To Ashes

The sun was high overhead by the time Lily left the Hospital Wing. It was only as she was passing through the doors that she realized someone must have spelled the blood from her clothes, but as she trudged down the halls she could still feel it between her fingers. 

A headache settled right between her eyebrows as she entered the Great Hall. Lily had hoped for a moment alone to eat and think, but in a moment of poor luck and accidental eye contact she found herself sitting between Mary and Dorcas. Marlene was sitting across from her, frowning slightly at the way Lily was mechanically shoving food into her mouth without a word.

“Are you still coming to the library with us, Lils?” Mary asked as she reached for the butter.

“The library?” Lily echoed.

“To finish that Ancient Runes essay? I just need another foot of parchment.”

With great mental effort, Lily dragged up a fuzzy memory of agreeing to spend the afternoon with the girls in the library. They’d made the plan yesterday, but to Lily it seemed like years had passed in the interim. 

“I may have to skiv off today.” Lily murmured. 

“Are you alright?” Marlene was studying her in a way that made Lily shift uncomfortably in her seat. She’d always been a terrible liar.

“Yeah, just didn’t sleep well last night.” Not a lie. “I may go lie down.”

“You look pale, are you sure you’re alright?” 

She reassured them another three times that she was indeed alright before standing to leave, gently shooing them off as they tried to accompany her back to the dorms. She made it nearly all the way out of the hall before James came hurrying through the doors. He looked as tired as she felt. On another day, she might’ve fretted over the purpled rings of exhaustion stamped underneath his eyes, but she knew they matched her own. Lily pointedly ignored him, anger flaring in her stomach as she made to push past.

James had other ideas. His hand closed around her elbow at the moment she drew even with him and Lily wrenched it away without thinking, violently enough that heads all around them turned in surprise. James reeled back as well, looking guilty, but he didn’t let go. Lily pasted a bright smile on her face for the onlookers before turning stiffly to face him.

“What?” She hissed, and from the way he flinched Lily knew that he could see the warning in her bared teeth.

“Can we talk?” He pleaded softly. “Please?”

She relented, if only because people were still staring. 

It was a tense walk to the tower. James hovered about two steps behind her the entire way, as if afraid to drift too close again. Lily refused to look at him, the whole time her mind reeling. How had she missed what was right in front of her? How long had they been lying? Once or twice she heard him clear his throat as if to say something, only for him to bite it back.

Lily pretended not to see Peter wave to them as they traipsed through the common room, but she overheard James whisper that they needed the dorm for a moment as she stomped up the stairs.  

The door slammed shut behind them, and even through her blood rush of anger Lily remembered to lock it and silence the room. 

“It’s not that bad -” James started, palms spread in supplication, but whatever he was about to say was lost in Lily’s shriek of frustration.

“Not that bad?” She yelled. “Not only did you convince your underage friends to become illegal animegi with you, but you all willingly put yourself in the path of a turned werewolf under the full moon and take him out of the shack.” 

“Remus isn’t dangerous.” James snapped, voice rising to match hers.

“Of course Remus isn’t, but you know as well as I do how little control werewolves have when they’re turned.”

“He’s not a monster!” James yelled, hands fisting at his sides.

“Don’t put words in my mouth you bastard.” A damning finger shook at his face.

“But that’s what you’re saying. That he’s a monster, dangerous just for existing.” His mouth was twisted into a snarl she’d never seen on his face before, not even in their worst fights. 

Something about him looked different, and it was only now that James revealed to her their secret that she could pinpoint what it was. The stag. She could see it hovering behind James’s face, unwilling to leave, the wildness still clinging to him.  

She shook her head frantically, breath catching in her throat. “No. No it’s not. I just can’t - it’s not coming out right.” James seemed to know what she meant and dropped back, waiting, eyes wary. Lily took a deep breath.

“I just mean, what if one day you got it wrong?” Her voice was anguished, shaking, but she couldn’t keep it even. “Snape lived, but you might not be so lucky next time. Don’t you know what they would do to Remus if that happened?”

James visibly paled, but held his ground. “It’s so much worse when he’s alone, Lily. Don’t you remember how weak and pale he used to be? In pain all the time?” Lily opened her mouth but shut it again, pained. She did remember. 

“You must’ve all thought he was just a sickly boy,” James continued, “but it was the moon. He never had enough time to fully recover before the next moon took him.”

