i don't want to be your muse

This was by far the most bizarre Wednesday morning Remus had ever had. He had been sharply awoken at about eight in the morning by the loud buzzing of his phone, which had made him want to bang his head against a wall until he noticed it was a phone call. No one called Remus - unless you counted his doctor and his mother, both of whom would not call him at eight in the morning on a day he didn’t work. He fumbled with it, trying to firmly hold on to his phone so it wouldn’t fall on his face, and saw it was Sirius who was calling. 

That was his first sign it was going to be an odd morning. 

He answered, only to hear a very panicked sounding Sirius, who muttered something about needed to head out soon, and something about a train station, and after some soft, calming words from Remus, she explained that she couldn’t go to the station alone, but James was visiting Lily’s family, and she didn’t know who else to call and he quickly agreed to meet her there, already getting dressed. 

Remus had never heard her sound this distressed before, and even if he was certain he was going to be a useless emotional support companion, he would be better than no companion.

All of which led to Remus having a tight grip of Sirius’ hand, as she chewed her nails, her eyes darting around the train station with such speed, Remus worried she would make herself sick; all of this at nine in the morning. Sirius had briefly explained that she was meeting her brother, but that still didn’t answer all the questions that ran through Remus’ mind.

But it wasn’t the time for him to ask his questions. 

Remus didn’t think a simple ‘it will be okay’ would have the comfort he wanted it to; he didn’t know what it was that made Sirius this concerned. 

“Sirius!” A voice called. Remus snapped his head toward it as Sirius dropped his hand, rushing to a man Remus knew was her brother. The man had a striking resemblance to Sirius, though he was slighter, smaller, and his hair was shorter, dishevelled in a way that made Remus wonder if he had slept in the past few days. 

Regulus clutched to Sirius; his knuckles white against Sirius’ jacket as he held on for dear life. Remus watched as Sirius soothed her brother, brushing her fingers through his hair as he rested against her shoulder; that was when Remus pieced it together. 

Regulus had run away. 

From what, or who, Remus didn’t know, and it truly wasn’t his place to ask, but seeing Regulus only reminded him of a young child: of someone Remus felt an indescribable urge to help and protect. It was the strangest feeling; one Remus had only had for his youngest cousins.

He stood to the side, allowing the siblings to have their time, and not wanting to intrude on their moment; he only stepped toward them when Sirius threw out a hand, seeming surprised to find Remus not at her side. “I didn’t want to overstep,” he told her as she laced her fingers with his, gripping as tight as before Regulus arrived. 

Sirius let out a shaky laugh, one arm still clutching Regulus to her shoulder. “Thank you.” She directed her attention back to Regulus. “Should we head on over to mine then?” and Remus watched Regulus’ back rise and fall as he took a deep breath. 

“Please,” he replied, his voice harsher then Remus would have imagined it to be. 

As the three began their journey, Remus nudged Sirius’ shoulder, raising an eyebrow to ask if she was alright. Sirius smiled weakly, squeezing Remus’ hand to assure him. 

It didn’t work. 

Remus furrowed his eyebrows. Her smile fading, Sirius sighed, leaning toward Remus who tried his best to offer non-verbal comfort, rubbing his thumb in circles over her hand. It seemed to work - a little bit that is. 

He hadn’t noticed Regulus, watching the two with narrow eyes and a smirk, until he kicked Sirius’ ankles. “Are you going to introduce me to your friend?” he asked, having noticed the sombre tone between them.  Regulus raised an eyebrow as Sirius turned bright pink. 

Biting back a laugh, Remus smiled at Regulus. “Remus,” he offered, and Regulus’ eyes widened before his smirk grew wider. 

“So this is Remus,” Regulus marvelled. “This one talks about nothing else; I assure you,” he joked, nodding toward Sirius who glared back. “It’s always either you or James.”

“I talk about more than that,” Sirius insisted, puffing her cheeks. 

Remus grinned. “Am I really that interesting?” he asked, leaning toward Sirius whose blush had turned from pink to red. 

