Chapter 5
“i like being alone
but that is why i knew you were different
because for the first time ever
i wanted someone else’s company
more than my own”
- Whitney Hanson
Chapter 5
Neil sobbed.
He had staved off his tears at the train station, inside the subway, and as he plodded up the steps to the apartment.
However, when he swung open the door and was met with the concerned faces of his two closest friends, he broke down in a matter of seconds.
Ugly, mournful sobs were wrenched from his throat as he kneeled on the rug at the front door and collapsed into Charlie’s arms when his best friend sprinted and dropped to his knees at his side— Knox crouching next to them with a handful of tissues.
He hadn’t cried so hard in years. When was the last time something had made him cry so wretchedly? He was too scatterbrained at the moment to pinpoint a previous instance that caused him an unquantifiable amount of emotional despair that also presented itself physically as well. His stomach hurt as his hurriedly consumed dinner swished discontentedly inside him, his skull pounded fiercely with the beginnings of a migraine, his chest ached as though someone was attempting to claw at his heart, his lungs burned with each sharp inhale, his nose and eyes stung ferociously with the saltiness of his tears and snot. Oh, how he agonized.
Charlie and Knox held his curled up frame, wracked with sobs, and whispered gentle words into his ears until his tears subsided almost two hours later.
The grandfather clock in the living room chimed out twelve dings, signaling the arrival of midnight. And Neil felt utterly hollow as his two friends half-led, half-carried him to the sofa so they weren’t huddled up on the cold floor for god knows how much longer. Neil knew he should either talk to his roommates or go to bed. His body was heavy with exhaustion, begging for rest, but the idea of sleeping felt strangely daunting— not without voicing his troubles so his subconscious wouldn't attack him with haunting dreams. The former choice was his only option.
“Neil?” Charlie peeped, sounding hesitant. “Did, uh, did something happen at the hospital? Is… is Jeff’s brother, Todd, um…”
His best friend’s words trailed off, but Neil heard the unspoken question.
Is Todd dead?
One would think, with the intensity of his reaction, that the young, blonde man had passed away. That he’d died, surrounded by nurses and strangers instead of his family— instead of with Neil. But was he not essentially a stranger, too? He hadn’t known of Todd’s existence until that fateful day on February 3rd. Now, it was mere minutes into the new day— into February 27th.
Twenty-four days. Twenty-four days.
Neil has been diligently aiding Jeff and Heather in caring and watching over their brother for almost an entire month. A month the blonde has spent in the Intensive Care Unit, and he didn’t appear to be leaving anytime soon. Because no, Todd was not dead, but the younger boy’s body kept betraying him over and over and over again. His broken bones were mending and his cuts, scrapes, and bruises were healing. His stitches were dissolving and the bandages on his face, arm, and leg could be removed soon. However, Todd’s brain and lungs weren’t cooperating. While his other injuries were making strides forward, those traumas were taking steps backward.
He, Jeff, and Heather had all paced furiously around the waiting area after they’d been booted from Todd’s room— the guests at the hospital had eyed them warily as though the three of them were going to bust out into a feral rampage. Around nine, Dr. Kelly had appeared and brought them back to the ICU wing to inform them of the good news and bad news. Todd was alive and stabilized after his seizure, but he was at a far higher risk for another potential seizure that could cause permanent damage to his brain. The neurologist had to run several brain scans, and the extremity of the seizure had caused the blonde boy to upset his healing ribs meaning another surgery in case of renewed internal bleeding.
Dr. Kelly had told them that Todd had a long night ahead of him and would be placed back on supplemental oxygen for the time being.
Neil hadn’t been able to hide the crushing disappointment on his face and Heather rubbed his shoulder comfortingly as she wept into a tissue.
He hadn’t dared look over to see Jeff’s reaction.
His disappointment had transformed into anger when Dr. Kelly asked that they only have one of them stay the night. They had tried to argue, but the doctor refused to hear them out. He understood, though, Todd’s hospital room would be hectic tonight and the nurses didn’t need to be stumbling around more additional people than necessary. He still had been pissed, though.
Heather and Neil had agreed that Jeff should stay overnight, as the older man was Todd’s closest relative, and begrudgingly left the hospital around nine-thirty PM. Before they parted ways, Heather had told him that she’d call and update Chris. And while the streets of New York had still been quite lively, Neil had felt completely alone in the world as he trekked back to the apartment while keeping his tears at bay.
Was he allowed to grieve over a person that wasn’t gone?
Was he allowed to feel such sorrow over a person he knew mostly through tales and word-of-mouth?
Was he allowed to miss someone he’d spoken to in only a few fleeting moments when the man had been lucid enough to string together a couple coherent sentences?
“No,” Neil said, sniffling, and wiping at his face. “No, he’s not… you know.”
He didn’t miss the relieved yet confused expressions exchanged between the couple.
“But something happened?” Knox asked, passing him another Kleenex. Neil accepted the item gratefully and blew his nose.
“He had a seizure,” Neil replied dully. He hated the way his voice quivered. “They had to resuscitate him again but he’s… he’s stable now.”
“I’m sorry, Neil,” Charlie frowned, while Knox stood up and rustled around the kitchen. “That sounds fucking terrifying.”
“It was,” he muttered. “I’ve been scared before, but this was- this was new. This was a different level of fear.”
Knox returned with a glass of water that he handed off to him, and Neil murmured a heartfelt thank you and gulped down nearly half the glass. He’d forgotten how dehydrating crying could be, and the briskness of the water grounded him— but also reminded him of chilly fingers he’d held only a few hours ago.
“I bet,” Charlie nodded, leaning back tiredly. “But there’s nothing you can do about it now. Jeff and Heather are with him at the moment, aren’t they?”
“Yeah, Jeff is.”
“That’s good. He has his brother with him. You can sleep in tomorrow.”
“What?” Neil furrowed his brows at his best friend. “No, I’m getting up as early as possible and heading straight to the hospital.”
“Neil,” Charlie rolled his eyes, exasperated but not unkind. “You’re joking, right?”
“Why would I be?” He challenged.
“He has Jeff and Heather and a whole team of nurses and doctors watching over him. You don’t have to be there.”
“But I want to be there.”
“Well I want you to sleep and to eat something that isn’t hospital cafeteria slop or fast food. Seriously, Neil, you’re running yourself into the ground.”
“Charlie, I’m fine.”
“You literally came home and had a massive mental breakdown right in front of us just now, or did you already forget?”
“I’m going to the hospital in the morning,” he stated stubbornly through gritted teeth.
“No,” Charlie matched him with equal stubbornness. “You’re staying home and you’re going to focus on yourself. I’m putting you on house arrest.”
