luke said reasonably. “We were fourteen. I was gay, and horny as hell, and my fit best mate had starting looking at me like he liked what he was seeing. I’m only human, for Christ’s sake.”

“So you DID want me to kiss you" Teddy said, feeling vindicated.

“Yeah, I did" Luke admitted. “I wasn’t ready for it though. Freaked me the fuck out when you just sprung it on me like that.”

“Sorry about that" Teddy frowned, feeling genuinely quite guilty. He hadn’t often stopped to consider the consequences of his actions, back then. But Luke didn’t seem particularly disturbed by revisiting this memory. He waved a hand airily.

“It was probably for the best" Luke said calmly. “Fuck, if you’d executed it more smoothly it might have actually turned into something, which would have been a shitshow for everyone involved.”

“You so sure about that?” Teddy asked thoughtfully. Time had long since passed since he and Luke being together was even a remote possibility. But what James had said to him that night echoed in Teddy’s head. It’s not such a crazy idea, is it?

“Teddy, my dear, my love" Luke started, his tone already dismissive which Teddy knew meant an insult was coming his way. “You are my best friend in the world, and my life has truly benefitted from having you in it” Luke went on, quite sincerely, and Teddy was genuinely touched. “But you do my fucking head in" Luke added sternly, and Teddy laughed. “I do NOT want to date you." Luke stated flatly.

“Shit, don’t pull any punches, will you?” Teddy replied, still smirking.

“I’ve never been anything but straight with you" Luke shrugged. “And DON’T” he admonished, seeing the glint in Teddy’s eye. “That’s far too low hanging fruit for a joke and you’re better than that.”

“I think that fruit is at the perfect height for a joke" Teddy argued. “And when I say ‘that fruit’, I am of course talking about you.”

“There it is” Luke said, sounding bored while Teddy laughed at his own joke. Luke shook his head disapprovingly, and reached for the packet of cigarettes on the table. He drew one out with his mouth and lit it with the tip of his wand, before offering the packet to Teddy. Teddy was about to take it from him when Luke seemed to realise what he was doing and quickly withdrew it.

“Oh shit, you haven’t smoked in ages" he said, more to himself than to Teddy. “Fuck, man, I think this wine is going to my head.”

“Go on, give me one" Teddy said, reaching out for the packet, which Luke held further away from him while giving him a judgemental look.

“You’re not allowed, are you?” Luke said innocently, and Teddy slapped him on the arm he was using to keep the cigarettes away from him, and made further attempts to grab the packet.

“Fuck off ‘not allowed'" Teddy said indignantly and Luke cackled. “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” he cried as he wrestled the packet away from Luke.

“I’ll tell James” Luke said antagonistically, as Teddy took one out and went to light it for himself.

“Bitch!" Teddy replied irately, taking the cigarette that wasn’t quite lit yet out of his mouth to do so. “Whose side are you on, anyway?”

“Well shit, not yours" Luke replied, and Teddy again failed to light his cigarette as he was laughing too much. This. This right here was why Luke was his best friend in the world. The number of nights they had wiled away in this apartment, shooting the shit and getting steadily more and more wine drunk and more silly as the night went on. And then in the early hours getting philosophical and talking for hours about everything. Teddy had really missed these kind of nights. He had really missed this side of Luke, it not coming out so much lately what with his grief pulling him down.

Luke stopped being ridiculous for long enough for Teddy to finally light his cigarette and he took a long drag from it, feeling his chest relax on the exhale. He hadn’t smoked in a long time, and the taste of it in his mouth was actually quite horrible. But there was something nice about the familiarity of it.

“Do you remember the first time we smoked?” Teddy asked Luke with a wry smile.

“Of course" Luke grinned in response. “Behind the greenhouses in fourth year. Was it fourth? Fifth?” he frowned as he tried to recall.

“I dunno" Teddy shrugged. “I remember you nearly threw up in the bushes.”

“Not you though" Luke mused. “Too cool for school. You thought you were such a fucking bad boy.”

“As if you didn’t” Teddy snorted. Back then the two of them had thought no-one at that school was cooler than them. Even looking back on in now Teddy still kind of did think that.

“We went out clubbing for the first time the summer after that" Luke said wistfully. “Must have been fifth year, then.”

“I lost my virginity that summer" Teddy offered, thoughtfully, watching the smoke he was breathing out twist through the air.

