12 ok
It was the middle of winter now, London was covered in snow, the trees in Hyde Park looked like fake decorations for the most chic shop windows. As a child, Tina had always loved that time of year, until last year, when the first days of December had turned into a time of collapse and loneliness all at once. She thought about it now while she was on the plane that she had scheduled not even 48 hours before after the call from Celine to whom Tina had left the whole studio in LA. She didn't really know why she was coming back, she certainly wasn't interested in the job there because she loved being back in London by now but there had been problems with Eric. She couldn't stand him after a year of divorce, not anymore. Tom obviously hadn't known the true intentions that pushed Tina to fly all the way there, but she didn't really want to give her any explanations. And not even to Bette. That's why Tina had called Alice to let her know. There wouldn't be any big problems in London for 48 hours away from the studio.
Eric, her ex-husband, was a lawyer like Tina, he had studied in NY and then moved to the coast with his brother a few years before being hired by the West Coast firm. It was there that he and Tina had met and fallen in love.
After their divorce, Tina had run away as fast as she could, also because it was already difficult to put up with Eric when they were still husband and wife, let alone after.
Eric had been pushy, he had tried in every way to win Tina back, but by then she was out of the game, she didn't love him anymore.
Celine had gone to pick up Tina at the station and explained the whole situation to her, Eric was putting spokes in his wheels, he had never accepted that Tina had left her empire to her and not to her ex-husband. He had had the house, the car, the cabin in Vermont, what else did he want? That study, that credit as a boss, Tina had deserved it, it wasn't thanks to Eric, in fact according to the man Tina worked too much and should have stayed home more and been a good wife. Tina had always hated him, he was so chauvinistic. That's why she realized that men weren't for her, even if not all men were like Eric.
"We'll sort this out..."
Tina calmed Celine down as they got out of the car to get to the hotel Tina had booked for her for two nights. She really hoped that would be enough time to land Eric and rush back to London, in less than two weeks she would be going to court with Benjamin Evans.
"God Tina, I'm sorry to have scared you, but it's been two months now, the firm is collapsing under his siege, there have already been three layoffs because of him!"
"Three?"
"Yes ... his two secretaries and an intern..."
Tina narrowed her eyes "God ... and how did they justify it to human resources?"
"Well the first one...." Celine looked at Tina uncertainly.
"Harassment." Tina whispered "he loves the vagina even before his penis!"
Celine's eyes widened, she had followed the blonde's divorce, the insults, but now Tina was out of feelings for Eric and saw him for what he was.
"I'm sorry..." the girl whispered.
"You don't have to...he's a pig. He always has been with me too...caught up in his ego and wanting to vent his frustrations."
Those words made her squirm inside.
"Then I'll see you tomorrow morning okay?"
"Thanks Tina...I hope you'll sort this out."
In the evening Tina sent a few emails to Alice and reassured her father, before taking a shower and sliding onto the sofa in her hotel with a breathtaking skyline, that's why she had also loved LA in December. But no, that period was like that, empty. She remembered how she had felt. Alone, in a hotel room like that, after returning from the clinic with no one to cry with, full of fear and uncertainty, especially one: that of never becoming a mother. Tina had lost her son at just 8 weeks of age and the most reckless thing she had done was to call Eric to tell him and cry and he had not understood anything, he had told her that it was happening, that they would try again when, Tina knew that that child had been the fruit of their last time together, when the blonde no longer wanted anything from him. She had gotten pregnant by mistake, after a year of trying without success, that time, when she broke up with Eric they had fucked, her husband had come over crying begging her for a form of farewell sex and so it was, at least for Tina. Without knowing that then that time both Eric and Tina would have hit the mark.
At first, after the despair of being alone, Tina had loved that idea like any woman but then the dream was over. It was a nightmare.
"You're back?"
Tina looked at her ex-husband, not feeling anything, not even a drop of blood was coming out of the woman, she was cold, frigid, after shedding tears all night and feeling alone and dealing with the pain.
"What's going on?" Eric continued to speak "so you've had second thoughts..."
"Well not really. I'm not going back on you."
Eric had clenched his jaw "so?"
Tina motioned for her to sit down, they weren't in the study, Celine had arranged a meeting without telling the man, she had set it up as a business meeting and now they were in a small diner near Venice Beach, they had been there many times. Tina had a double espresso and a juice with eggs.
"there are problems and you know it..."
"About?"
"The firm."