“What the fuck, Charlie? You’re not the boss of me. I’m a grown adult.”
“Yeah, sure, age-wise maybe, but currently you’re behaving like a baby.”
“I am not!”
“Yes you are!”
“Hey,” Knox interrupted, wedging himself between the two men. “I know it’s late and we’re all exhausted and we’ve all had stressful days, but there's no need for arguing.”
“Well then that settles it. I’m going to the hospital tomorrow.”
“Like hell you are.”
“Fuck off, Charlie, I’m going.”
“Why do you want to go so badly?” His best friend huffed, crossing his arms. “He has his family. There’s no reason for you to be there every fucking hour of every single day.”
“I like being at the hospital.”
“But why? Todd doesn’t need you.”
Well, I need Todd.
“I care about him.”
“And I care about you.”
He watched as his best friend rolled his eyes again. The desire to punch him was steadily growing with each minute that ticked by.
“Knox, help me out here,” he turned to the other man— hoping he’d pick his side instead of his boyfriend’s.
“I’m sorry, Neil, but I agree with Charlie,” Knox shrugged unabashedly. “I don’t see why you’d want to hang around the hospital all the time for a person who barely knows you. I mean, come on, he’s just some guy.”
He’s just some guy?
Just some guy?
Neil wanted to burst into maniacal laughter.
Neil also wanted to murder someone— specifically Knox.
“He is not just some guy. His name is Todd and he loves cats and Hozier and he graduated with his masters at nineteen. Don’t you dare call him ‘just some guy’,” he snarled at the two of them, nearly frothing at the mouth with rage, causing both of his friends to recoil.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Knox held his hands up in surrender. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
Neil relaxed a bit, appeased, but still glowered at his best friend's boyfriend.
Todd was not just some guy.
Meanwhile Charlie sat there, lips pursed, squinting his eyes at Neil as if trying to excavate into his soul. Suddenly, zapped with a spark of realization, his best friend’s eyes widened.
“Oh. I think I get it now.”
Neil and Knox both stared at him in bewilderment.
“Huh?”
“Get what?”
Charlie just shook his head, “you’ve got it bad, Neilio.”
“What?” He snapped, irritated. He wasn’t in the mood for mind games. He wanted to lay down in his bed and he wanted to be with Jeff, Heather, and Todd. “What do you mean?”
“Nothing. Nevermind. Let’s all just go to bed.” Charlie deflected, rising to his feet and nudging his boyfriend up as well. “I still don’t think you should go to the hospital tomorrow, but you’re right— I can’t control what you choose to do. I can just hope you figure out what you’re feeling and be responsible about it.”
Neil opened his mouth, prepared to continue arguing. There was something offhanded about Charlie’s words, something that caused his heartbeat to thump loudly in his ears and skin on his arms to prickle. His best friend was lucky he didn’t have an ounce of energy to formulate a snarky response. He closed his mouth, teeth clicking together, and pushed himself off the couch.
“Whatever,” he griped, then added stiffly. “Goodnight and thanks, I guess.”
“Goodnight,” Charlie and Knox said in unison.
As they headed off to their separate rooms, Neil knew he should’ve been kinder or thanked them genuinely. The pair had helped him out of his meltdown, and he’d snapped at them. The beginnings of guilt knotted in his stomach as he changed out of his clothes into pajamas, but he shoved it away in favor of being annoyed as he climbed into bed. Charlie and Knox just didn’t understand. They weren’t in his situation— their perceptions were diluted by the fact that they only saw Neil’s stress and the aftermath of the tougher days. They worried about him, and he appreciated that.
But he was fine.
They didn’t need to coddle him nor did he need a break.
As he plugged his phone in and shut his eyes, Charlie’s words echoed through his brain.
“You’ve got it bad.”
What the hell did that mean? What was Charlie getting at?
Before his mind could delve deeper into picking apart and examining their conversation, sleep washed over him like an incoming tidal wave.
His dreams were invaded by familiar, pretty blue eyes.
—-
Neil woke up around nine in the morning, unknowingly having snoozed his alarms in his sleep, and scrambled to check his phone first thing.
6:06am
Heather: Jeff told me they had to perform an emergency surgery on Todd in the middle of the night. His brain had some swelling and his ribs had shifted and caused some internal bleeding. He’s okay now. They have him on a concoction of painkillers and fever reducers that cause drowsiness so he’s pretty much gonna be back to sleeping all day and night. 🙁
6:10am
Heather: Jeff also said he had another seizure. Not as severe this time, though, and no brain damage (thank god). They’re working on figuring out the correct anti-seizure medication dosage that won’t mess with his other medications. He’ll have epilepsy for the rest of his life, though…
7:03am
Heather: I’m swapping places with Jeff so he can go into work late, but I think it’d be best if you spent some time away from the hospital and focused on yourself. You seemed really distraught last night when we were leaving, and I don’t want you to prioritize us over your mental health. I’ll keep you updated, of course, but maybe take this weekend to relax.
7:07am
Heather: Plus, we’ll need you to do quite a bit of overnight stays at the hospital with Todd when the new week starts up. Have a nice weekend, Neil. Take care of yourself ❤️.
As he reread the thread from Heather his initial instinct was to dramatically chuck his phone across the room in a fit of rage, but stopped himself when he realized how ridiculous that would be and took a deep breath. He was being childish, wanting to throw a tantrum because of a text message, and he needed to think logically.
Heather had his best interest at heart.
As did Charlie.
And, now that he had a clearer mind, maybe, just maybe, they were right to be worried about him and their desire for him to take time for himself was warranted.
But that didn’t mean he had to like it.
He made a mental note to apologize to Charlie and Knox about his crabby attitude toward them last night. He still had a sour taste in his mouth knowing he wouldn’t see Todd today, tomorrow, the next day, or the next, next day. However, he could spend the next few days cleaning his room, cooking meals (yes, Charlie was correct, he hadn’t eaten a homemade meal in ages), and binge-watching some of his favorite shows and movies. Perhaps even take a long, hot bubble bath and get a massage with the certificate Pitts had given him as a graduation gift (he has no clue why exactly his lanky friend purchased him a “spa day” coupon, but now he had an opportunity to make good use out of it).
He’ll relax, truly relax, over the weekend, but once Monday morning hit he was heading straight back to the hospital— no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
He whipped himself up an omelette for breakfast, brushed his teeth after he ate, and took a shower. He spent the day blasting the playlist he’d created for Todd while he deep cleaned every single inch of the apartment and reorganized the kitchen cabinets and bookshelves. He had forgotten about how spectacular the blonde’s taste in music was as he shuffled through various artists that he’d begun familiarizing himself with thanks to Todd. Neil took the time to comb through his closet and start a bag of donations to take the GoodWill tomorrow.
