The New Teacher and the (Probably) Pedophile
Remus has always dreamed of teaching. Since he was little, he has never thought of doing anything else with his life. That might have to do with what he feels about the impact of teachers over someone's life, how they are the ones teaching how to grow as people, exactly how McGonagall once did with him.
McGonagall.
Remus should kill her.
I mean, how can anyone have the nerve to leave their students just two months after the start of the year just because they want an early retirement?
Just McGonagall, the teacher that improved his life so much and with whom he has not had any contact with for years. And if it wasn’t for the call she made the other day to see him and get a cup of tea, it might have been more.
“ And where are you going to find a substitute teacher this far in the school year? “
“ That’s easy: I have one right in front of me. “
Yes, Remus should kill her for taking such an irresponsible and unprofessional decision, but at the same time, he can’t help it but feel excited for the opportunity she gave him.
Between all the possible candidates in a long list with much more experience than him, McGonagall has choosen him.
Him, who once his practices ended, couldn’t find a single school that hired him.
He has no idea what McGonagall told the school director for him to hire Remus without any inconvenience, but he is really grateful otherwise. Even if he thinks that the reason behind that is due to McGonagall hiding his scars in one way ore another.
There’s no way (from his experience), that a principal doesn’t mind exposing a bunch of kids in front of someone with a face as hideous as his. He learned that very fast, when a bunch of schools turned him down because of it.
But by McGonagall’s words, it doesn’t seem like this is the case (as hard as it is to believe) and even if he trusts her, he has avoided the principal as much as he could. Just in case his impression of her is wrong.
The sun has long gone, and even with the small lamp on his table on, he has trouble keeping his eyes open.
Yes, teaching is something he always wanted, but today, his first day on the job, has been exhausting. And all thanks to his anxiety.
If he's honest, Remus doesn’t remember when all the anxiety started. What he does remember, is the first time he had a panic attack (as we always say, we never forget our first).
It was scary.
He was little, he was alone (at least, that's how he felt) and he didn’t understand what was going on with his body. The way it trembled, his heart making too much noise and everything disappearing behind a black veil, with only the Moon giving some sort of light that it quickly went away.
He doesn't remember anything else after it’s start, with the fast beating of his heart and his hands stuck in a strange position.
Since then, the attacks have been something constant in his life. A burden that made him loose control over his life, captains of his awful decision making.
Over the years and accepting the help he needed, Remus has learned to bear the burden, and through gritted teeth has accepted that once the anxiety settles in, it never leaves, no matter how much you want to. It might seem that it went away, but just like a stray cat, the anxiety always finds it's way back to where it came from. Sometimes more often than others.
Tonight, that level of anxiety came for a visit.
At first, when he went to bed, he was excited and got in early, but as the hours passed, the excitement in his heart turned to worry, and the worry into anxiety. As he layed in bed, in the middle of the dark with nothing but silence to distract him, he couldn't take it anymore and just gave up.
It became annoying at three in the morning, and at half past four, even with the hyperventilations stopping, there was a tightness in the center of his chest. At five o'clock he got tired of the feeling and the spinning, so he went to take a bath, and even though that helped, Remus relapsed on his way to his new job (which he went in also half an hour early, even though he stayed twenty minutes in his car giving himself a pep talk) and it got worse when he sat down at his desk.
That time he was able to control it and just hid in the bathroom until all the kids arrived, and although he made his hands bleed with his fingernails and his voice trembled more than he wanted it to, Remus was able to move pass it without much more trouble. The class he gave wasn't perfect (not even by a long shot) but it went well. Even if the kids seem to miss their old teacher, none of them seem to have a problem with the teacher that replaced her.
And well, with all the kids gone and back home to their parents, his anxiety level has dropped considerably, and with it, the engine responsible for his staying up so many hours.
He wants to go home, ignore the intrusive thoughts in his stupid brain and sleep. Sleep until tomorrow comes and where he has to get up again and repeat. Just like he's going to do for the rest of the year.
Despite everything, that thought makes him smile with excitement.
But he can't do it yet, because the truth is that not all the children are gone.
There is still one left.
One with hair almost as black as coal and glasses as round as balls. Harry Potter.
Harry hasn't been picked up yet, and even if he can leave him in in the waiting room until his parents come as if that doesn't go with him, Remus knows his heart won't be at ease until he sees them picking their child up.
It's been a few minutes since he's finished grading the little activity he's sent the kids to introduce themselves (a little description of who they are and what they like) and if Remus doesn't get his brain to work in the next two minutes, he's going to fall asleep against the desk.
