15
Think about the present. Think about the present. That's what they had agreed upon that morning when they made love again before parting for the weekend. A week had passed since then and the women had met again at Tina's house on Wednesday night and slept together, agreeing that it was good to let go of the present. The Evans case continued to move forward, the first hearing was just a few days away and Tina and Bette were giving it their all.
One night Bette had come into the blonde's office to say hello and had found herself having to accept an invitation from her and Alice who had ordered Thai food for an army. Bette had hoped that night that she and Tina had been together, a movie, an ice cream, but the blonde found herself swamped with work. But that was okay, at least they were still together, she could sell it anyway.
"Pass me another beer Bette..."
She raised an eyebrow "that's the third one Tina..."
"Porter not her mother's." Alice joked
"Hell no!" Tina laughed.
Of course Alice must not know anything about their clandestine affair or the whole office would know within minutes.
"Dana?" Tina asked while enjoying the seafood spaghetti.
"She was at her parents' house tonight...I had to work anyway..."
"Wow, you haven't met them yet?"
"Bette, we've only been together for three months..."
"But it seems serious."
"It is...it's just that...."
"What?" Tina watched Bette press on, she was cute when she fought for the good of her friends.
"That's when you know the parents then it becomes real..."
"Well it's clear..."
"And you're scared?" Tina intervened while Alice was thinking about the question.
"Well, I love Dana...I mean, at least I think I love her."
"You either love her or you don't..." Bette said cynically and a glance between the two women went unnoticed by the blonde who was thinking about her situation.
"I think I love her...yes. It's just that her parents are like that...she's very attached to them...and if they didn't like me, would she leave me?"
A silence fell, Tina and Bette stared at each other, the brunette was still, maybe she hadn't touched the right key.
Tina cleared her throat "Parents don't have much say in the matter...Dana is a woman, she'll follow her heart."
Tina stared at Bette who felt uncomfortable, at that moment she just wanted to hug her, but it wasn't the case.
"Oh I hope so...maybe you're right Tina..." Bette drained her beer and took another one under Tina's eyes.
"But girls, she's so amazing...well in every way. We understand each other, even on a sexual level and you know how important that is!"
"My god Al!" Tina covered her eyes
"we're two fires!" Alice continued while
Tina laughed "stop it, we don't want to know!" Bette laughed loudly.
"No girls hey..we're friends why can't we talk about it huh? It's all normal."
"Well we're definitely adults enough..." Bette challenged Tina who welcomed the provocation "Yes, of course...well you can talk to us about anything. We're all ears."
Tina smiled at Bette, it was a clear challenge. Alice didn't notice.
"So I'll tell you this...you know how much I love toys right?"
Tina and Bette nodded, a smile already appearing on their faces, they wanted to make fun of Alice but they tried to stay calm.
"Well she had never tried them, especially....well...the fake penis."
"It's called a dildo."
Bette pointed out and Tina snapped her head mischievously "expert..." Bette shrugged and continued to watch Alice knowing that Tina hadn't stopped watching her.
"Well that... I love women, but sometimes I need something different."
"Well you're bisexual we know." Tina admitted.
"it's not that, it's just that sometimes I want to caress my woman, with my hands free and you know for us besides oral sex having sex in a tight and sticky way is complicated."
"But it's exciting." Bette said confidently.
"Of course it is...but sometimes it's nice to change, and with Dana we've tried so many things...many lesbians, in fact most, use toys."
"Absolutely true." Bette finished and Tina took her in again with her eyes.
Tina coughed lightly wiping her lips.
"It's nice that you both understand needs..desires."
"Yes I love her for that too...she's so understanding...and feeling accepted even in these things that involve sex is important..."
"It is."
Bette said seeing the absence in Tina's eyes.
"God girls it's really late" Alice shouted seeing the clock "I have my physical therapist tomorrow before work...and then the hairdresser, I have to pick up the dress for the cocktail...It's going to be a long day." Tina and Bette sat there, tidying up the desk. "Oh by the way Tina..your dress is here and it's downstairs. Get it before you leave."
"Thanks Al, leave...we'll tidy up and go to sleep."
"Well thanks girls, next time it's on me Kennard."
Tina giggled as they watched their friend leave the room leaving them in a silence that didn't last long. Tina stood up and quickly threw it in the bin. "god...tomorrow is really going to be a long day..." the blonde said distractedly without looking at Bette "I hate those cocktails..." Tina added.
"I like them, you know...at least if we have champagne and good food."
Tina laughed "sure, you feel comfortable in cufflinks, dresses, high heels."