Charlie found him cleaning hours later, bleaching the shower and tub while humming to the lyrics of Chappell Roan’s Pink Pony Club that was currently blaring.
“Is this Chappell Roan?”
Neil jumped in fright, almost throwing the scrub brush he was holding— too absorbed by his task to notice his best friend’s return.
Charlie laughed as Neil removed the bright yellow rubber gloves from his hands and paused the music on his phone.
“Sorry, what did you say?”
“I asked if who you’re listening to is Chappell Roan.”
“Oh, yeah, it is.”
“I didn’t know you listened to Chappell Roan. What happened to that god awful Glee soundtrack you’d play on loop?”
“Hey! The Glee soundtrack is awesome,” Neil disputed. “And I don’t, usually, this is a playlist of Todd’s favorite artists.”
He could feel his face heating up as he admitted that out loud.
Was that weird of him to listen to the favorite artists of a person he barely knew as a coping mechanism because he missed said person?
Eh, probably not.
“Todd likes Chappell Roan?” Charlie raised his brows. “Not to cling to stereotypes but is he also gay?”
“Yes, actually.”
Neil wasn’t sure how to decipher the smirk that formed on his best friend’s face.
“Interesting. How come you never told me this?”
“I didn’t think it was necessary information to give.”
“Uh huh.”
“What?”
“Nothing.”
“Charlie.”
“Neil.”
He sighed, leaning against the bathroom door frame.
“I’m sorry about the way I acted last night after I got home at the hospital,” he apologized softly. “I- I was being a baby, and I should’ve known that you two were just looking out for me. I’ve been a shitty friend lately, barely being around and being snippy whenever we did see each other. You two have been great, and I was being unappreciative. I hope you can forgive me for my asshole behavior.”
Charlie tapped his chin, thoughtfully, before releasing a low chuckle. “You were a major asshole last night.” Neil winced. “But Knox and I also know that you’ve been under a ton of stress lately, which doesn’t excuse you being a dick, but we both could’ve been more understanding. You’re forgiven.”
“And, as you can see, I did not go to the hospital and I’ve been very productive,” Neil stated proudly.
Charlie looked unimpressed. “I’m glad you didn’t go to the hospital, but this was not what I pictured in terms of relaxing.”
“What? You want us to live in a pigsty?”
“It was not that dirty!”
“The apartment was filthy! When was the last time it was thoroughly cleaned?”
“Knox and I did a pretty solid clean of the apartment a few weeks ago.”
Neil narrowed his eyes on Charlie.
“Okay, Knox did a pretty solid clean of the apartment a few weeks ago.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“You caught me, officer, can I take a shower now?”
“No, the bleach needs to sit for another five minutes.”
“Oh my god. I’m getting a snack, then.”
“Don’t touch or move anything in the kitchen! I’m making us dinner once I rinse the bleach.”
“This house a fucking prison.”
“Shut up, you love me.”
“I don’t know why.”
“You’re so cranky, I’m turning the music back on.”
“Can you play Good Luck, Babe next?”
“… is there some hidden meaning behind that request?”
“Just play the song, DJ.”
“Fine. But stop smirking like that!”
Charlie cackled wickedly.
—-
The next day, February 28th, Neil walked to a spa located a mile away from the apartment.
Heather had texted him an endearing picture of Todd awake, but looking incredibly sleepy with his half-lidded eyes. She had informed him that the nurses found a solid dose for his seizure medication and that Dr. Kelly had done a neurological evaluation that showed that Todd had no lasting effects from the seizures. He did, however, still have some amnesia as he could not recall the hit-and-run or the days leading up to it. The blonde had to stay on supplemental oxygen for at least another day or two.
Neil was just relieved that the blonde was awake.
He had an overwhelming urge to race over to the hospital, but he forced himself to comply with his personal, as well as Charlie and Heather’s, demands that he take time for himself.
So, he’d booked an appointment with a spa yesterday, and Pitts’ coupon had given him a free Swedish massage, a foot massage, and a facial. Neil had to admit that once he exited the facility he’d felt several pounds lighter and eons more relaxed than he’d felt in weeks— probably since before he’d witnessed the incident earlier in the month. He ended up sending Pitts a text thanking him again for the gift. He also revelled in the way he smelled of calming lotion and lavender scents. A part of him felt like he’d been reborn after the masseuse kneaded all the kinks and knots out of his body.
As he hiked back to the apartment he called Chris.
She picked up after two rings.
“Hey, Neil, what’s up?” Her perky voice sounded through the phone.
“Not much,” he replied. “I wanted to see how you’re doing.”
“That’s sweet of you!” He could basically picture the smile on her face. “I’m okay. I wasn’t happy to hear the updates from Heather about his seizures, but at least he’s stable and back to being on the mend. I was excited to see the picture of him awake.”
“Me too,” he smiled a bit. “Are you going to the hospital this weekend?”
“Yeah! I’ll see you there?”
“Uh, no, actually,” he felt a twinge of guilt. “I’m taking a little break from the hospital this weekend to focus on myself.”
“Oh,” even though he couldn’t visibly see Chris, he knew the blonde girl was nodding. “That makes sense. You’ve been at the hospital a lot lately. Everyone needs a break once in a while. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself.”
“Thanks, Chris. I even got a massage today. I hadn’t had one in years. I forgot how rejuvenating they are.”
“Oh my gosh, I bet it was divine. I love massages,” Chris gasped. “You know, sometime last year, I took Todd to experience his first facial and foot massage and he hated it.”
Neil grinned, “how come?”
“He’s not a fan of people touching him in general, but he absolutely can’t stand people touching his feet. I told him over and over that it would feel nice and he needed to relax, but he almost kicked the poor masseuse in the face.”
He barked out a surprised laugh. “That’s hilarious.”
“The masseuse and I thought so, too, but Todd was so embarrassed. He swore he was never going to a spa ever again.”
“You think he’ll kick the nurse when they try to take the cast off his leg?”
“I’m betting good money he will if they go anywhere near his feet.”
“Should we record it when it happens?”
“Oh, I was already planning on it.”
He and Chris giggled and joked over the phone, updating each other on their lives and swapping humorous stories until Chris’ lunch break was over. After that, Neil made himself a sandwich and binged watched one his favorite shows on Netflix until Knox and Charlie came back. The trio played board games, reminisced about their years at Welton, drank several bottles of cheap beer, and watched through the first two Lord of the Rings movies before calling it a night.
On Saturday, he, Charlie, and Knox had lunch with Pitts, Meeks, and Cameron at a cozy restaurant in Queensboro. Neil quoted the wise words of Henry David Thoreau from memory as they all settled around the table. The group of six hopped from topic to topic. Neil discovered that Meeks was doing research at the NASA Goddard Institute for Space Studies, Pitts had an engineering internship set up for the summer in Rochester, and Cameron was accepted into Columbia's graduate program for the fall.
