26th July 1979
J,
We both know I’m not going to send this. Partially because I’m too scared to disrupt your perfect life and make you hate me even more. But partially because I want to keep these words to myself, I don’t want to pour out my heart to you and embarrass myself by sending it so I guess I’ll find somewhere to put this where no one can find it, where my emotions are safe.
I don’t know what led me to write this if I’m honest. Maybe it’s the fact this house is driving me insane. People often come in and out, discussing all kinds of violent business to do with the war and when they leave it’s not much better. It’s so lonely, I have nobody to talk to besides Kreature, who isn’t really the best person to have deep discussions with, don’t take this as me saying he has no skills, he’s a wonderful house elf but he’s not the most understanding of people (Yes, I do see him as a person, I find it extremely cruel not to, they have feelings that ought to be respected too). I suppose I can’t really complain about the meetings that have been taking place here, it should be an honour to have all the allies in my family home…but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes they’ll say things that just feel wrong, I know that I’m really rather far from perfect myself but sometimes I’ll listen to what they’re saying and I can just imagine the disgust on your face if you heard even a single word of it. Sometimes it makes me feel bad for just hearing it. Maybe that’s why I’m writing this letter, maybe it’s because everything reminds me of you, I feel pathetic saying that, it makes me look clingy and weak but it’s true. And, I suppose, the only reason I am actually saying this is because I know I won’t send it to you. You’ll never read it. And if by some miracle you do, if you end up finding this letter and however many I choose to write after, I know I’ll be dead by then anyway. I don’t know how but I am certain that I will be.
Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if I never took the mark. If I never listened to what they told me. Maybe if I were more like you, Sirius would actually like me. Maybe we could both have left the family together. But, then again, that was never going to happen, that isn’t who I am, you know that but I don’t think he understands as much as you, all he saw over the years was him trying to fight back and me sitting like a little minion to them at all times, perfect and submissive. That is, I’ll admit, partially my fault, I never did anything to stop him or any others from believing that it was the truth and, if I’m being perfectly honest, for a while, I believed it myself. That I was the perfect child, that after I got the mark I would be so flawless, the model child in both my parents’ minds and my own, that I had to pick one side, one powerful white man or another. I’m starting to think that maybe it would be better if I didn’t bother. If I didn’t pick a side at all, if I didn’t pick a controlling leader to send me out to fight the other for him. If I stayed to myself and didn’t associate myself with people from either side of the war trying to brainwash me into believing they are the ones fighting for the better cause. If I avoided my parents, my brother, my friends, you. It feels almost sickening, thinking of how different things could be if just one thing changed, how much loyalty or doubt or fighting or suffering could be avoided with just one small difference being made to my life.
But it also makes me think about how wrong everything would be if they never happened. Even if I had no clue I was missing out on anything at all it would still be wrong. It wouldn’t fit right. If I never chose this side to stick with and fight for in this war. Maybe that would have meant I could stay with you. But what if it were to have been the other way around? What if I never loved you, what if I remained hating your guts forever and the lack of seeing the struggles and priorities of both sides made me believe solely in the superiority of the Death Eaters. And that is when I try to stop thinking about all of it. It gets too overwhelming, it makes me feel weak, being so vulnerable to my own thoughts. If you were here you would tell me that it’s normal to feel so much painful emotion in the conditions we’re in, the war building up all around us constantly, with the background I was raised in. You would have sighed kindly like you always do and told me that my doubt was valid, that I was allowed to feel the emotions I do and that you’re always going to be there to listen to them. But then we ended up on opposite sides. So you aren’t here to help me. So you lied. So I suffer alone and the guilt gets worse and worse.
And I know it isn’t your fault, I know. If I found out you stood for the murder of innocent people and had the branding for it too I wouldn’t want to be around you either. But even just thinking just that makes it worse, it makes me realise what I’ve been associating myself with and standing for the whole time. It makes me feel sick that for a while I put so much faith and energy into it, thinking it would save me and make the world better, just to now realise that maybe it won’t.
