Alone
Remus was alone, he really was.
After over ten years he was alone. No one was going to burst through the door ever again. No one was going to need him anymore, want him anymore.
There was no one.
Except there was Mary, but Remus really hoped she was far away already. Somewhere where she could finally breathe. Maybe not right now, but eventually. Maybe someday they could meet again, when Mary was all healed.
Remus really hopes Mary will move on, because what comes to him…
Well
It felt like the world was laughing at him, pointing its finger at him.
Did he really think he could be happy?
Oh what a fool he was. He should have known, he should have been on alert this whole time. How could he, a man who got bit by a werewolf at the age of five, get a happy ending?
No
If your life starts horribly it won’t have a happy ending either. That’s just the rule and no matter how good cards you get handed at some point they will trick you eventually. The cards will end up being bad one’s, the cards no one wants so they will just pass them on, pass them on and on until the line comes to an end.
Remus stands at the end of the line, he’s the last person standing.
Concretely.
So did he actually win?
No, he did not.
His best friends are dead, all cruelly killed, murdered.
And the love of his life, or well someone he thought was the love of his life.
He, he.. Killed their friends. He betrayed them and then killed them. Well not all of them so is he supposed to feel lucky?
He didn’t kill all of them, so don’t worry!
Fuck that
He really thought he knew him, he thought he knew.. Sirius. Remus knew him better than he knew himself. And at the same time Sirius knew him, hell, he was all Remus is.. Was. Every bone, every cell in his body yelled Sirius’ name. It was all he knew, because Sirius was that deep in him. Over the years he had made his way through even to the smallest parts in Remus and made himself home.
And it’s dumb how he’s using the past tense, as if he isn’t there anymore.
Well he is.
And Remus hates it. He hates it, because he should hate Sirius, he really should.
But he can’t, fuck, he can’t even if he tried. And he had tried, but it’s no use.
How can you tell your mind to stop loving someone you have loved for years. It just doesn’t happen, it’s not a button you can press to turn everything off.
All he can do is wait and wallow in memories. Memories from Hogwarts, of all four of them together. James…
Oh how he misses James.
James
James
James
If Remus is the moon then James definitely was the sun. Always shining, even when he didn’t have to, shining for others when they couldn’t. Because that’s what James was, he cared. He really fucking cared. He cared for the people that didn’t care for him, he cared for the people who definitely didn’t deserve it. James was perfect, James was everything. And what use do you have of the moon, if you don’t have the sun? Absolutely nothing.
It can’t shine if it doesn't have the sun’s power to do so. It can’t shine if it doesn’t have its star in there. Alongside with the moon together like they’re mean to be.
Sirius is definitely a star, like the name he had been given, he is the star. Stars shine, the same way the sun does. That’s why James and Sirius always worked so well. They didn’t need each other to shine, but they were so much better when they could both shine, not on each other's shadows, but together.
Remus couldn’t shine, but he did because of them.
Now the lights are gone, but Remus is still here.
Far away from the lights he so badly needs, just floating somewhere in the dark. He’s not sure if he’s trying to look for it, or for something else. For something he could reach for.
But for now, that’s enough. He will keep floating until he feels like swimming again. He’s not sure when that is, but it will come to him.
The light will get to him in a way or another.
Remus might not know it yet, but it’s there. It’s not the same one, it’s still small and doesn’t really know its place yet. But it’s pushing through, looking for something it can shine its light to.
The sun and the moon have met before. The sun has Lily’s perfect green eyes and James’ wild hair.
And it’s the something Remus will reach for when it’s the right time.