He looks at the watch on his wrist and clenches his jaw. What kind of parent leaves their son until eight o'clock when classes end at five?
An irresponsible one, that's who.
And that isn't the worse thing the Potters have done. The worst thing is that, when the clock struck twenty to six, Remus took the parents data and called the number of each one (James and Lily) to ask them where they were, and neither of them had the decency to answer. At this rate, he's going to have to call the police if no one shows up by nine o'clock.
With empathy he looks at Harry. He's sitting at the same desk he's occupied all day, his Avengers backpack on the table and in the same determined, patient posture he's been in for the past three hours. With folders and papers already tucked away in his shoulder bag, Remus sighs.
“ Harry? “ At the mention of his name, along with a soft, friendly nod, he adds a smile full of tenderness to his small face that makes Remus feel a uneasy.
“ Yes, Professor Lupin? “ From his desk, Remus gives him a soft, delicate smile, as if the boy is too pure for this world.
“ Harry, I've already told you you can call me Remus. Professor Lupin makes me feel old. “
“ But you are old. “ Being a child, Remus allows himself to laugh with his head down.
“ I know, but you don't need to remind me. “ Resuming his posture, Remus hangs up his bag and walks over to Harry's table. Harry follows him with his eyes until the adult squats down.
“ Mom always says we have to treat teachers with respect. “ Not knowing her, Remus feels his blood boil. Not because of what she has said to the boy, but due the thought that that same woman that teached him manners, is leaving him alone without saying a word.
“ And she's right, but if I give you permission not to, the respect is still there, isn't it? “ The little boy seems to meditate it over for a few seconds, as if making sure that's right in his books.
“ I guess you’re right. “ He ends up saying, crossing his arms while nodding and one hand on his chin. By the time he has shared with him, Remus has noticed that Harry’s gestures are very similar to those in cartoons, in aspects of over-exaggeration. And while this may give him charisma and personality, it also makes him wonder if Harry spends a lot of time watching TV. And if the cause of that, is some negligent parents. “ You’re an adult, Dad says that adults are always right. “
His knees aren’t what they used to be, so Remus has a hard time keeping his posture upright, but he manages.
“ Not always, but most of the time. “ His answer seems to confuse the boy, but at the same time, doesn’t seem so interested to have a debate. Returning to his initial posture as if the conversation had ended there, Harry refocuses on the door. Taking advantage of his distraction, Remus looks down at the boy’s hands and realizes that he has been misjudging him. What he thought was a kid playing with the straps of his backpack to pass the time, turns out to be a nervous tic he knows very well. “ Hey, Harry. “ Again, at the mention of his name, Harry’s head turns. “ Where are your parents? “ The little one shrugs his shoulders.
“ I don’t know. “ He answers, and it seems sincere. “ Padfoot says far away. “
“ Far away? “ The boy nods, and before Remus can ask anything else, the door opens suddenly and the two heads turn at the same time.
“ Harry! “ It’s a man, not much older than Remus, with a suspicious motorcycle helmet on his head. In addition to the case, the subject is wrapped in a black leather jacket, a shirt from a group he cannot recognize and boots too high for Remus to consider wearing them. The man seems out of his mind, his sweaty shirt and his exposed chest going up and down at an alarming rate (if the shirt has a cut that leaves half of his chest exposed, Remus is not to blame for his eyes moving there). Taking a protective posture, Remus rises from his squats and with a hostile attitude stands in front of Harry, covering him with his body so that he doesn't see the helmeted guy. The kid seems okay with that, and he doesn’t even try to see who it is. “ I’ve been-! “
“ Can I help you? “ Remus' heart is going at a thousand an hour, because a suspicious man has entered his class. His class , where there's still a student waiting. A child who he will protect from this intruder with his life, even if this may lead to a delicate situation.
“ Yes! You see... “ Still with the helmet and the tinted glass hiding his face, the man enters the classroom calmly. Even if he seems harmless, Remus is not willing to allow him so much. Not when he looks so suspicious and has raised all his alarms.
“ Stop it. “ He shouts hard enough to make Harry flinch, and the man obeys. Harry tries to snoop around to see what is going on, but Remus doesn't let him. “ Who are you? “
Even without seeing his face, it’s obvious that the man is as confused as he is. But if Remus is defensive, he’ll catch up.
“ And you? “
“ I asked first. “ The man remains silent for a few seconds, perhaps hiding a poisonous smile. Whatever it was hiding, it seems to accept the defeat.