"well yeah." Bette laughed as she threw the beer bottles into the black bag. "Is everything okay?" she asked staring at Tina who was blushing, she was weird.
Silent.
"Um...yeah yeah...I mean..."
"what?"
"can I ask you a question?"
"Sure..." Bette said quietly.
"Here..." Tina bit her lip "about sex toys."
"What do you want to know?" Bette smiled sweetly, she didn't want Tina not to be free to express what she thought and she didn't want her to feel uncomfortable.
"Well...we...I mean, do you love them?"
Bette closed her eyes "well...you should know, right...we were together for years..."
"Of course...of course..." Tina turned red for a few seconds
"but I used them...with other women..."
Tina raised her eyes, her mouth open. It hurt a little and she didn't know why. Maybe she felt less than anything else Bette had had.
"Sure...yes, I mean I don't want to go into the details of your private life...I don't have the right..."
The blonde's nervousness was evident, Bette could see it all over her body, they had never talked about things like that, not when Tina was very young and delicate for Bette during their relationship years before.
Tina was very young when she and Bette were together, the brunette took her with a grain of salt, they had waited to make love and Bette had played with her a few times, she wasn't interested in teasing, torturing her, erotic games, tied hands, she had always loved making love to Tina slowly, Tina was young, much younger than her, she always saw her as a delicate flower.
"No well, we're talking... I have no problem with that..."
"Why not with me then?" Bette remained silent, she hadn't expected such frankness.
She lingered over the answer, elaborating so that Tina would understand well.
"No you know what... I made a mistake, I shouldn't ask..."
"No Tina wait..." Bette blocked her wrist, pulling to make her turn towards her, the blonde's face was red. "We can talk about everything, you know?"
Tina nodded silently "it's okay that you ask me... and I want to answer honestly... we didn't need it... we worked that way, right from the start, we never needed anything to set us on fire... you know."
Bette was right, between them it had been love at first sight, their physicality was like a magnet.
Tina closed her eyes, remembering the early days, how much she wanted Bette between her thighs, on her face, everywhere. Just like now.
"You were young and I...well I've always treated you a certain way."
"using toys doesn't mean you can't fuck well..."
"but with you they weren't fucking!"
Bette said it in an authoritative tone making Tina jump as if she had said something monstrous.
"And what were they?" She whispered asking.
"Love."
"Love?" Tina said incredulously and then snorted "ok it's late...let's go..."
"I used them with Pippa and I've used them in the past, these games as they are called...sometimes they excite yes, but then they separate, create distance...and then...you..."
Bette closed her mouth and then didn't continue.
Tina looked at her "me what? You see me so delicate Bette? Uhm? What should I show you? That I am a woman full of sexual performance and..."
"Absolutely not! No one asks you to be different...you are the one asking me questions.."
"Why did you do it with other women and not with me?"
Bette stared at her "are you arguing about my sexual performance?" she said getting nervous, feeling threatened "because they don't satisfy you!?"
"That's not what I'm saying and you know it."
Tina said seriously waiting for Bette to understand what she was saying "You've had a man for years, it's not my problem Tina!"
That was a low blow, Tina knew that sooner or later it would come out with Bette.
"There was a man before you too.." Tina said scornfully.
"oh so the one who's too many is me here."
Bette picked up her jacket with strength and apparent ease but Tina wouldn't have been so stupid as not to notice.
"Bette you don't understand me!"
The brunette didn't turn around, she raised her head to the ceiling "what Tina? um? what did you get the idea to test what it would be like if I were a man huh?" Hands on hips, Bette's posture was tense.
"no if she would threaten you!" Tina said fragile now and in a calmer tone.
Bette let out a shaky breath, maybe that was her problem? Would she feel threatened by the fact that she had been Tina's only female lover?
"I married a man, yes. That doesn't make me a slut. But I know you felt threatened... not by him, but by my sexuality."
Bette finally turned, blinking back tears and looking at the blonde. A long silence between them. They wanted to truly understand each other even if it was difficult.
"You're the only woman I've ever come back to, in fact... I know... but it shouldn't diminish you, in fact maybe it's a confirmation, don't you think?"
Bette remained silent, she thought about it, her eyes went out, Tina saw it, a veil of insecurity. Then she slowly approached, caressing her hand that had moved down her hips, Tina felt the delicate touch"See you tomorrow Tina... goodnight..."
