“My little darkling, growing up so fast.”
Your mother stood in the wooden door frame, watching you put on the black dress she’d chosen for tonight. Tonight. The night you would be marked and become a Death Eater, joining the rest of your family. Your body hadn’t let you breathe properly since you woke up that morning, the anxiety and nerves making it feel as though your throat had closed up – despite so many physical signs, your mother noticed nothing, only seeing her only daughter finally following in her footsteps, just as your brothers had upon their seventeenth year. The way she’d been preparing you, you felt more like a human sacrifice than a willing participant. Not that you were exactly a willing participant.
_____
“Y/N, your family is known to have very close ties with Voldemort.” Dumbledore sits behind his desk, eyes piercing you like a needle.
Your heart sped up, That’s it, I’m finally getting expelled. “Headmaster, I’m not–”
He held up a hand, cutting you off and stood up as you trembled before him. “No, no, you’ve misunderstood. I know better than most that our family does not define us.”
Dumbledore now stood right before you, the light from his window casting his front in shadow but making him seem like a god walking.
“Y/N, I am part of a group that actively works against Voldemort and his… group. I would like to formally invite you to join the Order of the Phoenix.”
You went to speak but he held up a hand, halting your words.
“Before you accept, I want you to know that I have a special task planned for you, one which I would not force anyone to carry out against their wishes. The nature of the task also means that the other members of the Order will not and cannot know you are an active member – it opens up too many variables.”
There is a pause as he stares at you, scrutinizing every miniscule reaction on your face.
“Your family connection puts you in a unique situation. My special task for you is to join Voldemort’s ranks so that we, as the resistance, can have someone on the inside to provide us vital information and warning.”
It was the first time anyone in a position of authority had looked at you and seen someone important. This task could change the course of the impending war, your efforts could bring about the end or The End.
“I accept.”
_____
Now, six months later, you were following your mother down your manor hallway, finally about to receive the Mark – marking you as an official member of the group you’d accepted to infiltrate. Walking in the candlelit gloominess, it felt like being led to your death. The last six months were harder than you thought they would be; living a double life without either side knowing the other existed draining you of nearly everything.
It’s finally here. Everything we’d been working towards.
Your best friends were official members of the Order, though they didn’t know you knew, so your prolonged absences from school and change in behaviour went fairly unnoticed as James, Remus, and Sirius were always occupied with whatever tasks and missions Dumbledore required of them. However, the hardest part of the double life was not seeing them. Not being able to crawl into James’ arms and unload everything after a bad day. Sitting in the room as Sirius broke down after his family tried to mark him against his will and knowing that you were joining the ranks of the people he despised most – the people that had hurt him the most in the entire world. It was a lonely time and you certainly did not expect to connect with anyone in the group as you had.
The hallway ended in a tall, ornate arc, opening up into what was once the manor chapel. Now, the pews were pushed off to the side, creating a complete circle around an altar that stood in the middle, nothing but a green and black velvet fabric draped over it. The pews were completely full of witches and wizards, young and old, in black dress robes and wearing white masks that covered half their face – the traditional dress for formal Death Eater gatherings. Finally, after all these months, being in the ceremony, amongst the candles and strong scents of incense, low murmurs of members, you felt as a secondary participant in your own body.
“Do you accept the Mark and the cause, with your whole heart, mind, body, and soul?”
“I do, my Lord.”
“Lay and bear the mark.”
You lay back on the altar presenting your left forearm, your brothers coming forward to hold your body down to the stone. You feel the Dark Lord’s wand touch the soft skin and then, an indescribable pain. Fire coursing through your entire body, a knife stabbing into your arm, a venomous snake latching onto your skin. Your body writhes up and a tortured scream that you realize is your own fills the air. Your brothers’ hands hold you down, ensuring that the process is fulfilled to completion. You feel everything and then, suddenly, the pain ebbs away, replaced only with a dull throb in your arm.
“We welcome our newest member to the Death Eater ranks. Welcome Y/N Y/L/N.”
