Year 7
Perhaps it was just a fluke thing, intense feelings and all the confusion. Dean kept apologizing, and he told Seamus how it wasn’t fair of him to kiss him. He felt as if he was leading him on because he knew Seamus had feelings for him, and Dean wasn’t sure. He thought he might. Why else would he have been so obsessive and jealous? He just didn’t know for sure and he couldn’t use Seamus as some guinea pig to sort it out because what if he was wrong? That would be too mean, and it would ruin them. Dean didn’t want to give Seamus hope just in case he didn’t feel the same, which honestly he might not. He was pretty certain he was straight after all… Still the thought of how he’d been overcome by the need to kiss Seamus in that moment consumed him. Had he always felt this way about Seamus without realizing it or was it new? Dean didn’t understand his feelings at all…
Seamus said he understood and they returned to normal. However, Seamus didn’t talk about Terry anymore that summer. A few weeks passed like trial and error, and Dean was thankful Seamus didn’t even mention the incident once after they had their talk. It probably was just a fluke then.
They set up a tent in the Finnigan’s backyard and sat up late stargazing, when they finally went into the tent it was freezing cold and Dean struggled to set up a heating charm Mrs Finnigan had prepared for them, Seamus sniggered at his fumbling hands and Dean threw it at him. It got cosy quickly once they got the charm to work. He couldn’t wait until January when he’d finally be able to use magic freely and was only slightly jealous Seamus only had to wait a month.
“I’ll ask ma to teach me how to make one of these” Seamus cooed as he snuggled into a blanket. He reminded Dean a bit of his neighbour's old cat sleeping in a window. His heart swelled with that same affection he’d get as he looked at the cat’s little sleepy face. Except, not exactly the same. He felt this stronger. Cute , his mind provided. Still, it was more than just cute. Seamus was looking up into the tent’s ceiling where enchanted stars sparkled and reflected in his eyes. Ironically not as magical as the real ones they’d left outside, but still lovely. Seamus’ mouth hung slightly open, it glistened with reflection as well, for just a second. Dean climbed over him. resting an arm on either side of Seamus’ head. Seamus snapped to attention, a mix of surprise and humour on his face.
“What?” he whispered, somewhat shyly.
Dean caught himself and stopped staring, instead he poked Seamus’ rib and made him squirm.
“You’re on my sleeping bag” Dean said, thankful he actually was, and yanked it out from underneath Seamus.
They spent another week in the tent, only coming inside for dinner.
Mr Finnigan asked if they wanted to go fishing and at first they said no, but then again, they weren’t doing anything productive anyways.
The morning was early and misty as they ventured down to the lake. They threaded the water up to their high wellingtons, you could feel the cold water pushing against the plastic but it kept it out. The cold almost gave the illusion of feeling wet but Dean knew his legs were as dry as ever. A sort of cool pressure that kept him grounded.
He was given a fishing rod and brief instruction. It took a few tries but eventually Dean got the hang of it. With Dean being the city boy that he was, Mr Finnigan seemed surprised that he fared better than his own son who at least grew up spending the summers in the country.
“I’m exchanging you for Dean Seamus, hope you understand”
Seamus slipped on a rock and accidentally sat down in the water.
“There’s too much wizard in you” Dean joked and Mr Finnigan laughed. A lot less uncomfortable than he had been around the subject of magic. Perhaps it was the years of practice, or perhaps it was meeting Dean who understood his muggle quipps more than his wife and son did.
“You’ll have to take us both, we’re a package deal” Seamus said, and slipped again as he tried to get up. Mr Finnigan laughed again and as he extended a hand for Seamus to take, he looked at Dean, a knowing glimmer in his eyes. It made Dean strangely nervous.
That night in the tent Seamus’ hair was still damp from the fishing, Dean stared at it for longer than he cared to admit. It lay slicked to his neck and forehead, almost curling. Seamus was attempting to sleep but seemed unable to, probably sensing Dean hovering above him. He cracked an eye open and looked over his shoulder, when he noticed Dean wide awake he turned to face him.
They had decided to stay friends, it was Dean’s wish.
Dean leaned in and kissed him again.
