SILENCE & ATTEMPTS
Shin POV
The moment Saint walked away from me, I knew I had made a mistake. A terrible, irreversible mistake. His words replayed in my mind like a haunting melody: "You'll never believe in me anyway, Shin. Not as your boyfriend. Not even as your best friend."
The weight of my actions settled in my chest, suffocating and relentless. Saint had always been patient, understanding, and unwavering in his feelings for me. And I... I had shattered it all with my insecurities and doubts.
Sitting alone under the same tree where we used to laugh and share our dreams, I buried my face in my hands. How could I have let my jealousy ruin everything? How could I have doubted Saint-my Saint, who had never once given me a reason to?
I needed to fix this. I couldn't let things end like this.
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Later That Evening
With shaky hands, I packed a small bag. Inside were bandages, ointments, and ice packs. The memory of Saint's bruised face from earlier clawed at me like a relentless reminder of my failure. He had gotten hurt protecting me, and all I had done was hurt him even more and runaway.
When I finally gathered enough courage to find him, it was already late. I instinctively headed to our usual spot-the secluded bench at the park where we always hung out after school. My heart pounded with both fear and hope as I spotted his familiar silhouette sitting there, his back to me, looking at the horizon.
"Saint," I called softly, my voice trembling.
He didn't move.
"Saint... please talk to me," I tried again, stepping closer.
He still didn't respond, his silence louder than any words could have been.
Desperation clawed at me. My throat tightened, and before I could stop myself, tears began to fall. My vision blurred as I sobbed openly, my voice breaking. "Saint... please don't ignore me. I..."
His silence was unbearable.
When he stood abruptly, as if ready to leave, panic surged through me. My lips quivered, and before I could stop myself, tears spilled down my cheeks constantly.
I saw him stiffen at the sound of my cries. He turned slowly, his face etched with frustration and a sadness that made my heart ache even more.
"Why are you crying now, Shin?" His voice was low, but it cut deep. "You don't want me. You don't believe in me. Or anything about us. So what now? Why are you here?"
I opened my mouth to respond, but he wasn't finished
"You even said it, Shin. You said I'm not your boyfriend. In front of everyone." His voice cracked on the last word, his shoulders slumping slightly as if the weight of it all had finally caught up to him.
"I didn't mean it like that," I whispered, my voice barely audible. "I just... I didn't know what to do. I was scared."
"Scared?" He scoffed bitterly. "What could you possibly be scared of, Shin? Me?"
"NO!" I shouted, my voice shaking with the force of my emotions. "I was scared of losing you, okay? Scared that someone like Peeta could... could give you something I can't. I-" My voice broke, and I couldn't hold back the sobs.
"I'm so stupid, Saint. I got jealous and insecure and let it eat me alive. I couldn't stop thinking... what if you realized she's better than me? That you'd leave me for her."
His expression softened slightly, the anger giving way to something gentler, though his pain still lingered. "Shin..."
"I was insecure," I admitted, my voice barely above a whisper. "You're everything to me, Saint. I was terrified of losing you. And I let that fear blind me."
I looked at him, my vision blurred by tears. "I know I hurt you. I know I said horrible things, but I didn't mean them. I was just so scared of not being enough for you. Because you... you're everything to me."
Saint sighed deeply, running a hand through his hair. Slowly, he stepped closer to me, his eyes searching mine. Then, with gentleness I didn't deserve, he reached out and placed a hand on my head, his touch warm and reassuring, brushing his fingers through my hair.
"Shin," he said softly, his voice steady but tinged with sadness, "I've loved you for as long as I can remember, All my life, it feels like. I've never looked at anyone else, never wanted anyone else. Not Peeta, not anyone. It's only ever been you. You're the only person I've ever had feelings for. Even in the future There will never be anyone else. It's always been you-only you."
Tears continued to stream down my face as his words settled over me, warm and soothing yet laced with heartbreak.
"I'm sorry," I whispered, my voice trembling.
He nodded, his thumb brushing away a stray tear. "It's okay. I'm not blaming you. If you're not comfortable with us being more than friends, we can slow things down. I can wait. I've waited this long. I'll always be here, even if it's just as your best friend."
Those words pierced my heart. "What are you saying, Saint?" I asked, my voice breaking again. "Don't say things like that. I don't want to just be your best friend. I-"
"Because I don't want to push you into anything," he said cutting me off, his voice quieter now. "If being best friends is all you're ready for, that's okay. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
"That's not what I want," I said, my voice breaking again. "Saint, please don't say that. I want to be with you. I do. I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it."