“ All right, you win. “ Remus is on high alert when the man takes off his gloves and extends a hand to him. A hand that Remus doesn’t shake. “ I’m Sirius Black. “ At the mention of that name, Harry jumps from his place with such exitement that his chair crashes into the ground and jump-scares Remus.
“ PADFOOT! “ And with a joy that Remus has not seen in the child during the day, the little boy runs from his place to meet the man, jumping so high that even a kangoroo would be envious, ignoring the arms of his teacher that tries to stop him. Due to the surprise and limited reaction time, Remus has lost his defensive aura. With the jump, arms wrapped in black leather and an assortment of bracelets and ink, welcome the child with such tenderness that Remus doesn't even think that this man has realised the way he makes sure that Harry's head does not hit the helmet on his head. Without allowing the helmet to get in the way, Harry rests his head on his shoulder and his little arms try to surround his neck, while the man turns around himself and snatches a laugh from the boy.
But even with such a tender scene before his eyes, Remus is not calm.
Black.
That’s how he introduced himself.
Unless it’s a mistake in the documents (which Remus doubts), the last time he looked at the child’s last name, it was Potter. And Remus may have his dyslexic moments, but not this big. This mystery man is not Harry’s family.
You have to do something.
“ Excuse me... “ By interrupting the moment when the child blurs the visor of the helmet to draw a smiling face in the mist, Remus tries to recover the attention of both. Thank God he gets it, because he wouldn’t have been able to repeat himself without feeling small and insignificant. “ You still haven’t answered me: Who are you? ” His next question is addressed to the child. “ Harry, how do you know him? “
“ This is Padfoot! “ Says the little one before Sirius is able to speak.
So this is the one who told the kid that his parents are away.
Before anyone can say anything else, the man finally decides to take off the piece of helmet that doesn’t give away what he looks like underneath.
In the future, if you ask Sirius why Remus was not able to maintain his offensive posture, he will probably tell you that it was because he became enchanted from his beauty and Remus, unable to deny him anything, will agree. And well, on a good day, maybe that would've been the reason.
But we’re not talking about a good day in Sirius Black’s life, the day his life and Remus Lupin’s found each other.
We are talking about a day when Sirius had five minutes to get dressed and showered (which were not enough, so he settled with only deodorant), a day when he had to run like the devil with a motorcycle helmet on his head because he didn’t feel he had time to take it off. We are talking about a day when Sirius Black has not had time to clean the eyeliner of the previous day, which between sweat and forty-eight hours has become so smooth and thick that it seems to carry the circles of a raccoon, a day where by effort, his body was soaked with a layer of sweat and where his hair (his wonderful hair) had been a victim from the crushing weight of his helmet that with the help of sweat and dirt of three days uncleaned, has lost any kind of shape.
We’re talking about a Sirius Black that makes anything but a good impression.
And in the future he’ll say no, but at that moment, Remus was stunned to see him. And not because of tremendous beauty (as he will insist in a few years), but because of tremendous disaster.
“ Sorry. “ That’s the first thing he says when Harry helps him take off his helmet and puts it on one of the tables. “ I hadn’t even thought that I was wearing this. “ Still without words to say, Remus follows what he does with his eyes, mouth completely closed in front of the wet emo tomato that doesn’t seem to be able to catch his breath. Sirius runs a hand through his drenched hair, and his face contracts in disgust. It’s good to see that he’s aware that he needs a shower , thinks Remus with a certain venom that he regrets. Personal hygiene is a delicate matter. “ I went to look for Harry in the waiting room but there was nobody and- “
“ That’s because he waited with me for you to come! “ Harry interrupts with all the excitement in the world. Sirius' gaze turns away from Remus to focus on the child, and although his smile has been curved all the time Remus has seen it, it curves much more when he looks at his kid.
“ Really? “ Harry nods energetically, and Remus is ashamed of himself for it. To find comfort, he crosses his arms again, this time closer to his chest than his stomach.
“ Yes! “
“ Have you thanked him? “ Harry seems offended of himself when he realises he hasn’t. In a hurry, he turns to his teacher with Sirius' help.
“ Thank you very much! “ Remus looks at him red with shame, but avoids meeting the other. A sincere smile slips from his lips.
“ Nothing to thank for, Harry, you’re my student, my duty is to take care of you.” With that fact, Sirius seems confused.
“ Student? “ Looking for an explanation, he looks at the child, who looks back at him. “ And Professor McGonagall? “ Harry rolls his eyes as if he couldn’t believe he’d forgotten.
