The first time Remus Lupin saw Sirius Black cry
The first time Sirius Black says the name “Voldemort” out loud, it is not a joyful occasion. Remus and James were staring at him with troubled expressions, and it had not taken Dumbledore too long to come to his side. He feels a wave of loyalty, of unbreakable determination to tell the man everything that had happened two nights prior, maybe he was able to help his little brother then, when he knew Regulus had disobeyed The Dark Lord to bring him to safety.
“I should have known”, he tells them, recalling the unusual calm that had possessed Grimmauld Place that last week, “my parents, they... were nice, they are never nice. Then, they tell me they were going to host a ball, and I thought nothing of it until I go down and I see my cousins and their husbands there, alongside some of their friends and people I know nothing about...”
“What happened then, Mr. Black?” Dumbledore urges him anxiously.
“Voldemort arrived, and he told me he was going to make me this gift to prove myself...” he croaks, trying to forget the man´s red eyes, his snaky face and the hunger he showed when he looked at him.
Moony starts shaking, he can feel him, but Prongs just stays there, paralysed, paled and looking as if he were about to throw up.
“How do you know it was him?”
“My cousin... she called him Dark Lord, and his eyes... they were inhumane, as if he came straight from a nightmare. He told me I was going to receive the mark, and I told him I wouldn´t, I told him I would rather die! Headmaster, I promise, I would never, I hate...” Sirius babbles, wishing they believed him, they had to, they had to believe him...
“I know, my boy, I know” Dumbledore assures him, despite having his arm grabbed, despite doing his best to make sure he hadn´t, that he was clean.
Euphemia and Monty must have noticed this, because, for a moment, hatred shines in the woman´s eyes while the man hugs her, not only to console her, but also to stop her from doing something she could regret later on.
“Regulus... We tried to scape together, but she caught us...”
“Who caught you, love?” Euphemia asks softly.
“My... I´m not her son anymore, I´m not!”
“Of course not, Sirius, of course not...” Monty says softly, misinterpreting the situation as he bends to his side.
“Then, they tried to convince me to join, they...”
“I know, Mr. Black, I know” Dumbledore says back again, his eyes look troubled like everyone else´ s in the room, and, somehow, totally different. That is the way the old man thinks, he does not let himself dwell on the tragedy of the past, but on the consequences of such tragedy, on the opportunity missed and the one yet to appear.
“I was dying... I remember that much, but then, in one of those times they stopped, I don´t know what happened, Voldemort left, I think he ordered them to finish me off, and while the death eaters were distracted, Regulus grabbed me and ran to the chimney”.
“YOU HAVE TO SAVE HIM, HE TOOK MY PLACE, YOU HAVE TO GET HIM OUT. PLEASE! HE IS A KID! HE IS ONLY A CHILD!” he was shouting now, trying to remove himself from Remus´ arms, set around him so that he couldn´t get out of bed.
They were crying, everyone but the headmaster was crying, he barely realised it at the moment, more focused on Regulus´ fate than on anything else, but he would think about it in constantly in the years to come. That image would not leave his mind, the one where the headmaster showed no mercy, the words he kindly used to let him know his little brother was to rot in that fucking house.
“I´ll find out if he is alive, Mr. Black, and, if he is not in any immediate danger, I´ll let him be. We shall respect and honour his sacrifice”.
“You have been very brave, Mr. Black, I shall remember that” the old man adds before leaving the house.
Many would wonder, in two years time, the reasons the old headmaster could have to offer seventeen years old, not yet out of Hogwarts, a place in The Order of the Phoenix; they would either envy him or pity him, sometimes both, but Sirius would accept no matter what, Sirius would do everything he could to ensure Voldemort and his parents did not win, to be powerful enough to offer, one day, a safe place to his little brother.
He would get him out of there, he had vowed, he would even if he had to do it on his own.
Dumbledore leaves and Sirius, with nothing left to do, cries himself to sleep, feeling Remus´ hands inside his thick hear less and less while he does so.
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Remus Lupin had never watched Sirius Black have a break down, he didn´t even think it was possible, because Sirius seemed to be made of rock, unbreakable, but there he was, with James freaking out around him and Sirius sobbing. He knew it had to do with his family (he had always known that), that they had taught him feelings were a weakness, that love was a tragedy and public appearances the ultimate goal to accomplish.
Hell, he had been nine the first time Walburga Black had tried to kill him!, and only because a supposed muggle had no right to befriend the heir of The Most Noble and Ancient House of Black. That day Remus Lupin lost his first and only friend and, apparating himself and his mom back to safety, gained a free pass to Hogwarts.
He remembers Dumbledore´s visit two years latter, him explaining that Remus would be accepted despite being a werewolf because, apparently, he had done some accidental magic powerful enough to fool the werewolf-phobic systematic magic that automatically excluded magical-beings other than humans from the register of students going to Hogwarts. He received his letter then, not being able yet to believe he had a chance, a slim chance, to see Sirius again (had he not been killed by his mother, of course).
The reasons his parents or Dumbledore, when they told him what happened two years prior, had not acted then, well, he did not know them, but his... Those he knew too well.
His cowardice, the reason he would never deserve Sirius Black, his inability to take the leap during conflicts or hard times... That was a feeling that would never leave Remus. He knew then, just as he would know all over again in a few years time... Remus Lupin would loose everything that 31st of october of 1981 and yet, the two things he didn't have to lose (Sirius and Harry), he would as well due to his own faults. But let´s not think about that now, because Remus then lived what would surely be one of the best moments of his life, as, a few hours later, Sirius got out of bed and walked, with James´ help, to the tree he was sitting in.
“I´m going back inside” James tells them, “Pete has written back to me, he is to arrive at any moment and he seemed worried sick and really pissed. Anyway, not your problem, my fault...”