"it's not yours anymore."
"But it won't go to hell because of you."
"what do you know Uhm? you ran away."
"don't say it."
"but you did."
Tina closed her eyes and walked away "we won't talk about me or us...you're a dirty pig, you're causing hate in the firm and a bad reputation."
Eric laughed "I'm the best you know!"
"they accuse you of harassment."
"Tst....imagine...me molesting? Come on Tina, you were my wife for years, and I never did anything you didn't want."
"Sure, but we're not talking about me...I know what you were like before we got married...I know how you conquer, your desires, you have a disease for women. It wouldn't shock me to know that you were screwing someone in the last year that you and I almost broke up while still being married."
Eric remained silent.
"Listen, you can think whatever you want..."
"Eric, I don't care who you fuck anymore, okay? You can have fun with whoever you want. You're free and single."
"Not by my choice."
"But you have to respect mine."
Eric put his hand on his forehead "Tina or divorces don't matter shit...let's try again, darling..."
"You really don't understand? It ended between us years ago, I don't love you anymore and neither do you! But you won't sink the studio, damn it!"
There was a long enough silence, they were in a public place, Tina probably would have shouted more, but the idea of having Eric go to her hotel room had never digested her, so she had chosen that small cozy diner that usually in the morning was not very crowded. And it wasn't.
"Tina" "Eric" They said together sighing.
"Celine spoke to me, three layoffs... what have you become? This is serious. Your father died knowing that he had raised a smart, capable, talented man in his work and what are you doing?"
Tina had become incredibly serious, only at that moment their story struck her, in the end she had been married to that man, there had been a time, years, in which Eric had managed to make her happy, much more than Bette. Eric had understood Tina, the first times they were dating everything was so new to her, different from the story with Bette, with him everything had been out in the open, without hiding, without too many problems, everything easy. After all, Tina loved Eric and would always have.
"It's for our son, right? That you left?" Eric spoke softly, tears in his eyes "my father no Tina...he wouldn't be proud of me I know, but I've had a shitty year...I fucked yes..." he lowered his voice looking around "a lot...you know I love women and sex, but you know that in the last year together we had sex maybe 5 or 6 times no more..."
"So?"
"I loved you Tina! It didn't matter that you didn't want to have sex with me!"
Tina opened her mouth and closed it again.
"but you didn't understand.." Eric finished.
Tina looked around too, she saw her juice halfway on the table, she loved the juice in that place, it tasted so... like summer... even if it was December.
"After tomorrow it will be a year..." Tina looked up from the glass nodding slowly while the lump in her throat tightened.
"It's not your fault..." Eric narrowed his eyes.
"I know..." Tina lied stifling the answer, that was terribly difficult, they had never done it, Tina had just run away, like from Bette years before.
A solitary tear rolled down the blonde's face, she didn't flinch, she didn't rush to wipe it away, she let it fall onto her jaw and then down who knows where.
"Ok Tina...I just wanted you to know that I would have wanted to try again if you hadn't run away...that it was hard for me..."
"I know...I'm sorry...I wanted a quick and painless divorce...or at least I thought so...it was devastating for me too...but it wasn't working anymore Eric, it wasn't the baby or...not having it...we were already broken."
The man stared at her, they looked at each other for seconds recognizing each other, declaring the end of the thing despite the pain and the happy past. Eric smiled slightly
"I made a mistake at work...I know...I was out of control, but the last time it happened was three months ago...Celine found out late...I've improved Tina, I'm seeing a good woman now. She loves me..."
Tina felt partly consoled, how strange.
"Don't throw away our sacrifices."
So Tina spent the other 24 hours before her plane on the beaches, winter in LA was so different from London. And yet she still appreciated it. That terrible day for her and her heart passed much slower than she had expected, but Tina faced it alone as she had decided. Maybe in another life at that moment Tina would have had a little man in her arms, or a little woman, she had never known. Now the tears really did fall, but it was so liberating to do so, to cry without problems, without having to move on by force, she was there, with no one, just her and the pain and that was okay. She would not have wanted anyone else.
"I've been hearing that bullshit for three fucking days Alice I'm fed up!" Bette slams her hand on the blonde's desk "Tom doesn't know anything except LA... you don't know... she hasn't answered messages in days, her phone is off. This is a fucking job, Benji is pestering me."
"Bette...." Alice was shaking like a leaf "I don't know... I don't know more than what she told me, I swear..." Alice was stammering, it wasn't like her and Bette noticed, that was the truth.