“ Aish. “ His expressions and gestures are very similar to how cartoons recriminate something the other person has done; his arms crossed, moving his head and eyes closed. All marks checked. “ I told you that Professor McGonagall was going to stop teaching us! She’s gone on a trip, just like Mom and Dad. “ At that moment, Remus can see Sirius' apparent joy shattered, and that triggers all his alarms.
“ Harry, sweetheart- McGonagall is not- “ With a weaker tone of voice, Sirius seems to have trouble holding Harry in his arms, as if he weighted so much so suddenly, so he sits him on one of the desks and puts his hands on his shoulders, eyes fixed on his. Remus can see he is having a hard time explaining. “ Your parents- I told you- They- “ Sirius closes his eyes for a second, as if to give himself strength to continue. “ They’re not coming back, you know. “
“ Why? “ Remus lifts his head when he hears the boy’s voice tremble. “ Why don’t they come back? It's because they don’t love me anymore? “ Remus knows he has no place in this conversation, but he wants to intervene with all his might. He still lets Sirius do his thing and bites his tongue. With the gentleness of a mother, Sirius embraces the child’s face.
“ Of course not! James and Lily love you very much, they love you as much as the size of the world. “ And suddenly, the pieces start to fit into Remus' head.
“ Why don’t they come back then? “
If his assumptions are correct, he doesn't blame Sirius for not being able to continue.
“ Because they can’t, Harry. “ Still trembling, Sirius' voice is full of softness as he wipes little tears from his cheeks. “ Because they’re gone. “
“ But... I miss them. “ The way his heart has shrunk, makes Remus want to run and embrace him. Luckily, Sirius is ahead of him.
“ I miss them too, darling. I really do. ”
† † †
Remus looks at his wrist watch.
Nine o'clock .
His plan to bathe and sleep is over; now he just wants to sleep.
On the bench where they are sitting, Remus yawns.
“ You could have left. “ Sirius tells him without making eye contact, Harry fast asleep against his chest, covered with the leather jacket he was wearing. After crying over Sirius and going out of school for air, somehow Harry has done like babies and fallen asleep. Remus followed them because, what else was he going to do?
Remus denies with his head, a little more gone than he should because of sleep.
“ He’s my student, I need to wait for him to calm down. “
“ I’m not talking about now. “ With his back upright, Remus turns to him, feeling how the elastic that held his hair in place has given up and let out several rebel strands of hair.
“ Are you talking about not leaving him on the waiting room? “ Sirius nods. “ Ah, I didn’t feel at peace leaving him there, I know it’s not... the best atmosphere. Especially at this hour. “ Sirius forces himself to let a laugh escape. While this draws Remus' attention, who turns a little more towards him, Sirius' eyes fall on Harry, who is still asleep on him. The position he’s taking to make that possible doesn’t seem comfortable, Remus thinks.
“ It’s my fault. “ Sirius tells him with guilt in his voice. “ I usually close the shop at time so I can pick him up, but today- “ Sirius sighs. “ I tried to avoid it, but the client was very persistent and everything I did didn’t go well.” Carefully, Sirius combes the boy's hair. “ I should have sent him to eat shit. “ Suddenly, he covers his mouth alarmed. “ I’m sorry, I speak worse than a truck driver. “ Frustrated, he scratches one of his eyebrows. “ I know I should speak better for the child, but, damn it, it’s very difficult.” Remus decides to be a little understanding.
“ The child is asleep, and I honestly don’t care how do you talk.” Sirius' eyes are overflowing with disbelief and gratitude.
“ Really? “
“ Fuck, yes. “ His humor, sometimes sour as a lemon, manages to make Sirius laugh, which manages to de-stress Sirius' shoulders, and Remus is proud of himself for a few seconds.
“ McGonagall used to punch me every time I cursed in front of Harry. “ Remus is smiling inside. When he was a kid, the teacher did the same to him. “ I ’ve never had to worry about it, and now I can’t even say shit because he keeps repeating it in class, infecting his friends whose parents take it out on me.” Sirius sighs. “ At his age, I said worse things and no one bated an eye. This generation... “ The end of the sentence is lost in the night air, neither of them so interested as to keep talking about the subject.
Remus' hands turn cold when he realises why he’s still sitting on a bench that’s freezing his buttocks.
“ Why didn’t you? “ His tone is no longer sympathetic, but rather accusatory. Remus is still sour because of the man’s tardiness to pick Harry, whatever his excuse is.