It’s been a recent discovery you know, over the past two months I’ve begun to realise just how fucked up this war is. It’s pathetic, I can’t stand for Dumbledore like you and your friends but I can’t just let the Dark Lord win either. It’s actually made me remember something I read about once, it’s gotten me thinking about how I could possibly make a difference in this war without being a kissarse to a man who just wants everything his way in the world. I’ll probably look into it more, go back upstairs to the family library when I next feel lonely, find the books I looked at and try to piece together what I can. I know there’s something but I don’t have enough to figure it out yet. I will though, I’m smart enough. I’m just like you said two years ago, silent as a cat but brainy as an elephant. It sounded so extremely stupid at the time and even writing it out now it feels foolish but you I guess were right, I’ll figure this out, I promise.
I’m actually starting to feel like this is getting a bit much for just now so I’ll stop writing. It’s now occurring to me that I’m writing to nobody, it must seem pathetic, I can almost feel my emotions closing off from the rest of my mind as I write this so I suppose this is all I can really say for now.
Until the next time,
-R
____________________________
31st July 1979
J,
We both know I’m not going to send this. Just like I didn’t deliver the last one. I couldn’t let myself meddle in your life, I know you’d just see me as a nuisance. That’s why I got a box. I used to use it to hold random things I had no place for but decided this is a much better use for it. It’s a pretty box, oak with a gorgeous carved pattern that depicts an old tale I think I may have told you a few years back. Around the sides it shows the story of Leo, the constellation my star is from. I’m almost certain I have told the story before but I’ll say it again, just because I have no reason not to as it’s unlikely you’ll actually see this anyway and I have nothing better to say. The Nemean Lion, on of the trails Hera put in place to get rid of Heracles, he killed it and it was placed among the stars as a reminder of his labours. I’m at the heart of the lion, you can see on the top of the box that only one star is labeled, Cor Leonis, meaning the heart of the lion, also known as Regulus (Which now seems rather silly, considering my brother ended up being the lion in the family). If you look at the bottom of it you can see my initials carved into it too, it’s not an important detail but it's there nonetheless. If you’re reading this then you’ve already seen the box, the carefully carved art it holds. It’s beautiful isn’t it, fitting I think, such a delicate, divinely crafted box holding safe my emotions, all the words I wish to say to you but never can, not anymore. Ugh, I’m only one paragraph through and I’m already turning into a mushy mess of yearning and sickening infatuation. I suppose, in the end, it’s a good thing I’ll never send this to you, I’m already embarrassing myself, if you ever read this I think I’ll melt into a puddle on the floor due to the sheer humiliation. Although, as I’ve already said, the only time you could possibly have access to these thoughts is if I was already gone and you still cared about me, at least enough to find these and read them as some form of reminder of me. So, for both my sake and yours, I hope you never do end up reading these letters.
Now, to what I found important. I’ve been researching in the family library the past few days and found something rather interesting. I don’t know exactly what to do with the information I have uncovered but I do intend to find out as soon as I possibly can. Unfortunately, in the case somebody does uncover these letters somehow, I cannot tell you what it is or what I plan to do about it but I can assure you that if I ever choose to actually deliver a letter I write to you, which I doubt, I will tell you everything, it is a promise I was not able to keep before but now we are in the position we are in, I think I may be more likely to stick with it, any chance I have to restore even a little bit of your trust in me I will take.
See, what did I say, mushy and desperate to prove my worth, whatever little amount of it there may be.
I just took a minute to sort myself out, snap myself out of it and now I think I can continue like a normal person writing a letter and not a lovesick teenage girl. We’ll see how long that lasts.
This bit is important.
We had a meeting in the house yesterday, it was supposed to be at Malfoy Manor but Cissa had some issues in the house so they changed the location. They were planning an attack for a week from now, they plan to hunt down some of your lot and… as they put it, ‘eliminate them from the equation.’ it’s made me absolutely hate myself, you know. I wish I was brave enough to send the letter to you. I hate that I can’t suck it up and deliver this so I can warn you, to save you the pain of losing anyone you love, or, god forbid, you dying yourself. I feel so sick for not being able to warn you of what is coming your way, I can only pray and beg to myself that you’ll be okay, you and my brother. As much as Sirius is adamant I do not care for him in the slightest, him being lost would shatter me completely. As would your own death. Every day I sit in the window of the library with just a candle sitting before me and I hope that you will be spared. I hope that in this war and any to come, you will make it through and live your lives happy as you deserve, even if I am not there to see it. I hope that the both of you live your lives out fully, I hope you live way past any of this. I hope that you will live to an old age and die in peace. I hope that you will move on from this war, from me, that you will spend decades creating new memories, I will say this again, I am sure of it, but I’ll say it now just the same.