“Maybe,” Sirius muttered, making Remus chuckle. 

Regulus seemed to disagree. “I’m rather bored of you I’m afraid,” he replied. “It’s a shame, because I’ve never met you until now.”

Remus couldn’t help but laugh, and he noticed Regulus’ shoulders relax. “I’d be boring either way, don’t worry,” he said, running a hand through his hair. 

“You are not boring Remus,” Sirius insisted, seeming offended on Remus’ behalf. 

“Cariad,” Remus said, using his free hand to tuck her hair behind her ear. “I work in a bookshop, most days I do nothing but read, I can count the number of people I speak to on my hands,” he chuckled, raising an eyebrow. “I am boring, but I’m allowed to be.”

“It’s almost as if you want to be boring,” Sirius muttered, back, looking as if she might pout. 

It took everything within Remus not to collapse into a fit of laughter. “Perhaps I do, fy nghariad.”

She stuck her tongue out, turning back to Regulus. “Rude.”

“As adorable as this is,” Regulus interrupted, a look in his eyes that seemed akin to relief. “I’m rather tired, so if we could pick up the pace.”

Sirius rolled her eyes. “Because we will indeed, cater to your every whim.”

Regulus sniffed. “Perfect.”

Sirius rolled her eyes again, brushing her hair from her face. “Sod off.”

“No, you sod off,” Regulus retorted. Remus knew then and there that Regulus was definitely related to Sirius. That childish pettiness reminded him of nothing else. “Do you still live with James?” he asked, and Sirius blinked, almost slowing her pace. 

“I do,” she said slowly. “Is that okay?”

Regulus flexed his fingers. “For a few days,” he nodded. “But I think I’d better find a hotel for a while after that.”

Before Remus could ask, Sirius turned toward him. “A complicated history goes back to being idiotic fifteen-year-olds and having a dodgy upbringing,” she explained, and Remus was left with more questions. 

He kept his mouth shut. 

Regulus chuckled. “Complicated is an odd way of saying he’s an ex, Sirius,” he replied, raising an eyebrow.

Sirius threw her hands in the air. “I didn’t know if you were okay with me telling Remus that! Sibling code and all that, you know?” she grinned, and Regulus rolled his eyes. 

Instead of replying to his sibling, Regulus turned to Remus. “It didn’t end well, the sort of ending where you tend to reminisce on what would have happened had you been a little older and wiser,” he sighed, a soft smile tugging at his mouth. “It’s more complex because we’re both family to Sirius.”

“This is why you don’t date your sibling’s best friend,” Sirius jokes, shaking her head and earning an elbow to the stomach from Regulus. 

“We were fifteen, we didn’t think our relationship would blow up as it did,” Regulus insisted, thwacking Sirius on the head as she tried to elbow him back. “Like every fifteen-year-old, we thought we were going to last forever,” he shrugged. “Anyway, it makes living with him rather awkward, I must say.”

All Remus could do was nod. “I have heard he’s a rather loud roommate.”

Regulus snorted, and Remus hoped he hadn’t said something idiotic. “I’ve no doubt.”

“I accept no James Potter slander in my presence,” Sirius proclaimed, glancing between the two of them with a scowl. 

Remus cast a glance at Regulus. “So when should we schedule our slander?”

Regulus hummed. “I’m free for the foreseeable future, running from home tends to free one's schedule.”

“You’re both dead to me.”

Regulus and Remus shared matching grins.

-----

It was abysmally warm. The sort of warmth that has a smell that’s impossible to get out of the floorboards, and has a humid feeling that leaves the lungs feeling damp and heavy; where the streets don’t quite feel right, and the pavement is paler than it should be, shimmering as the sun climbs higher and higher. The feeling of summer was impossible to escape, especially in the city; cars bumbled along and people would try to cling to the last of the shade before ducking into a nearby building, where the heat wouldn’t be much better - the UK is truly not made for warm days. 