“ Why didn’t I do what? Let the kid say bad words? I told you, the parents- “
“ Send your client to eat shit. “ He interrupts him. “ Why didn’t you? “ Sirius' smile as he finishes combing the child's hair is bitter.
“ He paid well. “ The saddened unbelief of his voice soothes his anger. “ If I were only responsible for myself, I'd have done it, but Harry needs to eat.” For the first time, Sirius looks at him. “ He is growing, isn’t him? “ Remus says nothing, his resentment completely vanished. With only the light of passing cars and the streetlight a bit far away as lighting, Remus can’t see it with the same clarity he did in class, but you don’t have to be a genius to assume that his eyes are shrouded in more darkness than makeup.
Remus wonders what that’s like. Someone feeling guilty about leaving work late, aware that it's necessary for their own good.
“ Where are his parents? “ And sleep has him so confused that he can’t even send thoughts to his brain and words to his mouth: he has to do the opposite . When he realises what he said, Remus opens his eyes like plates and crashes a hand over his mouth, before hiding out of the other one's glaze, because eyes that do not see, heart that does not feel. “ Excuse me! “ And holding both hands to his head, he corrects himself. “ My God, I’m an idiot, you don’t have to answer! Damn, look, I’m insensitive... “ A hand on his shoulder almost makes his soul come out of his mouth, but even with a jump, the hand stays in it's place. He dares to look at him between his fingers.
“ Relax, it’s fine. “ Remus knows it’s not fine, his melancholy expression says it for itself, but he won’t deny him wanting to share the situation either. Sirius stops resting his hand on his shoulder, the heat he was transmitting completely gone. As it's a delicate matter, Remus kindly puts his hands down and looks directly at him. Sirius starts out the same way, but when a word comes out, he regrets and looks the other way. “ There’s not much to tell. His father and I are- we were friends. Almost brothers I would dare say. “ Remus respects the pause he's taking. “ And, well, six months ago- six months ago- “ Fearful of touching a sensitive memory, Remus rushes to put a hand on his knee to slow him down.
“ You don’t have to say anything else. “ Sirius really seems relieved to hear that, and his eyes reflect gratitude. Remus clears his throat. ” I understand. “ Sirius nods.
“ And that’s it. “ His voice sounds more closed, but his eyes remain dry, or at least, able to keep the water in place. “ James' family was limited to his parents, who, as you can imagine, are not longer with us. Lily’s... well, there’s someone, but even if they point a gun at me, I’m not going to give my godson to that monster. Two days were enough for me to see that Harry is better off with me. “
Remus absorbs all that new information for a few seconds, having a difficulty that he usually doesn’t have because of his lack of sleep.
“ Then you’re his godfather. “ Recapitulates by leaning towards the bank’s backing. Sirius nods. “ No offense, but do you have any proof of it? You’re not a legal guardian on the record and, well. For all I know, you could be a pedophile who’s incredibly good at acting. Which, if you think about it, isn’t that rare. Many have even won awards in that field. “ His joke doesn’t land the way he hoped, and that makes him uncomfortable. “ Being the bad cop isn’t something I enjoy, and I was hoping my humor would make it clear, but maybe it wasn’t the time. I’m sorry, but it’s the rules and I can’t just give it to you.”
“ Isn’t his reaction enough? ” Sirius' tone sounds annoyed, but at the same time sympathetic to why he does it. Harry goes to this school for a reason: so things like this don’t happen.
“ No, I’m sorry. “ Sirius snorts, dropping his head against the back of the bench, hanging upside down. “ I need documentation. “
“ Is a picture of when he was a child with me, enough? I’m sorry to break it to you, but I have absolutely nothing to convince you that he’s with me. It’s been six months and all the paperwork is... time I don’t have. “
Remus bites the inside of his mouth.
On one hand, he has not the slightest doubt that Sirius, disastrous as he is, is telling the truth. Harry’s reaction and the conversation he’s overheard is more than proof of that, but at the same time... The rules are the rules, and he’s had a hard time finding a job to lose it because someone gives him the eyes of an abandoned puppy.
“ Yes, that will do. “
But he gambles on it and agrees to leave Harry. First of all because he’s very tired and desperate to get back to his bed, and Sirius seems so too. Second, because he has studied the man’s face enough to make a sketch of him in case he is a manipulative pedophile (yes, it was for his absurd theory, not for anything else).
