Khun Nueng felt her phone vibrating in her back pocket, the screen said it was from her sister. She swiped the answer button and put the phone to her ear.
"Hello? Sam?" There was a momentary pause.
"It's not Sam, it's me." Khun Nueng heard the voice of her grandmother and rolled her eyes.
"Why are you using her phone?"
"Because I thought you would not pick up if I used my own."
"Well, at least that's something, very astute of you! Is Sam all right?"
"Yes, Sam is fine."
"All right, fine then. I'll hang up …"
"Please Nueng, I need to speak with you." Khun Nueng's brows creased.
"Why?"
"I need your help with …" Khun Nueng cut off her grandmother's voice and scoffed audibly, raising her own voice in disbelief.
"What could you possibly need my help with? You know everything! You are always right! So much that you don't listen to anything anybody else says to y …"
"I need your guidance." her grandmother pushed through Khun Nueng's rant.
Khun Nueng was confused and stunned into silence for a few moments.
"What? Guidance? Guidance about what?" There was a pause.
"About Sam …"
Again Khun Nueng scoffed audibly into the phone, unable to grasp what her grandmother was trying to do now, what scheme did she have up her sleeve, and what was she trying to accomplish.
"You already put your foot down about Sam, you wouldn't listen then and you're …"
"Please, I am trying to understand … and I need help to do so."
This conversation was uncomfortable for Khun Nueng, at best she normally kept talk with her grandmother as short as possible so she would not have to deal too much with the fallout of their confrontations. But right now, her grandmother was sounding different … softer, less pushy, less assertive, almost pleading. Khun Nueng softened her own tone slightly and decided that maybe she had better give her the benefit of the doubt.
"Why do you need my input? Why don't you just get in with one of your lackeys or relatives who are as old fashioned as …"
"Please Nueng … I'm asking you … no I'm begging you for your help."
Khun Nueng was shocked to the core. This was unprecedented. Her grandmother had never said anything even remotely like she was begging anybody for anything. It was just not a part of that woman's genetics. She wasn't entirely convinced by her grandmother, but her tone remained soft.
"Begging? Did you hit your head on something?" A brief pause.
"No. I am completely serious, I really want your input to help me to understand … some things." Khun Nueng sighed and tried to gather and sort her thoughts.
"Well I'll say one thing, I've never been so surprised in all my life. If for no other reason than that, I'll speak with you."
"Thank you. When can you come to the palace, could we have lunch today?"
Khun Neung tried testing some more to see how compliant her grandmother was really being.
"I'd rather meet somewhere outside the palace if you don't mind, um … what about that small restaurant we all used to go to when Song was still alive?"
"All right. If you wish. That sounds perfect, can I come and pick you up?"
"I'd prefer you didn't, meeting with you right now is more than enough for me, I'll find my way there myself." She heard her grandmother sigh through the phone.
"All right dear, I understand." Her grandmother paused. "I wish you didn't hate me so much."
In spite of herself, Khun Nueng could not resist biting back with a soft voice.
"You made it very easy, grandmother." Another brief pause, and a deep sigh.
"You can bait me, I won't rise to your barbs. I am not seeking to fight with you Nueng, I genuinely wish to learn, and try to understand."
Khun Nueng simply had no possible way of stopping herself from being antagonistic when it came to her grandmother. their interactions since she had been in her teens had always been strained at best, and at the worst they fought bitterly until the breaking point. But for the moment, she could not think of something to say, her guard was up completely, but her grandmother was using such alien language; trying to learn, trying to understand. In all her dealings over the years, Khun Nueng had never experienced anything other than dictatorial behaviour and the demand of obedience. So the confusion was profound as all her preconceived notions were thrown into disarray.
"Nueng?" her grandmother asked since Khun Nueng had gone silent for several seconds. Sighing in confusion, her brows were drawn together as she tried to make sense of what was happening.
"I am trying to …"
Khun Nueng was completely perplexed. Speaking to her grandmother the way she had been doing up until now, historically had pulled out the older woman's ire to where she became abusive and irrational, her dignity damaged by someone who she believed should pay respect to her elder and better, let alone her standing as a noblewoman. But right now she sounded … old … tired … sad … confused … something else …?
"Please Nueng."
"All right, I'll put away my knives for a while." she mumbled into the phone.
"Thank you dear. And in spite of how you feel about me, I have never stopped loving all my grand daughters … all of them."
Khun Neung didn't know how to respond to that statement, she didn't know how genuine it really was, but she kept her silence about her doubts.