Well, so much for not going mushy, I’m shit at this.
I believe that is all I can say for now, I don’t suspect it will be long before my next letter, in around a week's time I will be either writing out my relief or my anguish. Either way, I am sorry. I am sorry and I hope wherever you are you will one day forgive me for what I have and may later do.
Je t'aime pour toujours.
Until the next time,
-R
____________________________
9th August 1979
J,
We both know I’m not going to send this. I'm going to get far too dramatic and emotional to confidently send it to you. I’ve been checking the papers these past three days to see if they had recovered the identities of those who fell victim to the attack. I’ve been hopelessly searching my way through the lists, scouring every article I can find on it, looking for something, anything that could tell me that you either made it out alive or died in amongst it. Nothing, I haven’t found a single mention of your name on the list of those dead or wounded but I also haven’t found anything that signifies that you were okay. I hope that means you were nowhere near it and didn’t try to heroically save them all when you found out, getting yourself killed in the process. You must admit, it is a very you thing to do. I am trying to take it as a good sign, you aren’t mentioned at all so I take it you weren’t anywhere near where the attack took place but I can’t help but worry that maybe you died and they just haven’t found you yet, maybe you were hurt but they didn’t think it worth mentioning. Maybe they found your body but thought your death was worse than the rest, that it was too horrific to share with the public. I know it’s stupid to think that but I’m just terrified that you’re gone and it was my fault. I try to convince myself that you’re okay but I can’t.
I saw the list of the dead, in some twisted way it brought me down to reality. None of the names were too familiar but I did recognise a few of them from school or past events. A Hufflepuff girl from the year above me, a boy whose father wrote some of our textbooks, famous for having a muggle mother. I saw the blood statuses next to each name, showing exactly what my side thinks of them. 2 halfbloods, 5 mud muggleborns all dead, 12 injured in the backwash. It felt weird, I didn’t really care much for any of them but it is odd to remember that this is the sort of thing they want. This is pretty much the only thing they’re fighting for. It feels strange.
They won’t catch the killers, I wasn’t there for when they discussed who was going but I know they will have put care into it, having people thrown into Azkaban would be too much of an inconvenience for them at the state we’re in in this war. It feels wrong to think of people being punished for multiple murders as an inconvenience. But I guess that’s all it is to them. I can almost imagine your response to seeing that. I know exactly what you’d say. You would be horrified that I’d even say that, that I could know exactly how they feel even if I don’t believe it myself. And I would tell you that I know why you hate me saying that, that I know it makes me look like one of them but that I promise I hate it too and that your hatred for beliefs like those is one of the things I love about you. And you would cross your arms and shake your head but you would smile, you would try to hide it but you would smile and I just wouldn’t be able to keep up my blank facade and I would smile right back at you. And you would say that you didn’t like it when I tried to flatter my way out of things like that but you would laugh, you would forget about it and that was the problem, it was so easy to make you forget about something, I didn’t even have to make a conscious effort and that scared me, it still does. God, that makes me look creepy. The way I can imagine exactly how you would react to every situation on the spot. Either I’ve spent too much time with you or I’ve been so much of a creep that I know enough to memorise exactly how you think and act, so much so that I can tell you more about how you think than even you can. Maybe it’s a mix of both.
I guess, the only reason I am writing today, sitting alone at the window, trying to get all this down before my mother comes in is because I desperately hope that you are alive and I’m so so scared that you aren't. And if that is the case, if you really are gone, I fear it is my fault. That my pathetic embarrassment and fear of disturbing you, my dreading that you’ll only hate me and laugh at me if I were to try to contact you stopped me from saving you from death. And if you are alive, if you are safe, mon chéri, I am sorry all the same. That I may have risked your life, that I am too stupid to think properly. I hope that wherever you are you are safe and happy without me.