The blonde only felt the heat leave her hand and then without the possibility of answering, Bette left the room. That was a topic they would address sooner or later, Bette didn't give much room for conflicting ideas. She had always been a lesbian, she had loved women, she had had sexual experiences with men in college, like Benjamin, but then stopped, she hadn't pursued other paths. For Bette it wasn't like Alice or Tina who fell in love beyond sex, Bette only fell in love with women. Before Bette, Tina thought she loved her college boyfriend, but after loving her, she hadn't believed she loved her husband. Bette had turned her life and her concept of love upside down and if Tina had been asked the question "are you a lesbian?" she would have said yes, even just for Bette, for the desire she had for her, for her entire life.
Maybe they would have worked it out, or maybe they would never have met here. Tina was dissatisfied with what had happened, but the next day was full of commitments until the evening of the famous company cocktail party. "It's an evening that no one can miss.." Her father always told her, even the year her mother died, her father organized that stupid cocktail party.
Tina had woken up early, but in the end she had stayed up late as usual, wandering around the house looking for a way to pin her hair and to choose a bag that would go well with the shoes she had bought a week before. Her dress was simple, black, high neck, long sleeves and low back, tight and long to her ankles. She had chosen an important necklace to embellish it, she loved it, she loved the simplicity and elegance.
Fast forward to half an hour before the car showed up, she put on earrings and a delicate bracelet on her wrist, light makeup, delicate pink mouth, she was perfect.
When Tina arrived the hall of the palace had been set up with tables, waiters, ivory tablecloths and dark blue details, cloth napkins and tall glasses for champagne. Her father was always very attentive to details and had always had good taste.
The room was already half full, waiters were serving welcome cocktails and everyone was super elegant. Tina caught a glimpse of her father talking to a taller and older man, he motioned for her to come closer.
"Timothy do you remember my little girl Tina?"
Tina greeted him with a friendly smile while the man kissed her hand.
"Tina, you are so big... I remember you when you still didn't know how to do subtractions."
"I still have some doubts sir.." she said chuckling.
"Timothy Callager.
.he was my college professor... we were only ten years apart and yet he was my mentor."
"Oh nonsense... Tom was a promise! He was always a model student, unlike my son Kevin. Oh by the way, you should meet him... there he is."
Mr. Callager raised a hand and a blond green-eyed man approached him, he was definitely a few years younger than Tina. The boy held out his hand to her.
"Nice to meet you, Kevin..."
"The pleasure is mine.."
Tina said kindly, looking at her father who was already turned elsewhere and so the blonde found herself having to entertain the young Callager. Kevin didn't have a hard time talking though, in fact he was very enterprising and outgoing, he asked Tina a lot about her work, he was getting a master's degree in economics and finance, he hadn't followed in his father's footsteps, but he was more hungry for fame than his father thought he was.
"So you want to move to Scotland?"
"Yes I love to travel...and then London...well it's a bit tight for me..."
"Well it can be...I came back from LA a year ago and it's very different."
"Wow LA? Why did you come back..." Tina looked down and then back at the glass of champagne "oh family and work...but I'm fine now.."
Kevin answered and spoke again but Tina was already watching Bette and Shane walk in together, taking their full drinks as they dropped their coats. Bette looked stunning, a sand colored suit with a long skirt and a matching shirt and vest, the color complimented her gorgeous skin. The high pumps showed off her leg and defined calf. Gorgeous.
The brunette must have heard the comments about her because she turned and looked up at Tina, meeting her eyes and smiling warmly before fixing her eyes on the young man who was talking to the blonde as if he wanted to do nothing else.
Tina saw the brunette's eyes move and then return to her, different, unsure but then Bette turned to Alice to meet her and say hello. Their contact was over. When dinner began, Bette's table was full by now so Tina sat at a table next to her, with Kevin to her right who didn't stop talking. The blonde turned her back on purpose so she wouldn't have to meet Bette's eyes, if she ever looked at her again, she knew her, she would be annoyed by all this, but leaving Kevin alone like that seemed rude to Tina.
After the meal Tom gave his annual speech before the Christmas holidays and everyone clapped their hands and shouted his name. Bonus points were given to several employees for their work and extra little gifts from the company.
That was the right time to leave Kevin and finally go to the brunette and her friends even if Bette greeted her coldly.
"Hey Tk...find a new husband already?"
"God please..he's a baby."
Alice laughed along with Shane "well he's handsome and wealthy I guess."
"my dad's professor's son."
"Well then he'll love her." Shane admitted looking at Bette for a second, it was a jab.
Bette downed the champagne with a fake smile. She was good at lying, but not with Tina, she understood her.
"Well the food was good, wasn't it?"
"As always..." Bette said dryly to answer the blonde nonchalantly.
Their eyes met as Tom concluded and everyone rushed to say goodbye.
"Hey Tina...Kevin's leaving.."
