My one and only star,
I remember that rainy day in the Gryffindor dorm, so far away that I can’t picture the warm and cosy feeling of our bed, but so close that I can still smell your ridiculous leather jacket. On a day when the sunlight was robbed by the sullen pouring rain, and you were bored and frustrated because your "douchebag" James left you for Quidditch (the only reason I approved the name was the fact that Jame had lied to sneak on a date with Lily). I remember after putting a cruel spell on James' bed, cursing the rain and repeating your Queen’s vinyl collection twice, you finally decided to toture the only thing left in the room, me and my poor Anna Karenina. Oh, how lucky I was that I had come to the end of the story and how unlucky that my face was covered with tears from her tragedy.
Pad, your voice, amidst your curious gaze, asking me again why I could read the same book dozens of times and still be able to cry at the same unsurprising part, the death of a fictional character. I couldn't tell you no matter how many times I repeated my record, how many times I came back to the same old book, the words reflecting the hollow and starving for love of my soul still remained. Your eyes were clouded with grey, mine with brown hazel, haunted by it. I deeply felt your silky hair with my lips as I asked you.
"If one day I am poisoned with some untreatable and lethal illness, and you know exactly when and how I will die, will your tears fall when the time comes?"
You didn’t answer and leaped on my scarred body. My words were never a thread to you or your hands under my robe that day. So there was a lot to remember: our wrestling, your pleasing laugh, and the unresistant sins we committed on James' bed, but your warmth breathing on my chest, after all, is the thing carved deepest into my heart. For a moment, I thought you were here to prove to me that the world was not only cold and monstrous but that even a monster could have love, and for a moment, I thought I deserved your warmth forever. What an egoistic boy I was!
" I will. Forever."
You smiled, gave me the words. Your head was on my shoulder. So gorgeous that it didn't feel real, it felt dream. Your breath brushed against my neck as you promised to let me haunt you in your dreams if my hysterical theory came true.You generously offer a good number of tears too. And we laughed, naked and bare before each other's souls. The sun finally broke through the rainy sky, bathing our room in honeyed hues and illuminating the glittering red scarves that hung haphazardly on the window. We were too young to fully understand the power of love, grief, and the terror of separation, but somehow, we were old enough to understand war, so they threw us into one.
All of our bright and colourful past now clashes viciously with my black and grey present, as you are now gone forever. My most reckless action is the time I dared to look down on the ability of life, which it avenged by taking you away temporarily and now permanently. You shunked into the veil so slowly that I saw every inch of you vanish from this world, but also so fast that I couldn’t reach my precious warmth for the last time. I love you so much that I couldn’t live without you, but I was away from you long enough to learn how. Luckily, your eyes remain open, Pad. They bleed their grey into mine, and now I no longer see the world with solidarity, I see it with you. Everywhere I go, everyone I see, a part of you curls around them and around me like a familiar hug. I no longer sense your warmth, but your cold is more than enough for someone like me.
Did you know that I once thought you could keep your words? The way James and Lily were full of life and you, my star, were bright enough to outshine the sun. Never in my life did I think I would go last. But, out of the four of us, it is me... So let me keep the promise you made .Pad, I allow you to haunt me at any time, in any form, in my dreams or hallucinations, day or night. I don’t care. A dream of form in days of thought. My dream, please haunt me, torture me, just stay with me...
I loved you. I love you. And I will. Forever
Yours.
Moony