Chapter 14
Hanschen dashed off towards the changing room, bumping into Max on the way in. “Oh, fuck, sorry.” He mumbled, slipping past him.
“Hansi, wait!” Hanschen felt a sharp tug on his sleeve and jerked away, stopping to look at the other boy. “I— I just wanted to apologise. About yesterday, I mean. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have made you do anything like that. It’s just…” Max paused, trying to think of how to word it well, “I really miss you. I know it’s been a fuckin’ million years since we ended things, but we haven’t even hung out, as like, friends. I miss having you around. Can we go back? Not— not as anything romantic, just friends would be good. If that's okay with you.”
Holy shit dude I just wanted to change.
“I— God, Max, this is a terrible time.” He admitted, running his fingers through his messy hair. “Uh, can we discuss this later? I need to be somewhere soon.”
Max’s face fell and he nodded, trying to hide his disappointment. “Yeah, of course. Sorry to jump this onto you.”
“No, no, it’s alright. You were never good with timing.”
“I know.” Max smiled in a way that was definitely not to express happiness or any positive emotion. It seemed more pained. He didn’t like seeing that from the boy who was usually so joyful.
“See you later.” Hanschen muttered, quickly exiting this conversation and entering the changing rooms. He changed, freshened up a bit, packed his bag, and left the perimeter. Max was nowhere to be seen, luckily. The last person he wanted to see was Max. Now it was him and Ernst. Just how it should be.
He jogged back towards the bleachers where he left Ernst, his shoes kicking up the dirt as he approached the boy, instantly forgetting about Max once he saw how Ernst’s face lit up upon seeing him.
“Sorry I took a while, some guy wanted to talk to me.” He apologised as they began walking together. Readjusting his bag on his shoulder, he glanced at Ernst as he responded.
“It’s okay. You just left me out in the cold for 15 minutes, but I’m fine, thanks for asking.”
“Oh, Ernst, be quiet.” Hanschen laughed, beginning to take his own coat out of his bag and handing it to Ernst. “Here. To make up for it.”
He watched the boy inspect the gray coat, not taking it. “I was only joking, Hanschen, I’m okay.”
“No, I insist.” Hanschen lightly pushed the coat onto Ernst’s chest, their fingers brushing when Ernst accepted the coat.
Fuck.
He missed the little touch that they shared already.
Hanschen’s coat was, admittedly, a tiny bit small on Ernst. He still fit well into it well, just not as it was intended to fit, and the blonde boy found it both incredibly endearing and hilarious.
“I think it’s a little small.”
“And what could possibly make you think that?” Ernst retorted, rolling his eyes while trying to make the sleeves fit better on his arms. The cuffs ended just above his wrist, so it truly wasn’t too small.
“Lucky guess?” Hanschen bumped his shoulder against the other boy’s as they neared the coffee shop, smiling up at him.
Ernst scoffed as they entered the cafe, the bell above the door tinkling as they entered together.
“No coffee, I assume?” Hanschen asked Ernst, remembering their phone call a while ago.
“Mind reader.” Ernst smiled before ordering a hot chocolate for himself. Hanschen stared up at the menu for a moment before also settling on a hot chocolate.
“That’ll be €8.34, please.” The cashier said to Hanschen after ringing up their drinks. Hanschen began taking out the amount of money needed to pay when Ernst stopped him.
“How much is one hot chocolate?”
“€4.17.”
“Hanschen, you don’t need to pay for mine.” Ernst said, ignoring the long sigh from the cashier.
“It would be my pleasure.” The blonde boy smiled, handing the cashier the money before Ernst could protest any more. “Now let's go sit.”
They chose a booth in the corner of the cafe, far from any prying eyes. Not that they were going to do anything. Hanschen just didn’t want to risk anyone seeing him on a date. Well, not a date, but he liked to think it was. Sitting across from a cute boy for whom you just bought a hot chocolate was quite romantic, if he did say so himself.
“What do you, uh,” Ernst cleared his throat, eyes flicking towards the table and back at Hanschen, “what do you plan on majoring in? When you get to college, I mean. Or university. Either one.”
That was an easy one. He had known since he was a freshman in highschool— the most logical thing that everyone expected of him and what his parents wanted.
“Probably law. No— definitely law.”