Until the next time
-R
____________________________
13th August 1979
James,
We both know I’m not going to send this. Even if it is supposed to be an important day for me, it isn’t important to you anymore. It has nothing to do with you, it’s probably just another random day for you, that’s how it should be, don’t get yourself hung up over me. It won’t do you any good, I assure you. Well, I should probably quit rambling and just say what I’m talking about.
So, it’s my birthday! Not that anybody really remembered. I wasn’t surprised,I didn’t even remember it myself until just an hour ago. I went through the whole morning with not a clue until Kreature came up to me and wished me a happy birthday. It was then I realised that the only person who actually cares about me enough to remember my birthday wasn’t even myself, it was a house elf. He didn’t even need to like me at all but he was the only one who remembered. It’s not like I care much, birthdays don’t really mean too much in the middle of a war do they? But I guess it would have been nice to get at least one message saying happy birthday. I know it is stupid to think that, murderous cultists aren’t likely to bother with birthdays but it’s the fact my own family didn’t say ‘Oh, hello Regulus, you’re 18 today! Wow, you really are growing up fast aren't you!’ I never really got too much fuss on my birthday, none of us have, not my cousins, not Sirius, it’s just how the family is. Although that’s never the case, I suppose I just don’t like the fact I’ve never had no recognition on my birthday before.
I think the most effort somebody has put into my birthday was when I turned 16. Do you remember? End of the school year. I had told you that I would be staying with my family and that you didn’t need to worry about me, you told me you had something to give me. You said that you remembered my birthday was in August and thought it wouldn’t be safe for either of us if you showed up to the family home or sent it via owl on the day so you decided you would give it to me then because you trusted me not to open it before the 13th. You trusted me… It’s been a long time since then.
I still have the gift by the way, it’s at the back of my wardrobe at the moment so nobody can stumble across it and question me on what it was. I haven’t taken it out in a good while. For a while after what happened in your last year at school, after the…fight? Disagreement? Parting of ways? It feels like a long time ago already but I suppose it is actually extremely recent. That’s besides the point, after that, I used to stare at it so much it drove me insane. Thinking about how much thought you put into buying it, it felt wrong to have it so I hid it along with the note you sent it with. It feels pathetic that I still remember exactly what the note says. I haven't read it in a good while now but I still remember each word in your messy, inconsistent handwriting.
‘Reg,
Happy Birthday! You are officially old now, sorry to break it to you! I hope you waited until your birthday to open this, I expect you did, you aren’t like Sirius. I love you both but you’re much more patient than him so I trust you waited.
-James’
Wow, I look really obsessive saying that, it’s probably a good thing you won’t read this to be frank.
Part of me hopes that you forgot it was my birthday today, that way you don’t need to bother debating whether or not you should send me a letter. I hope you just enjoy your day like you would any other. Don’t bother thinking about me, don’t ruin your day by going through memories of me, it won’t end well, you’ll end up angry at me and that is the last thing I ever want. Really, if you are ever angry at me in any way similar to how you were that day at the end of the year (even though you said you were just worried for me) I don’t think I could cope with knowing. I hope you have completely forgotten about me by now, with any luck, you are better off than I am, stuck in an endless cycle of guilt and memories of those little things I adored but shall never experience again. I wish for you to leave me behind so you don’t have to feel the pain I do because you don’t deserve it. At all.
Until the next time,
-R
____________________________
13th August 1979
Regulus Reg,
Happy Birthday! 18! Just like I have said several times before, you are officially old. You were an adult last year so you’re practically fossilised now! (Don’t you dare point out the fact I am older than you) Fun fact: If you were a muggle you would be an adult today! I know you don’t really care but I am telling you anyway because I can.