“You’re putting him in danger. And yourselves.” 

“My friend was hurting,” he said softly, “how could I not do everything I could for him?” He was genuinely asking her, but Lily found she didn’t have an answer.

“Ugh.” She rubbed her eyes, wiping away unshed tears with the back of her hand. “Why do you always have to be so good all the time?”

“I- huh?” He blinked at her, seemingly suspicious of a trap.

“You just,” she threw her hands up, “you’re so loyal. Should’ve been a fucking Hufflepuff.”

James snorted, and the tension finally eased, just the tiniest bit. But Lily wasn’t quite ready to smile.

“It doesn’t matter how smart you all are, or how talented. All it takes is one mistake, one lapse in attention or judgment, for everything to fall apart.” 

“I know.” James said softly. Lily could see on his face he wasn’t going to stop. None of them would. She could choose to live with it, or to turn her back right then and there, which meant it wasn’t really a choice at all.

“Will Remus forgive him?”

James’s calm manner faded, replaced by an uneasy frown, because there was nothing any of them could do that James wouldn’t forgive. They both knew that Remus wasn’t James. “I don’t know.” 

“Can I wait here with you? For Remus to come back?” James nodded, sitting down on the side of his bed and patting the mattress beside him. Lily released her silencing and locking charms and joined him. Peter came back up eventually, and they talked about things that didn’t really matter, skirting around the topic taking up all the air in the room. As they let the conversation drift Lily started to feel the effects of her sleepless night, and as her eyelids started to droop James nudged her shoulder. 

“You can sleep for a bit. I’ll wake you when he’s back.”

She shook her head. “I’m alright.”

“None of that,” he said firmly, “lay down.” 

She opened her mouth to argue but a yawn made its way out instead. James grinned in triumph. Grumbling to herself, Lily toed off her shoes and stretched out in his bed. It didn’t take long for sleep to start pulling her under, and as darkness closed in she felt the blanket being pulled over her shoulders. 

The first thing she became aware of was someone smoothing her hair back from her face, their thumb gently sweeping over her cheekbone.

“Lily?”

“Hmph.” She was lingering between sleep and wakefulness, until finally a warm hand shook her shoulder and tugged her out of her dream. Her eyes finally cracked open, reality swimming up to meet them. James was bent over her, shaking her gently. He smiled as she eased herself into a sitting position. Lily could still feel his fingers in her hair.

“Did I miss him?” She asked blearily. 

“See for yourself.” He answered, nodding his head toward the door. 

Lily looked over to see Remus standing in the middle of the room, bruised and cut up and exhausted. Suddenly wide awake, she jumped up from the bed and darted over, wrapping him in the gentlest hug she could manage to avoid hurting his aching bones. He allowed it for a moment and then slipped out of her arms. 

“I’m sorry for what happened last night.” He started, voice hoarse like his throat had been scraped bloody. “You shouldn’t have had to deal with that.” 

“It wasn’t your fault.” Lily said softly, anxiously searching his face as if it held the answers to all her questions.

“It is, at least partially, but-” he shuddered, “Sirius is the one who put us all in that position.” 

In the back of her mind, Lily marveled yet again at how their friends didn’t see the truth of Remus and Sirius, at how James and Peter were completely deaf to the raw grief coating each syllable. 

“Sirius-” James started tentatively, but Remus cut him off.

“Is dead to me.” 

Peter gasped. Lily closed her eyes against the horrible, empty look on Remus’s face. It was the look of a man who’d just cut half of himself away. 

“I don’t care if you all decide to stay friends with him,” Remus continued, “but he’s nothing to me now. Not a friend, not-.” The sentence ended abruptly, his voice choking around the words.  

“He betrayed me to a degree I never believed he was capable of.” He said finally, after struggling for a moment. “There’s no coming back from that.”

“What happened with Dumbledore?” Peter asked after a beat of heavy silence, his voice apologetic even as he voiced what they were all wondering. Remus sighed.

“I’m not expelled. No one is. It was, I don’t know, an odd conversation.”

“Well,” James heaved a weary sigh, “that’s that.” He ran a hand through his hair, and Lily found herself wishing she could smooth the wayward strands. 

“Do you need a sleeping draught Remus? Or something for the pain?” Lily asked softly. 