_____
“Headmaster, sir, something’s happening.” You sat across from Dumbledore, his desk stretched between you two, a cup of steaming tea left untouched before you. “We’ve been summoned tomorrow night to meet in small groups of seven. I’m supposed to meet at the Malfoy manor and Severus is with my brothers at our family manor.”
“Do you have any more information?”
“We’ve been instructed to wear our full Death Eater garb.” You paused. “With the full-face mask.”
Tomorrow’s date loomed over you. The full mask meant you were going to be going out in public, amongst non-Death Eaters. Which meant nothing good could come of it.
“Please sir, allow me to retreat from my position. They’ve been–” Your voice cracked and you had to pause to gather your wits about you. “They’ve been teaching me the Unforgivables. Please, do not make me use them tomorrow…”
Dumbledore lifted his teacup to his lips, taking a sip before answering. The time stretched before you, hope flickering with every movement of his face.
A rush of cold washed over you, the hope quickly extinguished.
“I am sorry, Y/N. But this is the furthest anyone has gotten into Voldemort’s circle. It is pertinent that you do not waver now.”
You didn’t even notice standing up, your legs acting of their own volition and carrying you out of Dumbledore’s office and down the stairs. They carried you all the way into the Gryffindor Towers before you came to and realized where you’d just brought yourself. James’s room. Inside, you could hear the boys arguing about something or the other. The word broom and bludger were tossed around a lot – so one could assume a very stimulating and important argument about the latest Quidditch match was in full force.
“Y/N! I feel as though I haven’t seen you in ages.”
You turned to find Remus standing there, arms full of library books, no doubt just on his way back from there. He passed by you and motioned for you to come in. The boys were each sitting on their beds, a mess of food wrappers and unopened bags of snacks on the floor in the middle of the room. Your heart twisted upon seeing them.
“Y/N! Fancy a snack? Or me?” Sirius winked and you rolled your eyes, tension loosening in your heart a little.
“Y/N!” James jumped up like a puppy after a day alone, wrapping you in his arms and his warmth. His lips left featherlight kisses on the top of your head before moving down to your face. The feeling, the utter comfort and happiness that stemmed from you to your boyfriend, brought tears to your eyes – everything from earlier finally coming to surface. James saw your face and stopped, cupping your cheek in his large hand. “Everything okay, love?” He whispered just loud enough for you to hear.
You forced a smile through the tears. “Yeah.” You grabbed his arm and pulled him onto the bed with you, his body instantly coming to wrap itself around you, effectively cocooning you. Your face dipped to the crook of his neck – where you could feel the warmth of his skin directly on your face and smell his natural scent mixed with some grass from the Quidditch field. “It’s just been a rough day.”
They continued their argument around you, leaving you in peace to cuddle with your boyfriend. The laughter and conversation lulled your body and mind – wracked with exhaustion from worry and lies – into the most comfortable sleep you’d had in ages, surrounded by your best friends and boyfriend. You weren’t one to toss your faith in with God but at that moment you prayed to god to keep you and all the boys in this room safe tomorrow.
_____
As soon as you put on the mask you felt like you couldn’t breathe, your breath stolen behind the metal with the reality of what you were about to be forced into – what you couldn’t escape because if you left Dumbledore’s side then there would be nobody to vouch for your innocence. A small group of you were gathered in the Malfoy’s manor, some casually sprawled out on the various chairs in their dining room and some, this their first time participating in such an activity, standing or sitting with a rigid straightness in their posture. Someone brushed up behind you, their arm snaking to your side. A breath ghosted across your ear, sending a shiver down your spine.
“The Death Eater look suits you, Y/N.” Lucius’s voice came out raspy and way too close to you for comfort.
“Get off of me Lucius. You know very well that if my brothers were here you wouldn’t be as well off as you are right now.” You didn’t turn to face him, not willing to give him the satisfaction. “One wrong step and maybe one of them will finally get the chance to bed Narcissa, like they wished to.”
