Maybe Remus Lupin didn’t know Sirius Black as well as he thought he did. It was weird, Sirius had been out of prison for a month, and showed no interest in the things he lost, even if it was painfully obvious that he wanted to speak about it.
Because it truly was.
Remus had spent 12 years hating the wrong man, and sometimes he didn’t even know how he had gotten to that conclusion, he’d think back on it a lot, and the made excuse he for himself, ‘I thought of him as a spy’ or ‘Peter said, he saw him speaking to a death eater’ or the one that made him angry at his own thoughts for even thinking about it ‘He’s a Black, it’s in his nature to be evil’ he hated himself more and more the longer he thought on it.
Remus knew Sirius hadn’t been a Black since 5th year, or probably even before then.
But he had also seen the rage of Sirius Black, in 5th year, how he wouldn’t care if someone lived or died, how you could almost see his light silver eyes go dark to a dull ugly silver, they may have been kids back then, but Remus never really forgot that prank, and he had never really forgiven him for it, forgive and forget where on two different sides of a very long sea of mistakes.
Maybe he shouldn’t have gone on that mission, and he would have seen for himself, how everything changed, how things would never truly be the same again.
He could almost feel how James, was screaming at them for not talking, not that they weren’t talking, it just wasn’t how they used to.
Usually, Sirius wasn’t this quiet, he always had something to say, even if it was just gibberish, Lily would have been amazed by it, the man could never truly shut up, but that was Sirius, the man whose brain ran wild, the man who loved with his whole heart or nothing at all, the man–the man that would have rather died than betray his friends.
He understood it now.
The man that hid his face when he knew or when he realised he had done something wrong as though it was almost a reflex, Remus hated that, how Sirius hadn’t met his eye since the screaming match in Shrieking shack.
But it hurt. It hurt a lot.
And one night Remus was tired of it, he had been lying in bed unable to sleep, his thoughts would solely drift to Sirius, that sad and tired look he had, that had stuck the second he left Harry’s side.
Harry was all Sirius had left, Sirius was all Harry had left.
And he just couldn’t take it anymore, he didn’t like it. He missed Sirius. His Sirius. Remus sighed, he didn’t know how this was going to end, but he needed this silence to end.
As he left his room and as he stumbled in front of Sirius’, Remus almost wasn’t sure what to do, of course, he knew, but he didn’t know, James was always better with confrontation when it came to Sirius, he remembered many a time when Sirius had locked himself in the bathroom and James was the only one who was ever able to get him out of it.
And so he knocked.
It went silent for a moment, as though the world paused, nothing moved, the silence was almost defining.
“Come in” a small rumbled sound, coming from within.
‘Easiest part complete.’ he thought.
It was a sight to see. Sirius sat in front of the small fireplace, his small calloused hands dancing within it, Sirius’ hadn’t actually looked at Remus yet, but he knew of his presence, he knew from the second he heard Remus’ door open, then close.
Padfoot’s hearing came in handy even if he didn’t like to admit it.
“Sirius”
“Remus”
“Padfoot”
“Moony, is there something you needed?” Sirius mumbled, his hand still letting the fire touch him, he didn’t want the warmth to leave him yet “There’s not much I can help you with, y’know being a convicted serial killer and all”
“Dumbledore is working on getting you cleared of that you know,” Remus said, as he stood in the doorway, feeling as though there wasn’t a place he could feel more comfortable, it was horrible.
“And when has Dumbledore ever kept a promise,” Sirius said, he looked at Remus as though he hadn’t known him for most of his life, as though he truly was a stranger to him.
“He knew, he knew I was innocent, and he knew about Peter…So please explain to me why you expect me to trust that asshole”
“Sirius–”
“No Remus, Explain it to me”
“I didn’t come, here to argue”
“Then why are you here Remus?”
“I’m here to talk to my best friend”
“Ohh, ohh, so that’s what we are, never realised”
Remus knew he didn’t mean it, this was just how Sirius was, or how he thought Sirius was when he was angry or sad or just in between the both of them, he puts his walls up, walls you can almost see on him if you look hard enough.
Remus could see them as clear as day.