This time Seamus seemed to hesitate then he slowly placed his hand on Dean and responded. Dean moaned silently, in contempt more than lust, he still felt slightly embarrassed about it. Seamus snickered against Dean’s lips and it felt like a vibration. Dean smiled and kissed Seamus harder, to shut him up. He allowed Seamus to explore this time, relishing in the little shudders Seamus exhaled from only touching Dean’s chest and his arms. Dean still wasn’t sure how to go about it, so he ghosted his fingertips over Seamus' hips and along the line of his boxers. He barely even touched him yet Seamus shuddered again and gasped, it sent shivers down Dean’s spine.
“Dean” Seamus panted, pleading and head tilted backwards. Before he promptly turned his head away to avoid detection, but his throat burned red from embarrassment “sorry, I-”
“It’s fine” Dean snickered, and lifted the hem of Seamus’ boxers just slightly. Pulse quickening with anticipation, he kind of wanted this to happen.
“Wait” Seamus pulled away, sat up and pulled the blanket all the way up to his ears.
“Is it just another fluke?”
Dean also sat up and felt his cheeks flare hotly. He looked down on his hands, now just resting on the pillow he’d placed strategically in his lap.
“No… I know I want this” Dean said, shrugging. “I don’t know, it’s all very new to me”
Seamus smiled and crawled a bit closer, still draped in his blanket.
“Okay, that’s fine” he said and leaned in to kiss Dean again “we don’t have to rush it, we have time”
Then he kissed Dean a little deeper, a bit more surely and as Dean laid down he pulled Seamus down with him.
It turned out that all the time in the world might not be so plausible. They were about to part for the summer, only a few weeks left before the new school term started, when it happened. The news had gone grimmer every day and the worried crease in Mrs Finnigans brow aged her. Then a few days before Dean’s departure, she poked her head into their tent, looking pale and scared.
“Dean, I think you better go see your family” she held the daily prophet close to her chest, on the verge of tears. For some reason, when she looked like that, with more emotion on her face than he’d ever seen, Dean saw how alike she and Seamus were.
“Another attack?” Seamus asked blurily, wiping at his sleepy eyes.
“Several” she said, handing him the paper. Dean didn’t even look at it. He knew what it said. Another attack, muggleborns that couldn’t prove they had wizarding blood. The ministry on a witch hunt… Dean almost laughed as he realized how ironic it was. A muggle hunt. Claiming they stole their magic from real witches.
“I won’t be able to go to Hogwarts” Dean said and Seamus looked up from his paper, looking shocked and scared.
“No… I don’t think you will”
Seamus and his parents traveled with Dean all the way back to London, just to make sure he got home alright.
They didn’t kiss goodbye, it didn’t seem appropriate. They weren’t exactly… They were still just best friends who kissed sometimes and kissing goodbye didn’t seem right. Not to mention it felt final.
“Write to me if you can” Seamus whispered as they hugged.
“You too”
Dean watched them disappear around an alley and flinched as he heard the familiar sound of apparition. He was alone now. He looked upon his apartment door and hesitated, hearing the faint sound of his half-sisters arguing over something stupid. Would his family be safe? Would he bring danger upon his sisters? Would they come after them?
He looked at the duffel bag he held in his hand from his stay at the Finnigans, he had almost everything he needed in there. It was only a question of time before they’d come after him, and he had no way of proving if his dad who he’d never met was a wizard.
He could keep a low profile until January and then he’d be able to hide with magic. Unless they could detect him that way of course... Perhaps he should just put his muggle knowledge to use and hide in the wilderness.
He scribbled a note and placed it in his mailslot, then he ran out of the building and down the street.
Hogwarts wasn’t the same without Dean by his side. The castle seemed colder, perhaps that was due to the new management.
The soft candlelights that had seemed so warm and inviting were now medieval and harsh. The halls seemed baren, the atmosphere glum. It didn’t help that so few students had returned this year. In their dorm, there were only Seamus and Neville.
He got an owl from Dean who told him he was safe for now, on the run like some criminal. It felt surreal.
They corresponded for the first couple of months, then it started to feel like too much of a liability. The Carrows seemed to keep an extra firm eye on Harry Potter’s past classmates as if they’d know something. As if they’d even tell them if they did.