He already knew about Knox’s recent promotion and Charlie’s upcoming jazz band gigs, but that didn’t take away the pleasure of observing his friends’ yawping and whooping of elation at their successes.
However, he wasn’t expecting Meeks to turn to him and ask him about Todd— whom he hadn’t brought up once. He tried not to talk much about his hospital excursions with his friends, because he didn’t think they’d be all that interested.
“I heard Todd, the guy you’ve been visiting, had a few seizures but is doing alright now, is that correct?”
Neil blinked in surprise, “how’d you know about that?”
“Mount Sinai’s isn’t far from Columbia, I have a friend who’s in the nursing program and interns there. He’s apparently a popular patient amongst the doctors and nurses, because he’s like some medical miracle.”
“He is?”
Pitts nodded, “yeah, apparently all the odds pointed to him not surviving or surviving but living life essentially as a vegetable, but he’s set to make a full recovery.”
Neil hadn’t realized Todd’s case was such a phenomenon. A part of him was strangely delighted in knowing the man he’s helped care for was a celebrity in the hospital, while another, oddly protective, part of him didn’t want people prying into the blonde’s business.
“I’m surprised you’re not at the hospital right now,” Cameron spoke up.
“Well, I would be but Knox and Charlie have me on house arrest,” he joked. Knox and Charlie both immaturely stuck their tongues out at him.
“How come?” Pitts mused.
“I was spending too much time in the hospital and not enough time on myself.”
“Well, they weren’t wrong,” Meeks commented.
“Hey!”
“Thank you, Meeks. I knew we kept you around for a reason,” Charlie smirked.
“Um… thanks?”
“I wasn’t spending that much time at the hospital.”
“From what I gathered, you definitely were,” Cameron muttered.
“Look, I care about the guy, alright? Is that illegal? Is that such an atrocious thing for me to do?”
“I’m not saying it is so long as you don’t ignore your own needs in the process,” Meeks expressed. “Besides, he’s cute. So I can see why you wouldn’t leave his bedside.”
“Thank you, Mee- cute?” He spluttered. “Do you even know what he looks like?”
“We googled him and found his Instagram,” Pitts said nonchalantly.
“You what?” Neil gasped.
“Damn, we should’ve thought of that,” he heard Charlie whisper to Knox. He whipped his head around to glare at them.
“No, no stalking the poor man!”
“We were curious, so what?” Cameron shrugged. “He is cute, though.”
“Yes, he’s cute, but that’s not the point. You shouldn’t be searching him up on the internet.”
“His Instagram is public. So is it really snooping?” Meeks snickered, adjusting his glasses.
Charlie pulled out his phone, “what’s his username handle?”
“It’s-”
“No!” Neil protested, cutting Meeks off. “No, stop that! Can’t we go back to talking about other things? Like the weather! I hear there’s another snow storm hitting New York tomorrow.”
“Shh, Neil, I’m investigating.” Charlie shushed.
“Investigating what?”
“How cute this guy is.”
“I’ve already shown you a picture of him before!”
“That was forever ago and he was covered in tubes and wires. I need a refresher.”
”Please, for the love of god-”
“I found his account!” Knox chirped, raising his phone victoriously.
“Knox! I expected better from you.”
“What? I’m also curious.”
Neil wanted to bang his head against the table as his friends crowded around Knox’s phone.
“Damn, Meeks, you didn’t tell us he has over ten-thousand followers.” Charlie whistled.
“And he’s an author, that’s so cool,” Knox gushed.
“Wait, look at this picture of him and his cat,” Charlie cooed.
His interest piqued, as he allowed himself to glance at the picture on Knox’s phone of Todd, without the bruises or bandages or wires or tubing, half-smiling into the camera with his cat, Delilah, head-butting his chin. Neil’s eyes were fixated on the crooked smile on the blonde’s face, unable to tear his gaze away from the charming quirk of the man’s lips in the photograph.
He was snapped out of his trance when Knox scooted his phone back toward him.
“Whoa, Neil, no need to drool all over my phone,” his friend teased.
The rest of the table erupted into laughter.
“I wasn’t drooling!” He defended, aghast. “I was just looking.”
“And fantasizing,” Pitts whispered to Meeks. Neil threw his straw wrapper at the lanky man in outrage.
“Oh, look, he plays the cello, too,” Knox announced, sliding his phone to the middle of the table to display a video clip of Todd playing a gorgeous rendition of the Muppets’ Rainbow Connection.
He wanted to tell his friends, smugly, that he already knew Todd played the cello, but he had a feeling that would result in more teasing so he bit his tongue.
“Shit, he’s really good,” Charlie mumbled, Neil internally agreed.
Knox scrolled through his phone once more, “wait, wait, he also plays guitar.”
He perked up. He didn’t know that.
“He does?”
“Don’t sound so eager, lover boy,” Charlie snickered.
“Pardon?”
“Nevermind, nevermind. Play the video, Knoxious.”
The six watched the video clip of Todd strumming an acoustic guitar and softly singing the lyrics to Hozier’s Cherry Wine— which Neil vaguely recognized— with the occasional meowing in the background of his cat. The blonde’s voice was melodic and unassuming, and wholly beautiful to Neil. He could get lost, swept away never to be seen again, by Todd’s voice if the blonde ever sang to him. He wistfully wondered what it would be like to have the author serenade him— with his eyes, his lovely blue eyes, solely focused on him. Just the two of them and no one else.
Neil shook his head, as if to shake away his thoughts and feelings, not noticing the watchful eyes of his best friend.
“He’s talented,” Meeks said. “You should have him join your jazz band, Char.”
Charlie grinned, taking a swig of his iced tea. “We could always use a bass player. I bet he’d learn quick.”
“So what’s your consensus?” Pitts asked Charlie.
“He’s even cuter than I remember,” his best friend swiveled to stare him directly in the eyes. “And he’s exactly your type.”
Neil choked on his Pepsi. “W-what? No he’s not.”
“Attractive blonde, talented writer, musically inclined,” Charlie listed using his fingers. “That screams ‘perfect for you’.”
Neil rolled his eyes. “You’re insane, Charlie.”
“I think he has a point,” Pitts agreed. “Plus, you’re already chummy with his brother.”
“Besides, you clearly fancy him,” Cameron added.
“‘Fancy him’? What are you? Eighty?” Charlie snickered.
“Fuck off, Charles.”
“Make me, Richard.”
“You know what-”
“Enough, children,” Meeks scolded, causing the two to grumble. “Cam is right, though, you obviously really like this guy.”
