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I̶c̶h̶ s̶e̶h̶e̶, d̶a̶s̶s̶ d̶u̶ d̶e̶n̶k̶s̶t̶
I̶c̶h̶ d̶e̶n̶k̶e̶ d̶a̶s̶s̶ d̶u̶ f̶üh̶l̶s̶t̶
I̶c̶h̶ f̶üh̶l̶e̶ d̶a̶s̶s̶ d̶u̶ w̶i̶l̶l̶s̶t̶
a̶b̶e̶r̶ i̶c̶h̶ h̶ör̶ d̶i̶c̶h̶ n̶i̶c̶h̶t̶
The week had been calm for Regulus. Well, as calm as it could get when your chaotic Gryffindor brother wants to spend time with you and your brother-rival/crush/enemy at the same time. Sirius had, what for him was the greatest idea ever known to mankind: Make them like each other via quality time spent together.
He was so keen on it that he, in fact, had made timetables. He'd tried to keep them a secret from Regulus, and thus probably James as well.
Regulus found out the day after the first timetable was put to action. His brother had never had the best hiding spots, be it hide and seek or objects. He decided he wouldn't confront him about it, one, because he really couldn't care less; James didn't like him and he had to come to terms with that and two; he didn't have the mental nor the physical energy to interfere. So he watched as his brother 'sneakily' checked the timetables and assign them rooms and activities.
i̶c̶h̶ h̶a̶b̶ m̶i̶r̶ e̶i̶n̶ W̶ör̶t̶e̶r̶b̶u̶c̶h̶ g̶e̶l̶i̶e̶h̶e̶n̶
d̶i̶r̶ A̶ b̶i̶s̶ Z̶ i̶n̶s̶ O̶h̶r̶ g̶e̶s̶c̶h̶r̶i̶e̶e̶n̶
I̶c̶h̶ s̶t̶a̶p̶e̶l̶ t̶a̶u̶s̶e̶n̶d̶ w̶i̶r̶r̶e̶ W̶o̶r̶t̶e̶ a̶u̶f̶
d̶i̶e̶ d̶i̶c̶h̶ a̶m̶ Är̶m̶e̶l̶ z̶i̶e̶h̶e̶n̶
Despite his brother really trying, James didn't talk to Regulus, so, naturally, Regulus didn't either. Anytime there was any cause for conversation, James stuttered, stayed silent and then ran away with lame excuses.
Regulus found it pathetic, really, but his oh so stupid little heart hurt in his chest whenever that happened. And he hated it. Why couldn't he just be normal? Why did he have to fall in love with his stupid brother's best friend? Why couldn't he just find a nice girl, marry her and die with her?
Those thoughts followed him all day. After dinner, he excused himself and went to bed. His lungs still hurt with every breath he took and his skin was still red and sore. Remind him to never black out in a magical fire ever again.
After brushing his teeth and changing painfully (and) slow, he laid down and started thinking. If he could push away that stupid crush of his, maybe he could pretend to like a girl. To love her to the point he loved James. Marry her, have kids and live an easy life. No more longing glances at men, no more fantasizing about a calm, cozy cottage with a loving husband.
No more stupid feelings of his.
U̶n̶d̶ w̶o̶ d̶u̶ h̶i̶n̶g̶e̶h̶e̶n̶ w̶i̶l̶l̶s̶t̶
I̶c̶h̶ h̶än̶g̶ a̶n̶ d̶e̶i̶n̶e̶n̶ B̶e̶i̶n̶e̶n̶
W̶e̶n̶n̶ d̶u̶ s̶c̶h̶o̶n̶ a̶u̶f̶ d̶e̶n̶ M̶u̶n̶d̶ f̶a̶l̶l̶e̶n̶ m̶u̶s̶s̶t̶
W̶a̶r̶u̶m̶ d̶a̶n̶n̶ n̶i̶c̶h̶t̶ a̶u̶f̶ m̶e̶i̶n̶e̶n̶?
When he woke up, he found himself in his room. Not the room at James' house, no. His old room. The one at the black's mansion. His blood froze in his veins.
Did he dream all that? He jumped out of the bed and spun around, panicing. Had there been no fire? No Sirius, no James? He started rummaging through his stuff. The christmas presents for Sirius were still there. Was everything back to normal?
Suddenly, a door opened and he straightened his back, raised his chin and put on his mask. It was a reflex. He sometimes found himself doing it at James' house aswell, luckily, he could stop himself before anyone noticed.
The person entering the room was... himself? But a bit younger. Quite a bit. About ten years old, he presumed. Little him didn't seem to notice him. Instead, he closed the door and slid down on it, sat with his back to it and fiddled with something around his wrist. Tears were running down his face, loud sobs breaking from him.
O̶h̶ b̶i̶t̶t̶e̶ g̶i̶b̶ m̶i̶r̶ n̶u̶r̶ e̶i̶n̶ W̶o̶r̶t̶
B̶i̶t̶t̶e̶ g̶i̶b̶ m̶i̶r̶ n̶u̶r̶ e̶i̶n̶ O̶h̶
B̶i̶t̶t̶e̶ g̶i̶b̶ m̶i̶r̶ n̶u̶r̶ e̶i̶n̶
B̶i̶t̶t̶e̶ b̶i̶t̶t̶e̶ g̶i̶b̶ m̶i̶r̶ n̶u̶r̶ e̶i̶n̶ W̶o̶r̶t̶
After carefully taking a closer look, Regulus identified the something as a friendship bracelet that Barty had made him. Older Regulus' eyes widened. He knew what this was. It was the night he realised he wasn't normal. At that time, he considered Barty his best and closest friend. He also had had a crush on him. It had been his first ever crush, though he hadn't known that of course.