A look of confusion and skepticism flashed onto Ernst's face for only a second, the corner of his mouth and eyebrow twitching before he quickly switched back to his neutral expression. “Law, huh? And why’s that?”
“It would just be easier to please everyone. My father says that he expects me to be a doctor or lawyer or some shit like that and I choose to be a lawyer.” A pause as he took a sip of his drink, taking longer than necessary to lick his lips clean. “And it would give me a stable life, which I would like.”
Hanschen could see that Ernst wasn’t convinced. This surprised him. Whenever he told anyone that he wanted to study law they would just pat him on the back and say that they expected it. Ernst, on the other hand, had quite the opposite reaction.
“What about what you want?”
Those few words hit Hanschen like a truck. Of course he had thought about it before, but not too in depth. He already knew what his future was. Become a lawyer, get a big house, get a wife (to not cause conflict, of course), have children, etc.
But what did he want?
…
What did he want?
“Well— I, uh, I don’t know.”
“There’s nothing? Not even a football player?”
Hanschen laughed a bit at that, shocked that Ernst would even mention it. “Of course not! Football wouldn’t get me anywhere. My father also wouldn—“
“Stop thinking about what your father wants.” Ernst interrupted, placing his hand on Hanschen’s to make him stop talking.
Hanschen could feel the skin under Ernst’s hand burning, along with his face.
With Hanschen’s silence brought Ernst’s panic, assuming that he thought he was weird for the physical touch. He began removing his hand. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to—“
“No! No, it’s okay.” Hanschen grabbed his hand again and placed it back.
Way to seem nonchalant. You’re fuckin’ screwing it up, Hanschen. You can’t seem desperate for this guy.
He ignored that thought. Whatever was happening now was much nicer.
“So anyways, what do you plan on majoring in?” Hanschen asked, trying his best to change the subject and keep it casual. Ernst had started subconsciously rubbing his fingers over his knuckles, and fuck he couldn’t do this to him. Not in a public place. He felt the heat return, spreading all over his body.
“Art. If I even get accepted into a college, that is.”
“Of course you will! You’re an incredible artist.” Hanschen beamed, surprised that the boy would even suggest such a thing.
“My grades though…” Ernst mumbled, removing his hand from Hanschen’s to take a sip of his drink.
Hanschen ignored the feeling of emptiness that washed over him once Ernst’s touch left. “Do they really matter in art school?”
“Grades matter in every school, Hanschen.”
“I can help you then. Like tutor you and things.” He offered, running his fingers through his hair. “Only if you’d like.”
Ernst hesitated, taking another long sip of his drink to stall answering the question. “I mean, sure. It’ll be hard for you, just keep that in mind.”
Oh I bet it will.
“That’s alright,” Hanschen started, readjusting his glasses to sit higher on his nose bridge, “I’m a great tutor.”
Ernst rolled his eyes and scoffed. “We’ll see about that.”
As they made small talk, the little bell above the cafe door tinkled again. The boys didn’t notice it as they were so sucked up in each other, gazing into the other’s eyes in a not-so-platonic way.
“Hanschen?”
Hanschen turned around to see who had said his name, his eyes landing on Melchior and Moritz.
Fuckin’ hell. Why are they here?
“Oh. Hi.” He mumbled, trying to keep the annoyance out of his voice.
“Who— is this your boyfriend?” Melchior asked with a bewildered Moritz next to him.
Ernst choked on his hot chocolate, quickly grabbing a napkin to try and cover up any hot chocolate that might have dribbled down his chin.
“Holy shit, are you okay?” Hanschen asked, panicked, his eyes wide.
Ernst just nodded and wiped his mouth, signalling with his hands for them to continue talking.
“He is not my boyfriend, Gabor, and even if he were, why would it matter?”
“Why’s he wearing your coat then?” The brown-haired boy asked, head tilted.
“He— he was cold. And he didn’t have one.” Hanschen said, face burning. “Is this your boyfriend?” He asked, gesturing to the anxiety-ridden boy to his left. Moritz’s eyes widened and he turned bright red (which wasn’t anything new, considering the fact that he could and would blush at nearly everything).
“Maybe he is.”
“Melchi!” Moritz exclaimed, shocked.