They also seemed to save the most cruel punishments for friends of Harry.
“I will have no more explosions in my classroom Mr Finnigan… although with your halfblood status it’s not much of a surprise that you can’t perform properly… you have what we would call bad blood”
It was enough, there was just so much verbal harassment a person could take before they stopped caring about consequences. Either you allowed people to shove you around or you stood up and shot back, and Seamus had never really been the submissive kind.
He stood up, his knuckles white with the force he was holding his wand.
“Fuck you sir” he said, eyes locked on Amycus Carrow, who Seamus still refused to refer to as professor.
“Pardon?” Amycus Carrow rose an eyebrow and twirled the vial he was clasping in his spindly hand.
“Fuck. You” Seamus dragged out every syllable and hardly blinked as he faced the old crow in front. He didn’t care anymore. When burned alive, there came a time when you reckoned it couldn't get any worse. That's what it felt like, Seamus was known to have a temper after all. Well as of now he was burning with rage.
In the exact same moment Carrow raised his wand to assert himself, the vial in his other hand seemed to shake before suddenly bursting. The liquid shot up in Carrow's face, covering him with the purple sludge. It was completely quiet in the room as everyone stared between the two.
It had been unintentional, a sudden urge and anger that must have made him lose control of his magic but he was not about to admit that. He didn’t regret it so why would he? Besides, it didn’t hurt if people assumed he could cast a spell like that without uttering a word.
Carrow slowly wiped his eyes clean of the mess and his gaze was cold and dead. Steadily locked onto Seamus as if there were no other pupils in his care. Only Seamus. And Seamus was as good as dead. Oh but he probably would've liked that, the snake. Nothing but dead students, what a joy!
“I believe we have earned ourselves a detention Finnigan…” Carrows glare transformed itself into a wicked smile as he gestured for Seamus to step up to the front.
“In the meantime I think we have a volunteer… how many of you know how to perform a Crusiatus spell?”
At first the changes had been gradual, then it had gotten severe as the students started to resist more intensely. Sometimes he thought they ought to all just leave Hogwarts, abandon ship, but he wasn’t sure the new board would even let them.
Not to mention Seamus wanted to show they were stronger than them. The final defenders.
In a sense, they took pride in walking into the great hall with their backs held straight. Bruises and cuts on display for everyone to see. The curses took their toll though, especially the forbidden ones. Even students had started casting them on the ones still resisting.
Was it so strange Seamus had begun to fight back best he could? Detentions, if one could still call them that, didn't deter him either. He kept sending curses at the Carrows every chance he got, mostly to shift their focus from the younger students.
When he entered Gryffindor common rooms after yet another detention, Lavender sat in an armchair and brushed Parvati’s hair. Parvati sat on the floor in front of her, staring into the dying fire. It almost felt normal, like a glimpse into previous years. If it hadn’t been for Lavender’s black eye and the dead broken stare in Parvati’s eyes.
He nodded their way but kept moving up the stairs, too tired to interact.
The spells had left his mind numb but they had made sure his body was battered as well by many other means. He stumbled into his dorm long after curfew, on legs that hardly carried. Blood dripped from his sleeve as he limped over to his bed. It didn’t give him much comfort because even the soft sheets were sharp against his bruises. He coughed up blood on his pillow just as someone else shifted in the bed beside him.
“Neville?” his voice was beyond recognition at this point.
Neville didn’t speak but got up and moved over to where Seamus lay. His eyes were puffy and purple, traces of dried blood were still under his nose.
“They got you too huh? What did you do?” Seamus had to struggle to make himself heard, voice hoarse, Neville just squeezed his shoulder.
As if he didn’t want to speak either. Maybe it hurt to speak for him as well.
Seamus just couldn’t shut up to save his life, let alone his voice, and kept talking through the pain. His vocal cords begged him to stop but Seamus just couldn't allow them to steal his voice from him like that.
Perhaps sensing Seamus would continue despite his strain, Neville finally spoke up.
“After you passed out… when they dragged you out of there-”
Seamus' assumption had been correct, Neville’s voice was rough and wheezy.