She felt so frustrated, where the fuck had Tina gone? Why in LA? What was there? Eric again. The questions in those days were spinning in Bette's head like lightning even if it wasn't her business she knew.
Before she could apologize to the blonde, a low but determined good morning was heard, unmistakable. Bette looked down the corridor from which Tina came, a black suit with an oversized jacket and trousers, a boot and a light blue blouse with her neck wrapped in a tone-on-tone scarf. Her ever-present work bag tucked into the arm where she held her coat.
Bette watched the scene almost in slow motion, Tina met her gaze before offering Alice a kind smile and placing a business card on her desk.
"Make me an appointment..." she said authoritatively while offering Bette a kind hint of a smile too "Do you need anything?"
The brunette blinked rapidly, was she really playing?
"Yes." Bette's mouth hissed and she followed Tina into the office slamming the door behind them as Alice watched them helplessly now, ready to hear the screams.
"Have you looked at your phone?"
"Good morning Tina..." The blonde said ironically "welcome back to London."
Tina looked up at Bette, she knew she would be furious but not like this. But Tina also knew she should have given her advance notice of her little vacation, but she felt embarrassed. She didn't want Bette to know about her past.
"It's so nice to see you..." Tina continued ironically but the brunette stopped her by advancing towards the desk.
"Do you know what the fuck it's like to have Benjamin Evans and his father after you for two days, not knowing where you were, what you were doing. We're in the business of other people's lives!"
Bette's breathing was rapid, Tina knew that state. Her neck was tense, her forehead wrinkled, and her dark circles under her eyes.
"You haven't slept much...." she observed.
"You, on the other hand, look like a flower." Bette managed to answer without feeling.
Tina laid down her weapons "I had personal problems..."
She looked away lightly and turned on her PC putting on her glasses, leaving Bette open-mouthed leaning on the desk still waiting for more words that never came.
"Personal..." The brunette almost whispered to herself, incredulous, angry, disconcerted "Evans is a case..."
"Bette I repeat that I had personal problems and that's it, my father knew. Then I was gone for 48 fucking hours...now I'm here...problems?"
"You could have answered the calls, warned..." "It was all so fast." "We care about the lives of others Tina, Evans is losing his daughters and...." "I thought about my life Bette!"
Tina's hand slammed against the papers hard, she already had to, Bette stepped back slightly frowning, trying to understand and process it all. This could only be one thing and Bette understood.
"you still fuck your ex?"
She said scornfully letting silence fall between them before Tina scraped her chair on the floor and abruptly moved away from the desk, a flame blazing in her eyes, she would have screamed at Bette, she would have pushed her with all her strength like they had done so many times before.
"who do you think I am huh? one of those women you get at the clubs Bette? damn!"
"Well what's wrong with that, at least they fuck well!"
The sentence came out more contemptuously than Bette intended, Tina narrowed her eyes, a disgusted expression appeared on her face, Bette understood. She had made a false move, but her jealousy towards that woman was coming out, again.
"I'm not going to argue with you.."
"You disappeared for two whole days damn it Tina...and that's always your fucking problem!!!"
"It's not your problem anymore Bette!!"
Tina screamed back, her face red, she took off her jacket abruptly revealing the hot part of her chest "do you care if I fucked my ex-husband? Uhm? That's your problem Bette...if I fuck a man? Or if it was a woman would everything be better for you?"
"Well I think you hooked up with that Clair."
Tina laughed loudly and bitterly. "God you're like that..."
She couldn't finish the sentence, Bette was exasperating in the arguments, she was insecure, she was possessive, Tina knew her. Bette felt threatened, after their evening together, now she was afraid that Tina would go back to her ex, she wasn't seeing clearly even if they had decided to remain friends.
So what was going on?
Tina looked back at Bette, she was on fire, but she wouldn't give in.
"I don't care who you fuck, just get on with your job."
Bette said determinedly before slamming down on the table quickly before bolting out and leaving a Tina full of doubts. What was going on between them? What was that tension? God. Tina felt frustrated, she was burning she was on fire for Bette, over and over again.
But after those days in LA she didn't feel like fighting, she had faced her demons, her past fears and now she was picking up the pieces with more serenity than ever. And yet the brunette had upset her.
"fuck fuck fuck!" Bette had thrown papers everywhere and hadn't been able to get anything done that damn day.
