thantophobia

CHRISTMAS approached fast and before the students at Hogwarts realzied it, break was upon them. One week left and Phoebeus was counting down the days until break arrived. He would be spending break at Hogwarts, like usual, but he was free to do what he wanted around the castle. He planned to hideaway in his dormitry until he was forced to leave. He was the only Slytherin student staying at Hogwarts this year, but he didn't mind. Being alone in the Slytherin Common Room was always peaceful for Phoebeus. 

However, break was not upon him and the common room was busied with Slytherin students. His next option for peaceful silence was the library. He tended to be calmer around books. An easy way to distracrt his brain from outside noise. 

He was reading about Muggle Studies when Hermione Granger came over by him, looking at the shelf of books next to him. He stopped reading. He glanced up at her. Licking his lips he sat up and leaned over. 

"Hermione?" He asked softly. She spun around, eyes wide. He simled slightly. "Sorry, I was just wondering, is Peter Pettigrew a ghost in Gryffindor Tower?" 

Hermione frowned at him, her eyebrows furrowing. "Uh, no? Why would you think that?"

Phoebeus blushed and nodded his head. "Fred and George probably playing a joke. Thank you, though."

She nodded, a soft smile on her lips and returned to searching for her book.

He tried to be inconspicous, waiting a bit before cleaning his stuff and retreating to his dormitry. He believed he achieved that, he didn't need Hermione Granger wondering why he cared about Peter Pettigrew. 

In his dormitry, Phoebeus reached under his bed and grabbed the box he had taken. He opened it on his bed and pulled out the letters. At the bottom of the box were newspaper clippings, pictures, and other small memorabilias that meant something to Remus Lupin. He picked up the first picture. It wasn't a moving picture like the other ones in the box. Four people smiled at him, their arms wrapped around eachother. Phoebeus couldn't help but smile at the photo.

Someone snapped behind him. The photo changed and Phoebeus flipped it over and placed it on his bed, turning around and glaring at Draco Malfoy. He was leaning on the door frame, arms crossed over his chest. "Off in your own world, Lyall?"

"It was a world without you and I'd like to go back if you don't mind." Phoebeus replied calmly. Malfoy sneered and turned around, leaving the room. Phoebeus glared after him then returned to the picture.

It changed. Three animals were now looking back at him. A wolf, a dog, and a deer. He swallowed the lump in his throat. The dog looked familiar. He had seen the dog beore. He couldn't place where, and it wasn't his top priority at the moment. Phoebeus snapped his fingers he watched the picture transform, four humans were staring at him. Biting his lip nervously. He snapped his fingers again and watchd one of the four disappear, while the others transformed into animals. Phoebeus released his lip and exaimed the photo closer. On the head of the wolf there was a rat. He snapped his fingers again and watched the rat turn into a man.

Phoebeus recalled the stories Remus would tell him. His best friends becoming animagi to help him through the full moons. A wolf. A dog. A deer. And a rat.

He dropped the picture into the box and shut it. 

The weekend brought joy throughout the castle. Students were getting ready to leave and preparing to take one lst trip to Hogesmeade before winter break. Originally, Phoebeus didn't have plans to visit the village. He was going to visit Remus. But, upon further thinking, Phoebeus remebers where he saw the dog. It was during his last trip to Hogesmeade. He was walking back to the castle andsaw the dog laying at the edge of the forest.

Phoebeus copied the letters in the box and hid them under his pillows. He took the box and stashed it in his bag. He skipped breakfast that morning and waited for the first inital wave of students to head down to the village before he made it down to the forest next to the villiage. He stopped at the entrance of the forest and furrowed his brows. Something brushed his leg. He looked down to find an orange cat looking up at him, tail curling around his leg. Phoebeus smiled and bent down, holding his hand out. 

"Hi bud, do you know where padfoot is?" He asked softly. The cat purred and licked Phoebeus's knuckles. He darted away, not waiting a second to see if Phoebeus was following. Phoebeus rushed after the cat, taking a brief moment to make sure no one watched him run into the forest. The cat stopped and stretched, nodding his head at a group of bushes. When Phoebeus took a step forward, the cat hissed. Phoebeus held his hands up and slowly kneeled down. He reached for his bag and opened it, pulling out the box. The cat sniffed it before darting into the bushes.