That particular evening, he'd asked his brother wether it was okay to marry a boy and Sirius had screamed at him, pleading that he would never say anything like that to their parents.
Regulus understood that it was bad, that his parents would disown him if they found out. So he'd kept quiet and hid any evidence he might be different. That, of course, couldn't prevent the blush he got whenever he was in the boy's changing room, the weird dreams he had about boys, not girls, the non-existent feelings he had towards magazines with girls in it that Barty owned.
Seeing his younger self break down like that, he tried to contain himeslf. To just bottle it all up. And yet, there that little, ten year old guy sat. So young, so grown up, so vulnerable. That little man sat there, having his worst thoughts, about how wrong this was, how wrong he was.
E̶s̶ i̶s̶t̶ v̶e̶r̶r̶üc̶k̶t̶ w̶i̶e̶ s̶c̶h̶ön̶ d̶u̶ s̶c̶h̶w̶e̶i̶g̶s̶t̶
W̶i̶e̶ d̶u̶ d̶e̶i̶n̶ h̶üb̶s̶c̶h̶e̶s̶ K̶öp̶f̶c̶h̶e̶n̶ n̶e̶i̶g̶s̶t̶
U̶n̶d̶ s̶o̶ d̶e̶r̶ g̶a̶n̶z̶e̶n̶ l̶a̶u̶t̶e̶n̶ W̶e̶l̶t̶ u̶n̶d̶ m̶i̶r̶ d̶i̶e̶ k̶a̶l̶t̶e̶ S̶c̶h̶u̶l̶t̶e̶r̶ z̶e̶i̶g̶s̶t̶
That night, he'd made a decision. He had decided to never, ever, ever listen to those feelings again. To lock them up in his head, in a dark, silent corner. To leave them there, let them rot there because Merlin, if anyone found out! And in the end, older Regulus realised, something had been growing in him. Those thoughts. They hadn't gotten less nor anything, they were stronger than ever. And Regulus hated it so much.
So so much.
It wasn't natural. It was not okay, not accepted, not wanted. These feelings have to stay hidden.
Looking back at his younger self, he realised that that little boy called Regulus, that he had all those things to worry about, that burden on his shoulder, and that broke him. The older Regulus started sobbing violently, feeling the stupid tears run over his stupid cheeks.
His brain was fucked up. It had been at ten years old, it was now. Why couldn't he just be normal? Why did he have to make everything so much fucking worse for himself? What sort of person would do that to himself? That ten year old and him, they were one and the same. They were Regulus. Regulus was him. Alas, Regulus broke down crying.
D̶e̶i̶n̶ S̶c̶h̶w̶e̶i̶g̶e̶n̶ i̶s̶t̶ d̶e̶i̶n̶ Z̶e̶l̶t̶
D̶u̶ s̶t̶e̶l̶l̶s̶t̶ e̶s̶ m̶i̶t̶t̶e̶n̶ i̶n̶ d̶i̶e̶ W̶e̶l̶t̶
S̶p̶a̶n̶n̶s̶t̶ d̶i̶e̶ S̶c̶h̶n̶ür̶e̶ u̶n̶d̶ s̶t̶a̶u̶n̶s̶t̶ s̶t̶u̶m̶m̶ w̶e̶n̶n̶ N̶a̶c̶h̶t̶s̶ e̶i̶n̶ M̶äd̶c̶h̶e̶n̶ d̶r̶üb̶e̶r̶ f̶äl̶l̶t̶
Regulus woke up to someone shaking him and saying his name. Startled, Regulus shot up and was already reaching towards his wand, when he realised who woke him up. James Potter.
Z̶u̶ d̶e̶i̶n̶e̶n̶ F̶üs̶s̶e̶n̶ r̶e̶d̶ i̶c̶h̶ m̶i̶c̶h̶ u̶m̶ K̶o̶p̶f̶ u̶n̶d̶ K̶r̶a̶g̶e̶n̶
I̶c̶h̶ w̶i̶l̶l̶ i̶n̶ d̶e̶i̶n̶e̶ t̶i̶e̶f̶e̶n̶ W̶a̶s̶s̶e̶r̶ G̶r̶o̶ße̶ W̶e̶l̶l̶e̶n̶ s̶c̶h̶l̶a̶g̶e̶n̶
O̶h̶ b̶i̶t̶t̶e̶ g̶i̶b̶ m̶i̶r̶ n̶u̶r̶ e̶i̶n̶ W̶o̶r̶t̶
B̶i̶t̶t̶e̶ g̶i̶b̶ m̶i̶r̶ n̶u̶r̶ e̶i̶n̶ O̶h̶
B̶i̶t̶t̶e̶ g̶i̶b̶ m̶i̶r̶ n̶u̶r̶ e̶i̶n̶
B̶i̶t̶t̶e̶ b̶i̶t̶t̶e̶ g̶i̶b̶ m̶i̶r̶ n̶u̶r̶ e̶i̶n̶ W̶o̶r̶t̶