9
Bette knew very well that Tom would not be nice, she imagined it, walking up and down the spacious office, Tina sitting on the armchair while they waited for her father who was playing a stupid game of polo.
When Tom learned of the relationship between Bette and Tina he was shocked, he was an old-fashioned man, he expected his daughter with a white veil and a bouquet outside, a gentleman, maybe a lawyer, but not Bette Porter. Not when Bette Porter was a woman. But all in all Tom had understood over time that even if his little girl had grown up also thanks to the relationship with Bette, when she then found herself in the marriage with Eric she was nothing but unhappy. This had affected him a lot, initially he blamed the death of Tina's mother, but it was not only that, his daughter was unhappy or not entirely happy with the marriage.
Especially when Tina got pregnant, well things seemed better, at least that's what her father hoped. But in reality things were already adrift.
"Don't worry..." Tina whispered flipping through a magazine "have your herbal tea..."
Bette sighed as the door swung open and Tom entered in his gym clothes.
Bette moved slowly as if she were invisible, she really wanted to be. Tina moved a little higher in the chair, watching her father enter in silence, she wasn't that scared, he and her father had faced worse and so had Tom and Bette.
"Dad we...."
"You don't need to talk Tina!"
The man warned her opening the liquor cabinet, pouring a small glass of whiskey.
"I don't think you want...or do you Bette still like good whiskey?"
The brunette shook her head.
"Well..." Tom continued "I know why you're here, Randal called me...Did you let James Cameron walk all over you? Really? That little bastard was the worst in his class you know?"
Bette decided to slide into the chair holding the cup in her hands, closing her eyes.
"He hasn't changed much."
Tom laughed in shock. "Good grief, you can never keep quiet, can you? Is that what you feel? That you're right? You two screwed up...in fact..." He turned to Bette. "You...Bette were my apple of the eye, you never failed...but it's clear that something isn't working here."
"We." Tina whispered firmly and all eyes went to her "It's us you're talking about...you never could stand us as a team."
"I gave you the Evans case, Miss!" Tom was starting to get heated.
"Waiting for failure."
Tina was determined. She had never trusted her father's good faith, not when it came to Bette and her.
There was a few seconds of silence, Tom narrowed his eyes, massaging his temples.
"Did you know?" he turned to his daughter.
"That Bette was hanging out with boys in college?"
"Tina..."
Bette tried to mediate, she knew that father and daughter would explode, she sought the gaze of the blonde who was there, but Bette understood that there was no way to slow down.
"Are you kidding me?"
"Listen Tom...Tina found out when there were already two meetings with the Evans...it was my mistake. I'm sorry."
Tina looked at Bette, she was sincerely apologizing, she knew she had screwed up, but she was smart, she would fix it and win as always.
"Your mistake includes telling your girlfriend about the case!"
The brunette swallowed "not about the case but..."
"she knew about your past Bette...about Benjamin, our client!!!!This is not a game, you've been doing this job for years and you confided in yourself under the covers!!!!"
"Ok stop fuck!" Tina stood up slamming her hand on the desk, tears had formed in Bette's eyes and Tina didn't go unnoticed.
"What do you think you're doing? You're not going to rule over the lives of any of us again!"
Tom stared at his daughter "this is work and you are putting it at risk!"
"we have a plan, it will work, if they want Bette out of the classroom ok...I will go alone. What changes?"
Another long silence. Bette was shocked, Tina had tried to look at her, she was petrified.
Tom then stared at the brunette "stay out for two weeks, take care of trivial cases, less serious things, get over yourself and sort out your personal situation, I will not allow mistakes with this case...and you..." Turning to Tina "if you make a mistake you will also take the consequences for Bette's mistakes...you are a team right? well for better or for worse."
Tina felt Bette's chair move and then her father finished the liquid in the cup. The door opened leaving them alone, Tina was so pissed but she did nothing, she also got up shortly after and went to tidy up things in her office promising to stop by Bette before leaving, she would be in a terrible mood. Her father had been too hard on Bette, she was the undisputed best.