“It’s not like that,” he argued.
“But you said you care about him,” Pitts recalled.
“Yeah, but that’s all. I care about him. Period. End of discussion. Nothing more.”
“Uh huh, sure,” Charlie sounded unconvinced.
“Can we please move on to something else?” Neil asked irritably. He didn’t need or want any kind of interrogation about his non-existent love life at the moment.
And there was no chance in hell he would ever date the man he witnessed get pancaked by a truck.
His friends were delusional.
“Fine,” Charlie sighed, then smiled impishly at Cameron. “So, about this girlfriend of yours, is she blind, visually impaired, desperate or just has poor taste in men?”
“I’m going to fucking kill you, Charlie.”
While Neil felt as though his life was constantly altering and changing, the banter between his friends was the same now, at twenty-two, as it had been when they were scrawny, clueless little fourteen-year-olds. The table’s raucous laughter echoed through the restaurant, loud and carefree, and Neil joined in as the spotlight landed on Cameron.
But for the rest of the day, even after they’d left the restaurant and parted ways, Neil couldn’t distract himself from thoughts of crooked smiles and a soft, slightly-raspy singing voice.
His heart ached, longing to see the blonde like how he was shown on his social media— healthy and doing the things that brought him joy— instead of trapped on a hospital bed in the ICU.
He knew the twenty-year-old wouldn’t be back to normal until much farther in the future and, even then, some pieces of the man won’t ever be the same as before— bearing never-fading scars that served as a reminder of his trauma and a lifelong diagnosis of epilepsy with daily doses of medication. But all Neil wished for was the chance to see the progress months from now.
He didn’t know if Todd would want him to stick around for that long.
But god, he hoped so.
He really, really hoped so.
—-
On Sunday evening, Neil walked through the hospital corridors— his feet robotically guiding him to a specific room.
He could probably walk from the entrance of the hospital to the blonde’s room with his eyes closed if he’d wanted to. That’s how well he knew these halls.
While he still despised the smell of antiseptic, there was something comforting about being back inside the much-less-intimating walls of Mount Sinai’s after his short time away— like reuniting with an old colleague or laying underneath a weighted blanket on a chilly day.
He had intended to keep away until Monday, but then Heather had called him an hour ago. They had chatted about nonsensical things, Neil had talked about his friends and Heather had told him how Jeff and work was. But then she’d said four words. Four measly words that may have meant nothing, but to Neil meant something and spurred him into action . Those four words had him abruptly packing a duffel bag with a week's worth of overnight supplies, snatching up his house keys, and boarding the closest subway station.
“Todd asked for you.”
Heather had followed up by saying that she and Jeff had informed their brother that Neil was at his apartment and that Todd had swiftly fallen back asleep afterwards. But Neil didn’t care.
“Todd asked for you.”
He couldn’t have stayed on the couch, scouring his streaming services for a movie, knowing that the blonde man had wanted to see him— had asked specifically for him.
“Todd asked for you.”
He approached the door, knocked politely, and quietly entered the room where Jeff sat holding his brother’s hand while Heather lounged in the corner on her laptop. Nurse Shayna was scribbling on a notepad with all the medical equipment. They pair smiled upon seeing him, keeping their greetings hushed so as to not disturb and wake Todd. Heather hugged him, followed by Jeff and something taut inside of Neil loosened as he was blanketed with the familiarity of the married couple and the beeping of the vitals monitors. He waved at Shayna, who waved back.
He peered at the sleeping blonde— his oxygen mask was gone and the bandages on his face and arm had vanished, revealing stark reddish-pink scars and dissolved stitches on his fair skin. He couldn’t see beneath the abundance of blankets or the hard casts, but he finally looked like he was healing and not just surviving.
He’s here. He’s alive. He’s going to be okay.
“Are either of you hungry?” Neil asked, ripping his gaze from the blonde.
Jeff gently released Todd’s hand and stretched as he stood up, “I could eat.”
Heather closed her laptop, “me too.”
“To the cafeteria?”
“To the cafeteria.”
The trio ate dinner in the bustling hospital cafeteria. The main dish was spaghetti and meatballs, which Neil preferred over the suspicious, mystery meatloaf or soggy fried chicken they had been served another time. Neil half-listened as Heather and Jeff vented about their jobs and families— distractedly poking at a meatball as he thought about his own family and all the unopened messages on his phone and missed calls from his mother.
“Our father wants to visit the hospital,” Jeff muttered sourly, catching Neil’s attention.
“Wants to or has to?” Heather rolled her eyes.
“Your father?” He blurted.
Jeff rarely spoke about his Mr. Anderson, all he knew about the man was that he was an asshole— according to Heather.
“Yeah,” the older man stabbed at his green beans rather aggressively. “He’s pissed that I didn’t reach out and inform him that Todd was in the hospital.”
“He didn’t know?”
“Oh, he knew,” Jeff scoffed. “The police knocked on his door, too, the night it happened. But he wanted me to personally reach out to him.”
“What? Why? And he only just now wants to visit? After a whole month?” Neil was gobsmacked.
Heather let out a low, dry chuckle as Jeff sighed and ground his teeth together.
“I’m on very little speaking terms with him. I would prefer no contact, but Todd still likes to know how he’s doing.”
“But he and Todd are no contact?” Neil inquired, intrigued.
“Yes, our father disowned him the second he turned eighteen,” the anger in Jeff’s tone was palpable.
“He disowned him? Why?” He gaped, appalled.
“Because Todd’s gay and an author and nothing like me,” the older man huffed, tossing his fork down in frustration. “Because his hair isn’t brown, his eyes aren’t brown, he has our grandmother’s freckles, he prefers books over sports.”
Ah, so he’s homophobic. And an idiot.
“Our father never wanted another kid,” Jeff ranted. “But our mother always wanted to have two kids and she could be very convincing. It took over ten years, but her pregnancy announcement was a huge shock to all of us. Mom had said she’d be happy with a girl or a boy, but I had decided that if I was going to have a little sibling, then I’d want the baby to be a brother and our dad had wanted a boy in hopes he would be my carbon copy. You can probably imagine our father’s shock and dismay when Todd turned out to be his own person.”
“That doesn’t seem fair to Todd.”
“Trust me, it wasn’t. He treated my brother like he was gum found sticking to the bottom of his shoe. I loathe him for how much he hurt Todd growing up, but for some reason my brother still cares about him.”
“Todd has a much too forgiving heart,” Heather whispered to Neil, then turned to her husband. “Do you remember that godforsaken nickname your father would call him?”
“Sure as hell do,” Jeff snorted. “Neil, do you know how much all the chemicals in the human body are worth if you bottled them up to be sold?”
