When Sirius falls asleep, Remus wonders how can a person be so pretty
“ Well, if I’m not mistaken, we’ve arrived. “ Thanks to his unbelievable luck, Remus has (once again) found a spot to park almost in front of the door, his green bottle car standing out among all the white. “ Then, good night and- “
But like when Remus fell asleep on the couch, there’s no one conscious listening to him.
Sirius, after more than twenty-four straight hours of being awake, two stressful jobs and the constant worry of “take care of Harry”, has finally reached a moment of peace in Remus' car. The silence, the darkness, the rattling of the wheels against the road and the smoothing sound of the radio murmur corny ballads. But above all the quietness, the calm that Remus gives him brings him security and confidence, as if just being his godson’s teacher would give him a pass to purity.
And now Remus doesn’t know what to do. Wake him up? Let him sleep? Take him home or bring him to his?
“ Sirius...? “ With a timid and dubious tone of voice, Remus decides to wake him up, however placid he may seem asleep. To achieve this, he pricks his arm with one finger and makes the other one jump awake. He knows he shouldn’t feel so fulfilled about returning the post-awakening heart attack he had last night, but it’s inevitable. “ We have arrived. “ He tells him with his hands back at the wheel.
“ Oh yes, my house. “ Remus is not so convinced of his answer even if Sirius begins to clear up. “ That’s my house... “ With his index finger and his eyes almost closed, he points towards the gate. “ A detail to accompany me, Professor Lupin. “ The formal-informal conflict in his choice of words makes him smile. If he notices, Sirius is very good at pretending not to hear him. Without further delay he gets out of the car, takes two steps to the gate and then turns back to the car, bending down to the car window that just lowered.
“ I have your tie. ”
Remus goes blank.
“ What? “
“ When you fell asleep on my couch, you left your tie. “ His favourite tie. That’s right, he was wearing it yesterday. “ It’s buried on my couch. “
Getting hints may not be Remus’s strong suit.
“ Do you want to go upstairs and pick it up? “
† † †
With only one night to go, Remus didn’t expect a big and noticeable change in the apartment, but still, Sirius has surprised him with a much cleaner and more organized atmosphere than what he left behind this morning. Like a captive animal in a new environment, Remus stands at the entrance looking to all directions, scanning every part of the apartment to cross it off a list of things he remembers.
“ It’s in my room, you can come in. “ Taking off his shoes with his feet and throwing them in some direction, Sirius walks carelessly to the corridor Remus visited so briefly last night. Not so comfortable invading this space again, Remus follows him almost robotically and forcibly, his feet screaming out of there immediately and the embarrassment of his cheeks supporting that idea.
Sirius' room is more minimalist than he expected. Just a square room with dull grey walls, a large bed of bland sheets in the middle and a pile of dark clothes crammed around the entire room. Remus doesn’t know if that’s supposed to be the laundry or the clean clothes.
“ Here it is. “ Unnoticed because of its tiny size, Remus has not been able to see that bedside table of a worn-out grey man. With his whole body lying on the bed, Sirius puts his hand into the bottom drawer and pulls out the piece of cloth that has managed to get the teacher up the stairs. Avoiding unnecessary contact with his fingers, Remus picks it up as quickly as possible, his eyes falling on his hands in shame.
“ Thank you very much for returning it, Sirius. “ With several words lurking through his mind, Remus squeezes the ribbon between his fingers, putting too much confidence in the strength of the tie. “ Hey, about what I said earlier...”
But Sirius doesn’t listen. He doesn’t listen because he’s fast asleep.
“ But how- – “ Being carried away by his confusion and surprise, Remus bends down to the edge of the bed and pricks Sirius' cheeks again with his finger. This time, Sirius doesn’t wake up. He doesn’t complain either, and were it not for his deep breaths waving his chest, Remus would think he just died. He almost wants to laugh. “ We have to stop doing this when the other person speaks. “ But even if his words sound like a complaint, the tone used is far from being assimilated to it. He knows that standing still and looking at the sleeping man is rare and inappropriate equally, but he allows himself to remain there for a few seconds when he realizes that, for the first time, Sirius' expression has finally reached a level of calm never seen by his eyes, so hypnotic that he allows himself to appreciate it more than he should. “ I should go. “ But when he realizes that his body is starting to weigh more and more towards the ground, he decides he’s had enough.