“ Good. “ And Sirius lifts his neck, raises his hip and takes the wallet out of the back pocket of his trousers. Harry twists in his dreams, but Sirius stops for a few seconds and Harry stands still. He rests his ass again and with one hand opens the wallet on Harry’s back. Keeping personal space, Remus leans over his shoulder to see it. He finds the dinosaur bandage stuck between the fold of the wallet adorable. “ The wallet cracked a little and Harry thought that a bandage would cure it. “ Sirius explains when he follows Remus glaze. “ And now I don’t have the heart to take it off. “
“ It’s a nice addition. “ Remus comments in a whisper. From the way his eyes sparkle, he knows Sirius thinks the same.
“ So. “ On one of the flaps of the wallet, the one with a red flannel envelope, he takes out a small cue of photographs. He let's the wallet aside and starts passing them. Remus almost admires his ability to do things with one hand. Even with the two of them, he’s not able to do anything right. “ This picture here was taken when Harry was one year old. “ Handing him the image, Remus receives it almost afraid of breaking it. “ As you can see, this is me. “ He points at the paper. “ Yes, the one with the blue crest. Bad choices you make when you’re young. “ Remus refrains from commenting that he actually thinks he looked extremely well, and that if he had met him at that age, he would've had an interest in him. Platonic, obviously. “ The child is in my lap, blowing the candles, and his parents are behind me. We’re all happy, and you can see that they trust me enough to hold the kid in front of the fire. “
“ It’s a nice picture. “ He says without thinking.
“ It was an even better memory. “ And Remus believes him, because the way his eyes shine while looking at it's not something you can make up. While he plays the deck with the others, Remus sees for a moment another picture of Sirius with James and it seems that Sirius does too, because it takes two seconds longer for him to put it away.
“ Okay. “ Trying to air the atmosphere, Remus returns to his end of the bench with his eyes on the sky, which drops immediately. “ Maybe you’re not a pedophile. “
“ 'Maybe?' "
“ Probably. “ Sirius rolls his eyes, bursting into a laugh. It’s not very loud, but at least it helps untie the knot in his stomach. “ I give you my vote of confidence, and tomorrow I will have to call McGonagall to confirm, but I will let you go.” Remus is spared the detail that the woman is unlikely to even bother to answer. In case he’s wrong, at least he’ll go scared. Then he stands up. “ I’m exhausted at this hour, so I hope I’m right. ”
Sirius follows his footsteps, and now that they’re face to face, Remus is a little ashamed of the difference in height that separates them (even with Sirius' thick boots) and unconsciously stands forward to hide his large size.
“ You got it. You’ll see how tomorrow I’ll give it back to you in one piece.”
“ I hope so, I don’t feel like having the police around now that I have successfully changed my identity. ” Remus wants to kick himself in the face, the sleep he has over him has made his filter of bullshit disappear. But luckily, Sirius is amused.
“ I say the same; now that I’ve got in your head, don’t go and call the police so that they will discover my basement full of children. ”
“ Nah, calm down, if you don’t rat me out I don’t say no mu. “ Together, they share a smile of complicity. A small one, but still.
“ Good. “
“ Good. “
Remus looks behind his back, and then turns to Sirius.
“ Well, in case you mess it up and they find me, I must create a new passport. Just in case. This time I think I’ll go to Denmark, the cold will make them go away. “ Sirius laughs again and Remus feels pressured to keep saying no sense to make him laugh for the rest of his conversations. “ But it won’t be done by itself, so I’m leaving. “
“ Yes, okay. “ It’s getting awkward. He doesn’t seem eager to move.
“ Good. “ Uncomfortably, Remus says goodbye with his hand, feeling stupid almost immediately. “ See you tomorrow. “
“ See you tomorrow, Professor. “ Remus starts to walk. “ I promise to be more punctual! “
He doesn’t answer, and a yawn slips again as he pulls out the keys of his car. Lately, he’s not having any very bright ideas, and maybe sleepy driving is the tip of the iceberg, but he’s not going to get on a bus (too many times he’s fallen asleep on one and someone ended up robbing him, just like on a subway or a taxi), and walking home is even more stupid. He’ll put on the music all the way up and pray to get home safely. Probably nothing will happen.
Probably.
With his feet pounding against the floor of the parking lot, Remus presses the button to open his car and locate it. There, alone and dampened with humidity, is his green Mercedes of the year the wheel was invented. Yawning again, he walks to it with his head on the clouds. When he arrives, he inserts the key and gets in. He throws his bag and jacket into the co-driver’s seat (since he can’t bear to drive with many layers, even if it’s freezing cold) and grabs the steering wheel, the key already placed in the ignition. And then, collapses.