Neil furrowed his brows and shook his head.
“$5.98,” Jeff replied, bitterly. “Our father called Todd five-ninety-eight all his life, because he believes that is all Todd will ever be worth.”
His stomach clenched painfully at the admission.
His own father had said many horrid things to him, but his father never called him any cruel nicknames— unless “Thomas Jr.” counted. He couldn’t begin to fathom the idea that Mr. Anderson didn’t see how valuable Todd was— how priceless his youngest son was.
“So Heather was right,” Neil crossed his arms. “Your father is an asshole.”
That startled out laughs from both Jeff and Heather.
“Yeah, he is.”
“But he wants to visit?”
Jeff rolled his eyes. “He doesn’t want to visit. He has no desire to come and see how Todd is doing. He only wants to see me, but will play it off as a concerned father coming to see both of his children.”
“That’s fucked up.”
“I know. I told him not to bother.”
Neil swallowed. “Do- do you think your brother will be upset? About your father not visiting?”
“If Todd asks, I’m just going to tell him that he’s not coming because he doesn’t want to see either of us.”
“You’re going to lie to him?”
“Todd doesn’t need the added stress of knowing our father doesn’t give two shits that his son almost fucking died, Neil.”
He winced.
Jeff rubbed his hands tiredly over his face.
Heather, thankfully, chimed in and changed the topic.
When they returned to the hospital room, all of them were pleasantly surprised to find Todd wide awake and gazing out the window at the flurries of snowflakes steadily falling from the sky.
“Hey,” Jeff said warmly, causing the blonde to jerk his head over to look at them. “How long have you been awake?”
“Only a couple minutes,” Todd answered quietly.
Neil felt like his legs were about to give out at the sound of the blonde man’s voice.
God, he’d missed his voice.
Pull yourself together, Perry!
“You’re watching the snow outside?” Heather smiled.
Todd nodded, “I- I like when it snows.”
She chuckled. “I know you do. You’re the minority who prefers winter over summer.”
The blonde scrunched his nose up in a way that made Neil weak in the knees.
“People who prefer summer are weird, not the other way around.”
“Are you calling me and my wife weird?”
“Kind of.” Todd’s lips twitched upward.
Neil wondered if this was more of the blonde’s true personality— playful and witty. He hadn’t experienced this side of the younger man. All of his past conversations with him had been fever-induced or filled with pain and confusion. This was a far cry from last week. Neil’s heart swelled at the sight of the man being calm and at ease— although he never minded when the man was endearingly sleepy.
He jolted when bright blue eyes drifted over to him.
“Neil?” Todd tilted his head slightly.
Oh shit. Neil’s brain screamed. Holy mother of Christ he remembers my name. He just said my name. Wow, I really like the way he says my name.
Neil forced his internal frenzy to pause as he smiled gently at the blonde, “hi, Todd.”
“Are you- are you feeling better?” The blonde questioned, mellow.
He wanted to laugh, or perhaps cry, from the absurdity of Todd asking him if he was feeling better.
His confusion must’ve been evident on his face, because Jeff spoke up.
“We told Todd you were spending the weekend at your apartment because you were feeling a little under the weather.”
“Oh.” Well, that wasn’t exactly a lie. “Yes, I’m feeling much better, Todd, thank you. How are you?”
Neil hated how formal and awkward that sounded. He silently berated himself.
Get it together, Perry!
“I’m okay.”
The response was punctuated by the nastiest coughs Neil had ever heard in his life. He was reminded that Todd still has a low grade fever and remnants of an infection in his lungs.
“I’m not sure if your definition of ‘okay’ is the same as mine,” Neil teased, lightly.
Todd’s pink-flushed cheeks darkened and for a moment he worried the blonde’s fever was rising.
Until he realized that Todd was blushing as the younger man bashfully looked away, causing Heather and Jeff to chuckle.
Neil would give anything to make the boy blush again.
Before he could think of more to say, nurse Damien appeared, swapping out Shayna, and grinned at the patient as he scanned over the blonde’s monitors and checked his NG tube.
“Hey, how’s the pain level right now? From a scale of one to ten?”
Todd rubbed at his eyes, “um, like a two?”
Damien raised a disbelieving brow, “actually?”
The blonde fidgeted with the quilt laid across his stomach, eyes darting over to Jeff.
The older brother rolled his eyes good-naturedly, “is your pain really a two?”
“Um.”
“Be honest.”
“Maybe, more like a- a four?” Todd admitted sheepishly.
Damien grinned in amusement, “are the more recent incision sites hurting you?”
Todd nodded.
The nurse scribbled onto his clipboard, “you’ll be administered another dose of pain meds real soon, okay?”
The blonde gave a thumbs up as Damien scurried out of the room to submit the paperwork.
“Toddy,” Jeff reprimanded once the nurse was out of earshot. “You have to be honest with your nurses about how much pain you’re in.”
Todd frowned, “but it's not that bad.”
“Just because you have a high pain tolerance doesn’t mean you should give a lower rating.”
“I’m sorry-”
“Don’t apologize. Is there anything you’d like?”
Todd shook his head before coughing into the crook of his elbow. Neil wished his lung infection would kindly fuck off.
“Does your throat hurt? We could ask Damien if you could have some water?” Heather suggested.
The blonde nodded.
When asked, Damien allowed Todd to have a cup of ice chips, but sternly instructed the blonde to go slowly, not to chew the ice, and to let the chips melt on his tongue before swallowing.
Assisting Todd into a sitting position without aggravating his ribs and stomach incisions was a whole different hurdle. Neil watched as Damien, another nurse named Ryan, and Jeff, carefully and unrushed, guided Todd upright with the assistance of adjusting the bed to slant upward, too. He had a hard time observing, wanting to tell them to stop every time Todd grimaced in pain or his lips twisted in discomfort. Jeff hovered close to his brother as the nurses propped the boy up with piles of pillows. Neil did smile excitedly, though, seeing Todd upright instead of lying down for once.
Damien set up a portable table in front of Todd and placed down a Dixie cup of ice chips and a small spoon on the sturdy, plastic surface before situating himself in the corner with a thick accordion folder full of files.
As the blonde reached forward with a shaky hand, Jeff abruptly snatched up the spoon and ice chips. Neil and Heather watched, hiding their grins, as the older man scooped up some ice and held the spoon up to his brother— who looked thoroughly unamused.
“Jeff,” Todd grumbled. “I- I know how to use a spoon.”
“Your hand was shaking.”
“Give me the spoon.”
“Okay,” Jeff inched the utensil to Todd’s face.
“I- I’m not letting you feed me ice chips.”
“Come on.”
“No.”
“Please?”