Seamus caught him cringing right before he moved a hand up to his throat and cleared it.
“Yes… what happened?”
“Well… Carrows asked if anyone else had something to add and…” Neville took a breath as if he pondered over what he had just done.
“I told him that the swellings you left on his face were a definite improvement and that he should consider making it permanent…”
He looked quite shocked at himself, Seamus only gaped in horror and astonishment before he cracked up. A laugh he hardly recognized anymore and it hurt like shit.
Breathing alone was a nightmare but laughing felt like someone pounded his chest with a meat club. It didn’t matter because it was worth it.
Neville smiled unsurely before he too started laughing. They laughed until it hurt too much and they had to force themselves to stop.
Tears glistened on Neville’s eyelashes but they didn’t fall. Seamus suspected they were just left from an earlier outburst. He didn’t comment.
Honestly, Seamus felt like crying too. He did most of the time, but instead he took Neville’s hand and squeezed it. After all, they didn’t have anyone else.
For some reason Seamus took this opportunity to ponder all the things he had thought of Neville the last six years and found he regretted all of it. Well, most of it .
“I’m sorry…” he said after a long silence and Neville looked so confused Seamus almost started laughing again. He settled for smiling.
“For what?”
“For not being your friend at a better time…”
Neville smiled and squeezed Seamus' hand back.
“Better late than never”
Sometimes Seamus and Lavender shared a bed, when the night was eerily quiet and cold. Neither of them had any siblings but Seamus thought this must be what it felt like. Lavender was not only his closest friend other than Dean, she was like a sister to him. Then one night when Parvati noticed Lavender had left their dorm she came and joined them. She slept that night in an armchair in the boy’s dorm, the next day two more beds appeared and the four gryffindors started bunking together permanently. If the other things weren’t a sign that Hogwarts' former glory was vanishing before them, then that display of tolerance for breaking such ancient dorm rules assured them. Things were not the same.
“We shouldn’t have come here” Lavender said, softly sobbing in the dark.
“Then they would’ve won” Seamus whispered back, staring up into the canopy.
“I’m tired of fighting... I’m not a fighter” Lavender said.
Seamus took a pause, then sighed. Thinking how messed up it was for them to be part of it at all. They were just kids.
“None of us should be” he said, and felt hot tears running down the side of his face.
Dean had never really liked Luna, he didn’t dislike her either but he never got her. She was just Ginny’s friend. Again, he figured he was kind of a lousy boyfriend because the more time he spent with Luna the more he figured he didn’t know her at all. He made a silent vow to be a better boyfriend to Seamus if he ever got the chance.
While on the run, alone with his thoughts, he mostly thought about Seamus. It didn’t give him any consolation whatsoever. Cut off from him he wasn’t even sure he still lived and memorizing his face gave him something to do but left him aching afterwards. He supposed Seamus was safer at Hogwarts at least, he must be, but still. He missed his best friend, and he was sad not knowing what they could’ve been. Would he now die not knowing?
Still, he was happy to have Luna now. Not being alone was a relief, even if they were both prisoners in Malfoy Manor.
Dean had made it on his own for a long time, but it had been inevitable he’d eventually be found out. Especially when he wasn’t just another muggleborn but someone with a connection to Harry Potter. Maybe he should’ve resented Harry for putting him on the map like that, but they were all in this. They were all in the same war, and slowly it started to feel like they were losing.
He might not have known Luna well, but he did notice that something changed in her everyday that they were stuck in their cells at the Manor. Some spark, her hope slowly disintegrating. It was sad to see. If someone like Luna Lovegood could lose it, then what hope was there for the rest of them?
“Terry?” Seamus squatted down and tried lifting Terry’s head up. He winced in pain. His face was badly cut and his lip swollen. Seamus doubted he himself looked any better.
“That’s what I get for stepping up” Terry tried to joke, but winced again. The wound on his lip that had started to close split open again.
“You shouldn’t have stepped in between us” Seamus helped him to his feet, wobbling on his own unsteady legs.
“He would’ve killed you” Terry said and Seamus was prepared to agree. He caught his reflection in a mirror and noted he did look terrible. Probably worse than all of his classmates. Perhaps it was his temper's fault, he couldn’t stay out of it even if he’d tried.
