Broken glass sparkling. The remains of a love that never left.
Remus would not clean the floor, at least not tonight. Cleaning it would mean acknowledging it. And he simply couldn't.
Are you supposed to be this sad when you’re the cause of the heartbreak ? He had never thought that leaving Sirius would be easy. In fact, he had never even thought about leaving Sirius. Of course, there had been times when it had been hard. With the war, and the missions, the mistrust and anxiety, they hadn’t had it easy. But they had always been able to make it through. And they would always be able to make it through. Because they were two halves of the same being, crafted for each other by the hands of faith, they were destined to find one another, and in every lifetime.
But now, as he stood alone in the living room - their living room -, Remus was left to wonder. Had it been a dream ? Had he really one day been in possession of such love ? Or had he ruined it all on purpose ?
You heart was glass I dropped it
Actually, the evening had started in the best way possible. It was their 5th anniversary. Five years since they first kissed, a quick, timid kiss, hidden between to shelves of Hogwarts' Library. Remus knew what day it was, of course. How could he have forgotten ? He also knew that Sirius had planned a nice dinner for the two of them, the kind of fancy dinner, with champagne and all, that leaves you wondering what you did to deserve to be so happy. Remus had wanted to help, to at least prepare something for the night, but no, Sirius had decided he was in charge of everything. He was like that, sometimes. Stubborn, and headstrong, so much that it could be scary. But that only made Remus love him more. The mischievous sparkle in his grey eyes, the flicker of unpredictability.
So Remus knew. And in many senses, he ought to have expected the rest. Champagne. Candles. Wine. A toast, « To the love of my life ». The burnt ratatouille. A smile. Laughing, laughing so much that you feel like you’re going to explode. And then not anymore.
Sirius getting on one knee, a look of incomprehension in his lover’s eyes. "What are you doing, darling?". "Just wait and see".
His voice, sounding a little stranded. His eyes, maybe a little watery. His hands holding Remus’. "Ever since I have met you…"
Oh.
Remus’ mind going blank. Not one coherent thought in his brain. And then the oh so dreaded words.
"Marry me, make me yours, take me, I want you for eternity"
And upon hearing his love say those word, not one second before, and not one after, he realised. He couldn’t. Has much as he wanted to - and god, this was all that he wanted -, he couldn’t accept. Because marrying Sirius would cause their downfall. Sealing their love in such a way would only bring pain, and he knew it. Remus couldn’t, he had to leave.
1, 2, 3 seconds. Sirius’ eyes were still as bright. Still as hopeful. And so Remus took a moment to look at them, while they were still full of joy. To look at those eyes he knew by heart, those eyes he had spent most of his life admiring, and that he would spend the rest of his life thinking about.
Sometimes you just don’t know the answer, till someone’s on their knees and asks you
How do you say "no" to the love of your life ? You take his face in your hands, with a sad smile and teary eyes, and you try to show he that no matter what, you love him. And then you can’t escape it anymore, you’ve got to say it. So you take a deep breath, and say his name. Hearing your shaky, unsteady voice, you see his eyes flicker. 'Could he actually be saying no ?' he wonders. And you see him wonder. You see the smile on his face fade a little. You’re not sure if you’ll be able to do it, not without tearing your own heart apart, at least. And finally, you say it : "Sirius, please stop". You can’t stop looking at him. His mouth opens a little, in shock. "You know we can’t get married. You know it’s not reasonable, you’ll end up hating me, and I’ll hurt you, and it will be a mess. It will only bring more problems ".
Disbelief. "But I don’t care about that, I want you !", he cries. "Maybe for now, but you won’t forever". Anger. "How can you say something like that ? How can you say it so calmly ?"
And you see the pain in his eyes - the eyes you adores, and that you were admiring merely seconds before. And you know that you caused it. And the only thing you want is to take that pain away, tell him that everything will be okay. But you’ve got to continue, you can’t stop breaking his heart, even if it is breaking your own. Difficultly, you take a breath, try to find the words. You notice that he started to cry, you reach for his cheek, and try to wipe the tear away. He turns his head, shying away. And then you say "I’m sorry. I’m not good for you, I’m a mess". He looks at you, silent, angry. "You know that I’m fucked up", you add, "and I don’t want to drag you in this". And the look of disappointment of his face feels like it could cut your veins open, rip your heart out and leave you there bleeding. And the look of disappointment is your end.