Tom shouted softly as the blonde's eyes didn't easily leave the brunette's "Well go say goodbye to your beau..." Bette said calmly
"or your baby!" Alice joked without being asked, laughing with Shane.
Tina walked away skeptically "I have to talk to you later..." She said to Bette "about Evans." She said quickly so as not to arouse suspicion, as she walked away and Bette nodded.
Half an hour later, Tina was in the car, she had taken off her heels and was driving on the opposite side of her house because she had found a message from Bette on her phone after she had looked for her.
"I'll wait for you at my house."
When she arrived at her destination, Tina rang the doorbell, Bette lived in a little house of her own that she had bought when her relationship with Tina ended. The blonde had been there, it was still under construction, a lot of things to do, but dreaming that one day it would also be hers, unaware that Bette was then cheating on her.
"You remembered it then..."
Bette opened the door smiling, she had already taken off her vest, leaving her oversized shirt outside her soft long skirt.
Messy hair. She held a cup in one hand.
"Come in, it's freezing..."
Tina crossed the threshold followed by Bette, the house was spectacular, dark wood, light furniture, elegant and welcoming, the fireplace and the carpet, the big TV that Tina knew Bette loved.
When Tina turned to Bette the brunette was watching her, arms crossed with her cup in her hands a soft smile on her lips just the hint of it.
"It's changed a lot..." Tina said pulling the sides of her mouth.
"Six years is a long time..." Tina nodded.
"Come on, I'll make you one..."
Bette said, picking up the cup she was holding as she headed toward what was presumably the kitchen.
"So...you said you wanted to talk to me..."
Bette said, lighting the stove to boil water. Tina walked over to the wooden table, placing her hands on the surface, sliding slightly onto a tall, elegant stool.
"Um...last night we broke up on a weird note, don't you think...and then tonight...ffff...well, that troublemaker my dad gave me wasn't what we wanted."
"The elementary school boy?"
Bette laughed, grabbing a cup from the light gray cupboard. Tina huffed, making herself heard.
"Well how much are you going to make fun of me?"
"He was attractive though."
"He's smart."
"Mh." Bette hummed as she poured the tea and turned to hand it to the blonde delicately "Lemon?"
"No thanks." Tina waved a hand in the air, "Well just because he was smart and handsome doesn't mean I was interested..."
Bette examined her with her eyes just above the cup, this conversation was delicate and could have gone wrong. She didn't really want to argue with Tina, she just needed reassurance, but she was willing to give it to her first.
"I'm sorry..." Tina whispered, blowing on the cup.
"You don't have to, Tina... I... I mean... we told each other not to expect anything, right?"
"Yes, even if it seems so difficult with you..."
"It is for me too with you..." They looked at each other again.
"This thing about men...this thing that I was married to a man and only had one woman in my life...does it bother you? Doesn't it?"
"Yes..." Bette admitted with a sigh coming as Tina swallowed heavily. She knew it hurt, but she had to be honest with her and herself.
"Even though you've been the only woman in my life..."
"Up until now..."
Tina laughed, she couldn't really mean it, but okay, she would play this diabolical game.
"Touchè."
"Tina listen... I have no problem throwing myself into situations with you and I think that's clear. I'm doing it, despite everything..."
"but..."
"But there are many dangerous points. We could get hurt."
"I know..."
"Then let's not do it..."
"It will be inevitable."
Bette breathed deeply
"what are you most afraid of Bette? That I'm in love with men and am just a drifter?"
"Uhm, God no... you've been with me for years, I know very well that you don't only like men."
"Good. So what?"
"It scares me, what do you want from me, Tina? I mean, from us... what do you want from this thing."
"Nothing that you don't want."
Those words were necessary for Bette, to feel embraced, welcomed, understood and to make her take the risk despite everything.
"I've never thought it necessary to use certain things to feel good with you Tina...you really have to believe me...it's not belittling you. But I'm willing to try together, if you still want it too..."
Tina blushed, she suddenly felt nervous, for what she had asked, for everything.
"Whatever we do together, for me it will always be wonderful..and we won't like it, nothing will change Tina...you know that right?"
Tina nodded, setting her cup down on the table and sliding down from the stool, she slowly approached Bette, purposeful steps until she was beside the brunette who turned, leaning an elbow on the table to face her. Tina caressed Bette's hand.
"So you're saying you'd try that with me?"
"Is that what you want?" Bette whispered, searching her green eyes.
Tina bit her lip, "I just hate the fact that you've done it with other women and not with me..and then..." Tina stopped, contemplating the brunette's face, "and...I know you'll be different with me, Bette."