You felt his grip tighten in warning but before he had the chance to do anything else a figure entered the room, cutting off all conversation. It was not the Dark Lord himself but instead one of his most trusted – sent to relay your instructions for the night. Just as suddenly as he appeared, he left and your group was off, disapparating one at a time.
By the time you apparated to the location you were given, guttural screams of terror and pain could be heard all around you. The weather seemed to sense the mournful events that were taking place and showered rain down on you, the droplets hitting you causing you to look up at where the ceiling should be – where there was now just a large hole, the Dark Mark shining bright in the sky above it. You remained in the shadows, too stunned and terrified to make a genuine move into the fray that was unfolding before you. It was as if a massacre was taking place – that might as well have been what was happening. None of the witches and wizards present were ready for a fight and many still, bleeding bodies littered the ground, their limbs bent in impossible angles. Others fought back with whatever they could, you saw a group being edged into the corner, a man and woman sheltering the group of young children behind them. In the center of the room, you could see Death Eaters suspending the innocent Muggle caretaker and his wife and children upside down. The children’s tear-soaked cheeks and snotty noses made your heart hurt, but you couldn’t do a single thing to try and help them without outing yourself.
“Wands down!” The front door burst down and your heart stopped. There, right behind the Auror Moody, were James and Sirius followed by some other members of the Order.
You stepped further back into the shadows but before you could go far you bumped into something, or rather someone.
“Now, now, where are you going little darkling?” The favorite mocking nickname for you amongst the Death Eaters ever since it left your mothers’ lips at an official meeting came snaking down at you from Lucius’s lips.
“You don’t exactly seem in the thick of the action if you’re standing behind me Lucius.” You hissed, trying to keep your heart from giving out and your throat from closing up. Already you could see the edges of your vision turning black from the anxiety wracking your body.
“Well I’ve already caused my fair share of damage.” His hand cupped the bottom of your mask, touching your face and turning your face towards a pile of bodies against one of the walls. Then he turned it towards where James and Sirius were in defensive stances, facing two Death Eaters. “You, however, haven’t left the shadows and seemed to only sink deeper when you saw those two. Oh, the Potter boy used to be your boyfriend, was he not? Back when you used to slum with the blood-traitors.” His fingers tightened on your chin, lips coming down to brush against your ear. “Or do you still slum with them..?”
You wrenched yourself free from his grip, turning to face him, mask to mask. “Don’t go making accusations based on some delusional observations, Lucius. That’s an awfully strong stance to take with someone who’s entire family is loyal to the cause.”
“Then prove it.” He nudged you out of the shadows, into the chaos beyond the threshold. “I’ll be watching.” Then Lucius stepped back and blended back into the darkness.
“You go, I’ve got this.” Sirius yelled to James, nudging in your direction.
James nods and advances towards you, forcing you to take up a defensive stance. You refused to use any of the Unforgivables, you would not stoop that low. But you could feel Lucius’s piercing gaze behind you so you had to do something. Couldn’t just stand here doing nothing.
“Put your wand down and surrender!” James shouted.
You couldn’t speak back, he’d recognize your voice in an instant. The chaos around you ensued but standing there, facing James, you felt like it was just the two of you in the room – both of you frozen in defensive stances.
“You seem young, can’t you see what a mistake you’re making?!”
Oh believe me, I know, I tried to get out of it. I begged to get out of it.
It comes out of nowhere, breaking the freeze between you and James.
“You’re taking too long!” Lucius runs out of the shadows, towards the two of you, aiming his wand at James. “Avada Kedavra!”
Everything seems to go in slow motion, the spell leaving his lips and a single drop of light leaving his wand. You watched it sail closer to you and, before you could think, your legs moved between the light and James, stepping into its path. Just as you were stepping into the path, you heard a deflective spell leave James’ lips. Both hit you at the same time, it was so sudden that you felt nothing – a smile of relief that your boyfriend was still alive painting your face just before your lifeless body fell to the floor.
_____
James watched the Death Eater before him fall to the floor, both the killing curse and his defensive spell hitting them at the same time.
