Sirius Black was a trainwreck, to say the least. He was skinny, pale, and obviously drunk. Thanks to Dumbledore's orders Sirius had to stay in Grimmauld Place aka his worst nightmare. He couldn’t even sleep a full night without having a nightmare of Walburga torturing him. It was absolute and utter hell and he didn’t know if he had the strength anymore to put up with it.
One night after another Order meeting about all the complete and utter shit that was going on that Sirius could do nothing about Sirius drunkenly decided to visit his dear younger brother Regulus’ room. He found that it was covered in dust as expected considering he refused to let anyone clean the room. He found it in perfect condition with not a single thing out of place that brought tears to his eyes. Regulus was always the cleaner one out of the two of them and always made sure his room was the cleanest.
Sirius found his way over to Regulus’ desk and opened one of the drawers he found pencils and parchment and nothing worth a second glance. He then opened the next draw and saw something that caught his eye. A photo of his brother and another boy were looking at each other as if they were the only people in the entire world. Sirius turned the photo over and saw written on the back the name Matthew dated April 16, 1976. He went back to the drawer to find anything else that could explain this. He found tons of photos of Regulus and Matthew, some of them separately taken by the other and some of them together all dated from 1974 to 1977. He also found dried flowers, little scraps of paper with hearts, and love confessions written all over them. At the bottom of the drawer, he found one singular letter and he read it.
Dear Regulus,
I know you warned me that I should not write to you but I could not resist. That’s the effect you have on me, my love. I spend all of my time thinking of you. I worry about you, I miss you, I fear for you, and mostly I just love you. I know I say it a lot but I mean it with my entire heart, body, and soul. You are like a drug to me and I can’t get enough. I'm addicted but I don’t think I’ll ever stop and I really don’t want to. I pray to every god in existence that your parents aren’t doing unspeakable things to you. I feel so helpless when I think of the terrible things they have done to you. I know that you say that there is nothing I can do but I wish I could break into your home, steal you and we would run away to the countryside of France or wherever you want. I know it sounds silly and it's impossible but I don’t know maybe it's my little glimmer of hope for us. I can't wait to get back to Hogwarts so I can spend all my time with you. I feel as if I have so much more to say but I know I can’t so I will leave it at this. I really do hope you get this and I understand that you can't write back but just the thought of you reading this makes me the happiest man in the world.
With all my love forever and always,
Matthew Vervian.
Tears were flowing out of Sirius’ eyes he felt like he couldn’t breathe he shoved all the stuff back in the drawer and swore to never ever think of it again. He exited the room and went straight to the basement to get another bottle of firewhiskey. Even with the amount of alcohol Sirius drank in the past few weeks, he couldn’t forget the photos, the piece of paper, and least of all the letter. The mere idea of Regulus made Sirius want to drown in alcohol but knowing that he was in love and that he was in love with a man made him want to actually die on the spot. He knew what he had to do, he had to find some sort of closure and with the time he had, he knew somehow he was going to do it. So the next time Moody came to the house Sirius pulled him over and asked, “Hey Moody can you do me a favor and get me the address of someone.” “Yeah who is it?” Moody said. “You aren’t going to question me,” Sirius asked. “To be honest I am way too tired to question you and if this will get you to stop drinking and moping around then I’m willing to do anything,” Moody answered. “I’m gonna try to not take offense to that but his name is Matthew Vervian,” Sirius said. Moody gave him a nod and then left which then again left Sirius all alone.
A few days later when Sirius eventually woke up from drinking himself to sleep he looked over to his side and saw a note. Written on the notes was the address 567 Calartha Rd Penzance, United Kingdom. Underneath the address, Moody wrote Don’t do anything stupid. Sirius got out of the old chair he was sitting in and started to go upstairs to get ready for his adventure. He looked at himself in the mirror and although he looked much worse than he did before Azkaban it wasn’t horrible. Sirius stood there for god knows how long debating it. If he went he could be sent back to Azkaban in a heartbeat, but if he doesn’t go he will regret it and never have the closure he so desperately wanted. He knew what he needed to do. For his sanity, he needed the truth about his brother so with a crack he was gone.