Phoebeus waited, his hands wringing together in his lap. A large black dog emerged from the bushes, growling at him. Phoebeus's eyes widened but he held up the picture with shaking hands. "I-I know who you are." He spoke. The dog froze. "I think you're innocent. Peter Pettigrew was on the Marauders Map, but he's not a ghost. That means he has to be alive. This picture is of you and your friends, in human and animagus form. Peter Pettigrew is a rat. One of the Gryffindors has a rat that has been in his family for 12 years." The dog stared at him. Phoebeus held the picture out and snapped his fingers. The dog continued to stare. "I, uh, have this box from my dad. There's some stuff I think you should look over. I also have food in this bag for you, and other things."

Phoebeus waited. The dog didn't move. "I would ask you to write and explain everything, but I don't have an owl. I want to help, but I don't know how."

The dog moved forward and began licking his face. Phoebeus giggled, but pushed the dog away. "S-Stop I don't like that." The dog barked and backed away. "I want to understand," Phoebeus continued. "I want to know what happened. You were the Potter's best friend, it doesn't make sense that you could just betray them. If you can make me understand, I'll try and help you."

The dog nudged his head into Phoebeus's shoulder. The young boy pet the dog's head. "I need to head back to the village, if I'm gone to long someone'll get worried."

The dog let out a whine, but backed away. Phoebeus stood and waved. The cat ran after Phoebeus. The boy bent down and picked the cat up, carrying him back to the village. He bumped into Hermione when he passed The Three Broomsticks. He called out and held up the cat. She stopped.

"Oh, Phoebeus." She said, her tone full of sorrow. Phoebeus frowned. "I-I don't know if you know—"

"What is it Hermione?" He asked, cradling the cat in his arms, he licked at Phoebeus's chin.

"Oh, well, Ron, Harry, and I just over heard people talking and, and well, Sirius Black was supposed to be watching you the night he attacked Peter Pettigrew. And, well, the teachers are concerned that Black might try and hurt you."  Hermione rambled. Phoebeus stood there.

"Take your cat, he was hiding in the forest." Phoebeus held the cat out and Hermione took him, opening her mouth to reply to Phoebeus. But he was gone.

Phoebeus was curled in his bed when Theo and Blaise came back from Hogesmeade. The two boys sat on either side of him. Phoebeus rolled on his back and looked at them.

"Are you sure you'll be fine on your own for Christmas?" Blaise whispered. Phoebeus took a deep breath.

"Yeah." Phoebeus sighed. The two boys looked at him unconvinced. "I'll be fine, I promise." The two boys continued to stare at him. Phoebeus held his arms out. "Cuddle me?"

Grins broke out on their faces and they dove down, wrapping their arms around Phoebeus.

Break began, students went home, and only seven students remained. Phoebeus had planned to spend most of the break with Remus, but the full moon was upon them once more and Remus was resting in his office. Meaning, Phoebeus was spending yet another Christmas alone. The days prior to Christmas, Phoebeus spent in the library. He caught himself up on some of the classes he fell behind in, and even read ahead in some of the others. He was shocked to see Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley spending so much time in the library as well.

"Hello, Phoebeus." Hermione whispered one day. He was reading a book on werewolves, scratching subconsciously at his face. He looked up and smiled at her. "Werewolves?"

"Uh, yeah. Just reading ahead." He said.

"Oh, cool. You know, I'm sorry about the other day."

"Okay." He shrugged, looking back down at the book. He was on the page about cures. He placed a book mark in the page and closed the book. "Is that all?"

Hermione blushed and began stumbling over her words. "Y-Yes, I just, well. Sorry, Phoebeus."

His brows furrowed but he nodded. "I need to go." He said, standing. Hermione opened her mouth to say something, but she closed it and nodded her head. He walked around her and checked out his book with the librarian. She gave him a knowing look, but smiled at him as he waved and walked off.

