Child Of God
Remus Lupin's earliest memory is of the moon. But it isn't what you might think. In his earliest memory, the moon is hardly a sliver, a shard of glass in the sky, and he's four when his father takes his hand and asks him, with excitement, "ready?"
and Remus, all cheeks and untamed curls, smiles back, nodding.
His father holds his hand through the short path: around the water tower, through the field, up the hill. Lyall bends down to his son's hight and slowly pulls out a used and worn booklet from his pocket. Remus recognizes it as the Siddur that they normally kept on the mantle at home. It was his father's from when he was a child himself. Remus looks with glowing eyes at his father's quick fingers, fluttering easily through the thin pages and landing on one with a title made up of big blue letters:
'Kiddush Levana.'
"blessing of the moon." his father says, simply.
"You see the moon, Remus? how it's all small?" at Remus's nod, he continues. "That's a new moon. a new month. another loop in the cycle of the sky. isn't it beautiful?" Remus bites his cheek a little.
"but the moon, when it's... big.. then we stay home?"
His father stiffens a little. "yes, exactly. when the moon is full it's... raging. it can lure out true monsters that we must protect ourselves from. but this," he gestures again to the white split in the sky, "this represents rebirth, growth, life. this is worth a blessing."
and Remus nods, because what more is he to do?
His father says the prayer slowly, giving him time to catch up, the words gently falling out of his lips, the slightest bit of moon lightning up the sky.
-
Remus is eight and bitten when he sees his father cry for the first time. new anti-werewolf legislation was successfully passed, and Remus was now guaranteed no career. no future. and it was all thanks to his father, who was now sobbing, for some reason.
Remus walks up to his room to see a familiar worn out siddur, with a note simply saying "8pm, the hill." on his bed.
so he goes, around the water tower, through the field, up the hill.
He shows up to see his dad still crying in silence, with a look of despair. Remus dosen't know what to do, so he looks to the sky, opens his book and starts reading out the prayer.
after a few moments, his fathers voice joins him.
they walk home in silence.
-
the second tike remus sees his father cry he's eleven and it's nearing the dreaded september first.
He and his father have been doing this for years now. every new jewish month, a book with a note stating a time will show up on his bed, and he'll walk, and they'll pray, and for a moment, they can pretend that they don't feel as if the other ruined their life. for a moment, they are father and son.
-
when Remus overhears a freckled red haired girl mention her sister's bat mitzvah in passing, he knows he can make a friend. As he learns, Lily's household was far less religious than his, and she prayed a lot less, but she still insisted to join him for Kiddush Levana every month. in the beginning, it's to keep him company, but as the years go by and the secrets get revealed she goes in a sort of solidarity. she watches in awe as Remus stares down his curse and fights it with a blessing, and continues to do it every month. it's a ritual, now, really. they climb up to the astronomy tower and Remus pulls out that same worn handbook. sometimes they're alone and sometimes students from other houses and years join in. it's marvelous, really, the things that happen when a community finds each other.
on the last first moon in Hogwarts, it's only Remus and his book and the sliver of light in the sky. and he sobs. the way his father did. the way he imagines angels weep when they fall.
-
after Halloween, he stops.
he stops praying all together, actually, the grief and the pain far too much to bare. instead of a promise, the new moon is a threat. a mocking sort of humiliation and a twisted form of stability and comfort.
it is there. it will always be there. and Remus will always be a part of that, and that will always be a part of him.
-
when Sirius comes back, he tries again.
-
when he dies, he stops.
-
It's 1998. and it's nearing the beginning of May. And Remus is back at wales. a great battle is to happen very soon, everyone can tell. Everyone is scared.
Remus has just about one person to live for, the carbon copy of James that haunts his days and nights, and with Harry being set to inherent anything left behind by him, he chooses to go home and get the old house in order. it's all a bit morbid, Molly says. He agrees.
He walks through the front door slowly to reveal a house full of nostalgia and pain and ghosts. the kitchen where his mum made him dinners and where his father would snap. the Living room where he played for hours and where dumbledore sat and explained to his parents how he could still attend Hogwarts, leaving out the whole child-soldier part of his grand plan. The staircase where he and Sirius slid down the railing, raging in laughter during the week he spent in wales that summer after sixth year, and where he dragged down a ragged suitcase down the stairs, saying a stiff goodbye to his father before moving out for good, sharing a look that says 'I know that we are broken but I don't think we are worth fixing.'
He sees his childhood bedroom, a small layer of dust covering the whole thing. he stares at the window, the one slightly discolored from all the others. the one in his nightmares even now.
there's a pile of notes, on the desk in the corner, stacked up memories of months and months and months.
'8pm.' they read, '6:30 pm' '7:45' '9.'
and then, in small letters, 'the hill.'
Remus takes a look at the window, the young moon teases him from right outside it.
so he goes. around the water tower, through the field, up the hill.
he pulls out that same worn out book, stands in that same familiar spot, stares at that same, all too well known moon.
'Kiddush Levana' the bold letters read.
He starts speaking his prayer, and he swears he can see the brightest star in the sky burn the slightest but brighter, winking at him. he prays louder, and he sobs, and he lets the words travel through his body and make a home in his soul. his faith is strong and unwavering and painful. it's as bright as the moon.
-
on may 2nd, 1998, Remus falls to the ground.
He looks to the moon, still in its early stage, and lets a prayer slip from his lips.
And for a moment, everything is bright. everything is devine.
he can feel the moon pull him in, greeting him happily.
for a moment, he is holy.