“Heather,” Todd whined. Neil laughed. “Do something about your husband.”
“Jeff, stop pestering your brother.”
“Fine,” Jeff dropped the spoon into the cup and marched over to Neil. “ You try giving him these ice chips.”
Neil choked on his own spit as Todd blanched in horror.
“I- I don’t need anyone spoon feeding me!” Todd squawked— voice louder than Neil had ever heard before.
“Yes you do!”
“No, I don’t!”
“Neil,” Jeff spun to face him, practically shoving the cup of ice into his hands.
How did I get caught in the middle of this?
“Good grief,” he heard Heather mutter under her breath.
Neil bit the inside of his cheek as he padded over to Todd, his heart squeezing as big blue eyes stared up at him.
“Hey,” he said awkwardly.
“Hi,” Todd said meekly.
“Uh-”
“I- I can feed myself, really.”
Neil nodded, setting down the cup and spoon on the table and stepping back.
He, Heather, and Jeff silently observed as Todd fumbled while using the spoon with his trembling hand and struggled to coordinate balancing the ice chips on the spoon to bring it to his lips. The blonde was succeeding in spilling ice all over the table and his lap than his mouth. Half of Neil felt bad for Todd while the other half found it quite goofy. He and Heather did chortle when the younger man groaned and set the spoon back on the table in defeat.
“What were you saying about knowing how to use a spoon?” Jeff asked his brother smugly.
“Shut up, Jeffrey.”
The trio laughed as the blonde sulked and glowered at the now mostly melted cup of ice.
“Can I spoon feed you now?”
“Mm.” Todd shifted then winced, hand moving to grab at his ribs.
Jeff’s joking smirk morphed into concern, “are you alright?”
“‘M fine,” Todd assured, eyelids drooping.
“Do you want to lay back down?”
The blonde shook his head while blinking rapidly, attempting to dismiss his exhaustion, but the tired sheen in his eyes wasn’t fading.
He also didn’t put up much of a fight when Jeff, Damien, and Ryan helped him into a comfortable lying position, and in seconds the blonde’s eyes fluttered shut as his breathing evened out— sleep overtaking him.
Damien stowed away the portable table and disposed of the spoon and cup, then politely shooed them out of the room so he could inspect and clean the bandages and incisions on Todd’s stomach.
The three gathered in the hallway and waited.
“God, he’s so stubborn,” Jeff sighed, leaning against the wall.
“Yeah, he takes after his brother,” Heather remarked slyly.
“I’m not stubborn,” the older man denied.
“You’re the king of being stubborn, babe.”
“I’m not as bad as Todd.”
“You’re a thousand times worse than Todd.”
“What? No way!”
Neil smiled as the pair bickered and the three of them, once Damien granted them access back inside the hospital room, had a riveting conversation about Greek Mythology as they played several rounds of varying card games while Todd slept peacefully.
He left the hospital around ten at night, and luckily the snow wasn’t nearly as intense as the snowstorm that had occurred a couple weeks ago. Neil trudged to the apartment, doggedly, as he savored the stunning crispness of fresh snow on the ground.
He could see why Todd loved snow.
When he arrived at the hospital Monday morning, around six-thirty, snow was still lightly falling and Todd was snoozing away while Jeff and Heather were both dressed appropriately for work.
“I’ll be back around noon for lunch,” Heather said.
“I’ll be clocking out around five-thirty. I can bring back takeout?” Jeff offered.
The pair left him alone with Todd as they exited the hospital to drive to their separate jobs.
Neil sat near the foot of the bed, scrolling aimlessly through his phone while quietly playing music, and occasionally peeking over at Todd and admiring the man’s long, thick lashes and gentle, soothing deep breaths.
He’s here. He’s alive.
Todd woke up around nine, Neil was alerted by the man’s breath hitching as he roused himself. Blue eyes quickly landed on him, and Neil smiled cheerfully.
“Good morning,” he chirped.
“G’morning.” Todd greeted, voice husky from sleep. Neil inadvertently shivered.
His morning voice is not sexy. His morning voice is not sexy. His morning voice is not sexy.
“Sleep well?” He asked casually, willing his lurching heart to chill out.
“Mhm.”
“That’s good.”
God, this is awkward.
Before his thoughts could spiral, Todd speaking disrupted him.
“Neil?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry that I- that I don’t remember meeting you before now.”
Ah. Heather, Jeff, and Chris still haven’t told him the full truth.
“Don’t worry, Todd. No hard feelings.”
“But I- I feel like I would’ve remembered my brother introducing us. He- he doesn’t usually befriend people closer to my age.”
“Yeah,” Neil laughed nervously. “Our friendship was formed from a, um, strange circumstance.”
This isn’t a lie. I’m not lying.
“Oh.”
“How’d you know I was closer to your age and not just a baby-faced thirty year old?”
“Chris mentioned that you’re- that you’re a year older than her.”
“Oh, I see. Huh, I thought Chris was your age.”
Todd shook his head, yawning, “she- she likes to make fun of me for not being old enough to drink, yet.”
“Well, yeah, you’re basically a fetus.” He jibed.
“Hey, not you too,” Todd pouted and Neil was almost certain he was going to melt into a puddle right in the middle of the hospital room.
“Sorry,” he said to placate him.
“You’re listening to Noah Kahan?” The blonde diverted.
Neil blinked. He forgot he was playing music. Stick Season was faintly echoing through the room.
He hit pause on his phone, “yeah, sorry, I forgot I was playing it.”
“It’s okay. I- I really like Noah Kahan.”
“I know.” Shit. Why’d he say that? “I mean, uh, your family told me about some of your favorite music artists, so I had compiled a playlist for you while you were, uh, you were in your coma and for whenever you didn’t feel like talking. You have great taste, by the way— I listen to the playlist a lot.”
Todd owlishly blinked at him.
Was that the wrong thing to say?
“You- you made a playlist for me ?”
“Uh, yes?”
Should he have not done that?
“Oh.” Todd’s cheeks reddened.
He’s blushing, again. Did I fluster him?
He noticed the blonde anxiously fiddling with the quilt, and decided to regale a funny childhood retelling of when he and Charlie snuck two goats into the teacher’s lounge at Welton in seventh grade.
Neil grinned triumphantly as Todd smiled softly at the story.
Halfway through another story about the time Pitts lost a bet and dyed his hair neon green, Todd dozed off. Neil chuckled fondly, and went back to scrolling on his phone. When Heather arrived, the pair went and ate lunch at the cafeteria then played a competitive match of chess as the younger boy slept until three in the afternoon. He woke up just in time for the nurses to declare it was time to bathe Todd and change the sheets of the bed. Neil didn’t miss the disgruntled expression on the blonde’s face as he and Heather were ushered out.