“I deserve the pain.” He muttered, not meeting her eyes. 

“Well,” Lily said with forced lightness, “I’ll just bring some to leave by your bed if you change your mind.” She put her shoes back on and slipped out the door with a final squeeze of his arm. 

On her way to her dormitory she nearly trod on a shadowed figure huddled against the wall.

“GAH, what the- oh. Sirius, what’re you doing there?”

He didn’t answer her, just shrugged, his shoulders slumped. Lily studied him for a moment, before making a decision and hauling him to his feet.

“Merlin, I didn’t know you were that strong.”

“Come with me, you giant twat.”

Lily expected an argument, but he followed her dutifully to her room. Mary and Marlene were still at the library but Dorcas was reading on her bed, a fact Lily didn’t absorb until she heard the strangled shriek coming from across the room.

“Oh, sorry Dorcas. D’you mind if Sirius and I have a moment alone? I need to talk to him about something.” 

Dorcas didn’t respond, just stared Sirius with some odd mix of strangled amazement and horror that he was in the girls’ room.

“We’re not about to shag, if that’s what worries you.” Sirius said flatly. Lily tried and failed to smother a laugh as Dorcas flushed an impressive red.

“Right, yeah, sorry I’ll clear out. I’m supposed to meet Felicity to study anyway.” She gathered her things quickly and scurried out, an uncertain ‘goodbye’ sent over her shoulder to Lily as she left.

Lily turned to Sirius and pointed at her bed. “Sit, please.” He obeyed, sinking heavily into her mattress as she rifled through her trunk for all the potions she’d brewed and saved for these exact occasions. Head buried in the trunk, she heard him sigh wearily.

“You’ve really cocked it up this time, my lad.” She finally snatched up a few sleeping potions and another few for pain management, moving to sit beside him on her bed. 

He passed a hand wearily over his face. “I know.”

“What were you thinking, Sirius?” 

“I wasn’t. I did something rash and stupid and he’ll never forgive me.” He flopped back on the bed with a groan. Lily wanted to say that Remus might forgive him, but she bit it back. The look on Remus’s face hadn’t been promising. 

“And anyway, that’s not why I feel so terrible. He-” Sirius had to take a steadying breath, but Lily could still hear his voice shaking, “-he’s the one person who’s ever loved me like that, Lil. Completely. And I broke his trust. And James’s and Pete’s. And yours.”

Lily took a moment to lay back beside him, shoulder to shoulder.

“I wish I had the right thing to say.” She said softly. He managed a ghost of a smile that stretched across his face like broken glass.

“S’okay. It’s not every day your mate sets his werewolf boyfriend on a student. Well, ex, I guess.” He glanced over at the small collection of bottles she’d unearthed from her trunk.

“You should go take those to Remus, he’ll be needing them.”

Lily nodded. “You can hide here, if you like, I’ll come up with some story to tell the girls. I’ll leave you a sleeping draught.”

He nodded absently. “It’s been a long time since I’ve slept alone.” 

Lily stood, resting her palm over the crown of his head a moment, trying to convey all of her feelings with that one touch. From the watery smile he gave her in return, she felt he understood. 

James had left their door ajar for her. She slipped inside to find Remus asleep inside a swath of blankets on his bed. Peter had disappeared to shower, and James was sitting on the edge of his own bed, watching over Remus’s slumber with a frantic look in his eyes. 

Lily set the potions gently on Remus’s nightstand, pausing a moment to take inventory of his many cuts and scrapes. She gave in to the urge to gently push a stray strand of hair out of his eyes and adjusted his blankets. She straightened, a question for James on her lips, but the thought died as she turned to see tears starting to drip down his cheeks. Just a few, as he sat with his elbows on his knees and his shaking hands steepled in front of his face, brows furrowed against the tears as if he resented their disobedience. 

Whatever Lily had wanted to say was lost as she crossed the room in two short strides, stepping between his knees to wrap her arms as tightly as she could manage around his shoulders. He stiffened for a second, but another heartbeat passed and he seemed to melt against her, his face buried in her neck as he wound his own arms around her waist.

Lily felt him start to shake, silent but hard sobs wracking his body as his tears dampened her collar. She knew he’d push her away in embarrassment in a moment, even though she didn’t care, but he hadn’t slept in over twenty four hours and Lily could see that with the constant fear and stress of the last day he’d reached a breaking point. She just rested her chin on the top of his head and let him crumble.