They… they stepped into the line of fire. Why?
“Traitor.” Lucius’s voice bubbled up from beneath the mask of the Death Eater who sent the killing curse. He looked up to make eye contact with James from beneath his mask. “Nice girlfriend you got there.” He said, nodding to the ground between them. The still, slight body lying there.
James’ heart stopped. “No.”
Pops of disapparating Death Eaters could be heard all around them, a silent command prompting their leave. But none of the noise seemed to register in James’ ears. Not Sirius coming up next to him and telling him they had to leave, not Moody bellowing from across the room for someone to fetch the Healers. Everything was muted to him as he stepped forward, bending low to kneel over the Death Eater on the ground. His hands came up to the mask, slowly lifting it. With the mask off, his girlfriend now lay before him, her eyes closed and face still, chest unmoving. The slightest trickle of blood flowed out of one of her eyes, like she was crying in death. Everything in James froze, struggling to process everything before him.
“Holy shit.” Now Sirius’s words reached his ears. “That’s…”
Everything passed by in a blur. Sirius dragging James up from the floor, holding him close and upright. Your body being lifted onto a plank of wood, the shift making the cloak of your left arm ride up, displaying the Dark Mark pulsing on your skin. Moody ordering for the disposal of your body, the only Death Eater to die in this struggle, not even batting an eye upon seeing your face.
_____
The time between your death and being thrust back into the world felt like seconds to you. At first you thought you had gotten lucky, you didn’t die, somehow the killing curse didn’t reach you. But then you lifted your hands and saw right through them, having to squint to see the outline of what your body once looked like. James stood before you, held upright by Sirius, both of their faces ashen and frozen in disbelief. Neither gave any sign of being able to see you.
“Dispose of this body.” Moody’s rough voice sounded next to you. “In fact, burn it in the street to let any onlookers see what we do to Death Eaters.”
“No!” The words left your mouth but came out as nothing more than a breeze, not leaving their mark on anything.
You watched as your body was carried out of the church and dumped onto the street before it. You couldn’t force your body out of the church no matter how hard you tried so you were stuck at the threshold, watching as your body went up in flames, the pulsing Dark Mark the last thing you saw before it turned to nothing but dust and ash. You felt a painful pull in your chest, like being dragged by a string connected to your heart, and turned to see James being led away and then another member of the Order coming up to him, holding his shoulder before a loud pop sounded and they both disapparated. The pain suddenly got so intense that you fell to your knees, black clouding your vision and just as quickly snuffing out whatever version of consciousness you now had.
“It is with great sorrow in my heart that I inform you that someone I had thought was a loyal and genuinely good child has turned out to be quite the opposite.” Dumbledore’s voice filled your ears. “Today we learned that Y/N was and seemed to have been a Death Eater for a while. Let us be at rest with the fact that she is no longer a Death Eater, may we wish for her redemption on her new journey.”
You opened your eyes and found yourself in the parlor of the Potter manor. Surrounding you were members of the Order, Dumbledore standing in the front of the room addressing the group. James sat next to you, Sirius’s arm wrapped around his shoulders for comfort.
Wait. What. The words you had just heard Dumbledore say registered in your mind, anger flaring within you. Though you knew it would be pointless, you yelled, directing all your anger at your old Headmaster. “I’m innocent! I was a spy for you! I died and you’re letting them think that I was a defector?!”
Dumbledore’s eyes turned and locked with yours, his eyes widening the tiniest bit. He saw you. He heard you. But nobody else in the room stirred and so he turned his head, ignoring you.
“Let us use this as a reminder that anyone can be lured by Voldemort, even those we trust the most.”
Your anger swelled to immeasurable heights and just as suddenly, the chandelier above everyone shattered, sending glass shards everywhere and sending the room into chaos. Dumbledore simply looked in your direction, a pitying expression on his face.
