Glass shattered on the white cloth
No. This couldn’t be happening. There were supposed to end up together. They were supposed to be it. Forever. Never, never would Sirius have imagined that it would stop. Never would he have imagined that Remus would say no.
But here they were, in their little London apartment, heartbroken and aching. And it was the end.
Shock, at first. Then tears, an ocean of tears, in James' arms, after he fled their apartment. And anger, against everything and everyone. Against James who didn't make his coffee the way Sirius liked it. Against Lily who said something about the moon. And even against Harry, who woke him up one night crying. But never against Remus. Around his name, there was only sadness. And love. Incomprehension and disbelief, too.
Breakups happen everyday you don’t have to lose it
But why, why did he say no ? In what world would he not want to spend their lives together ? For what reason could he give up the best thing they ever had ?
And that’s when the doubts started. Like an insidious worm creeping in Sirius’ head, Like a malicious, an unbearable possibility. At first he tried to ignore it, obviously. He tried to reason himself, he tried to see clarity. There was no way the man he had known for ten years and loved for pretty much the same time would betray him. Betray them. But then why did he chose to end it all ? There was no plausible reason, no believable cause for him to live like that, so suddenly.
So Sirius let himself believe. That maybe there was a deeper reason. That maybe it wasn't because Remus didn't love him anymore. Thinking that the love of your life is betraying you is painful. But not as much as thinking that he doesn't love you. And though he hated it, this distrust, he leaned into it. He accepted it. Remus had left because of the war. It had nothing, nothing to do with Sirius. He had done nothing wrong, never loved too much, or too strong. And he had certainly not scared Remus away.
If our love died young, I can’t bear witness
Do you ever think of me ? Do you hate me now ? I wish I could tell you how much I regret. I wish I didn’t make such a stupid mistake. I’m sorry. I hope sometimes you think about me. I hope it’s not too painful. I hope you can remember when we were happy. I’m sorry. Please don’t forget the love we had, even though I know you want to. Please don’t hate yourself for having loved me. I’m sorry. I hope you still love me, even just a little bit, even if you deny it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
Did you ever hear about the boy who got frozen ? Time went on for everyone he won’t know it
13 years. Of howling at the sky every full moon. Of feeling himself slowly fade away. Of reminiscing of his past life. 13 years of literal hell. Sirius spent a lot of time in dog form. Most of his time actually. When he was Padfoot, he could pretend that everything was still like before. Often, he fantasied about what Remus and him would be doing if they were together at this moment. If everything was fine. It was easier than to think about Remus’ actual life. And how Sirius’ mistake had ruined it.
He’s still 21, inside his fantasy
But then they met again. And when he saw him, it was like he was 12 all over again. It felt like falling in love for the first time, falling into the unknown but with a oh so familiar feeling of safety. Fireworks and cannonballs, a godforsaken beautiful mess, coming home.
You left me no choice but to stay here forever
You're intoxicating, you're poison and ambrosia, you'll be fucking death to me, you're life. And no matter what, I'll always feel the same, we're bound to each other, a golden string tied on each of our fingers. So of course I'm yours, of course I'll stay, I can't even begin to imagine what it would be to leave. I can't process my life without you. And I'm ready to jump back into your love, without a second thought, without even thinking about it actually. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready.
And it's been so long but if you ever think you got it wrong, I'm right where you left me
"Will you take me back ?", Remus had said
And it wasn't even a question, saying no wasn't even a possibility. And because acts are better than a thousand words, Sirius kissed him, kissed him like he was oxygen, like it could solve everything on Earth, like Remus was the only thing keeping him alive.
And in a sense, he was.
Cross-legged in the dim light, everything was just right
That night of June 1996, they were alone at Grimmauld place. With the war, and the meetings, and the missions, they barely were able to see each other. When you think about it, it was a bit like back in 1981. But this time there was trust. A certainty, "he's here for good, he's here for me". And somehow that made everything else seem okay.
They were alone, laying on the bed in Sirius' old bedroom. Remus was gently stroking Sirius' hair, his eyes on the book he had just started. "I never thought we'd be like that ever again", Sirius thought. Despite everything going on, the violence, the horrors, the deaths and the permanent stress, he felt like this was where he belonged. Where he was meant to be, where he was meant to end.
He felt at peace. Like he had done what he was meant to do. And like he looked forward to doing plenty more. To loving plenty more.
Help I'm still at the restaurant, still sitting in the corner I haunt
But then everything changed. From peace to a fucking tornado, destroying everything, every bit of light that was still in them. When they learned what had happened back at the ministry, they didn't think twice. They got there as fast as they could, still in complete disbelief. Hoping they weren't too late.
Fighting was almost mechanical. After more than fifteen - fifteen - years at war, it wasn't something that Sirius even had to think about anymore. Even fighting against what was once his family didn't bother him. No, fighting wasn't the problem. What was twisting his guts was theothers having to fight. Remus, ever so quick to shout his spells. Harry, wise beyond his years. And every member of the Order, young or not, old or new. But mostly Remus. Remus who, no matter what, he couldn't bear to let out of his sight. Not even when he knew that he was perfectly capable of doing fine all alone. Not even when he knew he himself could use a little more focusing. Not even standing on a rock, battling against his cousin. Not. Even. Then.
I swear you could hear a hairpin drop, right when I felt the moment stop
And so he stepped backwards. One single step and he knew, there was no coming back. He understood it right away, this was the end, and for good this time. No more hope, no more love, no more watching Remus wake up every morning, no more tracing his scars with his lips, no more Remus.
Everybody moved on but I’m right where you left me
Yes, he knew. And he was sad, and heartbroken, of course. But most importantly, he was thinking of Remus. Only Remus. Always Remus. Mere months after reuniting, they would be apart again. Ans so he hoped Remus would be okay. He hoped he would be able to move on, to walk away from what they had had. He hoped he would get a life, find someone new, someone to love him as he deserved. And Sirius would watch. Not one second would he drift his eyes away from his love
I’m sure that you’ve got a wife out there, kids and Christmas but I’m unaware
“Have a good life”, he whispered through the veil.