He decided to stay in the common room, least chance of running into someone. He curled up in the couch by the fire, and began reading more. Unsurprisingly, the section on werewolve cures was short. He shut the book, annoyed and decided to go up to his room. He reached under his bed and pulled out the bag of papers. He sat on his bed and opened it, pulling out the first one.

25-12-81
I hope you know how much I hate you. I hope your rotting in Azkaban after what you did knowing that I hate you. I remember last year you promised I'd never have to spend Christmas alone again. Yet, here I am alone on Christmas. Phoebe is with the Weasleys, because I can't look at her without thinking of you. Roma won't spend Christmas with me because she can't look at me without thinking of you. All the pity stares I get because of you. I cant walk anywhere with out someone glaring at me.

Sirius Black, I hope you die in Azkaban.

Sincerely,
Remus Lupin

25-12-82
Padfoot,

I can't stop thinking about what Christmas would be like if the Potters were here. I like to think that they would have us over for the entire week. Phoebe, you, and I spending the week with them giving Harry and Phoebe a present everyday leading up. Roma and Peter would show up on Christmas and we'd exchange the rest of the presents as usual.

Our kids would be spoilt.

But they can't be. I don't know where Harry is. Roma has disappeared off the face of the earth. And I can barley afford to get myself new clothes, I can't get Phoebe presents.

As much as I hate you,
I wish you were here.

Remus.

25-12-83
It hurts being without you. But I hate you so much.

25-12-84
Padfoot,

Last year, Phoebe started walking. This year she's talking. Just yesterday, she showed her first sign of magic. She's four. If you didn't know. You probably have trouble keeping track of time in Azkaban.

Roma is still missing. But being around Phoebe has gotten easier. Her little giggle is so adorable, you would love her.

Wishing you hadn't betrayed me.
Remus.

25-12-85
I'm not sure what to write anymore. I could write about how much it still hurts that you betrayed our family. But that causes to much pain. My therapist suggested these letters, write all the things I wish I could say.

25-12-86
Padfoot,

Happy Christmas. Much like the last four letters I've sent, I'm still imagining a Christmas with you here with us. I imagine Christmas would be the most chaotic time of year if the Potters were still alive. If you hadn't betrayed them. I write to you pretending your Padfoot because Padfoot wouldn't betray his friends like that. I don't see how you could have, but still there's all the evidence that you betrayed your best friend.

This morning when I woke up, my kid was staring at the presents. I sat next to her him. He told me how he didn't want to be a girl. He didn't like it when people called him his old name. He wanted a new name, new hair, and for people to stop calling him a girl. I didn't think a six year old could know, nor that they'd be able to express it. Nevertheless, I'm proud of my son for being able to tell me.

I'm going to ask Poppy, I'm hoping she can help so we can make sure he feels comfortable as soon as possible. I'm glad not many people know about him, it'll make Hogwarts easy for him.

I wish you were here to help with this. I don't know what to do. I wish Lily was here. Or James, James was always so supportive. I wish Roma would come out of hiding and help me.

I asked him what name he would want. He smiled at me and said, "Isn't it your job to name your kid?" I cried. I won't lie I did. You named him first. You chose that name for him. I've already started thinking of names, I'm trying to find more masculine presenting versions of his old name.

Even though I hate it, he'll still have a piece of you with him.

Remus.

PS he'll be spending the full moon tomorrow with Poppy.

1-1-87
Padfoot,

His name is Phoebeus. We decided on it together, and I love it.. Poppy is helping us. I'm so proud of him. I love him so much.

His name comes from the Greek name Phoebus, we just added an 'E' so it's pronounced Fee-be-us. Phoebus means bright and pure. Which I feels suits him. I'm excited to see him grow this year.

Happy New Year,
Remus.

The letters stopped after that. Phoebeus pretends he doesn't know why, but he knows exactly why. Six months after the last letter, Phoebeus would be scared by his father, the scars on his face being the only proof. The morning following his fathers turn, the two would rush to the hospital, before Remus would be able to explain what happened, Phoebeus would start crying about how their pet cat scratched him. He was seven, but he loved his father and knew he wasn't responsible. He would rather die than be taken away. Little did he know, his father would be filled with so much guilt, he wouldn't be able to watch his own son. So, after that, Phoebeus was alone.