His eyes fell on an empty wall which he recognized.
“You’re right, we need to hide”
“Hide?” Terry looked up and followed Seamus’ eye, he perked up in understanding as he recognized the wall as well.
“Start spreading the word, we’ll move everyone sporadically”
Terry nodded and started limping towards the ravenclaw tower as Seamus forced himself to run towards Gryffindor.
Stepping through the portrait into the unfamiliar, yet familiar room, Dean breathed in a sigh of relief. There were so many of them. Still outnumbered but still, more than he’d expected. He didn’t even have to search for Seamus before he was already in Dean’s arms. Ever the observant one out of the two. The sound of his jubilant shriek and the warmth of his body pressed against him almost brought Dean straight to tears. He latched onto him tightly and refused to let go. The scent was Seamus, but dirty and coppery like blood. When he pulled away to look at him properly he actually did cry.
“What did they do to you?” Dean gasped, Seamus tried smiling but his face was too beaten to really sell it.
“I led a rebellion” he chuckled, still joking even though he looked as if he’d been tortured several times over.
“Of course you did, you brilliant knobhead” Dean’s hands were still on Seamus waist, Seamus’ own rested on Dean’s shoulder. Almost as if they were to dance. He looked into Seamus' eyes and leaned in unsurely. He wanted to kiss him, but perhaps it wasn’t the time. Instead he cupped his cheek and Seamus rested his head against it and sighed.
“I’m so glad you’re still alive” he said.
“Promise you’ll stay that way” Dean whispered back, before they were pulled apart by someone else entering through the portrait. Dean didn’t know exactly what the situation was between Percy Weasley and his family, but he could sense it was tense. So he discreetly pulled Seamus away to give them some space, just as Percy got pulled into a hug from someone else with that fiery red hair.
“Promise you’ll stick close to me during the battle” Dean said, looking intently at Seamus.
“Right… the battle” Seamus breathed out and pulled his hands through his hair. His hands had burn marks on them, Dean assumed it was an intentionally catered punishment to Seamus. He was gonna kill whoever did that.
He had tried to stay beside Dean, he’d wanted to, but when McGonagall gave you orders- when your commanding officer gave you orders, you followed them. As the bridge fell and he met eyes with the struggling werewolf on the other side he felt a small victory. It was short-lived as more death eaters welled in from other angles. At least the magical creatures would have to find another way in. It would buy them some time.
Seamus put his pyrotechnics to good use, setting fire directly to a death eater or two. But all the time he looked for Dean, just to see a glimpse of him still breathing. He finally saw him run by on an upper floor and shouted his name. Dean reappeared on the ledge, shining up at the sight of Seamus. They looked around frantically, searching for a way to get down to each other. Just as they had found a stairway that connected their floors an explosion rang and the staircase crumbled.
“Dean!” Seamus screamed, and tried to see through the ruckus if he still stood. The smoke and debris lay thick and as it slowly started to fade there was no one there. Someone cried out in the distance, it sounded like Percy but Seamus wasn’t sure. He started running up the broken stairs but got yanked back.
“The stairs won’t hold” someone said, but Seamus was too busy staring up towards the empty ledge. He had to know if Dean was up there.
“I Have to see if he’s okay! I have to-”
“I know” he was firmly spun around and stared into Terry’s big brown eyes “I know, but I can’t let you kill yourself doing it, Dean would kill me if I let you”
They stared in silence for a bit, then Seamus allowed Terry to pull him away.
The silence was eery, if he looked out towards the lake it was almost like any other morning at Hogwarts. Serene and quiet. As if Dean had gotten up early to take a jog, not running around frantically looking for any sign of his best friend. He kept getting interrupted as he found more survivors in the debris and helped them to safety, but none of them were a freckled irish boy that he loved. The more he looked the more it sank that he really did, he really loved him. After a while he even started to look for burned resemblances of freckled skin, just to get closure. His heart stayed in his throat as he searched. There were still deatheateer fighting back, most of them were fleeing but some of them fought tooth and claw.
But they had no leader.