His forehead crashes into the steering wheel and his eyes close on their own, like iron curtains. He tells himself to rest a few minutes before driving, and it may take too long to do so. Then, snatching away the sleep of a fright, the co-pilot’s glass is lightly knocked and Remus almost exits his body.
Holding his hands to his heart and feeling the throbbing tug of his belt around his body, he looks that way. The person responsible for the sound is Sirius, leaning towards the window with a smile and asking forgiveness for the impression. Harry still dead like a doll in his arms. Covering his face with his hands to calm down, Remus lowers the window enough to hear him.
“ Yes? “ Sirius lets out a nervous laugh.
“ This... first of all, I’m sorry for frightening you, I didn’t mean it. “ He wets his lips before continuing. “ I was going to propose to you… I mean... It’s late and it’s my fault that you’re still around and... Do you want me to drive you home? If you don’t want it’s okay, you have the right and the reasons to refuse it, but... you’re falling asleep and if you drive like that and something happens, I-I feel responsible, okay? You should have been home hours ago, and... well, if you do, I can make up for you staying with Harry late. “
This day is certainly being incredibly long and heavy, with things that would never have happened in the right way.
Remus pulls the thoughtful steering wheel. The truth is that the offer is not bad, and it’s certainly safer for everyone if someone else is behind the wheel.
“ How do you plan to go home after you do that? “ Remus asks, tempted to accept. Sirius' expression says he hadn’t thought of that part.
“ Where do you live? “ Remus tells him his address. “ Well... it’s not that far from our flat. We could drop Harry at home, it’s closer anyway, I’ll ask the neighbour to keep an eye on him just in case, and I’ll take you to your place. “
“ And you? “
“ I can walk back, you have nothing to worry about.”
Remus looks at his steering wheel again.
It’s not a good idea. It’s crazy to let his life (and his car) in the hands of a stranger.
But you know what?
Remus is too tired for any of it to matter the least, so with a sigh and loosening his belt he accepts.
† † †
If he’d been at his peak, Remus might be upset by Sirius' little driving habits, but since his brain is half off, some of them are even funny.
The street lights soften the contour of his face, and it’s quite obvious that he hasn’t taken the wheel for a while, but still manages to hid it incredibly well as the radio murmurs a very quiet version of Helena that the driver murmurs as he knocks the wheel with two fingers. Harry is lying in the back, between Remus' bags, his backpack and Sirius' helmet. It’s amazing how he hasn’t woken up with so much movement yet. Refusing to sleep when a stranger is driving his car, Remus looks at his student through the rear-view mirror from time to time, legs raised to the seat and one of them folded up, elbow leaning against the window and head on it.
They’ve been silent for 15 minutes, with only the radio in the background and a few curses from Sirius' mouth when he makes a wrong manoeuvre or the rest of the drivers seem to have forgotten how to drive.
“ You haven’t told me your name. “ And suddenly, with a rap song with a melody far from his taste, Sirius breaks the silence.
“ What? “ Taking off his face from his hand, Remus turns to him with a hoarse voice, his body close to shutting down. Sirius turns towards him for a moment, before regaining his concentration on the road.
“ Your name. “ He repeats with amusement. “ I don’t know what it is. ” Remus opens his mouth to refute that, but he finds he’s right. In the time they’ve known each other, Remus hasn’t even had the decency to present himself, even though Sirius has. As his mind realises this, his cheeks are filled with a pink so exaggerated that he fears he will glow in the dark.
“ Remus. “ He says, looking out the window. “ Remus Lupin. “
“ Remus . “ He can almost feel Sirius' smile when he vocalizes his name, even if he isn’t looking. “ Remus Lupin. “ Hearing it again makes Remus feel a chill. Well, that’s until his name turns into laughter. Somehow offended by the sudden change, he turns around.
“ What are you laughing at? ” His laugh becomes such that Sirius has to cover his mouth with one hand.
“ I’m sorry! I just... Did your parents seriously call you 'Raised by wolves, Wolf ' ? “ Sirius laughs more strongly, not with malice or mockery, but with real amusement. Remus turns red and preparing weapons for the counterattack, lowers his legs.
“ Are you going to take account of my name, Sirius Black ? “ Even returning the ball to his court, Sirius does not stop laughing and raises his index.
“ Hey, it’s Sirius Orion Black. “ This time Remus doesn’t take it to heart and puts a hand over his mouth. “ You have to say it in full for it to have effect.”