He sighed, his frustration returning briefly. "But do you really? Because earlier, you made it pretty clear you didn't want anyone to know. If that's how you feel, maybe it's better if we just-"
"Stop!" I interrupted, my voice rising. "Don't say it. Don't... don't push me away."
Saint fell silent, his gaze searching mine, shaking his head. " But. It's clear You don't want people to know about us, Shin. You don't want to claim me as yours or let me. And that's fine. I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
His words stung, and I couldn't hold back anymore. " Please Stop it Saint!" I yelled, my voice echoing in the quiet night. "I don't care what people think! I only care about you, Saint. I want to be with you-only you. Please..." My voice broke again, and I crumbled, unable to hold back my sobs.
Saint watched me for a moment, his face unreadable. Then, with a sigh, he reached out and gently pulled me into a hug. "You're such an idiot," he murmured, his voice softer now.
I clung to him, burying my face in his chest as the tears flowed freely. I don't like to feel vulnerable but with him I'm okay with anything.
After a while, Saint gently pulled away and gave me a small, tired smile. "You're always so dramatic," he teased lightly, though his tone lacked its usual playfulness. "Come on, let's go get some snacks."
I blinked, surprised by the sudden change in topic. "Saint, wait-"
But he was already standing, brushing off his pants.
I bit my lip, my guilt swirling in my chest as I rummaged through my bag. "Wait," I said softly, pulling out the ointment and bandages. "Let me... let me treat your wounds first."
Saint raised an eyebrow but didn't argue. Saint's eyes softened briefly seeing my pouch and he gave a small nod and I sat him down on the bench again.
I opened the pouch and worked silently, my hands unsteady as I cleaned the cuts on his knuckles. My focus remained on the task, but I could feel his gaze on me. When our eyes finally met, my heart ached at the mix of emotions in his-hurt, affection, exhaustion.
When our eyes met, and for a moment, everything else faded away. Without thinking, I leaned forward, my lips parting slightly, just inches away from his. But just as I was about to kiss him, before I could close the gap, Saint turned his head slightly, breaking the moment. "Let's go eat," he said quietly, standing up and walking away without another word.
I nodded, swallowing the lump in my throat. I couldn't blame him for pulling away-not after everything I'd done.
I stared after him, my heart sinking. The rejection stung, but I knew I deserved it. I had caused this rift between us, and now it was my turn to mend it.
As we walked, the silence between us felt heavy, filled with unspoken words and lingering tension. I wanted to fix things, to reach out and hold him, but I knew I needed to earn back his trust first. For now, I would do whatever it took to make things right.
.
Next Day
The next day at school, Saint and I walked side by side, but it didn't feel like we were together. The silence between us wasn't companionable like it usually was. It was heavy, awkward, and filled with an unspoken tension that pressed down on my chest.
Saint's expression was neutral as he focused on his locker, stuffing books inside with an almost mechanical motion. I stood beside him, clutching the strap of my bag nervously, trying to come up with something-anything-that could make him smile.
"Saint," I started, my voice shaky, "Do you want to grab lunch together later? Just two of us? I could get your favorite-spicy noodles from the cafeteria?"
Saint glanced at me briefly before shaking his head. "Let's just eat with the guys today," he said, his tone polite but distant.
The rejection stung more than I wanted to admit. "Oh. Okay," I mumbled, trying to hide the disappointment in my voice.
Today , everything felt... off. Saint and I were still together-technically-but something had shifted. It wasn't in the way we walked to class together or how he sat beside me in homeroom. No, those habits were the same. It was the lack of warmth, the absence of the easy smiles and teasing remarks that used to fill the space between us.
Saint was there, but it felt like he was a thousand miles away.
I spent the entire morning trying to think of ways to fix things. He wasn't shutting me out completely; he was still polite, still nodded when I spoke, but that was all. The walls he'd built around himself were higher than ever, and I didn't know how to climb them because it's always him who break my walls.. Not me...
.
Attempt No: 01
During break, I ran to the canteen and bought Saint's favorite snack-a box of spicy fried chicken that he could never resist. My hands trembled slightly as I carried it back to the table where he sat, scrolling absentmindedly on his phone.
"Saint," I said, placing the box in front of him with a hopeful smile. "I got this for you. I know you didn't eat much breakfast."
He looked up briefly, his expression neutral. "Thanks," he said simply, opening the box and taking a bite.
I sat there, watching him expectantly, waiting for him to tease me like he usually did. But he ate in silence, his gaze fixed on the food.
My heart sank. First mission failed successfully .
.