And of course, Remus knew they were…complicated, first friends to best friends to lovers, was a lot in a span of 8 years, and it killed him to even describe it as such because Remus himself didn’t know what they were at this point, were they even friends? Were they just acquaintances that knew everything about each other? Were they just strangers stuck in an unthinkable position?
“I’m sorry, I just can’t right now,” Sirius said, as he took his hand from the fire, looking at the burns that covered his hand now, it didn’t hurt, he missed the feeling.
“it’s just— Every time I see you, I see the year’s I’ve missed and I just don’t wanna deal with it”
Remus decided that it was this moment, he’d move, he needed to be able to look him in the eye, “But you know, you know you’re going to have to, don’t you Sirius”
“Yeah, I know”
“You didn’t miss much you know”
“That can’t be possible, Harry’s nearly a full-grown adult”
“…True, but you're here now, that’s all that matters to him,” Remus said, as he sat next to him.
“I just want him to be happy” Sirius whispered, as he put his head between his knees, “The boy deserves that much.”
“And so much more,” Remus agreed.
They sat in comfortable silence, hearing the wind rustle the trees, hearing the owls move in annoyance to their new destinations, the moving of the fire in its graceful dance.
…It wasn’t a bad silence, but it was sinking in, it was sinking in and Sirius didn’t like it, he never did like change, the transition between Hogwarts to an Apartment wasn’t the struggle, it was trying to understand, what to actually do with himself is what was hard, because usually, Sirius had classes to go too, Minnie to annoy, Pranks to make, and back then all he had was a war he wasn’t even sure he wanted to fight, a war he would have much rather ran away from, but he knew he couldn’t.
And then it changed all over again, it’s funny because when Sirius had gotten out of prison he half-expected everything to be the same, he didn’t know why, he almost expected to see James when he had gone to the Shrieking Shack, but instead he saw an angry 13-year-old Harry Potter that wanted to kill him, and it hurt because he remembered so vividly holding a small baby Harry Potter, he remembered being so scared out of his mind that he’d accidentally kill him if he held him to tight.
And then Sirius broke the silence, “I always thought there could be no worse prison than Grimmauld Place itself, and then I went to Azkaban, turns out I was wrong…Maybe I always made for Prison”
The look of fear in Sirius’ face when the end of the year came, was painted on his brain, living on in Remus’ head, as though it wasn’t almost 3 decades ago. “And then I thought I found my peace, my salvation when I ran away to the Potters”
“But then I ended up, leaving my brother, MY BABY BROTHER TO DEAL WITH THOSE MANICA’S” Sirius screamed, Remus, stayed quiet looking at him as he screamed, he wasn’t even sure what to say, because if he even tried to comfort him, he knew Sirius would never let it out again.
“And he turned, he changed, you remember, that one mission we had, and he stood right across from me and I couldn’t, I just froze and let him get the better of me”–he pulled on his hair as the memory came flooding back– “Because why in hell was a boy, TWO BLOODY YEARS YOUNGER THEN ME FIGHTING A DECADE’S OLD WAR”
He remembered the mission like it was yesterday. The order had sent them on a mission, it was simple, get into a building, and get information about who the Death Eaters were planning to hunt down next, and they needed “Stealthy” and “Unnoticeable” so it was easy for Sirius, and nobody (besides James and Peter) understood why he could, always get away with it.
Sirius had just started changing back, and they were ready to leave, they had somehow gotten ambushed, there were 5 death eaters, one of them being Regulus Black, and the other Bellatrix Lestrange, and the sight itself nearly killed Sirius.
It was the first and last time he saw Sirius let his guard down, Sirius had allowed himself to be hexed multiple times, cursed multiple times, but it didn’t matter to him, he just wanted his brother, and Remus knew he regretted everything in that one small moment.
“And then he was dead”
“And I just stopped.”
“Because I didn’t understand it, or it just didn’t sound right”
“Because how, how was he dead before me”
“I always, I always told him to let me die first, it was safer.”