For being in Azkaban for over 12 years Sirius’ magic wasn’t as bad as he originally thought, ending up right outside the gate to the cottage he hoped Matthew lived in. He opened the gate and started to walk up to the door for what felt like an entirety and a second at the same time. In the window, he saw stacks of books, old lamps, and so many tiny things he thought he got the address of an old lady. As soon as he knocked on the door he heard movement from inside and braced himself. The door opened cautiously and then opened fully with a lanky man with curly brown hair and round glass standing at it. “Sirius Black it’s been a while since I last saw you. I think in person it was the last day of seventh year for the both of us I’m sure. But the last time I heard about you is when you got locked up. Would you like to come in for some tea?” the man asked with a smile gesturing Sirius inside.
Sirius entered the home without a word thinking that this man must be a fucking lunatic. “Please sit down,” the man said.
Sirius sat down at an old table with two old chairs. The table was covered with marks from paint to markers, in the center there was a stack of books that looked worn. “You’ll have to excuse the mess, I never really get any company except for Fanny on special occasions,” Matthew said. He started to make two cups of tea by pulling out two old mugs and putting a kettle on.
“I hope you don’t mind earl grey, that's all I seem to have at the moment,” he asked. “It’s fine thank you,” Sirius said with a choke. The man made the cup of tea with no magic whatsoever which was strange to Sirius considering that he and most of the people he knew used magic for basically everything. The man took the tea bag, placed them in the cups, and poured the boiling water over them. He then let them steep and drained them before taking them out. “Any cream or sugar?” he asked. “No thanks,” Sirius responded. The man walked over to the table, setting one mug near Sirius and the other towards him before sitting down himself.
Sirius took a huge gulp of the tea even though it was scolding hot. “Regulus always drank his tea scolding hot. He used to say that the pain was worth it and that the tea tasted disgusting after it cooled down,” Matthew said with a smile. Sirius looked at him shocked. One reason was that he never heard anyone speak of Regulus in a while and in such a positive light.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you upset. I just thought that it was why you were here. To ask about Regulus is that not what you came here to do,” Matthew asked.
Sirius shook his head and responded “Yeah that’s why I’m here but before that why are you treating me like this. Most people would have called the ministry and had me taken to Azkaban straight away.” “Yes they would, wouldn’t they” Matthew chuckled. “The reason why I’m not doing that is that I know that you are innocent. No Dumbledore or anyone else did not tell me I figured it out myself. Though you never even knew of my existence in Hogwarts I knew of yours. I saw how you acted with James and Lily and I knew deep down that there was no way that you would betray them for Tom Riddle. To me, it just doesn’t add up even with your family heritage. Because you Sirius treated them more like your family than your actual family,” he said. “Um I don't really know what to say now,” Sirius responded. “There’s no need to say anything at all,” Matthew responded.
“Okay, then can I ask you to tell me about you and Regulus?” Sirius asked. “You want the full story?” Matthew asked. “Yes everything the good the bad all of it,” Sirius pleaded.
“Okay, where do I start? I first noticed Regulus when I was in third year him in second year. I noticed him because he came over to me in the library while I was reading and asked if he could sit at a seat across from me which I said sure. This became a routine for us. I would be reading or doing homework. He would come over to ask if he could sit and then he would do his homework or read. I would never admit this to him but on some of the days where he would be late, I began to panic and worry silly now that I think of it. On the last day before the year ended just as I went back to the spot one last time for the year, I found a book on the table with a note saying I thought you would enjoy this. It was the Selfish Giant by Oscar Wilde and to his credit, I did enjoy the book very much,” Matthew said with a chuckle.
Sirius had never thought of his brother as the thoughtful gift-giving type which made him sad because he realized that he really didn’t know anything about his brother.