Attempt No: 02
During morning classes, I slipped a note onto his desk-a silly doodle of a cat holding a heart with the words "I'm sorry, I miss you, I love you" scrawled across it. I watched nervously as he opened it, hoping for even the smallest smile. But all he did was fold it neatly and tuck it into his notebook without a word.
Failed.
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Attempt No: 03
At lunchtime, I went out of my way to buy a pack of his favorite chocolate cookies from the vending machine. When I handed them to him, he took them with a quiet "thanks" but didn't eat them. Instead, he placed them in his bag and went back to talking with Chadjen, Nate and Ken.
Failed.....
By the time afternoon classes rolled around, I was starting to panic. Nothing I did seemed to make a difference. Saint wasn't angry or rude-he was just... detached. Like a part of him had shut off, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't reach him.
.
Attempt No: 04
After school, I followed him to the courtyard, where he sat under a tree flipping through his notebook. A rare sight from Saint. This was our spot-the place we always came to when we wanted to talk or just be together in silence. But today, the silence felt like a wall between us.
I sat down beside him, fiddling with the hem of my shirt. "Saint," I began cautiously, "Do you want to hang out after school? We could go to that new café that opened last week. I heard they have the best mochas, and I know how much you love coffee and snac-"
"I can't," he interrupted, not even looking up from his notebook. "I've got homework."
Homework? Since when did Saint let homework get in the way of hanging out with me?
"You can do it later," I tried, forcing a smile. "Come on, it'll be fun."
"Shin," he said, finally turning to look at me. His eyes weren't cold, but they were weary. "Not today, okay?"
I felt my chest tighten as I nodded reluctantly. "Okay."
Great... Again Failed Successfully....
.
By the time we were walking home, I was at my wit's end. I couldn't stand the distance between us anymore.
"Saint," I blurted out, stopping in the middle of the sidewalk.
He paused, turning back to look at me with a questioning expression.
"I... I know I've messed up," I began, my voice trembling. "I know I hurt you, and I hate myself for it. But I'm trying, Saint. I'm trying to make it right, but you won't even give me a chance. Please, tell me what to do. Tell me how to fix this."
His brow furrowed, and for a moment, I thought he might argue. But instead, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm not trying to punish you, or push you away, Shin. I'm just... tired. Yesterday drained me, and I need time to process everything."
"But I hate this," I admitted, my voice cracking. "I hate the way things are right now. I miss us. I miss you. I love you Saint."
Saint's expression softened slightly, but he didn't move closer. "I miss us too, I love you too" he said quietly. "But this isn't something we can fix overnight."
he said quietly. "It's not that simple."
"I'll do anything," I said, taking a step closer.
He sighed, "It's not about doing things. It's about believing. You can't keep doubting me every time someone else comes near me. That's not how relationships work."
I felt the sting of his words, but I nodded, swallowing hard. "I know. I'm trying, Saint. I'll do better."
For a moment, his expression softened, but then he stood, grabbing his bag. "I need some time, Shin. To figure things out. Just give me time..."
His words hit me like a punch to the gut. I wanted to argue, to tell him I could fix it if he just let me. But deep down, I knew he was right.
"Okay," I whispered, my voice barely audible.
Saint nodded, his gaze lingering on me for a moment before he turned and started walking again. I followed silently, my heart heavy with guilt and regret.
.
That night, I lay awake in bed, replaying every interaction we'd had today. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't shake the image of his distant expression or the hollow tone in his voice.
My mind raced with memories of us-Saint's laughter, his gentle touch, the way his eyes lit up when he looked at me, I had to fix this. I couldn't lose him.
I had hurt him deeply, and it would take more than apologies and gestures to make things right. If I truly wanted to mend what was broken, I would have to prove to him that my feelings were real-that my trust in him was real.
I stared at the faint glow of the moon filtering through my window, my mind raced with ideas. I'd tried small gestures, apologies, and heartfelt words, but none of it had been enough. If I wanted to prove to Saint that I was serious-that I trusted him and loved him with everything I had-I needed to do more. Something big. Something that would leave no doubt in his mind about how much he meant to me.
The final plan began to take shape, piece by piece, and with each detail, a flicker of hope reignited in my chest. Tomorrow, I would give it my all. No hesitation, no holding back. It was all or nothing.
With a newfound determination, I closed my eyes, clutching my melody in my arms tightly. No matter what it took, I was going to make things right with Saint. Tomorrow would be the day I proved to him-and to myself-that we are worth fighting for. And this time, I wouldn't let my insecurities get in the way.
Because if there was one thing I was sure of, it was that I couldn't imagine my life without Saint. As sleep finally claimed me, a faint smile tugged at my lips.
Tomorrow, everything would change.
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To Be Continued.....