they sit on a log by the fire, side by side, and sirius plays with a leaf just really so he can do something with his hands. he side-eyes lily, who just stares at the crackling flames, almost sleepily. dreamily.
(in some other timeline, they all sit around a similar fire — if not bigger, more alive — and lily's head is on james's lap, and their last bottle of firewhisky is passed from sirius to remus, who frowns — )
"lil."
"hm."
"it's time to go home."
lily's smile is slow to appear and faint at its peak. "you don't beat around the bush, do you."
"i think i've beat around the bush for too long. it's been a year. in fact the bush is gone. i've trampled all over it."
lily sighs. "it's all..." she looks around. sirius does, too. it's a grove now. there's no sign of the abandoned fair it used to be — the concrete all drowned in the surrounding forest. "overgrown."
"let's go home, lily." home as in out of here. out of this forest, this town. this country, if we can.
"i can't leave him."
sirius has succeeded not to look until now, but it's instinct. i can't leave him. he looks over the fire at a particularly verdant patch of the forest, where the overgrowth looks just as wild but deliberate. where flowers you don't see anywhere else — anywhere else in the world probably — grow. where the green is vivid even in the night, where the blues and purples edged with orange from the fire almost make it a thing of beauty.
it isn't. it's anything but. it's despicable. sirius wants to burn it.
"he's not here anymore," he says. then he looks, and looks, and looks, and makes out the familiar plaid shirt on the forest floor; looks as much as he's avoided it since he got here, hoping it would just disappear. hoping the past year would just disappear. "that's not him and you know it."
lily doesn't answer.
sirius asks, "have you gone down to your family at all?"
"once or twice. i go to mary for supplies sometimes."
"what does she say?"
she shrugs. "same as you."
it wasn't your fault.
i could've saved him.
no one could have.
what use is having healing powers if you can't —
you can't heal someone who's dead.
you don't know that. we didn't know that. he could've —
he was gone.
i could've saved him. the forest's supposed to -
no one could've saved him, evans...
"how long do you think you're going to stay in godric's hollow?" here? in this forest? with a shell of a past that's done nothing but drag you down and ruin you?
"i don't know."
"he wouldn't have wanted you to leave, you know."
"well, i never really had a good track record of doing what you idiots wanted me to."
"he would've wanted you to be happy."
"i'm — i'm good. i'm okay."
sirius looks at her blankly. lily looks away. she asks, "how are the others?"
"crushed. moony's not talking to any of us. marls is crushed about that, too. word is that he's considering flying abroad to teach somewhere else for a while." he pauses. "i'm crushed about that, too," he repeats, voice quieting.
"remus is leaving?"
"considering it."
lily mulls over that. she bites her lower lip. "why's he not talking to you?"
"i'm not sure. he's... it's hard for him. it's been hard for him, especially with his... you know. and i understand, in a way. full moon nights remind him of prongs." the name comes up out loud for the first time without him thinking, and they both look at each other in surprise, like they both touched the wrong end of a blade at the same time. sirius takes a deep breath and continues, "and the whole country reminds him of us. he doesn't like any of that, i guess."
"'us'," she echoes.
"yeah. you included."
"i'm sorry."
"he'll come around." sirius stands. "i'm going then."
lily's eyes widen. "you are?"
"well, i can see there's no convincing you."
lily still seems startled. "i — yeah. yeah, no. i'm staying."
"okay."
"okay."
"take care, evans."
lily swallows. "you too."
☽
halfway to the car, sirius hears the sea before he smells it.
he remembers hearing it then too, waves crashing on rocky shores, even though no one could have possibly heard it that far into the forest, and there aren't even rocky shores near the area.
he remembers their broken circle around lily, who was crouched over james, who was no longer there. sirius knew it. they all knew it. but they didn't have the heart to pull lily away from him for a while, so they just watched in horror as she drained herself empty trying to fix something that's already permanently broken.
the forest's supposed to amplify their powers. james could've burned the whole fucking world in there. remus could've summoned the damn ocean — oh. maybe that was it. maybe that explained the angry waves.
but lily couldn't have brought anyone back to life. not even james, with his promises and his great love and all that bullshit. not even in that forest.
they watched as lily's magic landed on the dead leaves instead, skirting around james's still chest, turning everything around them green and new. it smelled like rain and leaves and smoke and firewhisky.
it just smells like leaves now. somehow, around lily, everything's still turning green and new.
it wasn't fair.
"'s not fair," she wailed then, and it plays in sirius's head now, clear as day. "not fair," she cried, just half a wave of magic close to collapsing, and sirius and remus finally stepped forward before she hit the ground.
damn right it isn't fair.
sirius slams the car door close, opens the window, and looks back at the forest. on the other side of the road, the sea shimmers in the crescent-moon night. no waves, no rocks. james would've loved it. he, sirius, and remus would've stayed up all night just passing a bottle between them in silence.
☽
he doesn't leave.
☽
he dreams of the abandoned fair in hazy fragments, more feeling than vision: the splash of a rain puddle at his ankles. the click of a film camera. remus's reserved smile almost invisible in the midday sunlight. echoes of lily's laughter.
broken mirrors at his feet, james's dead eyes multiplied a hundredfold and staring back up at him from the shards on the floor.
☽
he stirs awake to lily getting in the car, which he didn't lock. she doesn't slam the door close, doesn't say anything. just looks out at the sea. when she turns to sirius, even in the dark — must be 4 now? half past? — it's not hard to make out her red-rimmed eyes.
"i — i know it's selfish, but i don't think i can stop by my family. or mary. i just need to go without — i just need to go now. right now."
sirius reaches out in the back for something, puts it on lily's lap. "mary knows. she understands."
lily's hands hover over the bulging backpack. "you — ?"
"stopped by, yeah. the rest of it's in the back... she'll be here. when you're ready. she wanted you to know that."
lily hugs the bag, buries her face in it.
"we're all here, evans." sirius pats her head.
you don't need the forest to heal. you're enough. always been.
☽
when lily resurfaces, the moon has set, and wave and dew and tear all glitter in fresh, new light. "let's go home."
sirius smiles, revs the engine, and takes them both home.