Dean ducked behind a tree as stray curses rang around him. He peaked around the trunk trying to see if he recognized anyone of the people shooting spells at the retreating death eater. Another falling dead to the ground. But no Seamus anywhere to be seen.
The first thing Seamus did was return to the ledge where he’d last seen Dean. There were no bodies there and he breathed out in relief. Anxiously he stared down the broken railings, hoping intently he wouldn’t see a sprawled out body laying several floors down. He saw more broken stones, but no body. Unless it lay buried underneath it all.
He ran down and started lifting up the pieces manually, having lost his wand somewhere in the aftermath of battle. He cut himself on the sharp stone. The rough edges cut in under his fingernails forcing the tips loose and bleeding and it stung, but no more than the dread he felt in his heart.
When he hit the familiar floor and it proved fruitless he gave up his chore to run outside. Screaming his name at the top of his lungs. He spun around on the spot as if that would propel the sound across the grounds and find Dean.
"Seamus!"
It wasn't Dean, it was Neville. He grabbed Seamus by his shoulders, hindering his frantic spinning.
"Seamus, I think I saw him by the lake"
Seamus ran, and sure enough Neville once again proved the reliable one. The true hero if Seamus ever saw one.
"Dean!"
Dean, whose silhouette stood clear against the horizon, spun and split into a huge grin when he saw Seamus. They both started running. Dean’s face was covered in grey dust and there was rich dark blood trickling down the side of his head but mostly unharmed. Alive.
This time Dean didn't just take him in his arms like before but pulled him into a passionate kiss. Seamus got blood and dirt in his mouth and he didn't care. The air was fresh outside and Dean was in his arms and they were safe and alive.
He pulled away reluctantly, wiping dirt away from Dean's face. There were clean streaks where desperate and probably frustrated tears had fallen. Seamus wiped at those too.
Dean kept kissing him, again and again, like Seamus was the oasis that Dean found in the middle of the desert. It felt different than before, more real somehow.
“I thought you weren’t sure” Seamus said, voice shaky.
“Running for your life kinda sorts out your priorities Seamus”
“Good, cause I don’t know how to not be with you and if you’d left me I probably would’ve self combusted”
Dean had been so relieved to find Seamus alive it somehow took as more of a shock as he stared at the fallen fifty. Several faces too familiar, some nameless yet etched in his mind from simpler days, staring into a book in the library or sleeping on the desk as a professor reprimanded them awake. So far away in his memory. Somehow it took more, because he had been so happy just a moment ago, prematurely. Happy it was over, happy for having Seamus. So engulfed in love and relief and now…
A desperate roar echoed through the great hall. Primal and rough and chilling. And his voice so familiar it almost brought Dean straight to tears just hearing him, even though he didn’t know why Seamus cried out. He was wailing, crumbling to his knees a few steps up, where he had suddenly run up. Diserting Dean’s side because he had noticed someone Dean hadn’t. Perhaps because he had been looking. Dean had only seen someone look that way in grief once before, his fourth year, when Amos Diggory found his son dead.
“No” Seamus wailed “no, no, no” he kept wailing and hugged a limp body to his chest. Was it Terry?
Dean gasped and clasped his hand over his mouth as blonde curls fell from the lifeless head, torn to pieces and bloodied. Seamus sobbed, his back heaving as he held Lavender close to him.
Dean didn’t have the heart to pull him away, a creeping sensation told him it was a bit messed up, hugging a dead body like that. The more rational part of his brain said this wasn’t just a body, it was Lavender, and Seamus needed this.
Other people were not as attuned to Seamus’ needs and tried to pry him loose, he screamed until his voice cracked. Dean just put his hand on anyone’s shoulder who tried to interfere and shook his head, they needed to let him be.
Finally Seamus seemed too exhausted to scream, he placed Lavender down gently, as if putting her to bed. That’s when Dean felt he could walk up to him again. He sat down by his side, and Seamus leaned towards him, he was still crying silently. Seamus buried his head in Dean’s shoulder and Dean held him. For the first time he saw Lavender’s face, which was usually rosy and beautiful, now so cold and grey. Big gashes, open wounds had torn it up beyond recognition if it wasn’t for knowing her so well. If it wasn’t for certain distinct features and that hair that made it so obvious that it was her. Someone had placed a white sheet over her body and Dean pulled it up over her face as well.