I get this is probably a bit of a shock and possibly an inconvenience but yaknow, I couldn’t forget could I? I just wanted to say that I hope you have a great day and uhhhh, hang on I forgot what I was going to say…
Oh yeah! I know you are likely at least a bit surprised to receive this but I wanted to tell you something important because I know you will think otherwise if I don’t. I….do not hate you. Okay? I know you well enough to know that you probably think I hate you after…what happened. But I am here to assure you that I don’t! I know that we will never get past that and will most likely never see each other again but I can’t let myself calm down until I know I have told you that I don't hate you. Okay?
Oh, and I’m sorry I didn’t get you anything. I figured you wouldn’t expect it and if I did choose to it may…I don’t know, make things worse? I don’t know, I guess it just would have felt awkward, that’s all. Even this is making me doubt everything I’ve ever done, trying to forget about everything that happened is draining. And you know I don’t want to make you feel even more awkward because this letter will probably do a good job of that alone, knowing you. You’re such a worrier Reg, it’s actually quite sweet it’s quite difficult to avoid making you embarrassed or sad so I hope I have managed to steer clear of doing that now.
Uh, that’s all I really wanted to say. You probably almost definitely won’t reply to this but Remus, Lily and Marls all said it was a good idea (I didn’t mention it to your brother though, you know how he is haha) so I decided to do it before I thought about it too much and changed my mind. But yeah, don’t feel pressured to reply, it would be great if you could, so I could know that you are doing alright but you really don’t have to, I guess it would be a little difficult to figure out where to go from there so I understand. I won’t send any more letters if you don’t reply because I wouldn’t want you to feel pressured to mingle with the enemy, I promise. I know I should probably take the hint of you not sending a single letter since…um….that you haven’t sent a single letter for the whole of the holidays so far even though you told me in April you are free to send letters at home now (finally your mother stopped being as much of a strict old cow) as a sign you want nothing to do with me anymore but you know I can never take hints! Anyway, sorry if I ruined a perfectly good birthday for you Reg, I won’t bother you from now on if you choose to ignore me.
I love you, Hope you are doing okay,
-James x
Ps. I hope this arrives on time, I know owls can be unreliable at times and I don’t know how well getting the letter into your home will be but a man can hope!
____________________________
14th August 1979
James,
We both know I’m not going to send this. Even though you made it perfectly clear you would be okay with me responding I know I won’t. I’m too weak for that, too scared. I don’t even know what I’m scared of, I just am. I don’t know whether to be glad or upset that you remembered my birthday. I suppose I should say thank you. For remembering, for caring. And you’re right, I guess I really am getting old. Thank you by the way, for letting me know you don’t completely despise me, it really means a lot. I’m glad but it also makes me feel like a complete imbecile for spending months thinking you would always hate me. The thought to tell me is still appreciated though, you know me well enough to realise how dramatic I can be. You’ve managed to calm at one of my worries at least a little. It’s the best birthday gift I could have asked for, for you not to hate me and to hit my anxiety right in the nose. Ugh, that sounds cheesy, never saying that again. The point is, I’m glad you sent that letter. It really helped me and I think I’ll go on to read it a few more times before the box with all the letters I have written for you recently, just to keep them together.
I don’t mind that you haven’t bought me anything, you’re right, it probably would be awkward. And I don’t want you spending money on me. After what happened it would just feel wrong. I always felt bad accepting gifts before, now it would feel like a crime punishable by dementor.
I wish I was brave enough to send this to you. Wishing seems to be one of the only things I do now but it’s true. Maybe if I sent even this single letter, I would have a better chance of you sending more, of you rambling about whatever like you always do; I would have a chance of being able to know you still just by reading words on a page, use being able to stay in contact and figure everything out, well, that is my idealised version of it all. I know it would never go like that. It appears that we both have heavily idealised versions of how we could fix everything. That is why I won’t be sending this or any future letters, it won’t go to plan and it would not only hurt me but it would hurt you, I don’t think I could deal with doing that again.
I’m so glad you sent me a letter without me doing anything to make you feel obligated to, even if your friends were the ones to lead you to actually doing it. And I am sorry that I am ignoring you. I will take the chance that this could possibly hurt you a little now than destroy you later by responding and eventually fucking things up again.