“He never did listen to me”
“Bloody Idiot”
And Sirius stayed quiet again, not able to let out another word. But it spoke everything in Remus’ head, he didn’t know why siblings are always the hardest part of family’s when it comes to purebloods because they hold a powerful line, and if you mess that up, you are classed as a blood traitor. He knew Sirius hated the word, he remembered Sirius getting a howler one breakfast morning, it was the first time his father had ever sent one, and he flat out called him it, told him he was not to come home for Christmas…
“Sirius”
“Hmm”
“You didn’t deserve to lose him, you should never have lost him in the first place” Remus whispered, as he felt Sirius slump into his lap, it was always his favourite position.
“I’m starting to think death follows me everywhere”
“What do you mean?”
“The Potters”
“That wasn’t your fault.”
“But wasn’t it”
“It wasn’t, you remember, they had gotten sick, and nobody knew how,” Remus said, “James lost both of his parents, I have never seen him so angry” nobody was able to comfort him, the way he needed, he remembered staying up with him, as he screamed about it for hours, which ended with him in tears, angry viscous tears.
“But it does seem to follow me”
“No, it doesn’t Siri–”
“Marlene Mckinnon” Sirius whispered, as he felt Remus stroked his hair like he had done so many times, Sirius wasn’t sure if it was helpful, or just scary how comforting it felt, he almost missed being 16 again, when they weren’t worried about war because they weren’t apart of it yet.
“She…my best friends, she was everything to me” he mumbled, as he closed his eyes, remembering the soft short blonde hair, and light brown eyes, and her fair skin, she was truly a beautiful woman “The first person I told when, when I finally figured myself out…”
“She knew, obviously. Always did, she knew about you before, I even thought about it or realised it”
“I remember she told me” Remus smiled, “And she was the first one that threatened but also refused to show that she cared” Remus knew she was probably twisting in heaven at the thought of her caring for Sirius, even though we all know she did.
“Stubborn, to the very end she was”
“Sometimes, it doesn’t feel real, that she’s gone, that any of them are gone.”
“I remember, how much it broke her heart when Dorcas died” Sirius, wasn’t even sure how she had died at the time, wasn’t sure if he wanted to know Dorcas was one of the strongest out of all of us, so if she went down, it had to be bad because she alone was the brains, the wisdom of the original order of the phoenix.
And Voldemort took that.
Dorcas and Marlene were like fire and water, but they created something beautiful with it, they may have gotten terrible looks, and terrible things shouted at them but they stayed with each other, even if one was always a little bit behind “Never seen her cry, so much”
“At least they’re together now,” Sirius paused, “Like Lily…and James”
Remus knew this would come eventually, that they would soon come into the conversation, he just wasn’t sure for himself, if he was ready for it. James and Lily meant everything to Sirius and Remus, even though they had gotten together before them when they did finally get together, they were, they were a force to be reckoned with.
“I should have stayed with Harry” Sirius mumbled, as he stroked his burned hand, still looking for the stinging sensation. “I could have raised him, if I had stayed, he wouldn’t have grown up with those horrid people”
“But I couldn’t, the more I looked at James, it shook me, it almost killed me right there”
“You never told me you found them?” Remus questioned.
“I never got to, I never even got to see you before I was caught, I was found by Aurors, that…That night, and was in Azkaban by the next morning”
It was why it was so easy to believe, he remembered the call he had gotten from Mary, how frantic she sounded, how destroyed he felt. Remus had been hating the wrong man for 12 years and as a result, ended up being alone for 12 years, but what was he post to think, 3 of his friends were dead, and one was found to be the cause of it all.
“And Lily…there…there were tears in her eyes, tears that would never roll down her face, just stuck to her blue eyes, I hated it. I hated everything” Sirius slowly got quieter as he spoke, unable to get it out any louder.
“I hated everything, because I was the one who allowed Peter to have all the information, allowed, him to kill my best friends, and leave my godson without parents”
James and Sirius were two sides of the same coin. They were different types of friends, probably the strongest he had ever seen in his life when one was angry the other calmed them down when one was sad and the other was happy, one tried to cheer up the other.
They never were able to not talk to each other, there was always something to say, it was always Potter and Black, Black and Potter, you never saw one without the other, so it was almost fitting, in a disturbing way, that Sirius was the one that found him.