Remus was sitting in the kitchen - in Sirius and James’ kitchen - drinking tea and wishing he’d chosen iced coffee instead, but he didn’t know if the two had ice, and he thought it might be rude to root through their freezer. He’d opened the window when he woke, choosing to revel in the short moments of cool air that would fly by. 

It was an accident that he was here so early. He had been watching a film with Sirius (something about castles and pirates and airships), when the next thing he knew, the sun was rising, and Sirius was nowhere to be found. Remus didn’t doubt that they’d decided to sleep on the sofa, or perhaps with James. 

There was always the chance that they’d decided to visit Regulus, but Remus sort of hoped Sirius wouldn’t walk by themselves in the middle of the night to his hotel without so much as a text message… 

He sighed, deciding that was most likely exactly what Sirius had done; he hoped Regulus was okay.

There was a soft rustle by the window, and Remus almost didn’t hear the jingling of keys by the door. 

Sirius appeared in the doorway, not noticing Remus and trying their best to close the door without a sound. 

“Morning,” Remus smiled, biting back a grin when Sirius jumped, dropping their keys. 

Sirius shook their head, a hand over their heart. “Bloody, fuck Remus,” they grinned, letting out a breathless laugh. “I didn’t know if you’d still be here,” they admitted, rubbing the back of their neck.

Remus shrugged, putting his tea on the counter. “I hope you don’t mind.”

“I’d never mind,” Sirius said softly, putting their keys in the bowl by the door. “Been up long?”

“Almost an hour,” Remus mumbled, trying and failing not to yawn. “The heat’s not helping me wake up,” he joked, eyebrows furrowing when he noticed Sirius’ frown. “Is everything alright? You went to see Regulus right? Is he okay?” he asked, unable to stop himself.

“I’m leaving,” Sirius blurted, their eyes wide as if it surprised them that they said it.

Remus blinked. “Leaving?”

“Reg and I,” they began, pulling at their sleeves. “When we were kids we had this fantasy of escaping home and running to the south of France, and well… Reg needs some time away from the family - truly away from them - and that means out of the country, and we always wanted to go to France, so he picked France and I can’t let him go by himself, not after what happened back home so-”

“You’re moving to France,” Remus finished for them, his fingers feeling numb. “You’re moving… to France,” he repeated, as if to verify the words with himself. 

He felt rather light-headed. 

“Mum just keeps sending him letters, and trying to call him,” Sirius explained further, as if they needed to justify it to Remus. “It’s only a matter of time until she decides to come to Manchester and neither of us want to see her, neither of us can see her, really,” they continued to ramble. Remus wondered if he could find the words to tell Sirius that he wasn’t owed an explanation. “Last time I saw her I couldn’t leave my room for three days - James was actually rather concerned with that - and I-”

“Sirius,” Remus interrupted, his voice barely above a whisper, but it was enough for them to pause. “You’re rambling,” was all he said. 

With an internal slap to the face, Remus wished he’d said anything else, as Sirius went bright red. 

“Sorry,” they mumbled, laughing to themselves. “You know, I promised myself I wouldn’t.”

“It’s okay, cariad,” Remus smiled, their conversation not having sunk in yet. For a brief moment, Remus considered moving to France with them - though that was a mere second of fantasy, it wasn’t something he could do; his whole life was here: his parents, Lily, his work. He understood this city, even if at times he hated the very concrete it was built on. 

He couldn’t leave.

Sirius couldn’t stay.

That was when it seemed to hit Remus at full force, his knees wobbling to such an extent, Sirius reached out, as if to catch him should he fall. 

“France,” was all he said as his eyes glanced over Sirius’ face. 

They nodded. “I wanted you to know,” Sirius shrugged, refusing to look Remus in the eyes. 

“Do you know if you’ll be back?” Remus asked, trying his best to keep his voice steady - he was failing. 

Sirius shook their head. “I mean, we need to wait for everything to settle, for my mum to realise that Reggie isn’t coming back, and I want to move back one day,” they said, pulling at their hair. “But that might be in a year, it might be in ten, it might be even longer,” they continued, their voice getting quieter with each word. 