As he approaches the door to leave, his conscience stops his feet as he remembers the man lying on the bed with nothing to cover him on a winter night. So he puts his tie in his pocket and comes back to the room with a voice that tells him this is a bad idea over and over again. As he pushes the heavy, numb body to one side to undo the blanket and be able to cover him with it, the only thought that runs through his mind is a plea to the heaviness of Sirius' sleep - Imagining the discomfort of the situation that would happen if he wakes up while Remus drags him from one side of the mattress to the other.
After several pushes with a gradual loss of delicacy, he finally manages to cover him with all the blankets he has. As well as taking out the clothes he can without making it inappropriate (so that Sirius doesn’t sleep uncomfortable on his night off). As he tries to find a place to leave the jacket he was carrying, Sirius’s cell phone jumps out of one of his pockets, giving Remus a heart attack about whether he has broken the screen or not. When he picks it up and hits the power button briefly, he is relieved to see that the glass is still in one piece and there are no weird spots on the surface. What there is, however, is a background that makes a certain impression on him. It is a kind of family photo, but with the same people that Sirius showed him the first time they met (Harry’s parents).
With his heart in a fist, Remus puts the device on the small bedside table and connects it to the charger that hangs from the wall when he sees the low percentage. He puts the jacket aside and sits on the bed, feet out and torso facing the sleeping man, his hands tucked into the mattress to support him and avoid some stupid impulse.
“ You've suffered a lot on your own, haven't you? “ His words are almost a whisper in the wind, but even if he wanted to, he knows he can't say them louder. “ And on top of that I… “
Remus looks at the floor with some regret. He's had to get involved in such a short time with the tutor of one of the students in his first class, because that's just the way he is.
He must cut it out now, before he is swallowed up by what doesn't seem like a very bright story, for the sake of his job.
If only he wasn't Harry's tutor.....
Sirius's groans bring him back to earth. His relaxed eyebrows and wrinkle-free forehead seemed to be lasting a long time, as they have now contracted with a great force along with the strain put on his shoulders, making his labored body a smaller one.
“ Hey. “ Remus knows what those signs mean: a nightmare. “ Hey, it's not real. It's just a dream. “
And it's his own fault for having his hand so close and so available, because Sirius, desperate and terrified in his sleep, grabs his wrist and Remus doesn't have the heart to fight back.
“ James... James... James please... Don't... Don't get in the car... Lily... “ Sirius' tone shakes every last sensitive fiber in Remus' heart, and justifying himself with the fact that the one who grabbed him first was the other, he cradles Sirius' hand between his own, offering him warmth and calm, even if a lump forms in his throat.
“ Shhh... “ His company doesn't make the nightmare end (in fact, tears escape from his closed eyelids), but at least Sirius has stopped babbling now. “ You're not alone. “ He tells him as he settles down on the empty side of the bed. “ Can you hear me? In that dream you are not alone. “
And as Remus lies down as he is held prisoner by the hand, Sirius shivers and writhes in his nightmare, even if the light of a bright moon keeps him company in what is the memory of the worst night of his life.
I can't get involved. - Remus reminds himself before closing his eyes.
† † †
Perhaps it was the pressure of his belt that wakes him up, perhaps the discomfort of carrying his bag while he sleeps, or his body being uncomfortable lying in an unfamiliar bed, but Remus Lupin manages to wake up when the clock strikes three in the morning. And he wakes up to Sirius Black's perfectly relaxed face mere millimeters from his.
Remus jumps away from the other, crawling to the opposite side of the bed in such a way that his ass is in the air and ends up counterbalancing him, sending him straight to the floor. Sirius' hand no longer keeps him on the bed, so without further ado Remus gets up and runs as if his life depended on it.
Not realizing that the reason he has climbed those stairs (his tie) is tangled between Sirius' fingers.