Matthew continued not realizing Sirius’ shift in emotion, “The next year when I was in fourth year and him in his third year is when we actually started to hang out more. At first, we just followed the same routine in the corner of the library and it worked. Then one day in October I decided that I would much rather sit outside and study than be cooped up inside since it would probably be the last sunny day of the year. So I went outside and found a tree hidden away from everyone and everything sat down and started to get work done. I don’t know how long I had been working but then all of a sudden I felt someone watching me. I lifted my head from the book I was reading and I saw him standing in front of me with a look at the time I thought was confusion but now that I look back it was probably sadness. I can bet you all my money that he thought I just left him and didn’t actually care about him which is far from the truth. After a few moments of silence with each of us staring into the other's eyes, he finally spoke up and said why did you leave me. I hadn’t realized what he meant and I simply replied that I didn’t leave him in a stupid playful way. I don’t think I will ever forget the look of hurt on his face when I said those simple words. Had I known the damage those few simple words would cause I would have taken them back and never ever said them in a heartbeat. He turned around and started to walk away. That's when I realized the damage I had just caused. I immediately stood up and started to chase him when I was close enough to him I took him by the wrist and asked him what was wrong. The words that came from his mouth still haunt me to this day. He said you abandoned me. He also said that he thought I liked him and then I just abandoned him. He went on saying how he thought we were friends by the end he had tears streaming down his face. I didn’t know what to say to him until he suddenly tried to escape my grip. I started to say that I was sorry and that I just thought it would be the last beautiful day of the year and would rather work outside. I also said how stupid I was for not saying anything to him and how I was such an idiot. I went on for I don’t know how long with this monologue about how I was sorry and how stupid I was but I only stopped when he wrapped his arms around mine. I would do anything in the entire universe just to feel his touch one more time. After our little moment, we actually started to talk. It was such a simple moment but it shifted everything in our relationship.
We would help each other with things we didn’t understand and we would actually speak to each other about things not school-related. But everything changed in January he stopped talking to me he still sat near me but was more distant than he had ever been. One night in January I was walking outside and found him on the edge of the lake. I went to sit next to him and realized that he had a half-drunk bottle of firewhisky in one of his hands. I asked him if he was ok and he just looked up at me with his glassy eyes. After a bit, he looked back down and started to say how he really liked me and I told him that I liked him too, not realizing what he meant. Then he said but I really like you and I know I’m gonna regret this tomorrow but I have to know. Then all of a sudden his lips met mine and it was a feeling I never wanted to let go of. They always tell you how your first kiss is horrible but mine couldn’t be farther from the truth. I was like fireworks and explosions of just pure and utter bliss all at once.
Then our lips parted and he looked back up at me, his eyes not glassy or foggy anymore they were as clear as I had ever seen them. Looking back I should’ve known why would the second child of the black family ever sit with me. With no magical parents and in Ravenclaw it just doesn’t add up. After staring into each other's eyes for a while he looked back down and started to say how sorry he was and I didn’t know what to do but kiss him again. After that night it was like heaven to be with him.
Every moment with him solidified my love for him and made me realize that in every timeline in every lifetime we were meant to find each other and love each other. I won’t lie to you there were some challenges but we always no matter what. We could always find each other at the tree I don’t know when but we started to call it the m and r spot we even carved our initials into it.
But once again everything changed. I was starting my seventh year and him his sixth year and from the first second, I saw him on the platform. I knew something was different. It wasn’t until we were hanging out in my dormitory fooling around did I see it. It was like my entire world was collapsing around me. I felt that I couldn’t breathe. The second he realized I saw it he started to explain how it wasn’t anything and how he didn’t believe in any of it. Without even taking a second to hear him out I said I was done with him and that we shouldn’t be seeing each other anymore. He started to ask why and I said with tears coming out of my eyes that this was all some sick game to him so he could kill me being a mudblood. After I said that he got his stuff and headed towards the door and right before he left he said that he still loved me even if I didn’t believe him. I really couldn’t tell you how long I cried for but it felt like the entire world was crumbling around me. I will swear to you that the universe was trying to get me to think of him cause everywhere I went something that reminded me of him popped up.
It was a rough few months but I got back to what the world would think was normal. Inside I still felt betrayed and hurt and just wanted to forgive him and have him hold me again. I ended my time at Hogwarts with not a single interaction with him which I will forever regret.
I had eventually moved out here and bought this home with some of my inheritance money and started to work at the local antique shop. I still used magic occasionally but when I got his letter I couldn’t ever use it again. I think it’s best if I just show you the letter because even thinking about it hurts.” Matthew stood up and went into another area of the house and grabbed a medium-sized box. He sat back down, opened it and rummaged through it, and then pulled out a letter. He handed it to Sirius and said, “here I think you should probably read it for yourself.”