“I know" Luke replied calmly. “I was downstairs at the party where it happened.”

“Make me sound like a slag, why don’t you” Teddy huffed.

“Bitch, you were!” Luke replied indignantly, and Teddy laughed. “Did you ever even talk to that girl again?”

“Don’t think so, no" Teddy replied unconcernedly, wondering vaguely for a moment whether he ought to feel bad about that or not. To be fair, it wasn’t like she had ever tried to contact him either.

“I was there when you lost yours too" Teddy reminded Luke. “Well, not THERE. But I was there in the club when you left with the guy.”

“And I was there when you sucked a dick for the first time" Luke replied, smirking. “In a club bathroom stall, no less.”

“That’s me. Classy" Teddy replied, and Luke cracked up. The truth of the matter was that everyone in their circle of friends had done some truly degenerate shit back in their clubbing years. Christ, it was a wonder any of them had grown up to be functioning members of society.

"I think we know far too much about each other” Teddy said seriously as he leaned forward to flick some ash into the ashtray on the table, while Luke regained his composure.

“Yeah, probably” Luke replied, not sounding concerned about it. “I think that’s just what happens when you’ve been friends for this long, you know?” Luke mused. “I mean, you were literally there for most of the formative experiences in my life.”

“It’s a burden I bear" Teddy said wearily, and Luke punched him lightly on the arm.

“It means a lot. You being here” Luke said quietly, his tone suddenly very sincere. Teddy was taken aback by the abrupt shift in atmosphere.

“Of course" he replied simply. “Where else would I be?”

“In New Zealand, with your man?” Luke supplied, and Teddy felt his spirits begin to sink.

“I told you, something came up at work" he said, not meeting Luke’s eye and puffing on his cigarette.

“And I know when you’re lying" Luke countered, which took Teddy by surprise. “I don’t know how you still don’t know that, after all these years.”

Teddy sighed as he stubbed out the end of his cigarette in the ashtray. He supposed he should know that, by now. Luke could read just about anyone, but especially Teddy.

“Did you stay here to keep an eye on me?” Luke pressed him. “Because it’s not necessary, you know.”

“As much as I’d like to take credit for that, no. That’s not why I didn’t go" Teddy admitted with a grim smile. He guessed there was no point in lying anymore now. He didn’t even know why he had in the first place. “Jamie cancelled on me.”

“Why?” Luke asked, looking surprised.

“He said he’s just a lot busier now than he thought he would be when we planned it" Teddy shrugged, trying to brush it off like it wasn’t a big deal. “Said we should just postpone until he’s got the time to show me around properly. Spend more time with me.”

“Well why didn’t you just say that, you dick?” Luke admonished him, and Teddy huffed a small laugh.

“Because I’m pissed off" he replied honestly. “And I’m not sure I have any right to be.” Teddy sighed. “He’s right, it’s a long way for me to go so we might as well make sure we time it right.”

“You still have a right to be pissed off” Luke said, and Teddy was surprised again. “You were really looking forward to it" Luke said reasonably. “And you miss him, a lot.”

“You’ve noticed, have you?” Teddy smirked.

“Yeah, I’ve noticed" Luke replied fervently. “I’ve noticed you trying to hide it from me as well. Like I’m some emotional fucking wreck that can’t handle any more.”

“Well" Teddy said reasonably. “Aren’t you?” Luke smiled in amusement.

“I’m grieving, Teddy" he replied earnestly. “I’m not in the midst of some sort of breakdown. I’m sad, but I’m alright.”

“Well that’s good to know" Teddy smiled. “But it wasn’t so much that I didn’t think you could handle it. It was more about me not piling all my shit on you when you’ve got enough shit of your own.”

“I appreciate that" Luke replied sincerely. “But dealing with someone else’s shit sounds infinitely better than dealing with my own, right now.” He picked up the empty wine bottle from the table and held it out towards Teddy. “So why don’t you open another bottle of wine and tell me what’s going on with you” he added.

“You want to hear about all my problems?” Teddy asked sceptically, although he obligingly took the bottle from Luke and got up to take it to the kitchen.

“That’s our thing, no?” Luke replied, and Teddy chuckled.

“Might get a bit heavy" Teddy warned him, as he unceremoniously chucked the empty bottle into the recycling bin and grabbed another bottle at random from the wine rack on the counter.