“Where is she!?” the pained voice of Parvati called out, and as her face fell on Seamus sobbing in Dean’s arms she already knew. Her face twisted in the same agonizing hurt as Seamus as she slid down next to her best friend’s lifeless body. She pulled the sheet down before Dean could warn her and wailed. She fell backwards and wept.
Eventually Dean decided it was time to remove Seamus from the scene, perhaps to give Parvati some space as well. He led Seamus to another room, away from death. Sat him down by a lit fire and stood up to get something warm to drink. That’s when he met eyes with Hermione and followed her eyes falling to Seamus. He decided to stay as she neared them.
“I guess you found out” she said and Dean wanted to cringe visibly. She didn’t know how it sounded, or perhaps she didn’t care if she came out abrupt. To be fair she probably didn’t know what to say. Seamus glared down into the ground so intensely Dean feared he’d have her explode in her spot.
“I’m sorry Seamus, I know how close you and Lavender were,” Ron said, his head poking up behind Hermione. Impossible to miss, tall as he was. They were also holding hands.
“Yeah, you would know” Seamus spat, it was a little unfair.
“We just wanted to offer our condolences” Hermione said with pity, looking overbearing like a mother who wanted to dote on her crying child, and for the first time Seamus directed his anger directly at her.
“No. Not from you ” he said and stood up, he wasn’t much taller than her. She still took a step back into Ron who squeezed her hand. Looking as if he wanted to fight for her, but he had some sense as to not do so.
“All you did was talk shit about her and you do not get to grieve her now” he spat and stormed off, not letting her have a chance to defend herself. Dean could tell Seamus was about to cry again, and thought he probably didn’t want the others to see. That’s why he once more laid a hand on someone’s shoulder to keep them from going after him. Hermione had as suspected stepped forward as if that was just what she was thinking, Dean just shook his head.
“I’m sorry, it’s just his temper” Dean said. Always the diplomat.
“It’s fine… I do regret it” Hermione said, looking sad and yet still her usual meddling self “I think I was just jealous of her sometimes, and I didn’t get all that girly stuff”
Dean did a double take and leaned back at that, surprised. Maybe it was the tone she said girly stuff, still with some slight judgment that triggered him.
“And what if she had lived?” he asked, not intending to sound mean or to put her on the spot. He just wanted her to be aware that Seamus wasn’t entirely wrong, he had just executed it poorly.
She stared at him and had nothing to say. The uncomfortable silence sort of said it all.
He gave her a pointed look and left as well.
He found Seamus sitting by another fire, Aberfoth Dumbledore sitting on his opposite side and handing him a steaming mug. Seamus was wearing a blanket over his shoulders and looked younger than he was.
“This one’s yours?” Aberforth asked as Dean approached. Dean simply nodded.
“Well I’ll leave you in capable hands then. This one’s strong isn’t he?” Aberforth said, addressing Seamus while gesturing towards Dean. For a second a hint of a smile ghosted over Seamus’ serious features. There was a cheeky glimmer in Aberforth’s eyes. The same glimmer Albus Dumbledore used to have during opening ceremonies, but there was just something more sincere when Aberforth did it. He left them alone, Dean got a feeling he knew.
“Do you think he did it because I blew up the bridge?” Seamus asked, looking small and tired.
“Who? What do you mean?” Dean wrapped his arm around Seamus, pulling the blanket he was wearing higher over his shoulder.
“The werewolf… you think he knew she was important to me and chose her because I stood in his way?”
Dean squeezed a bit tighter.
“No, it was a terrible accident and had nothing to do with you” Dean said, even if he couldn’t be sure whether it was true or not.
There was a funeral, Dean thought they should go. Seamus didn't want to.
"How do I face any of them, and tell them I let her die alone"
"You didn't know"
"You'd think dying in battle you'd at least have someone to hold you. But she was alone"
"I think it's important to go to the funeral. To get closure"
"I don't want closure Dean!" Seamus snapped, then softer, sader "I don't want closure. I want to remember"
Not sure if he should, it was all so new to him anyway, Dean kissed him softly. He wasn't sure if it was okay for him to do so. Seamus closed his eyes and returned the kiss. Then he pulled away. Morphing back into frowning.