He leaves the garden shooting them a concerned glance and that is that. Hot flushes lighten Remus´ cheeks when he thinks what he had confessed to James in one of his weakest moments, he hopes they could still be friends after that, he truly wished they could, because Remus would be no one without James unwanted attention, he would realise that sooner rather than latter, that James had taken the role of big brother with pleasure and, without him, Remus would only fall into much darker times than the ones they lived in before he gave up.
And Remus finds himself looking at Sirius, expecting him to disappear at any moment now. It does not seem real, Sirius´ survival, it seems a dream, a hallucination; and yet, any world without Sirius would not feel real either, because Remus cannot remember a time without Sirius, even during those years when his presence had been reduced to a trait of his own imagination, they had always been Moony and Padfoot.
“I´m really glad you´re ok”, he finds himself saying, placing gingerly his right arm around Sirius ´shoulders, not really touching him until he made sure his best friend wouldn´t flinch.
“Me too” Sirius confesses, his head sustained by Remus´ shoulders, “but Regulus... If I could take his place, I would.”
“We´ll get him out, Siri. He´ll be at Hogwarts, won´t he? We have a whole year to make him leave that place.”
Sirius snorts, clearly having trouble imagining his stubborn brother seeking for help. They stay like that for a while, neither of them brave enough to break the silence, and Remus knows right then and there, that if he does not do it now, he never will.
“Sirius” he says, “listen, I... should tell you something. And I know what you are gonna say, that´s why I never did before, but after everything...”
“What am I going to say?” he asks, raising his eyebrows, clearly put out.
“Just... look, I...”
It is then that Sirius Black approaches him with a longing expression. Their lips welcome each other instantly, almost as if it was always supposed to be that way, as if they had been made to complement each other since the very first day. And Remus, who had seen himself in dreams kissing Sirius Black since he was thirteen, thinks that no matter what his head made up, it would never keep up with reality, with the feeling Sirius Black leaves in his lower belly and the strong pounding of his heart.
“I... why...?” he stutters, once they were, back again, away from each other´s arms. How can someone be that stupid? It is clear now to Remus that his friend was just playing with him, he was in a fragile state of mind, anyone could see that, and thus, Remus is but a distraction, but a way of escapism from an endless trauma. Because... who in their right mind would love him like that? Him, who was a werewolf, a dark creature, since the age of four, him, the coward of Gryffindor: a disgusting, dangerous creature and nothing more. Moreover, Sirius was straight, straight as a rule, so that was that.
“I tried not to” Sirius confesses then, “I really did, because it is clear to me that I don´t deserve you, you deserve so much better than me Rem, so much better... But then, as I was dying, I regretted it deeply: the prank, the way I´ve kept my feelings for you to myself... I know you´ll never forgive me, and I don´t deserve to be forgiven, but if you let me tell you how sorry I am...”.
He babbles, his eyes lost for a moment, and Remus finds it extremely ironic, the way Sirius is convinced he doesn't deserve him just as Remus would never deserve Sirius; because it is Sirius we are talk him about, Sirius, the boy who had risked everything to be his friend, Sirius, the boy who had accepted him for what he was without a doubt and had spent endless nights awake, looking for a solution, for a way of helping him. No one had done that for him before, not the healers, and certainly not his parents, and all it took for Sirius was a week to discover werewolves were harmless around other animals, and that included animagus.
Remus had not found that out until much later, of course, but the mere fact that Sirius had wasted his time in pointless research (that is what he had been told) for him and only him... Maybe it was then, the instant he fell in love with Sirius, with the way his voice trembled with anger while he complained about the inaccurate and biased information Hogwarts´ library had to offer.
“Sirius” he interrupts him, “you are more than enough, it is me who... But I can´t lie to you, and an apology would help.”
“Right, right...”
Sirius struggles to bend on his knee.
“Remus John Lupin” he announces pompously and, at the same time, with the most solemn expression, “I am deeply sorry for revealing your secret to Severus Snape, it is something I will never be able to make up to you or to forgive myself for. Not only for breaking your trust, but also for endangering another person (a poor excuse of a person, but still a person). You were right, I am just like them and I should never approach you again, it has been selfish of me and I am deeply sorry.”
Needless to say, that was not the kind of apology Remus expected to hear. He recalls the exact words he had said that day, once he woke up and they let him know what had happened the night before, and he was not proud of them; it was just that... if he had ever trusted someone to remain loyal to him, that had been Sirius, and hearing him tell how he had betrayed him just like that... it had damaged Remus deeply.
But not anymore, he had long forgiven Sirius Black and he would make sure he knew that.
“Sirius, stop” he says, making him sit by his side, “that is not what I wanted to hear. You don´t think sometimes, we all know that, and what I wanted you to say was that you would calm down and maybe keep your cool the next time something like this happens, but those words I shouted at you... I was hurt, Sirius, but I did not mean them, you have to know that, I did not mean them because they are not true. You are the most wonderful person I´ve ever met, and, for a long time, I was convinced you would never like me back because I would never be as cool, as free, but not anymore Sirius, not anymore... anyone would be lucky to have you, because you are a very good person, I hope you know that, that if anyone between the two of us is a monster, that is me.”
By the time James comes back alongside Peter (his mother had ordered them to tell the boys dinner was served), he finds their best friends´ bodies strangled and obvious signs of previous tears. He ignores all that during dinner, but he eventually lets them know, nonetheless, that he will always support their relationship, that he thinks it is beautiful and he would think so until the day he died.
James, of course, did not intended to honour such a promise so soon in life, what was certain, though, was that, after those couple of days, James Potter would never be the same, and our beloved red-haired girl would notice —of course she would—, not aware of the effects trauma can display and that such state of mind would be the one to finally bring them together.