I know you (F/N) (L/N). I know you because I am you. But if I am you, then why can’t you see it? Why can’t you hear me? I know you consider yourself a fiercely loyal friend. I know how much you value your honesty and integrity. I know you are intelligent and brave and kind. I know you value your friends above all else and I know you despise anyone who would try to bring them harm.
I know you (F/N) (L/N). I know about your search for the cursed vaults and your quest to find your brother. I know how many hours you’ve spent searching and how many nights you’ve gone without sleep. I know you’ve dueled frozen suits of armor and fought off armies of boggarts. And if I know all this, why can’t you see it? Why can’t you see their faces?
I know how you met. I know they were there. I know they’ve been with you every step of the way. So why don’t you know their faces? Why don’t you remember their names? The one who you met in Diagon Alley, with the glasses. At least, you think they wore glasses. Did they wear glasses? And the other one. The one that’s always scared. And there’s a girl. That girl in Slytherin House. The one you’re always butting heads with. I know that you know them. I know you know their faces. So why can’t you see it?
I know you (F/N) (L/N). I know how the images dance behind your eyes, hidden by a curtain of fog. I know how their names sit on the tip of your tongue, ready to be said but never forthcoming. There’s something wrong with us, I know there is. Because there shouldn’t be an ‘us’. It should just be me. Or should it just be you?
I know you (F/N) (L/N). I know your mind is fractured. I know you can’t recall things. Things you should be able to remember. But the words, you can’t see them. The Healers need you to sign some papers before you can be discharged but they’ve forgotten to give you a quill. You know, the thing you use to write with? It’s called a quill. I know you know what it’s called. It’s called a quill!
“I-I need. Um, the… the thing. The thing to… to w-write.”
Close enough.
They show up at your house a few days later. The people you can’t remember. They’re patient with you, and you appreciate their company. You think you can almost remember them. Or things about them, at least.
“It’s me, Charlie.” One of them says. “Remember?”
“Charlie?” You say slowly. “Charlie. Charlie. Er… you like… um… those creatures. The big ones with the, uh… the wings.”
“Yeah, that’s right.” Charlie nods. “And… do you remember who this is?”
I know you do, (F/N). I know you remember him. I know you know his name. Andre Egwu, quidditch prodigy and style wizard extraordinaire. Just say his name. Just listen to me and you’ll remember his name! But I know you can’t hear me. I know you can’t remember.
“It’s alright, mate.” The Ravenclaw says gently.
You smile apologetically, but I know that inside you’re fuming. I know how frustrated you are that you can’t remember anyone’s name. I know how much you hate the pitiful looks their giving you. I know how weak it makes you feel. If I could just find a way to reach you. To make you hear me.
They’ve been over for a few hours, trying to help you remember. You act like you appreciate it, but I know you better. I know that it just makes you sad. The door opens again, another person come to visit. Your eyes flicker upwards at the new arrival, but I know you won’t remember them. I know you don’t remember them. But I do.
Penny.
Everyone looks at you in surprise, even me. Because you said her name. And for a moment ‘we’ disappear. For a moment it’s just me. Me and her. But then it’s over and I’m back to watching from behind a glass wall where you can’t hear me.
She doesn’t understand why everyone looks so shocked. She doesn’t understand why this is so huge. But by the time she’s opened her mouth to say something you’re already gone. Run up the stairs and barricaded yourself in our bedroom.
I know you (F/N) (L/N). I know you never back down from a fight. I know you don’t run from danger. But what I don’t know is why you’re running now? We love her. You remember that, right? You remember how we feel? Do you? Do you remember how her smile shines? How her laugh sings? The way she somehow turns our brains into a pile of mush just by saying our name. Don’t you remember everything we feel for her? Don’t you?
I thought I knew you (F/N) (L/N). I’m supposed to know you because I am you. At least, that’s what I thought. But it seems more and more that we’re two different people. Like the brain and the body have been separated, and I’m starting to worry that this is how it’s going to be from now on. That I’ll just be the voice that can’t escape your head.
You toss and turn in your sleep. God, I miss sleeping. But now I spend my nights trying to find a way to put us back together. But there’s no spell I can think of. No potion or herb. Evidence suggests that the only thing that might work is Penny. But every time I start to think of something you interrupt me by waking up in fits. What are you dreaming about? I think I know. The way you scream, you must be reliving that moment. What she did to us. The Cruciatus Curse leaves scars that run deep. Of all the things that I remember, that’s the one I can’t. It seems that memory is your burden to bear.
Mum and Dad’s fussing has reached a peak as August comes to a close. They say things about not returning to Hogwarts. That perhaps a year off is in order. But I know you well enough that it comes as no surprise that on the evening of September 1st, I watch as Hogwarts castle grows closer in your eyes, my windows to the outside world.
I know you (F/N) (L/N). I know why you were so eager to return. I know that you’re hoping to find some solidity in the familiarity of routine. But that hope quickly dies, frustration taking its place as you find yourself unable to recall the things that once came so easily to you. The spells become lost in the fog and the potions recipes once committed to memory are nothing more than a jumble of letters and numbers. No amount of studying or supplementary lessons seems to help. The hours spent in the library are hours wasted. The information, new and old, just becomes lost.