But with little to do Shane warned Tina that the brunette had gone home early that day, without telling Tina, but this didn't upset her, Bette would be alone or she would take out her anger with a night run or she would work things out with Pippa. She didn't know.
Without thinking too much Tina took the car to go home, she was really tired,it had been a devastating week for her and Bette, Tina had seen very little of the house, and now she needed a nice bath and something hot to eat, maybe a take away.
The car pulled up in front of her front door, a steady rain as it had been for days, was putting Tina in a foul mood.
"Thanks Alan!"
She said to the man whose shift it was that day to take her home, quickly getting out to enter the dark gray and white brick foyer.
"Ufffffffff...."
She quickly shook her coat while brushing her hair back and wincing at the shape of a person leaning against the column to her side. Tina focused, while drops of water fell from her clothes for the few meters she had been in the rain, that shape was unmistakable.
"Bette...." She whispered almost in disbelief "is that you?" even though she knew.
The brunette moved away from the column, her wet hair on her face, coming out of the dim light of the doorway and making herself visible, her bag hanging from her hand, her heels and her coat now half dry.
"Sorry...I didn't know where to go..."
"Ei...are you...are you okay?"
Bette nodded "I have to...maybe I should go..."
Bette took quick steps forward almost to overtake Tina but the blonde didn't allow it, she only stopped her with her voice trying to keep her calm.
"Bette wait...don't worry...I'll call some Chinese food...is that okay?"
"I don't know why I'm here Tina..."
"You're panicking, it's okay! Let's go up please...there's nothing wrong..."
Bette was on the verge of tears, of breaking down, she would, maybe for the first time in front of Tina. She had never been like this, she had only been weak when Tina left, on the nights they were together Bette was strong, she was the alpha. She hugged Tina, held her tight, made her feel safe, it was so good. But when Tina left, Bette's world fell apart.
"come on..." Bette sniffed, looking at Tina like a lost puppy.
"I can't..."
"Bette, just come up, I'm hungry!"
In the four elevator floors they were silent, not speaking, Bette staring at the numbers going up and Tina staring at the door in front of her. It was all so strange.
The bell signaled their arrival on the floor and Tina opened the door of the apartment with the key, turning on a warm light in the hallway and small LEDs throughout the living room. It could have been a show apartment, it was wonderful.
Tina had impeccable taste, Bette was shocked, now she was truly a woman, no more posters or anything else, but paintings of inestimable value, minimal but warm, sweet colors. A huge sage green carpet at the foot of the fireplace in front of the TV and the ice-colored suede sofa, some blankets and warm-colored pillows. It was home.
"How long have you been here...not much?"
"Uhm a month actually, there is still something to do...but I'm working on it."
Tina took both of their coats and hung them on the coat rack.
"Thanks..."
"I'll get you some dry clothes, I have something over..."
"Sorry to bother you..."
"You're welcome.."
Tina shouted from the bedroom as Bette heard the closet doors slamming shut quickly and she adjusted to the warm living room.
"Here...you can change in the bathroom...I'll order in...do you always eat everything?"
"God yes..." Bette smiled hoarsely as she watched the casual blonde in her home.
When Bette came back with her hair still messy, a burgundy t-shirt of Tina and a beige cardigan, yoga pants. God she was beautiful Tina thought.
"Well these are perfect.."
"too much trouble Tina..."
"Oh...calm down. Sit down and I'll come back as a baseball player too!"
And so it happened, Tina returned her plaid shorts, a tight white t-shirt and a long red jacket.
"Dinner will be here soon..."
"I'll help you set the table."
"Yes, the glasses are there, I'll take care of the tablecloth."
In their little embarrassment mixed with a routine that was not so much uncomfortable as soft as silk, Bette and Tina found themselves sitting in front of the fireplace, on the floor on the soft carpet, two glasses and a bottle of red, Chinese food.