"God, I just want to be happy"
"I think she'd want you to be happy too"
Seamus eventually went to the grave, he went alone and sat down on the cold freshly turned soil. Dean had insisted he should join him, but Seamus didn’t want him to. After all, he and Lavender usually spent their time alone without their best friends when they had their talks. It felt right that they would be alone one last time when he said goodbye. The sky was grey and threatening, honestly he kind of liked that.
The graves around them seemed serene with peace, giving the impression it was just normal dirt and not the resting place of an actual person. If it weren’t for the memorial stones no one would know. Not like Lavender’s grave which was still a different colour than the others, dirt still freshly bothered. It was starting to settle though, a few months in it was starting to settle… She was just seventeen, she would always be seventeen.
“I wanted you to be the first person I told when it happened, I wanted to tell you you were right” he said as he twisted the ring that now adorned his ring finger.
“Dean and I are meant for each other, you knew that… I was just too scared to believe it”
He held out his hand, like he would’ve if she’d lived. For a second he almost imagined his hand being tugged frantically. Excited hands pulling and twisting to get a better look. There was no tug though, just cold air against his hand that stretched towards a stone carved ‘ Lavender Brown, beloved daughter ’.
It hadn’t really been a romantic thing, in fact it was a spur of the moment, probably too soon thing. They had just started dating after all, and shouldn’t be engaged. Still it wasn’t as if either of them were ever gonna let go now. Perhaps it was going through what they went through, knowing time wasn’t forever. They just knew, and didn’t even feel like making a big deal out of it. Even so, Seamus' heart swelled everytime he looked at the ring, it was just metal, but it meant something.
Neville would probably give him concerned eyes when they told him. Lavender would’ve started planning the wedding already.
“I wish you were here” he said as tears welled up in his eyes.
“I’ll leave you a chair right next to mine… in case your ghost wants to show up” he joked, voice coming out clogged as he choked back more tears. It Sounded as if someone had put a lid on it. He twisted the ring again absentmindedly. Then he paused, looking up into the sky.
“Please don’t be a ghost though, I want you to have peace”
He would’ve loved to see her again, keep her around forever, but that would be selfish.
He left the cemetery as the looming rain had started to fall in too heavy drops. Dean stood by the exit holding a large black umbrella, when he saw Seamus he extended it along with his open arm. Seamus fell into his chest face first. Dean kissed his head.
“Did you say goodbye?” he asked. Seamus shook his head into Dean’s sweater without looking up.
“Maybe next time” Dean said and kissed his head again.
Grief, it turned out, was a lot more underwhelming than they had imagined. Sometimes you could even forget it had happened, blissful denial of sorts. It was really only the important moments when they really noticed people were missing. Like a ruthless reminder on days that were supposed to be joyous.
They quickly realized they had to go through all the milestones of a year without their fallen friends for it to properly sink in. It was actually almost easy to forget it had happened until something like a birthday took place, and everytime they found themselves thinking 'they would've been here for this'. Everytime it hurt just as much as the first time.
However, in between they sometimes forgot, and that was okay. They no longer felt ashamed about it. It was easy to forget when they were alone in their new one room apartment because then they could pretend Lavender was still alive somewhere, just a letter away.
The first time they were reminded was going back for their make-up year. Painfully aware why she wasn't there with them.
They passed milestone after milestone. Birthdays and graduation until it was easier to accept it. Not because Seamus wanted to get over it, but Lavender would've wanted him to live on. Seamus vowed to always celebrate her birthday for the rest of his life, and he still hadn't uttered the word goodbye. He didn't need to. Seamus had always been bad at goodbyes anyways, and she was always with him in his heart.
Eventually it got easier to allow himself to be happy sometimes, as the year came to an end they decided not to get married after all. The cynicism started to exchange for hope. They had been through it alright, but they had also survived it. They had come out the other end stronger, and the world was starting to remind them how good it could be.
They did have all the time in the world to figure it out and didn’t have to rush it. However, they still kept the rings on.