"I will see you at lunch then grandmother. Sawadee kah." She hung up the phone without waiting for a response, and looked blankly at the screen for a few minutes. What on earth was up with the woman? Briefly she thought about their last blistering confrontation prior to this phone call.
"Don't tell me she has developed a soul and a conscience." she scoffed softly, and without coming to a definite conclusion about this phone conversation, she tried to return to her work. But she was so unsettled by her grandmother's words that she couldn't concentrate.
At last giving up and sighing to herself, she put down her paintbrush and palette, stood up and took off her paint spattered apron and went to the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea.
---
Khun Nueng walked along the pavement until she reached the restaurant. She had not been here since her sister had passed away, it held too many memories, and she Missed Khun Song all the time, so she would rather not go to places that opened up the wound in her heart at losing her. She looked over the facade and noted that it had not changed much. It brought a slight feeling of nostalgia, and an unexpected smile crept across her lips.
She entered the front of the restaurant, and her eyes had to adjust to the darker ambience inside, so she took off her sunglasses and perched them on top of her head. She scanned the room, then walked further inside under an archway into a second room. She saw her grandmother outside a large sliding door in a courtyard which was shaded by parasols and tall trees with huge elephant-ear shaped leaves. She was sitting at a small round wrought iron table, sipping tea from a China cup. Khun Nueng's stomach tightened involuntarily as she approached her grandmother but she had said she would talk with her, so she determined at least that she would keep her word about that. Everything else was up in the air from this moment onwards.
---
Khun Nueng sat down across the table from her grandmother. The grandmother who was in mid-sip of her tea, lowered the cup down and placed it precisely in the middle of the saucer.
"Thank you for coming Nueng." she said. "Do you want some tea?"
"No grandmother, I am not staying very long, I'm just here to … assist with whatever it is you need help with."
Lady grandmother nodded, a sad smile on her face. She looked down at her hands then and began speaking.
"I need help understanding this … the unnatural relationship Sam is in." she began.
"And already you have my hackles up with your preconceived notions. You aren't wanting any help, you have already formed your own opinion …" Khun Nueng began to rise from her chair.
"Please Nueng stop!" her grandmother tried to grab Khun Nueng's wrist, but she dodged the older woman's hand.
"I'm sorry. Please don't go."
Khun Nueng was furious, not with her grandmother because she expected nothing less, but furious with herself for believing even for an instant that the old crow could change.
"Please Nueng, I apologise, I didn't mean to make you angry."
OK, this was different, grandmother back pedaling? That never happened. So Khun Nueng stopped in her tracks.
"I … I spoke out of turn, I'm … I'm sorry. I will try to be more careful with what I say from now on."
Khun Nueng realised that she was breathing faster, her heart was racing, and her stomach was churning. This always happened speaking to her grandmother, because she always pushed Khun Nueng's buttons. She remained silent, jogging up and down on one foot nervously, willing herself to stay. It was challenging. With nostrils flared, niceties were over.
"Speak!" she said, her eyes flashing and her voice clipped.
Her grandmother was taken aback, this was a grandchild she had not seen before. Khun Nueng's anger was palpable. And it shook her, because she realised that Khun Nueng right now was actually frightening her.
"Please Nueng, sit down. I don't wish to talk in this way," she looked around at the tables nearby and noticed people were giving them uncomfortable looks. "It is unpleasant."
Khun Nueng, frustrated with the situation considered her position for some moments, and then eventually sat down again.
"So … speak." she re-iterated.
"I … I am trying to understand Sam's … relationship with this person."
Khun Nueng sat and considered for a few seconds.
"What is there to understand?" was her question.
Khun Nueng could see her grandmother searching through her vocabulary to say things in a way that didn't trigger an outburst.
"In my life, relationships between men and women was always considered normal, and anything else was considered not normal. I am just saying things from my own viewpoint but trying to say it in a way that maybe you can understand my feelings about this."
"I perfectly understand your feelings about it grandmother, I have no doubts about that. But the problem with you is that you see anything you do not approve of to be either wrong or unnatural. You do not approve of Sam being with another woman so you shut down and automatically cancel it. It's wrong, it's unnatural, it's not what you want."
Lady grandmother could not fault Khun Nueng's logic, so silently she nodded.
"And there lies the problem, because you think everything is about you and your wants. You never bother considering the feelings of anyone else but yourself."
"That's not true, I was trying to put Sam in a good position with a good man as a husband …"
"That she has no love for and never will."
"But it's not just about love."
"Isn't it?"
"Love is something which can come later."
"Nooo! Listen to yourself. Love is not something you learn."
"But in my day, love came afterwards, it was something that you learned to grow into."
"But that's in your day, not now, not today. Things have not been like that in the modern era for nearly a century."