They had already done it.
"It was humiliating."
Tina looked at Bette, her gaze softening.
"I can understand that..."
She had to give the brunette a chance to speak, to let it all out, even if it was strange to Tina that Bette was doing this.
"I misjudged...I should never trust people."
"You can do it."
Bette smiled bitterly, rubbing her forehead.
"I don't think I can do this... you see I have this big problem..."
"What is it?"
Bette looked at Tina, the wine making her bolder.
"I don't trust anyone..."
Tina smiled "I know that... it's not your only problem."
"Really?"
"Yes..." Tina whispered, drinking some more wine.
"It was already over with her..."
Tina looked up quickly, scrutinizing the brunette's face as she stared at the stem of the glass she was playing with.
"What happened?"
Bette would have a hard time "Things got worse, it couldn't be a healthy relationship if you get to the point of thinking about doing certain things to each other."
It was a fair assessment.
"Sometimes you can fix it, but can't you?"
Bette smiled slightly "I don't think you can fix things...when you lose trust, right?..."
That was probably an implicit sentence, Tina thought about it.
"and then what a figure I make in front of your father..God I struggled so much to regain his trust after....well...you know."
Bette, noticing the tension, changed course.
"Ohhhhh....my father can be such an asshole!"
"Well in my case he was right...he always was...."
"Don't say that..."
"Yes Tina...look at me..." Bette stood up, she was nervous, she had to move "I screwed up in the past...and I'm doing it again now...."
The words came out muffled, with pain, dead passion, that's what she felt. She was hurting inside. Tina took it in and Bette was standing in the middle of her living room, her head pointing to the ceiling for a second.
"It's not like that Bette...we screwed up in the past...there were two of us...in fact, I pushed you in the beginning...I..."
"you were my boss's daughter Tina damn it! What the fuck was I thinking?" Bette screamed looking at the blonde "what the fuck was I thinking I was doing? Um? You were young, eight years younger than me, a girl fresh out of college!!!!"
"I was willing! I pushed you Bette... I courted you... charmed you.. pushed you to want me as your girlfriend... I was... I was madly in love okay?" the voice almost broke "I couldn't help it. It's also my fault.."
Bette looked at her, tilting her head to the side, one lip to bite.
"How can you be like this? After everything I've done... one mess after another. You... our story... Candace... I didn't need all these mistakes.."
Tina felt her vision blur, tears forming, that conversation was far too intense for them.
"But when I found out you were married... God... I was happy to know you were free... free from me Tina..."
Tina's heart skipped a beat. I thought it hurt you to lose me.
Bette let out tears, it really didn't seem possible to her, in two years of relationship, Tina had seen Bette cry very little, zero times had she heard "I love you" from the brunette's lips.Tina swallowed so hard Bette almost heard it.
"Do you regret it?"
"Of what? Of having cheated? Every day."
"No ..." Even if Tina was satisfied with that answer, it was already all "of us..of having let yourself go with me, of having let me seduce you...."
How could Bette answer that question? But above all, why was Tina asking it?
Bette lowered her face, watching her feet do a nervous dance. Then she decided she would say it properly this time.
"I'll never regret that part Tina...despite everything."
The words came out sweet as honey, soft, fast but also slow for Tina who was listening, learning them for the first time in years.
"But I deny everything else..." Bette was crying "my closure, my inability to love and be loved, my infidelity. Everything...I'm an insensitive monster. Incompetent Tina..."
She absentmindedly wiped her tears with the back of her hand.
Tina threw her napkin on the table and slowly stood up, Bette was shocked, Tina didn't know what to do but she would do what she really felt like doing.
"Look at me... I'm a total mess."
Bette waved her arms from side to side not knowing where to put them.
"We are a mess Bette, no one is perfect. You can lose control..."
"I can't ..." Bette was crying her eyes out "I can't Tina..."
"You can Bette..."