“Waaait a minute, are you Ernst? I’ve heard so much about you!” Melchior began, sitting down next to Hanschen and smiling. He held a hand out for Ernst to shake. “I’m Melch—“
“Stop talking. Please leave.” Hanschen said, slapping a hand over Melchior’s mouth. He never even talked about Ernst that much. Melchior was just trying to embarrass him.
Ernst giggled at the situation and shook Melchior’s hand. “Nice to meet you.” Melchior shook back and then grabbed onto the hand that was covering his mouth with both of his hand, yanking it off.
“Don’t cover my mouth, Rilow.”
“Then don’t say untrue shit, Gabor.”
“I wasn’t saying untrue shit.”
“Yes you were.”
“No I wasn’t.”
“Yes you were.”
“No I wasn’t.”
“Yes you w—“
“Guys! Stop.” Moritz interjected before they could continue. “It isn’t that big of a deal.”
“Whatever.” Hanschen let out a very loud exhale and folded his arms across his chest. “Now, Gabor, if you would kindly leave?”
“What— so you guys can makeout?” He scoffed before turning to Ernst. “He’s only good at it because of me.” He whispered loud enough to where they could both hear. Hanschen really hoped Ernst didn’t understand what Melchior was implying. He hated when people brought up the fact that they were a thing at one point.
“Shut the fuck up.” The blonde scowled, nudging Melchior off of the booth. “Why won’t you just leave?”
“You’re right. I should leave you two lovebirds.” Melchior stood up, nodding to Ernst. “Good luck, man! You’ll need it.”
Ernst sank lower down into his booth and meekly waved goodbye to Moritz and Melchior as they walked off towards the counter to actually buy something, and Hanschen rolled his eyes. “I fuckin’ hate him.”
“He’s very straightforward. Why do you hate him?”
“I have my reasons. Mainly because he’s a pretentious dick.”
Ernst was startled at this information, wiping the smile off of his face and taking a drink of his hot chocolate to give him a reason to not respond. ‘Oh’ was simply all he said. The silence that lingered in the air made Hanschen uncomfortable and he coughed awkwardly to try and fill it. “So anyways, what days are you free?”
“Pardon?”
Shit. He didn’t think I meant it in THAT way, did he? Although I’m sure that’s what’ll inevitably happen, I didn’t mean to suggest it. I really need to think before I speak, goddamn.
“I mean to tutor you.” Hanschen clarified, glancing over his shoulder to make sure Melchior and Moritz had left. After successfully examining the cafe all of two times without seeing the boys, he was satisfied and turned back to Ernst. He had his eyebrows furrowed and was staring at the napkin holder, thinking. Hanschen thought he was so beautiful; he had a singular piece of hair resting on his forehead and deep brown eyes— not to mention the way he was subconsciously biting his lip as he thought. How the hell that was attractive to him, he would never understand. Usually he didn’t care for all of that stuff but those were some of the things that stood out most to him— they were utterly beautiful and captivating.
“Umm, I’m free every Monday and Thursday. And the weekends usually.” He responded after a few more seconds of thinking (and Hanschen admiring him), brushing the hair off of his forehead. Hanschen realised what state he himself was in and quickly snapped out of it.
“Alright. Sounds good. Give me your address and I’ll be there every Thursday at 4:30.”
“What— I didn’t agree to it!”
“Yet you still answered my question? Really, Ernst, you aren’t doing very well at trying to seem like you’re against this idea.”
Ernst huffed in exasperation, waving his hands a bit trying to find a reason. “Well, I mean, uh, I didn’t want to be rude. Just because I didn’t flatout say it, d— doesn’t m…”
Hanschen couldn’t help the small laugh that accidentally escaped his lips. Ernst’s voice trailed off in confusion and embarrassment at the same time, stopping the boy from voicing whatever useless argument he had to defend himself with.
“Are— are you laughing, Hanschen? What’s so funny?”
Honestly, he didn’t know why he was laughing. Perhaps it was because it was painfully obvious how desperate Ernst was to not seem desperate, but Hanschen could see right through him. Truthfully he could only see right through him because he, in fact, was attempting to do the same.
“You’re so nervous. I’m not going to bite you or anything.” He grinned at him, finding this exchange incredibly funny and yet still endearing. “There really is no need for you to be so tense.”
“I’m not nervous.” Ernst lied. Hanschen could very well tell that the smile on the boy’s face was, in fact, the product of his nervousness.