_____
You realized quickly that, for some reason, you couldn’t stray too far from James. What an endless torture it was to be with the one you loved most wholeheartedly but to not be able to speak to him or have him know you were there, and to have him think you had betrayed him. Some days, he couldn’t get out of bed. Some, he simply threw himself fully into the cause, ignoring any and all his feelings. You watched along as Sirius and Remus drank with him, Firewhiskey loosening their lips and their emotions ranging from cursing out your entire existence to tears filling their eyes as to how you could have betrayed them and how you could be dead. Since the instance in the parlor, you were unable to be heard by anyone else nor cause anything else to shatter. You were just stuck, following the boy who was once your boyfriend and now thought you had been the most wretched human being on the planet.
Six months passed, then October 31 was upon everyone. Samhain, the day when the veil between life and death was the thinnest. It was the night of the 30th and you were in the boys’ dorm room, sitting at the window and looking out the window at the various ghosts and poltergeists zooming around the Hogwarts grounds in anticipation of their favorite day of the year. Inside the room, the boys were sprawled throughout the room, the amber of the Firewhiskey their passed around bouncing off of all the walls in the candlelight. They were moody, opting for candles instead of normal lights, a telltale sign of the fact. Peter was off somewhere with the little Slytherin girlfriend he seemed to have acquired for himself. Sirius had some sort of angsty rock band playing on the record player and the Firewhiskey swiftly moved from hand to hand.
The clock tower chimed 12AM and the candle flames rose high for a moment, the record skipping a beat and then skipping out completely. The room went silent and you turned your head from your seat on the windowsill to find three pairs of eyes staring back at you.
“Y/N..?” James whispered, grabbing the bottle of water laying near his bed, immediately thinking he was drunk and seeing things.
You lifted your hands to the light and, where you usually saw right through them, you now had to squint to see the faint outline of shapes behind them. “Holy shit.” The words left your mouth and you actually heard them this time, echoing through the silence of the room.
A cup came sailing towards you and you ducked right as it was about to hit you, sending it shattering against the window.
“How could you!” Sirius yelled, grabbing the bottle of Firewhiskey to throw before Remus launched himself on top of him to stop him. “You were there when I escaped them marking me! You comforted me! And the whole time you, you were…” His voice broke in anger and anguish.
Remus turned to you, still sitting on top of Sirius to keep him from throwing anything. “We trusted you. We let you into our inner circle. Shared with you our greatest secrets. And you betrayed us.”
James stayed silent, refusing to even look at you. Your heart ached.
“You don’t understand.” Your voice came out hoarse from misuse.
“What don’t we understand?!” James finally yelled, standing up and stalking towards you, wand up and pointed at you. “I trusted you. I loved you. And the whole time you were–”
“Dumbledore lied!” You yelled and everyone in the room froze. “I was in the Order! I was on the Order’s side! He told me he needed someone on the inside and I was the only one who could get close enough, so I did it! I was spying for him!”
The silence was so thick it could be cut with a knife.
You felt the tears you were never able to cry before stream down your face. “I begged him to let me leave when I got the order to go to that massacre. I BEGGED. And he wouldn’t let me. Then you two showed up, and Lucius sent the killing curse and… and I did the one thing I could think to do.”
“You saved my life.” James whispered, his wand falling with a thunk on the floor.
“I don’t know why Dumbledore lied, but he did.” You came up to James, bringing a cold hand to cup his cheek, the feeling of finally being able to touch him making your heart ache even more because it could not always be like this. “I love you, James Potter. Always have and always will.” You brought your face close until your foreheads and noses touched. “Even in death, I couldn’t leave you.”
You were both crying now, tears falling onto the rug below. Finally, James brought his hands up to cup your cheeks. His eyes lock with yours and he gets close, whispering, “I love you so much my heart hasn’t felt whole since that day I saw dead before me.”
“I’ll be with you always, even if you cannot see me.” You could feel your tether to this world loosening, your final words said and everything put back into place, alleged wrongs put in order.
James leaned in and your lips met for one last time. By the time he opened his eyes again, you were gone, leaving behind only your sweet taste and warmth on his lips.