Until the next time,
-R
____________________________
24th August 1979
James,
We both know I’m not going to send this. It has been over a week since your letter to me and now I fear it is too late to send a response. Please, if you are reading this somehow, please understand that it was to protect you from further harm. Being around me is dangerous, I should have said that years ago but it’s true. Replying to you and pretending nothing ever happened would just make everything worse. Hell, even trying to fix everything would end in pain.
That isn’t what I wanted to write about. I wanted to say that I think I have it figured out. I have done more research on my lead and I believe I have worked out what must be done. I do not know if I am ready to go ahead yet, I will need a plan and I will also have to convince Kreature that he must come with me. I know he won’t want to if I tell him what I'm planning on doing. I know that he will not get hurt but he isn’t bothered about that, the second he finds out that I may not be as lucky, that I may not make it out as I went in, he will surely back out. He won’t understand that I need to take someone with me and he is the only one I can trust to keep the secret and leave me if he must. He knows he must listen to whatever I tell him to do but I fear he will do something unexpected if I end up in fatal danger.
Once I have constructed a plan, I will need to find a way to tell him what we are doing without making him refuse to come with me. I need to do this and I need somebody with me but I can’t just lie to him. He trusts me James, he really does and I can’t have betraying and tricking him as the last thing I ever do, the thing he remembers me by. It’s so difficult and I wish I could send this, I wish I could tell you what I need to do and ask you to help me but I can’t. I can’t bring myself to send it and telling anybody what it is I have discovered and must do is just too dangerous. If you were here right now, I know what you would do. You would place your hands over mine to stop me from picking at the skin on them and you would tell me to look at you, you would tell me to listen. You would smile so kindly, in a way nobody else ever does around me. And then, then you would say the stupidest, noblest, most Gryffindor thing you could think of. And you would smile the whole way through it. You would reassure me that you would be okay and you would insist that you went with me and did whatever you could to make sure you suffered instead of me because you would know there was no way to stop me from going. I would say know but you wouldn’t listen to me, you never did. You would push and push, insisting that you were to go. And then I would snap and you would huff and we would be fighting, but neither of us would say that, we wouldn’t admit it in case we weren’t and saying that we were would make it come true. We would sit in silence for a solid 7 minutes and then you would try again. You would try to be as kind as you could, as not to show your worry or desperation. And I would know what you were doing so I would ignore it and tell you once more that you were not going with me. And that was final.
I don’t know what would happen from there, it would be one of two things. We would either stay as we were, quiet and stubborn, trying to pretend nothing had happened, both knowing it wouldn't work. Or, maybe one of us would leave. Maybe one of us would get us and walk away, leaving the other alone to sit with what just happened.
That is why I am glad you aren’t here, that is why I am glad you left when you found out for certain about where my loyalties lie, when you saw it and realised you could not change the truth. Because it kept you safe. I will find a way to do this and I will go through with it, knowing that it could save you, knowing that if I do, there is a higher chance that you will live, even if I do not.
Until the next time,
-R
____________________________
1st September 1979
James,
We both know I’m not going to send this. I never do. This letter will stay with the others, seemingly no more urgent than those before. But it is. It is important, it is possibly the most important leter I will ever write to you in my life.
I figured it out. I have a plan. I know what I have to do and I know exactly how I am going to do it. That is why I am not on the train. I should be, I should nearly be at school by now. But I’m not, because I have something I need to do. It is scaring the shit out of me but I need to do it. I have explained to Kreature what I can and he has agreed to help, however scared he is. I am going to do it soon, I know I cannot wait to do it, if I give it too long it may be too late.
This letter is shorter than the rest but there isn’t much to say. When the opportunity arises I will do what I must in order to complete my contribution to this ugly war.