Quidditch is the next thing to be taken from you as your spot on the team is handed off to another. Someone who can actually remember Orion’s formations and Murphey’s tactics. By November, Professor Dumbledore relieves you of your prefect duties to allow you more time to focus on recovery. It’s meant as a kindness, I know. Perhaps you know it too. But I know you (F/N) (L/N). I know the intention is inconsequential. I know what that title meant to you. And I know the dignity that you’ve struggled so desperately to cling too has been surrendered along with the badge.
I know you (F/N) (L/N). I know your heart and I know your mind. I know your greatest desires and I know your deepest fears. I know you wake in the dead of night as the nightmares bring back the pain and I know you struggle during the day to reclaim the mind you once possessed. But what I don’t know, what I cannot understand is why you avoid her. Why do you hide from her in class? Why do you run at the sight of her? Do you not remember? Do you not remember that she is your greatest desire? Do you not remember why you bore that pain? Who it was for? We almost lost her! Don’t you remember? Clearly, you mustn’t. Clearly you don’t remember how you feel about her. How we feel about her. Because if you could see the hurt in her eyes every time you run from her, you would never leave her again. I thought I knew you. I thought you were (F/N) (L/N). I thought you were the person who loved Penny Haywood. But it seems I was mistaken. I don’t know who you are.
I don’t know you, but you’re not (F/N) (L/N). (F/N) (L/N) would leave Penny alone for six months. (F/N) (L/N) wouldn’t break her heart. And (F/N) (L/N) would certainly know that trying to run from Penny Haywood was a futile effort at best. Therefore, it came as no surprise when she cornered you in the Artefact Room.
It happened in March. It was very near curfew, but if there was one thing that hasn’t changed about you it’s your penchant for rule breaking. Rowan told you to meet them in the Artefact Room that evening, that they might have found something to help make ‘us’, ‘me’. Opening the door to the dusty old room, you were surprised to find it empty. Rowan wasn’t usually one to be late. You jumped when the door shut behind you. And that’s how you found yourself face to face with Penny, who had been waiting behind the door.
A few seconds silence lingered between you during which Penny looked you over with loving eyes. She opened her mouth to speak but was immediately cut short by a piercing scream that alarmed even me.
“No!” You shouted. Your arms wrapped around your head, and you stumbled backwards, tripping over yourself in your haste to retreat. “No, please!”
Penny rushed towards your fallen figure; concern etched on her every feature. “(F/N)…”
“I’m sorry, okay. I-I’m sorry. I’m trying, I promise you, Penny, I’m trying.”
“(F/N)…”
“I know!” You cried. Your words are barely comprehendible as the tears cause your speech to slur together. “I know you don’t want to see me. I know. I’m… I’m doing my best, I am. Just don’t say it, Penny. Please. Please don’t say it. I don’t want you to say it.”
“Say what?” She asks, kneeling in front of you. But you simply shake your head and lean as far away from her as possible, hands pressed firmly over your ears as you shut your eyes.
“Please don’t say it.” You continue to sob. “Please don’t say it.”
“(F/N)?” She says gently. “What’s wrong?”
“I… I don’t remember what I did.” You shake your head as you rock back and forth. “I don’t remember what I did. I don’t remember what I did.”
“Then tell me what you do remember.”
Your risk opening one eye and warily looking up at her. “I… I remember that you said you never wanted to see me again.” You whimper. “I remember that you said you hate me. And I know you wouldn’t have said those things if I didn’t do something… but I don’t remember what I did. I’m sorry but I don’t remember what I did. I don’t… I don’t remember how I hurt you. Whatever it was, whatever I did, I’m sorry. Just please don’t say it again. Please don’t say it, Penny.”
Her eyes fill with tears as she realizes. I realize it now too. Those nightmares weren’t about Rakepick, were they? The moment you were reliving wasn’t the Cruciatus Curse. That’s not the pain that woke you at night. That’s not the reason we’re broken.
“I’ll do better.” You continue to cry. “I promise, I’ll do better. I’ll leave Hogwarts and you’ll never see me again; I promise. Just don’t say it, I don’t want you to say it.”
Of course, it all makes sense now. I’m the brain. I remember the things you don’t. The spells, the potions, the faces, and names. But you’re the one that feels. You’re the heart. And of course, I know your greatest fear. Having your greatest fear realized is enough to drive anyone mad.
Her hand comes to a gentle rest on your shoulder, and you immediately flinch away, trembling something awful and wrapping your arms around your ears.
“I am so sorry I did this to you.” Penny cries. “All this time. All this time you thought I hated you. And I am so, so sorry for making you think that. I am so sorry for making you think I ever could.”
“So you… you don’t… hate me anymore?”
She pulls you into a tight embrace. “I never hated you. I was scared and angry, but never with you. And never once have I hated you. Not for one second. I am so sorry that I made you think I did. Please, can you ever forgive me?”
“Penny.” I cry. Still sobbing, I fall into her embrace and wrap my arms around her waist, desperately clinging onto her and never wanting to let go. “I missed you.”
Oh. Those are my arms. Those are my tears. And I can feel her face pressed against the top of my head. That’s interesting.
“I missed you too.” She says through her tears. “I love you.”