“But we can stay in touch right?” Remus asked, trying to grasp at anything he could. 

Sirius smiled. “Of course we will, but ten years is a long time, Remus, and - well - things happen and I just…”

“You’re one of the few people who make me feel special,” Remus said, feeling a sharp stabbing in the backs of his eyes. “You make me feel like I live the most exciting life; I’m not about to forget you, Sirius.”

“I know,” Sirius nodded, chewing on their lip as if they couldn’t find the words they wanted to express. “I care about you too much to want to forget you.”

Remus blinked, a sombre understanding washing through him. “If you forget about me, you’ll break my heart,” he joked, though it had no life in it.

“God, you have bad timing,” Sirius laughed, pressing the heels of their hands into their eyes. 

“Remus Lupin, master of bad timing,” he added, wishing his brain would do anything other than crack jokes. He felt as if a part of his soul was fracturing; his limbs were heavy and he wasn’t sure if his headache was due to his fatigue or Sirius, or maybe both. How could his heart ache for something he never had? He felt as if he was sitting in a dead forest in the middle of June; his skin feeling itchy and irritated, his throat dry. All he wished for was to stay with Sirius, however they would have him, but now he wanted to protest; he wanted to keep Sirius here.

Yet he couldn’t, and that was when he felt nauseous. 

“You don’t only break someone’s heart romantically,” Sirius muttered under their breath. 

Remus felt his breath catch on the lump in his throat. “What?” he managed to ask. 

Sirius laughed, wiping at their eyes. “It’s something Lily said to me, not that long ago.” They looked as if they were one step away from breaking down, and Remus knew he couldn’t fix it. “I suppose this is the feeling she meant.”

“We never did get to the romantic stuff,” Remus joked, and the two laughed; although Remus couldn’t find it within himself to let go of their hand. 

“Do you think we would have?” Sirius asked, not even trying to hide their tears now. 

Remus couldn’t help it, but he laughed; if he didn’t, he was certain he’d cry. “Absolutely,” he grinned, his vision blurry. “God Sirius, I think falling in love with you would have been the easiest thing I’d ever done.”

Sirius let out a startled laugh, shoving the sleeves of their jacket into their eyes. “Don’t say that,” they said softly, shoulders shaking. “If you do, I’m not sure I’ll leave.”

“Good,” Remus whispered. “Maybe that’s my plan.”

Sirius shook their head. “Remus, I have to go.”

Remus felt his shoulders tense. “I know,” he managed to reply, his vision blurry again. “I know you do, cariad.”

A hand reached out, resting against Remus’ cheek. “I’ve been falling in love with you slowly each day, and every moment with you I began to understand a better part of myself.” Sirius took a step closer. “You, Remus, are the most wonderful memory I could ever ask for: one that I’ll cherish; a memory I wish I could live and bask in,” they leaned forward, resting their forehead against Remus’; both with tear-stained cheeks. “But I can’t.”

There was an unspoken ‘sorry’ that followed Sirius’ words. “I know,” Remus repeated, feeling like a broken radio. “But I’d rather we didn’t have to survive on memories. It’s selfish of me, but I hate losing the chance of more time with you” He ran a hand through his hair, feeling a panic rising in his chest. “I’ve only begun to know you, and you’ve only just begun to know me, and now… I never thought it would all be so fragile.”

“Then I suppose I’ll have to promise to love you until we meet again, in this life, or the next,” Sirius smiled, pressing their lips to Remus’ temple. “Afterall, there’s so much I’ve yet to learn about you.”

“I’ll wait,” Remus said, almost too quickly. “I’ll wait however long it takes.”

Sirius simply smiled again, this one seeming forced. “I know you will.” Remus reached out to wipe at Sirius’ tears. “And a part of me wishes you wouldn’t waste that time waiting for me.”

But Remus meant every word. 

He had an entire lifetime to wait.