Until the next time,
-R
____________________________
James tried to control his breathing as he placed the paper back inside the envelope, running his fingers softly along his name on the front before placing it down gently on top of the others and opening the wooden box next to them. He picked them up and slowly placed them inside, his attempt at steady breathing failing him as he unexpectedly sobbed. He was not crying, the sob came from his throat, an involuntary sound that gave away the emotion he was trying so hard to hide from himself. He stared at the letter for a few more minutes, debating picking them up and reading them over and over until the words blended together into inky blobs of nothing. To pretend that nothing had happened, that he was still here. After managing to take control of his breathing once more, James pulled an envelope from his pocket, his name was written on the front in the same handwriting as all the others, if not only a little more shaky, but knowing what was enclosed within it, he was not surprised. He took the paper it was holding, unfolding it as gently as he possibly could. It was crumpled, more so than all the rest, which had all been perfect and exact, showing a lot about who had written it. He knew why it was crumpled up, it was his fault. James would never choose to screw up the last thing he had of somebody he loved but he didn’t really have a choice. After reading what it said in a horrified silence, he had fallen to the ground and clenched his fists reflexively, the parchment shrinking in on itself easily in his hand. He remembered staying like that for a good while before Lily and Remus had managed to calm him down, Sirius had managed to pry the paper from where he had clasped it, away from reach. He remembered the look on Sirius’ face when he read it, from curiosity, to confusion, to shock to emotionlessness to fear. He remembered seeing the way he whispered ‘no’ and fell onto the sofa, dropping the paper on the ground and putting his head in his hands, he remembered grabbing the paper up like it would disappear if he lost contact with it for more than 30 seconds. He remembered shouting when Remus tried to take it from him, when Peter nervously asked what had happened, when Lily told him that whatever happened it would be okay. He remembered Remus going to Sirius and sitting beside him, putting a comforting hand on his back and asking him quietly what had happened. He remembered the way everything had gone pin drop silent when all Sirius had said in response after a tense moment of anticipation was ‘Why did he have to die. Why can’t I have my baby brother back.’
He remembered not talking for a day after. He remembered how stressed everyone was trying to deal with him and Sirius, Sirius wasn’t as broken as James was but he looked so guilty, he spent most of the following day in his dog form, curled up on Remus’ lap, refusing to move or turn back in case they saw how devastated he really was. Even as a dog they could see much guilt he had in his eyes. It was almost terrifying, they had never seen him like that before. Not once.
James remembered Lily trying to give him something to eat and him not responding, still too deep in his shock to manage a response.
He remembered reading the letter over again the day following and managing to stand, making his way through to where he others were, after hearing the news, everyone else had come round to see if they could help. James kept his gaze on the floor, making all of the people in the room feel cold, he was so quiet, he looked shy and scared, it was terrifying to them. He stopped when he had walked past them all, past Mary, Alive, Marlene, Remus, Frank, Peter, Dorcas, all of them. Lily tried to smile at him, he remembered how scared she looked, trying to look comforting but so worried she was showing how concerned she really was. He pointed to one section of the letter and then looked up at her. She put a hand on his cheek and then nodded.
That was how they ended up in 12 Grimmauld Place on the 8th of September 1979. He remembered it all and knew he would never forget it, not for decades to come.
He must have zoned out for a long while as when he felt his mind return to the present, there were tear stains on the letter and there was a hand on his shoulder. He turned his head and saw Lily behind him. She smiled encouragingly and nodded towards the box. He brushed his fingers over the words before folding it and placing it back in the envelope, closing his eyes and bringing it closer to his face, holding it there for a second. James then looked towards the box, picking it up and taking a deep breath, moving to put the letter inside but pausing at the last moment. He looked back at Lily and she smiled. Placing the letter inside and closing the clasp, he felt a tear running down his cheek and brushed it away with his free hand, barely being able to hold his hand up for long enough to do so. He flipped over the box and stared at the bottom of it, eyes blurring in and out of focus like he was taking his glasses off and putting them back on repeatedly.
After at least 3 minutes of silence Lily speaks. ‘We should…well we should probably go, Kreature has said that we can’t stay for much longer. Well, I say he said it, it was actually more of a grumble, I think this has hit him as hard as it has you and Sirius… so…um, tell me when you're ready to go, yeah?’
James nodded silently.
She spoke again, just as soft as before, her voice was warm and gentle, almost like a lullaby or a spell willing him to be calm. ‘Do you want me to…-’
He shook his head. ‘No. Stay. Please.’