“Let’s take a walk.” Hanschen said, quickly finishing the rest of his drink and then standing up after wiping invisible dust off of his hands and onto his jeans. “Shall we?” He asked, holding his hand out for Ernst to take. Pink lightly dusted the other boy’s cheeks and he accepted his hand, nodding.
“To where?” The brunette asked as they walked out of the shop. So far their hands were still connected, and Hanschen couldn’t deny that his heart was doing some sort of weird thing he had rarely felt in his entire 16 years of living. It felt like a heart attack but in the best way possible. Whatever that meant.
“I was thinking the park nearby?” He said, glancing at the taller boy, smiling when he noticed his hesitant expression. “It’s only a short walk, don’t worry.” Ernst nodded and lightly swung their joined hands as they walked together down the street, the first streetlights turning on as the sun slowly set.
“The sun is already going down? But it only feels like 5!” Ernst exclaimed as they entered the park, dropping Hanschen’s hand.
“Yeah. We should sit. Then we can enjoy the sunset.” He said, leading them to a nearby bench. This park was Hanschen’s favourite park because it usually didn’t have many people in it. There was a large grassy area surrounded by lush Norway maples and towering English oaks with a single cedar in the centre of the park, making for a very serene scene. They sat down on a bench in between a few trees and Hanschen couldn’t help but notice how close Ernst’s thigh was to his own. “It’s so peaceful here.” Hanschen began, trying to focus on something else.
“I know. I love to come down here and just… think.” Ernst said, gazing off into the sky as the sun set in front of them.
“Yes? About what?”
“Mostly the future. And sometimes I think about how things could be different if I just…” his voice trailed off and he frowned, looking down at his lap, “uh, mostly the future.”
“And what about it?” He asked, intrigued. He decided to ignore the fact that Ernst clearly wanted to say something. The boy probably stopped saying it for a reason.
“My parents would like me to be something like a pastor with a wife and kids and a good amount of money— and I suppose I do too, but there’s a flaw in that plan that would end up keeping me feeling unfulfilled. And my hypothetical wife too, I suppose. I’d much rather be an artist. Which is what will happen unless all else fails.”
Wife? What wife?
Hanschen tilted his head as if to ask what the flaw was, raising his eyebrow slightly.
“I’m gay.” Ernst said hesitantly, his gaze transfixed on a bug crawling across his folded hands that rested on his legs.
“Ahh, I thought as much.” Hanschen replied, turning to face Ernst.
“You— wait, really? Is it obvious?” He asked, his eyes wide and his knee bouncing nervously.
“It isn’t too obvious to the untrained eye, but I, on the other hand, have an excellent gaydar.” Hanschen reassured him, smiling smugly.
“You’re also gay?”
“Bi— but yes.”
Ernst’s gaze remained on the bug that had steadily made its way across his hand and onto his leg, but he seemed to relax more. He stopped bouncing his leg and eased the tension in his shoulders. “That makes sense.”
Hanschen feigned offence with his mouth agape for extra dramatic effect. “Are you saying I look queer?”
“Would you rather look like a straight guy?”
“God, no.”
Ernst let out a snicker at that and glanced at Hanschen, his dimples once again making an appearance.
Kiss him. Just quickly do it. Just kiss him.
Hanschen’s face slowly inched closer to Ernst’s and a look of realisation dawned on the other boy. “I think I better get going.” Ernst said, standing up, the bug that was on him falling off with his swift motion.
“Oh! Yeah, okay.” Hanschen replied, hoping that his face wasn’t as red with embarrassment as it felt like it was. “Sorr—“
“See you, Hanschen!” Ernst gave him a small wave and half-walked half-jogged into the trees and back to the bustling streets outside of the park. Hanschen watched his figure slowly get smaller and then completely disappear as he turned a corner. He was an absolute idiot.
“Fuck!” He yelled into the trees, sliding down the bench seat. The wood felt rough under his jeans and definitely hurt quite a bit, but he didn’t care at that point. Had he just ruined everything? “Fuck, fuck, fuck…” he mumbled to himself, burying his face in his hands. “I’m so stupid.” He sat there like that for a good 10 minutes before finally moving to leave. He couldn’t sulk in his own failure forever, after all. At least not in public.