“I know" Luke called back to him from the living room. “I probably already know a lot more than you think I do.”

“Oh, I don't doubt that” Teddy smiled as he went back into the living room. “I assume your wonderful powers of insight haven’t been clouded by all this.”

“Feel stronger, if anything" Luke replied calmly as Teddy handed him the new bottle of wine. He took a look at the label and scowled. “A malbec?” he asked Teddy incredulously. “What are we having a steak dinner? Get the bloody pinot grigio out of the fridge.”

Teddy spared him a look of disdain before doing as he said.

“You’re turning more into an old, middle class queen every day" Teddy shot at him from the kitchen, and he heard Luke laugh.

He returned to Luke with the requested wine. Luke didn’t bother thanking him, and merely refilled their glasses looking business like, before settling back in his seat, glass in hand.

“Go on, then" he said to Teddy. “Tell me what’s going on with you and James.”

Teddy hesitated, unsure of how much of what was swirling around in his head he wanted to vocalise. It wasn’t that he particularly wanted to keep anything from Luke, but there were definitely aspects of it he didn’t really want to face up to himself. Not until he was forced to.

“Long distance is harder than I thought" Teddy sighed.

“No shit" Luke replied calmly. “Did you think it would be easy?”

“I guess not" Teddy conceded. “But I didn’t think it would be this...” he was about to say lonely, but thought better of it when he looked at Luke's sympathetic smile and remembered why he was here in the first place. He had no right complaining to Luke of all people right now about feeling alone.

“I just miss him" Teddy said quietly. “Every day. And literally nothing makes that feeling go away.”

“Not even hanging out with your old pal Luke?" Luke asked playfully, and Teddy laughed.

“It’s been kind of great being here, actually” Teddy told him earnestly. “I feel a bit like we’re twenty again.”

“When we were at each others’ places all the time because neither of us had ever lived alone before" Luke supplied reminiscently.

“Yeah” Teddy chuckled. He hadn’t recognised it at the time as that being the reason he barely spent any time in his own flat that first year or so, but he knew Luke was right. “And I’ve somehow reverted back to that now" Teddy went on. “Feels a bit like solitary confinement, whenever I go back there.”

“Are you gonna be able to make it another three months?” Luke asked, frowning.

“I’m gonna have to, aren’t I?” Teddy said wearily. “That was sort of the point of us booking in these trips. So then it’s only really a couple of months at a time we don’t see each other.”

“Unless he cancels on you" Luke replied understandingly. “Then two months stretches into three.”

“Exactly" Teddy replied. “So now he’s probably not going to be prioritising seeing me when he’s back for Christmas, because it won’t have been that long since I was out there. This wasn’t the plan.”

“Plans get fucked up, Teddy” Luke told him. “And you’re allowed to be pissed off, I would be too. But you’re worried about more than just going another couple of weeks without seeing him, aren’t you?”

Teddy frowned at Luke for calling him out, but there was no point in denying it.

“Part of me thinks he doesn’t want me there" Teddy admitted, and it sounded stupid and self pitying when he said it aloud, but there it was. “I think he’s having a great time and he doesn’t want to come home. And he doesn’t want to see me because it’ll be a reminder that he has to come home, at some point.”

“He wants you there" Luke assured him. “He does. But the rest of it sounds about right. You should tell him you’re worried about that.”

“I don’t know how to do that with without starting a row” Teddy said wearily. “The last time I said something like that to him he just told me I was being ridiculous. Maybe I am, fuck. I did agree that he could go, didn’t I? I can’t start guilt tripping him about it now.”

“Well I wouldn’t suggest you frame it like that" Luke countered. “But even if it wasn’t explicitly stated,  you did have an agreement to keep this relationship going while he’s over there, didn’t you? That’s as much his responsibility as it is yours.”

Teddy mulled that one over for a minute while he drank his wine. It was true that he would have been a shit boyfriend for telling James that he couldn’t go. But James would also be a shit boyfriend if he just disappeared for six months without even thinking about how it would affect Teddy. It was a partnership, their relationship. They both had to pull their weight in it.

“Talk to him, Teddy" Luke told him. “If you’re feeling shitty about the way things are then he’d want to know that. He’d want to do something about it.”

“You don’t think that would qualify as guilt tripping?” Teddy asked.