Tina whispered as she got closer to Bette trying not to invade her space too much, but she wanted it, God she wanted it. So much. Bette saw the blonde getting closer and closer, the perfume invading her, so delicate, the aroma of flowers and vanilla. It was still the same. Bette closed her eyes.
"I don't know what's happening...why am I falling apart like this..."
"maybe it was just a matter of time..."
"maybe you have just been wanting to do this for years..."
Bette whispered in complete sincerity, making Tina leap forward, capturing her hand and intertwining it with the brunette's, while the other one in slow motion went to her cheek.
"Tina...."
"I don't know what I'm doing Bette..."
"don't do this then..."
"why?"
Every word was a plea.
A pain.
A stab.
"Because we're going to get hurt...you...I'm going to hurt you again...We won't get up again!"
"For once we could just feel what we need Bette...without denying each other..I've denied you for so long."
"Really?"
Tina slid her hand from her cheek to her collarbone, their free hands still intertwined in a firm grip.
"yes...I don't know what it is Bette...but we need it...I just want us to follow what we feel for once, without someone in between...just the two of us..."
Tina whispered those words so close to Bette that shortly after their lips joined so delicately. Once, twice, the third time more persistent and then they never separated again, in fact their mouths opened and then separated.
Eyes in eyes.
"what do we do?"
"it won't work."
"I can't manage to love Tina..."
"I don't ask you to love me even now...I ask you to be ourselves...you need me."
The kisses continued between one whisper and another, tight hugs and delicate hands along the backs.
"How do you know?"
"I just know...you need sleep...to cry...someone to hold you and make you feel safe, for once. It's your turn."
Tina felt Bette's salty tears as they kissed, the brunette's heart was broken, but maybe it could be mended and she didn't know that Tina's was broken too and she didn't even know how much. Would she ever tell her? Maybe not, maybe never. Who knows if Bette would ever see that side of her? That fragility.
But now she couldn't see her, she shouldn't see her. Tina had to be strong for Bette and no one else, it wasn't her pain that mattered, it was Bette's pain now that mattered.
They stood nose to nose, looking into each other's eyes, eating each other out.
Bette sketched a smile that made Tina lose her mind. The brunette pulled back Tina's blonde locks, brushing them delicately to better observe the now free face, she was so beautiful, so strange to have her there, in her arms and even if there was an urgency as always there was also a delicacy.
Tina felt her legs go weak for a second and she wrapped her strong arms around Bette's back. Breast to breast.
"Stop crying..."
"I don't think I'll stop so quickly...your night won't be that romantic.."
Tina laughed and kissed Bette again passionately, their tongues recognizing each other, tasting each other.
"Do you remember how good it was to sleep together?"
Bette closed her eyes remembering those moments
"It was my favorite moment....well beyond...."
Tina silenced her with a quick kiss. "It's what we need.."
"will you really do this for me? after everything that..."
"enough with the past Bette...let's not think about it tonight. We're just two women who need to sleep cuddled...together...nothing more...we won't hurt anyone...and tomorrow...we'll wake up destroyed maybe, or maybe better."
Bette continued to cry delicately now "ok..." she whispered trembling.
Tina took Bette's hand, leading her into the bedroom, as elegant and welcoming as the rest of the house, Bette shivered at the sight of Tina's bed, as she pulled down the covers for them and how gently she pulled Bette down beside her, holding her tightly against her chest. It took only a few seconds for Bette to melt and start crying again, this time long, hard, chest-ripping sobs.
Tina held her as tightly as she could, kissed her temples, brushed her hair. She wanted Bette to feel safe, at home. Even if it were just for that night, Tina didn't know if they were doing right or wrong, but it was impossible to do otherwise. Maybe the next morning Tina would wake up shocked, with love in her heart, pain in her chest and Bette walking away without saying a word. Resetting what had happened.
Maybe Bette would come back strong, without needing anyone.
But for now Bette needed her and that mattered. It didn't matter if Bette had ever loved her.
Not that night.