When they were let back in, Todd was asleep again, so he and Heather spent far too long debating which dinosaur during the Jurassic era they would revive if given the opportunity. Jeff returned with pad Thai that they devoured in the cafeteria, then lounged in Todd’s hospital room entertained by an intense game of poker.
Around seven at night, the blonde’s heart rate monitor began beeping loudly, displaying the younger man’s rapidly increasing pulse. Todd’s usually serene expression while he slept was scrunched up in distress.
“What’s happening?” Jeff fretted.
The nurse, Ryan, informed them that Todd was simply having an unpleasant dream. After a few minutes, the blonde’s features smoothed out as whatever had subconsciously upset him disappeared. The three of them relaxed. Neil supposed all of them were still paranoid about the blonde having another seizure or his temperature spiking.
Heather and Jeff left the hospital to go sleep in their own bed around nine.
At ten, while Neil was sprawled out on the creaky hospital-issued cot, Todd woke himself up coughing.
Neil was up and off the cot and next to the blonde in a heartbeat.
“Are you okay? Do you want some ice chips?”
Todd nodded, wincing as he rubbed at his chest.
Nurse Shayna, who had replaced Damien, immediately retrieved and brought back a cup of ice and a spoon. She wrangled the plastic table to attach to the bed, and she and two other nurses aided Todd to sit up. Neil uselessly watched from the cot, after a nurse politely moved him out of the way, unsure how to be of any help. He watched as Todd struggled again with the spoon, frowning with concentration as he failed to get his trembling fingers to cooperate.
Neil ended up climbing off the cot and approached Todd.
“Here,” he reached for the spoon and cup, but froze when the blonde tightened his grip on the spoon.
“I- I can do it.”
“Todd, please let me help.”
“I can do it.”
“Todd.”
“I- I’m not weak, Neil.”
“I know you’re not. But you got hit by a truck and almost died multiple times,” he stated bluntly and Todd stared at him. “It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for a little bit of help.”
Todd faltered.
The two stared at each other.
“Why- why are you helping me?”
“What?”
“Y-you’re Jeff’s friend,” Todd asserted. “I’m- I’m not Jeff. You- you don’t have to spend all day and all night here, regardless if Heather or my brother are here, but you do. Why?”
“I care about you.”
“Why? I- I don’t- I barely remember you.”
He had no clue what to say.
“Because I do.”
The blonde’s brows furrowed. “I- I don’t understand.”
“I care about you, Todd.” He repeated, adamantly. “Just because I was Jeff’s friend first doesn’t mean I care any less about you.”
“You- we’re friends?”
Neil shrugged, coyly. “I like to think we are.”
Todd was silent for a moment.
The blonde scratched at the tape on his cheek. “You’re quite strange, Neil.”
He laughed in surprise. “Oh?”
Todd smiled slightly, “it’s- it’s a good thing.”
“Well, then, thank you.”
“Can…” Todd sighed, gesturing to the cup and spoon. “Can you help me with these ice chips?”
Neil beamed. “Of course.”
It was tense and awkward, initially, as Neil adjusted the chair beside Todd’s bed so that he was at an easier angle to reach the blonde. He grabbed the cup and spoon, scooped up some ice, and leaned forward— bringing the spoon up to Todd’s face. The blonde’s lips were pressed tightly against one another, and Neil could view the anxious gleam in Todd’s eyes as the man battled with himself about the prospect of allowing someone to spoon feed him, especially someone that wasn’t his brother or Heather. It was a learning curve for both of them, as Neil had never spoon fed anyone before— even though he’d threaten to do it to Charlie numerous times when his best friend had been sick with the flu.
When Todd finally opened his mouth Neil completely missed, causing the blonde to squeak in shock and him to snort out a laugh.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” He apologized through his mirth as the blonde glared at him. “Let me try again.”
“I’m regretting this.”
“No, no, it’s fine. I’ve got this.”
The next attempt was far smoother, and soon the duo fell into a rhythm of Neil waiting until Todd swallowed to gather another spoonful of ice and then the blonde opening his mouth for Neil to bring the spoon up to his lips. He couldn’t help but admire how pink Todd’s face was with embarrassment, and his heart fluttered violently whenever their eyes locked in tandem with the spoon feeding.
There was something surreal about the intimacy of the motions.
Neil set the spoon and almost-empty cup aside when Todd stopped opening his mouth, the blonde sluggishly blinking at him.
“Shayna, can you help me lay him back down?”
Delicately as can be, he, Shayna, and another nurse guided Todd onto his back, and arranged the pillows and blankets so that the blonde could settle in comfortably for the night. And as Neil began to move away so he could lay down on his cot, cold fingers wrapped around his wrist. He jolted, looking over at Todd.
“Thank you,” the blonde whispered, drowsily, pulling his hand away.
“Always,” he whispered back, but the younger man had fallen asleep.
The spot where Todd’s fingers had gripped his wrist tingled.
He plugged his phone in to charge and curled up on the cot— falling into an easy sleep while listening to his roommate’s breathing and the humming of machines.
He was woken up in the middle of the night by Todd’s heart monitor beeping, indicating an increased rate. Panicked and bleary, he sat up straight on the cot. Shayna gently assured him that Todd was just having another bothersome dream and that there was nothing to worry about— advising him to go back to sleep. However, when Todd let out a soft whimper, Neil was up and over by the boy before he could think. He automatically used one hand to run his fingers through the blonde’s hair, while the other one lightly rubbed at the crease between his eyebrows as if to wipe the distress on his face away.
“You’re okay, Todd.” He murmured. “I’ve got you.”
Within no time, the blonde’s breathing was back to normal as the boy’s face relaxed and whatever internal demons that were haunting him had come and gone— like an autumn breeze.
Neil sighed in relief, but continued to run his fingers along the feathery strands of Todd’s golden hair.
He was snapped out of reverie by Shayna.
“You’re good with him.”
“Uh-”
“He’s lucky to have you as his boyfriend.” She complimented.
Yeah.
Wait.
What?
He yanked himself away from Todd and the hospital bed as if they’d burned him.
“Wait, he’s not- we’re not-”
But Shayna had already darted out of the room, paperwork tucked under her arm.
Neil stood there, unmoving, as his heart thundered in his chest.
Eventually, he crawled back onto the cot and closed his eyes— forcing his racing pulse to slow. But sleep did not come as easily this time around.
“He’s lucky to have you as his boyfriend.”
His boyfriend.
Boyfriend.
He shouldn’t be so affected by that false perception.
But he was. And he hated the fact that it wasn’t true.
Oh, god.
“I’m so screwed,” Neil muttered to himself. “I’m so fucking screwed.”