Lily and Sirius were, summer and winter total opposites, but they understood each other, they bonded over certain things, they had their moments of anger with each other as any relationship does, but they defended one another as though it were their birthright, it was a sight to see.
James, Lily, Sirius, Remus and Peter. That’s all they were, a group of teenagers that weren’t ready enough for what the world had given them, it was their curse, a group of total broken kids coming together to find a family within it, their brokenness, but they were not strong enough to break that curse.
“And allowed me to lose the best thing I ever had,” Sirius said, looking at Remus, hoping he’d understand, always did “You didn’t lose it”
“But I could”
“And I can’t lose you”
“Sirius, you won’t” Remus promised, “I’ve been alone for 12 years, and I don’t wanna be alone anymore”
“What do you mean you’ve been alone for 12 years?”
“Well, not completely, Mary came down to see me when she could, she’s living a peaceful muggle life, somewhere in the Caribbean like she always wanted, she’d rather not get into wizard drama” Remus rambled on, “I haven’t seen her in a while, I should probably tell her that you aren’t the traitor, she always did suspect that it couldn’t be you”
“Remus?” Sirius questioned. “Did you really think it was me?”
“Did you really think it was me, Sirius?”
“Only because you were disappearing so much”
“…Was it the werewolf thing?”
“…Was it the Black thing?” Sirius questioned.
“No, it wasn’t” They both repeated, as though their questions were something of nonsense, maybe it would have worked at the time, but now, of course not now. “I’m starting to think Dumbledore had it out for us”
“What do you mean?”
“He sent you on werewolf missions all the time, we barely had any time for each other, allowed people to see me as suspicious, because of my name, even Minnie thought it was me,” he said.
Sirius remembered when he had first broken out and made his way to Hogwarts, hunting for that bloody traitor, it obviously easier as Padfoot, and he had stumbled across her, he had seen her, rambling on, and on about him, he thought of as almost funny, that she cared to speak about her older students, but then, she said something “Yes. Sirius Black may not have put his hands to the Potter’s, but he’s the reason they're dead!” and it broke his heart, McGonagall was something of a mother figure to Sirius, he would never admit it as such, but she helped him a lot, and Sirius would have thought, at least one person in the school he loved so much would not have believed he have would hurt them, would have been her.
“My mother is probably screaming in her grave” Sirius smiled, “She would have hated that I, Sirius Orion Black the third, the blood traitor, is now the last remaining heir to ‘The Noble And Ancient House of Black’,”–Sirius said in a fake posh voice, that made Remus snort– “who gets the money and the fortune and the god awful house”
“I hate the thought of it myself”
“I can remember it as clear as day, how I decorated my room in burgundy and gold, how I put my David Bowie posters all over my room, the mirror James enchanted, my Gryffindor robes laid all over the floors, it was grand.”
“It was posted to make me feel better, to not feel as though I was alone, but I did, I felt so alone, even if I know I was on the better side, I still felt like a disappointment, still drowned in it every time I walked into my room”
“Sirius, you weren’t a disappointment, it wasn’t your fault your parents were Death Eaters, and it wasn’t your fault you still wanted love from them” Remus spoke, he understood it better than anyone Lyall, was like that in a way, he only ever cared about trying to figure out a way to turn, him back to a ‘normal boy’ instead of taking care of him, looking after him as his son, not a science experiment.
“It’s weird that I almost missed her when I had heard she died, I knew she never loved me from the moment that hat spat Gryffindor, but there had to be a time before that when she cared, because how…how could a mother not love her son, but maybe she never did, it’s as though there was something missing when I think of her”
“But I know that I had it once. And I know that I wanted it back so badly, I almost asked Dumbledore to change my house one of the first few nights in Gryffindor. But then James, was James and I stayed, I never thought about it again”
“And I thank him for that, But maybe things would have been, much–much different” Sirius sighed.
“Yeah, it would have been very different, but I don’t think I would have it any other way,” Remus said, stroking Sirius face, whipping the wetness on his cheeks away.
“Love and hate brought us here, but we’re safe now” Sirius sighed, as he felt Remus kiss his forehead, as he had done many a time when he could see him drift off.
“Goodnight Sirius”
“Goodnight Remus”