It didn’t last long, he wrung himself dry of tears and pulled away from her hastily, his face flushed and damp. He rubbed his eyes angrily, muttering a tired apology without managing to meet her eyes. 

“You were right,” he croaked, voice scratchy with tears, “we could’ve lost him.”

“I think you need one of the sleeping draughts as well.” She said firmly, untangling herself gently from his arms to fetch one from Remus’s bedside. 

“I don’t need -”

“No arguing.” She cut off his protests, pressing it into his hand while fixing him with her most Pomfrey-like glare. He sighed and nodded.

“Can,” she hesitated a moment, “can I sleep here tonight? Sirius is hiding for the night in my bed.”

James’s eyebrows shot up so she hurried to continue. “Or I can sleep in Sirius’s bed, I just want to give him some space and -”

“No, it’s okay.” He interrupted her anxious tirade. “Go change and then we can go to bed.” Something crackled in her chest at his use of ‘we’.

“Fuck,” she hissed suddenly, startling him out of nowhere, “I need to warn them all that Sirius is in our room.”

James managed to laugh through his exhaustion, and tugged their map out of its hiding place. 

“Looks like Mary and Marlene are just about back to the common room,” he said slowly, peering down at all the little roaming dots, “and Dorcas is with them. You can intercept them before they get to the stairs.”

Lily dashed out, nearly knocking into her roommates as she tumbled down the stairs.

“Hi.” She said breathlessly. “I need a favor from the three of you.”

The three of them echoed her hello with quizzical looks on their faces. 

“Sirius is knocked out in my bed, d’you mind if he sleeps there tonight?”

“In our room?” Marlene was baffled. Lily decided a sliver of truth was the best option.

“He and Remus are having a row. He won’t bother you, he took a sleeping draught.”

“One of yours?” Mary asked, “Or one of Pomfrey’s?”

“Mine.” Lily smiled. “He’ll be out until tomorrow morning.”

“But where will you sleep?” Dorcas was frowning, but Lily saw the shadow of a smirk ghost over Mary’s face.

“I’m sure Lily will find somewhere to curl up.” Marlene grinned as Mary muffled a snort. 

Lily was correct and Sirius was sound asleep. She pulled the curtains around him gently before readying herself for sleep, pointedly ignoring the looks Marlene and Mary were sending each other. 

The door was still ajar, and when she crept back inside Peter had returned and was sitting up in bed. He balked as she closed the door behind her, but neither she nor James felt like explaining, so she shrugged in response. Peter thankfully let it go, and whispered a curious ‘goodnight’ before pulling his curtains. The room was much darker than when she’d left, and Lily squinted at the ground to make sure she didn’t trip over any stray shoes or items of clothing as she picked her way across the floor.

She sidled up to the side of James’s bed that was unoccupied, pausing before climbing in. 

“You sure you don’t want me in Sirius’s bed?” She asked hesitantly.

James gave her his first true smile of the day. It was a mere shadow of his regular smile, but she’d take what she could. “Get in the damn bed, Lily. I’m tired.”

She did as she was told, sliding in and burrowing the covers. James raised the still-full bottle of sleeping draught in question.

“Need some?” 

She nodded. “We’ll split it.” In truth, she was tired enough to fall asleep on her own, but the little bottle held the glittering promise of a dreamless sleep. She could already feel the nightmares gathering, like the dark bruise of a stormcloud sweeping over her. 

James carefully tipped about half the potion into his mouth, before passing it to Lily with a grimace. 

“Bit strong on the licorice root.” 

“That’s what makes it effective.” Lily said, affronted. She made a point to swallow her half without making a face.

“Happy to have it, much appreciated, thank you.” He added hastily, taking the now empty bottle and her wand from her to place on his bedside cabinet next to his glasses. They pulled the curtains, and James turned over onto his side to face her.

“Now,” he started sternly, “am I going to have to put a wall of pillows between us or can you keep your hands to yourself?”

It wasn’t even that funny of a joke, but she was so tired and drained that she broke down into muffled snorts. James grinned, overly pleased with himself for making her laugh. 

“I’ve no plans to grope you in your sleep.”

“Goodnight, Lily.”

“Night, James.”