Dear Matthew,
I would forgive you for still hating me and absolutely despising me but I feel the need to explain myself to you of all people. I first want to start off by saying I will never believe any of these things. I could never think you less than me or anyone for that matter. I do not want to hurt anyone let alone kill them. I only joined to make my mother happy. Oh, how I wish that you could take me away to France or whatever you said in your letter that I read every night. I have found out Voldermort’s secret and I intend to destroy it which in turn destroys him once and for all. I face death by doing this but I know that I must. I want you to know how much I love you. I wish I said it more but here we are. I love you with all my heart, body, and soul. I will never not love you even when I am gone from this life. Although I do not think that you will ever forgive me I do hope that one day if you can you will forgive me. I also want you to know that it's okay if you move on and I hope it is for you. I hope that you find someone who makes you happy. I hope you find peace, love, and happiness even if it's not with me. I want you also to know how much you changed everything about me and how you changed my life. Matthew, you were my sun in the great abyss of darkness that my life was before you. I will forever be in debt to you for that and I shall never ever know how to repay you the kindness and love that you have shown me. The love that you have shown me has been the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I never knew what it meant to love and to be loved in return until you Matthew. Maybe in another lifetime, we’ll get it right okay and we can live happily there like you always wanted.
With all my love forever and always,
RAB.
Sirius placed the letter back down on the table with his shaking hands and tried to wipe away his tears but every time he did they seemed to come out only faster. Sirius always thought that his brother willingly joined their side and believed all of this but now knowing he didn’t hit Sirius harder than anything before. “After I received the letter I don’t think I got out of my bed for gods knows how long. A few of the people and town had to help me get back to normal. I had told them that my sister died,” Matthew chuckled.
“I should’ve known that he didn’t believe in any of those things. When I left I should have taken him with me. I was absolutely awful to him,” Sirius said sobbing. “You can’t blame yourself for everything and what's in the past is in the past. I’ll tell you a secret I swore I would never tell anyone but Regulus never blamed you or even hated you he told himself I swear,” Matthew said looking down at Sirius. Sirius just stared back at him asking him really with his look and Matthew saying really with his look.
Matthew went back to the box on the table and pulled out a few of the photos and said, “These are some of my favorites of him. He was always so photogenic I tried to tell him but he always denied it.” Sirius looked through the photos and saw his brother smile a true and real smile nothing like Sirius had seen in a long time. He looked so happy and youthful and most of all he looked in love with Matthew. It made Sirius smile which he hadn’t done in a while he smiled just at the thought that Regulus was happy. “You can keep them if you,” Matthew said. “ No, I couldn't, they are your photos, not mine,” Sirius replied, handing the photos back. “I have the memories. I don't need some photos to remember him,” Matthew replied, giving Sirius the photos.
“I feel as if I have so much I need to say to you but I can’t find the words. So I’m gonna say thank you. Thank you for making my brother feel the way he did and most importantly thank you for this. I reckon I would have gone insane thinking of all the possibilities,” Sirius said. “It’s no problem at all and I always like to think of him and remember the times he had and who knows maybe one day I’ll see him again,” Matthew replied laughing. “Well I better be off then bye Matthew,” Sirius said getting up and before he could snap his way out of there he felt a tight embrace. He heard a whisper in his year saying “Thank you”. He was then let go and looked at Matthew one last time, a lanky man with brown curly hair and round wide thin glasses. He thought to himself that's the man my brother loved and snapped himself back home.
Sirius went knowing that he was going to die so as he heard the curse and felt himself going through the veil he wasn’t shocked or sad he actually felt relieved. He turned around and immediately saw Lily and James standing there waiting for him. He tightly embraced them and held on for dear life to them.
As he looked up from their shoulders he saw his brother for the first time in 18 years. He hadn’t changed a bit and still was that tiny afraid boy that Sirius always knew and loved. He let go of Lily and James and went up to his brother and embraced him. As he felt his brother embrace him back he whispered in his ear “He’s okay.” Sirius then felt hot tears soak into his clothes and just held his brother tighter and kept repeating “He’s okay he’s okay he’s okay.”