How had she behaved with Tina? Once she had respected, adored and loved that woman with all her bones. And now what had happened? She had insulted her, setting her straight who she went to bed with and who she didn't. Tina was free to do whatever she wanted, she was single now, divorced and even if it were Eric it would still be her ex-husband, the one who had taken her to the altar, who had tied her with a gold thread on his finger.
Something Bette couldn't do.
It hit her, biting her in the stomach. She closed her eyes and swallowed, her breathing had been shallow all day, remembering that the only real moment of respite had been that night with Tina at her house.
Because damn.
She looked at the clock, it was 9:30, she threw her laptop bag under the desk, quickly gathered her things, working until late was useless, she hadn't even felt hungry, she had eaten a salad for lunch and nothing else.
She didn't even realize it, Bette arrived in 15 minutes under the blonde's house, for the second time in two weeks.
"Do what you have to do, apologize."
She rang twice without answer, maybe
Tina wasn't home?
No. Here's her voice.
"It's Bette..."
The gate below opened and Bette opted for the stairs, she was too nervous for the narrow elevator environment.
When she reached Tina's floor she saw her leaning against the door, her arms crossed over her chest, a sweatshirt and soft trousers, coloured socks, no make-up, she was perfect like that, much more than when she was in the office, that was her most beautiful state.
For a long second they looked at each other until Tina broke the silence.
"It's late..." her voice was small and warm as always. She wasn't showing anger or something else, she was alone, released, tired, she didn't want to raise her weapons.
"I've been a bitch...I don't think of you as being frivolous with sex or anything else...I respect you very much Tina, you know that...you have to forgive me."
"Why?"
Bette frowned "why do you have to forgive me?"
"No...why did you do that? Why.....why did you tell me those things, you know me..."
Bette examined her, Tina was looking at her directly, without filters, without fears or at least she was hiding them well. Then as she looked at the blonde, it all dawned on Bette, she hadn't really thought about it before. She let out a breath and looked away, leaning on the marble banister of Tina's stairs.
"you disappeared...again...I..." Tina continued to watch her, never leaving her side "I slipped into the routine of the past, I got agitated like when you first left. Alice told me about LA and your father too...I....I was....I don't know." Tina listened, attentively and passionately "I don't expect you to understand me...I just want you to know that I'm sorry for being such an asshole."
"You are..."
Bette nodded putting her hands in her pockets "but that won't change my opinion of you...I respect you too much Tina.."
"and I respect you...and my opinion of you is always the same.. "
Bette smiled. "Thank you..."
Before she could move Tina spoke softly but clearly and what she said petrified Bette.
"I lost a child... a year ago..."
Silence
"We tried for a year but nothing. When I was ready with the divorce papers we slept together and it was.... I wanted to give him that goodbye he wanted so much."
God Tina was so small and strong at the same time.
"I found out I was pregnant two weeks after the signatures. And after five I lost my son, our... well... it doesn't matter anymore."
Bette swallowed hard "you... you came back here right after Christmas..."
Tina nodded "I was alone for a while, then my father asked me to come back and I thought it was the best thing."
Bette felt faint, she turned to the banister, the stairwell was so high and dimly lit, it made her dizzy.
Tina, her Tina could have been a mother, which Bette had expected to be honest, but then she was almost happy that the news had not yet reached London. But now...The thought that Tina had endured it all alone hurt Bette, a lot.
She took a timid step forward.
"I should have known." she said exasperated
"no, you shouldn't have.."
Another step
"yes I should have ...you were alone."
"I wanted to be."
Bette was at the door in two quick steps
"I don't want you to be."
Tina raised her head, the brunette was taller and to look at her now she had to do it by force, her heart was racing a little for that confidence she had never shared with anyone, a little because she had always wanted to tell Bette, call her and scream that she was sick, that she missed her.
"Bette..."
"No Tina you don't have to be alone, you shouldn't have been alone."
Tina swallowed "I've dealt with it these days... I'm fine."
Tina caressed Bette's shoulder gently, without knowing where they would end. Those words of Bette were sweet, they were a source of well-being for Tina to hear them after such a long time.
"You could have told me today..."
"I know you don't care about my life anymore Bette..."
Bette placed a forefinger on Tina's delicate jaw, watching her, eating her with her eyes.
The brunette closed her eyes, that touch was like magic, she still felt exhilarated when touching the blonde.
"I care about your life and you...I can't pretend anymore Tina..."