"Are you saying I'm a hundred years old?"
"No I'm saying your thinking processes are, even older actually."
"But what is wrong with Kirk, what is wrong with my choice for Sam?"
"If it's your choice, YOU marry Kirk."
"Nueng!"
"You're talking about an arranged marriage, and that's not done any more."
"Yes it is. It's very common and has been …"
"Grandmother, are you going to argue with me or listen?"
"I … uhm …"
"You're bargaining Sam into a loveless marriage with a man she does not want, who has no place in her heart. And you're doing it not because it's the right thing to do but because it's a status acquisition and a financial decision, it has absolutely nothing to do with love. And you're doing it, not for Sam, but for yourself, for the bloodline."
Lady grandmother again had no real argument, because Khun Nueng had not spoken any untruth. She'd said exactly what she said because it was the truth. She looked at Khun Nueng and her chin quivered.
"A human heart is not something you bargain or trade with like property, Sam has found the one person she wants to be with. Forcing her to be with Kirk is like forcing her to stop breathing."
The grandmother thought briefly and tried another angle.
"Isn't this just Sam being rebellious?"
Khun Nueng looked at her, again letting her annoyance come out in her voice.
"What are you talking about?"
"That she is trying to show me she can be independent and make decisions on her own, even if I disagree with her?"
"No! Why would you even think that? Sam is following her heart, something that you would understand if you had one." Khun Nueng said without malice as if it was just a fact.
"But it's another woman."
"And where is the problem with that?"
"My marriage was arranged by my parents." she said again as if that explained everything.
"That does not make it right."
"But it worked out in the end, after some time I learned to love him."
"Again! You learned to love him? Love isn't something you can learn, If you learned to love someone, I would debate you have no idea what love really is. It's not a skill or something you can pick up along the way. Love just is."
"But it's not normal."
Khun Nueng had almost had enough of the old woman's talk. She pointed rudely at her grandmother.
"TO YOU!." She said, her voice raised. Lady grandmother with a look of panic used her hands as signals to try to calm Khun Nueng down and not raise her voice.
"Step outside your comfortable little box for a moment and think this through. Is there really anything wrong? Is love between two people wrong? Regardless of gender? Love itself is the answer. Love IS what it is, and it cannot be defined by boundaries or preconceived notions. The fact that you have trouble with accepting it is YOUR problem, not mine, not anybody else's, and it certainly is not theirs. They cherish each other with such affection that it blinds me."
"But … but isn't it just that, affection?"
Khun Nueng's voice became softer as she considered her answer.
"No. It's so much more than that, what they share is amazing. She is my youngest little sister but I envy her so much, she has what I want and probably can never have." Her eyes sparkled as she spoke, and her grandmother could see that. "A love so deep that you care for someone's life more than your own. That is true love in the most fundamental sense. It transcends boundaries like gender."
"I have trouble coming to grips with it." said Lady grandmother weakly, defeat evident in her voice.
"I know that, and there is the problem, the only person having an issue with this is you. Try to open your mind to the possibility. There's nothing complicated about it."
"I don't know …" Khun Nueng became impatient since the old woman was just going around in circles.
"If you're just going to sit there and argue about it, I don't know why I bothered to come here or to believe that you could change or grow a heart. You asked for my advice, I have given it to you. Really listen to what I am saying instead of telling yourself you cannot deal with it. Listen properly, with both ears, and remember, and take it to heart. If you don't, you will just talk yourself into ignoring all that I have said."
"Nueng, I am trying so hard to understand, but my generation is … old, and there is a certain way of the world to which I am accustomed to."
"Then throw that out the window, some of your ideas about the way of the world are outdated and are no longer relevant. Try to have an original thought and don't let yourself be dictated to by ideals which haven't had a place in the world for a hundred years."
Khun Nueng finally at her last drop of patience, stood up.
"I am done talking. You will either heed my words and allow Sam to be with the one she wants to be with, or you will not. the choice is yours."
"My last words on this, and REALLY pay attention to them grandmother." Khun Nueng emphasized the word. "Trust Sam. Trust that she knows her own heart and trust that the girl she loves is the same. Sam is smart and she is warm and she is so deeply in love with someone who feels the same way. If you keep doing what you have been doing, you will lose Sam as well, either she will leave, or she will die. Either way, you will have lost all three of us, by your own short-sighted and stubborn choices."
"I'm going now, I leave you to think about making the decision that really is best for her, instead of what you think is best for her. Let Sam live. Let her live the way she wants to live, by her own choices."
Khun Nueng left the table and walked out of the restaurant leaving Lady grandmother with her own thoughts.