“ You're lying. “
“ I swear I'm not, because even if you don’t believe it, my name is the most normal in my whole family. The only generous gesture they ever gave me. “
“ Do you think they naming you Sirius is generous? Because the number of jokes I can think of with only half my mental capacity are- “
“ Infinite, I know. High school was hell, but I quickly learned to make it my slogan. “
“ Oh, really? “ Sirius nods.
“ Yep, that’s how it stopped being funny and came to an end. If I didn’t burn the joke, it didn’t matter how many times I explained that my name was in honor of the star, people would pass and use it as ‘seriously’. “
“ Well, if it serves you, my family is also very...original in the choice of names. “ Remus is leaning on his arm again. “ Fortunately for me, my companions were not educated enough to know what it meant, and only laughed at how strange it was. But then my parents go and call me John as a middle name. Which is like... “ Sirius’s laughter is contagious to him, and he finds it hard to speak. “ It’s like, I don’t know, the most basic name for a white man? But of course, it had to be second. Why make my life simple? “
“ Isn’t that right? It’s like, I know it’s family tradition to pick up a book older than stones and choose out a random word from there, mother , but please, my life would have been just as miserable with a basic name like Dylan. “
“ Or Ethan. “
“ Or Chad.”
“ Chad? Ew, let’s not go too far. “
“ Yes, I may have gone a bit too far with that.” The laughter begins to give way, and with them the end of the journey draws near. Sirius drives down a street that doesn’t even ring a bell to Remus.
“ I hope this isn’t too unusual. “ With the entrance to the new street, the conversation seems to go to a more serious side that requires Remus' attention, so he simply obeys and looks at him. “ Take you home, I mean. After all, you’re Harry’s teacher, I’m his tutor. Maybe it’s a little… “
“ It’s not inappropriate, if that’s what you mean. “ He interrupts hoping he hasn’t misunderstood. “ According to the rules of the center, – That I have hatched for fear of ignoring a rule of great importance and making a fool of myself.
– relations between teachers and parents are not prohibited unless they cause problems. “ Again, his mouth works faster than his head processes. If it wasn’t his car, Remus might just jump out of it right now. “ I mean, in case of a romance – I’m not implying a possible romantic relationship between us, that’s not what I mean , I wouldn’t imply that on our first meeting, rather on our first date – that I’m not saying we should go on a date, why should we? But I mean, if we did go out it would be fine as long as I was civilized and that, so even if that’s not the case -- because that’s not the case , we don’t even know each other -- A platonic relationship is allowed. “ The panic in his voice trying to fix his mess is leaving him breathless. “ Well, I know this isn’t a platonic relationship or anything – we haven’t known each other for more than four hours but in case - we can be friends if we want to be friends. Look, I’m not forcing you or anything, but- my point is , no, this is not inappropriate or weird. “ He pauses to catch his breath, the silence he has left behind making him look like a complete idiot. “ The only odd one here is me, so out of step, excuse me.” Remus is hiding behind his hands again. Oh, my goodness...
But again, Sirius laughs, and that makes Remus consider if he’s okay off the roof.
“ Excuse me! “ Clarifying for the other by covering his mouth again. “ I’m not mocking you it’s just- that’s been- “ Sirius looks away from the road. “ Where have you been all my life? “ The leap from his heart is even higher than the leap he gave when Sirius struck the window of his car. “ I have the feeling that we were meant to be good friends, I don’t know why.” With his eyes back on the road, his smile disappears again. “ I mean, if being friends is good for you and such, if it makes you uncomfortable- “
“ It’s all right. “ He hastens to say, looking down at his hands, his fingernails nailing into his skin. He wants to bang his head against the glass for sounding so desperate so hastily. He has known him for a day, and probably Sirius already knows that he’s a friendless loser with a loose mouth. Great . “ We can... we can be friends. “ You can almost see the relief of Sirius calming his body. That’s for his whirlwind of thoughts that shout at him that the other has regretted his proposal (which he has, but because he has sounded like a ten-year-old boy asking to be friends with a stranger, not for what it entails).
“ So it’s okay if I call you Remus? “ This nods, trying to undo the uncomfortable bundle that has become established with this last conversation full of insecurities and fears. “ You can call me Sirius in that case.”
“ Cool. “ Cool ? Remus, everything okay at home?
“ Cool. “ Sirius repeats, this time lower.
The rest of the journey takes place in complete silence, but this time the silence is pleasant and not dull enough for Remus to fall asleep.