Toxic
Usually Sirius liked to blame the fact that he grew up in a toxic family. He didn’t know better, it was all he had had his whole life. Other times he liked to deny the thoughts about toxicity whenever it came up. He knew what it meant for something to be toxic. So if he loved and laughed how could it be toxic?
It was also easy to deny something that seemed so perfect to the outside world. Because his and Remus' relationship was the definition of a perfect relationship to strangers and friends. Well, for most of them at least. They were the couple who might slip into their own little world from time to time. All smiles and sweet laughs. Love. They talked sweetly, darling, my love, sweetheart, they showed affection, hey i love you, holding hands, hugging, kissing, overall they are happy.
Until they aren’t. Behind the closed doors, the picture perfect couple shattered. They yelled, they called each other nasty names, they said things you should never say to another person. Of course it wasn’t always like that, but when it was.. It was bad.
It's ugly, but oh it is so them.
It’s Sirius and Remus, Remus and Sirius, SiriusRemus, RemusSirius, siriusremus, remussirius-
To be truth Sirius wouldn’t know how to be if it wasn’t like that.
It’s like a game. A ticking time bomb. They both wait for the moment another one of them starts the fight. Like a tag. Last time I yelled first. It's your turn now. That’s fair right?
It’s never physical, neither of them hurt each other. It wasn’t like either of them was ever scared of each other, scared of what the other one might do. When Remus yells, Sirius yells back because he can. He thinks part of it is that they know they’ll never do anything to each other. That’s why they can do it so freely. He might say he hates Remus, but at the end of the day he still curls up to Remus’ side in their shared bed, tells him he loves him and falls asleep feeling safer than anywhere else in the world.
That’s why he thinks it’s okay. They forgive each other, sometimes they might even talk it through. But the most important part is forgiving, saying it’s okay that you said that. I forgive you, I know you and know not everything you say is something you mean.
I’m not mad, okay? Hey, look at me. Sweetheart, look at me. It’s okay, Sirius. I forgive you, I love you. You know that I love you right? More than anything else.
It’s the sweet words, the light brown eyes and the look in them. That’s what makes Sirius forgive everything. And maybe it’s his blue ones that make Remus melt every time.
But then there is James. James who says someone who loves you shouldn’t make you that sad. If he loves you he wouldn’t dare to make you cry. Sirius tells him that’s stupid. Because couple’s fight, it’s normal. Besides he is an adult, he knows when something isn’t good for him. He knows when to stop. It’s not like he's addicted to the chase, to the pull. They suffocate each other, but everytime bring each other back to life.
Maybe it’s sick and twisted
it’s… fuck.. it is addictive
So maybe Sirius is an addict. He’s heard an addict won’t heal if that’s not what they want. It has to start from the addict itself.
And he has no desire to get better.