What a shame he’s fucked in the head
But Sirius wasn’t done. Of course he wouldn’t let Remus - his Remus - go without a fight, without making sure there was no other way. He got up, his legs shaking. He took a sip of champagne, just to make sure that it was all real. "No. You’re wrong. I don’t know what’s going on in your head but you’re wrong. You can’t say that. You know that this is it. That we are it. Remus there’s no one else who compares. You’re the one for me. And I know that I am the one for you." It was as if he was pleading. And he was, really. He was begging him to reconsider, begging him to see how wrong he was. Remus had to be strong. He couldn’t let these eyes - these beautiful eyes - coax him. It was what was better for them, it had to be said.
"You can’t make me change my mind. I love you, I do, but this is too much. I can’t". He hoped that this would be enough. "Then let’s not get married ! I don’t care, I don’t give a fuck if we’re not legally bound as long as we are together". "I wish I could". Sirius was furious, "What are you saying? Of course you can, there’s nothing in our way. You’re just making excuses". "Maybe I am", Remus’ tone was measured, "but that doesn’t mean I’m going to change my mind. I know that I have to go". Never in his life had he seemed as deliberate. Like he was determined to leave, like nothing could ever make him reconsider his decision. And with that, Sirius was defeated. His champagne glass slowly fell from his hand, shattering on the wooden floor.
I never was ready so i watched you go
Of course, it hurt, of course. But was it supposed to hurt that much ? Was it supposed to make him feel like he would never breathe again ? Like there was nothing worth living for anymore ? Maybe it had just been a terrible mistake. - No, Remus knew that he had made the right choice, the rational choice. Because if he hadn't, then he ruined it all for nothing. He had to have made the right decision, what was better for the both of them.
Remus was alone in their home. Sirius had left promptly after their last silence, probably to go to James’. If Remus hadn't had a little bit of sense left in his aching body, he would have gone to James’ too. Would’ve cried in the arms of his best friend, mourning the loss of his other best friend. If Remus hadn’t known how much this was his fault, he would have rushed there, and cried, and screamed, and wailed for hours on end.
Lily would probably be calling anytime. She would be angry, he presumed, but she would want to know what happened. She would want to know why the fuck he had decided to walk away from the best thing he ever had. And this was what Remus dreaded the most. Because, in all honesty, he didn't know. All he knew was that it had to be done. And that it broke his heart to do it.
How evergreen our group of friends, don’t think we’ll say that word again
Remus didn't know if his friends were going to forgive him. He wouldn’t blame them if they decided the never wanted to see him again. In fact, he wished he could never see himself ever again. Because looking in the mirror, all he was seeing is a disheveled portrait of every part of him that Sirius had loved. How do you go from being someone else’s to not being at all ?
So yes, Remus may have lost the love of his life, he may have also lost his best friends, but he was convinced that it was for the better. Hearing Sirius profess his love the night before opened his eyes. He had been blinded by his love, blinded by how much he wished loving Sirius was enough. But now, he knew that he would never be enough. They had had those conversations plenty of times, with Sirius reassuring him, telling him that however much werewolf, however much halfblood, however much poor he might be, he would always be enough. Sometimes, Remus believed him. But most times, he just smiled, pretending that he didn’t feel like an absolute fraud.
Your Midas touch on the chevy door
Even when Remus felt out of place, monstrous and abnormal, he was always in awe of how Sirius shone. Ever since they were 12, Remus hadn’t spent a day without being amazed by how bright he was. And there was no jealousy, he was just absolutely bewildered that he could be in presence of such brilliant star. Because Sirius was the sun. It was obvious to everyone, Sirius was golden. The kind of person whose smile lights up a room, the kind of person who can make you feel whole by just looking at you. And it was okay, it really was. It was just that Remus didn’t understand what he had done to deserve the love of the brightest star. And that he feared he was only keeping him down.
And soon they’ll have the nerve to deck the halls that we once walked through
So Remus had made the right decision. When he woke the next morning, his pillow was still stained with tears. But he knew he had done what he had to, by setting Sirius free. He knew that he would find someone who deserved him, and that he would be happy. Some day, soon he hoped, Sirius would wake up in the arms of an other. He would smile lovingly over breakfast, holding the hand of an other. He would go to bed thinking of another. Remus hoped Sirius would forget him, that he'd be able to find a better, bigger, stronger love. But he would never forget Sirius. With every dandelion, with every four-leaf clover, he would wish for Sirius' happiness.
"But I don’t want anyone but you ! I can’t live with anyone but you"
Remus shut his eyes, and sighed. "I know. But I need you to try. I’m not saying it won’t be hard, it will be death to me too, but I need you to at least try to be happy.”
You won’t remember all my champagne problems
“I want you to be happy. You deserve someone better, Padfoot”