She nodded and they fell into another suffocating silence, before James had the chance to zone out and end up crying again, Lily said one more thing, it sounded almost like a statement instead of a question when it left her lips. ‘You really loved him didn’t you?’
‘Yes. Yeh I did Lils, I loved him so much, so so much, it felt almost like….like an addictive poison. Like I knew it could never end how I wanted it to but I still made myself believe it would be fine. I knew it wasn’t going to be good in the end but at the time it felt so perfect, like it was all I needed. It felt so beautiful and then I threw it all away and now…any now this.’ He did not move at all whilst saying that, just stood perfectly still, holding the box delicately, as though it was Regulus’ life itself.
‘I think, well, do you still love him James? Because I think you do.’
‘Yeah, I do. I think I would be right to say that at least some part of me always will.’
Lily smiled sadly, she understood what he was saying and she had every intention of helping him remember Regulus for as long as she could.
James slowly traced over the initials carved into the back of the box, staring at them not harshly, but carefully, he seemed to be memorising how it felt to run his hands over the three letters. R then A then B, taking in each one as though forgetting how those carved letters felt would mean forgetting Regulus all together. He placed the box down onto the desk and stepped back slightly, leading Lily to frown. ‘Are you leaving them here?’
‘Yeah, I think- I think taking them won’t do as much good as harm. Having them near me will drive me mad, anyway, they belong here, in his room, hidden away like he wanted for however long they are let to. Do you…do you understand or do I sound stupid because saying it out loud right not makes me feel like anabsolute-’
‘Nono, I understand James..are you ready to go now?’ James nodded and they turned their backs, leaving the room but pausing just outside. He turned around and as softly as he could, pulled the door shut and stood before it for a few seconds longer, looking at the plating on the door.
‘Goodbye Reg.’ He whispered, stepping back and taking Lily’s help out hand, walking down the stairs. As they left the house, the words of the final letter ran through his mind.
____________________________
5th September 1979
My Dearest James,
Okay, this one I will send to you. I’ve tried writing this 3 times already and haven’t been able to finish it without hating everything I have written so hopefully this one turns out okay.
I’d like to start by saying that I am sorry. I am sorry for hurting you in the past and I am sorry you must read this now. I had hoped you would have forgotten about me by now so that this would not be necessary but I believe you have not so to not send it would be the worse evil.
James, I need you to understand that if you are reading this now, I am already gone. You cannot come and find a way to save me, it isn’t possible, it’s too late. I have told Kreature that in the event of my death he is to send out this letter to you and do no more. I cannot have you finish this job for me okay? I do not know if whatever follows the step I have failed in is fatal and cannot bear the thought of you becoming a martyr because of me. Please, leave it, it is my final wish.
I cannot tell you everything but I will try my best to explain what I am about to do. You know the Dark Lord sees me as a loyal ally, that I would never switch sides to support Dumbledore. Well, I have used the trust he has in me to go behind his back without being noticed and all without switching sides. I have discovered a secret and am not certain if Dumbldore knows of it but I decided to take it into my own hands with the knowledge I will not twist it to get the Dark Lord’s attention and possibly ruin what could work. He was clearly not expecting anyone to discover it so I think it will work if I go into it without anyone but Kreacher and I knowing. What I am about to do will weaken the Dark Lord to the point where he can hopefully be destroyed for good. But I am afraid there is an extremely high chance of me dying in the process.
For you, I have likely already been dead for close to a day. I am sorry, it’s true. There is nothing you can do about it now. I am so sorry.
Before I leave the house, I am taking down the wards but they are set to recover themselves exactly a week from now so if you wanted to visit and…look at the rest of the letters I have written you but was too scared to send, go ahead. I am no longer alive to stop you.
Please, tell my brother I am proud of him and how much he helped me get to this point, whether he knew of it or not.
And, one more message to you. I hope you live long past this day, I hope you will be happy for decades from here. I wish for you to live as fully and as long as possible. Take your life and go and live it, be happy. For me.
I wish you well, mon amour, and remember that even if it is no less than 100 years from now, I cling dearly to the hope that one day we shall meet again.
Je t'aime pour toujours.
One last time,
-R