“Not if you’re not manipulating him into a specific action" Luke said shaking his head. “Just tell him how you feel.”

“Scared" Teddy replied with a humourless laugh, reaching again for the cigarettes on the table without bothering to ask Luke if he could have another one. “Scared is how I feel. That I won’t be able to handle another three months of this but he will. That we’re not on the same page about what it means to be apart like this. That in three months time this thing with him working abroad won’t just be over. We’re going to have to have a serious conversation about what happens next, and I’m fucking TERRIFIED about that.” Teddy had taken a cigarette out of the packet and was holding it between his fingers and gesturing with his hand while he spoke. When he was done he put it to his mouth to light it, Luke watching him in obvious concern.

“But you already knew all of that, right?” Teddy muttered gruffly as he exhaled the first puff of smoke.

“Yeah, I already knew all of that" Luke agreed quietly.

“So?” Teddy prompted him. “Tell me I’m overreacting. Tell me I shouldn’t be worried about that.”

“You know I can’t” Luke replied, his voice sounding calm but a little sad.

“Fuck" Teddy muttered.  This conversation was making him feel worse, not better.

“You’re going to work it out, Teddy" Luke told him firmly. “It might not be easy, but you’ll work it out. You have to. Fuck, if the two of you can’t make it there's no hope for the rest of us.”

Teddy supposed that all he could do right now was choose to believe that. He didn’t really have any alternative.

“What happened to your man, anyway?” Teddy asked Luke, changing the subject, because he didn’t think he could take any more of the previous one.

“Who? Marco?” Luke asked, looking surprised.

“I don’t know his fucking name” Teddy replied, biting back a laugh at the fact that the name suggested he’d been probably either Spanish or Italian. Luke sure did have a type. “You never introduced us, which is usually a sign that you’re serious about him" Teddy went on. “You don’t want us scaring him off.”

“I can tell you want me to deny that, but you’re dead right there" Luke replied, and Teddy grinned. “I’ve got to make sure any new man in my life isn’t a flight risk before I let you reprobates loose on him.”

“Why’d you kick Marco to the kerb, then?” Teddy asked, with interest. “Jim said you ghosted him? That’s not like you.”

“Yeah, I know, I should have made a cleaner break of it" Luke sighed, now reaching for the cigarettes himself. Teddy slid the packet across the table to him.

“Why did you wanna break it off at all?” Teddy asked. “You seemed pretty happy. Not that you told us anything about him” he added pointedly. But that only served to reinforce his point. Luke didn’t bring people into the circle unless they were either just a passing fling or a long term prospect that he’d thoroughly vetted first. Marco appeared to fall into the latter category.

“We’d only been going out for six weeks" Luke replied while he lit a cigarette, as though this should be obvious. “The relationship was far too new to put the weight of my mum dying on it.”

“You think he’d have bolted?” Teddy asked.

“No" Luke said through an exhale of smoke. “He’d have stayed around, to take care of me. But a couple of months of him trying to look after my depressed arse would have turned what we had into him just pitying me. And then he’d have bolted, hating himself for it.” Luke shook his head knowingly. “I wasn’t going to put him through that.”

“You don’t know that’s what would have happened" Teddy frowned. “If the two of you had something good wouldn’t he have wanted to be there for you, through this? I’M here, and it’s not because I pity you.”

“It is a bit” Luke argued. “And that’s not the same, anyway. I could move to New Zealand for six months and it wouldn’t affect you nearly as much as James going has. There’s more expected from a boyfriend. And I’m not just talking about him letting me down. I’m in no fit state to be someone’s partner right now. I’d let him down. And I didn’t want to do that.”

“You really liked him, didn’t you?” Teddy asked regretfully.

“I did" Luke replied calmly, although he looked miserable now. “When I’m on the other side of all this I’ll give him a call. See if he’s still single.”

“You could do that now, you know" Teddy offered, and Luke shook his head.

“I’m not there yet" he replied. Teddy would have liked to argue the point further, but Luke looked genuinely quite sad now so he thought it better not to press him any more. He smoked his cigarette in silence for a moment.

“Marco" Teddy said after a pause, rolling the r. “Spanish?”

“From Valencia" Luke replied, with a small smile. “Beautiful accent.”

“I’d expect nothing less" Teddy smiled back.