Regrets

It was beginning to feel the same as before.
Voldemort’s increasing power and influence was being felt everywhere, despite the Daily Prophet underreporting the increased number of disappearances, destruction of property, unexplained muggle deaths, incidences of house fires and bridge collapses.
Nobody knew who to trust any longer and some wizarding families opted to move abroad until this would ‘all blow over’, as they euphemistically called it.
For Snape there realistically would only be one way this could end, unless some miracle occurred.
Ever since Dumbledore revealed his plans for young Potter to him and his role in this, Snape had known that this war would not end well for him.
He had made his peace with this and he had only one big regret. Something he hoped he could still put right.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

‘Remus, could I have a word with you in private?’ Snape said rather more formally than he had intended.
Their Order meeting had just come to an end and he wanted to talk to Remus before he apparated to his next mission.
If Remus was surprised that Snape addressed him by his first name rather than the usual Lupin, he did not let on.
‘Sure, Severus, what’s on your mind?’
They stepped outside and made their way across to the small urban park in front of Grimmauld Place, where they could talk undisturbed.
Now that he had gotten Remus’ attention, Snape was all of a sudden unsure where to start.
He scraped his throat.
‘I just wanted to have a chat with you, just in case…’
Any other person would have asked, ‘just in case what?’, but Remus just waited patiently for Snape to continue.
It was one of the qualities Severus liked best in Remus, his never ending patience and compassion.
‘You probably know Dumbledore has a plan,’ Snape started and rolled his eyes to indicate what he thought of Big D’s plans.
‘That plan includes that cursed prophesy and also includes me doing something, at his request, that will put me in a very bad light with most of the wizarding world, but in very good standing with His Lordship and will firmly place me in his inner circle, where I can best serve the Order.
I want you to know that whatever happens, none of this is my idea and that no matter what others will say about me, I am still the person you met when we were in school, the person whose pregnant belly you touched, the person you swam with every day in the lake, unless there was a full moon.’
Snape paused and looked Remus in the eye, before continuing.
‘I know I pushed you away when we were younger. I was in a bad place and did not realise at that time that what we shared was special. I let my dislike of your friends cloud my judgement.
I only recently admitted to myself that in my life I have only truly liked two people: Lily Evans and you. I also realised recently that what I felt for Lily was a school boy crush, but that my feelings for you went much deeper. I know that this war is very likely going to end badly for me and I just want you to know that what you did for me back in school was the most decent thing anyone has ever done for me and that I appreciate it more than I can say, and ...’
Snape paused again.
‘…and I suppose what I am trying to say is that I love you and probably have loved you since then.’
There, he said it, Severus thought.

Remus was silent for quite some time and eventually replied softly.
‘Severus, I am glad you finally admitted your feelings. You know I cared for you in school and those days when you were pregnant with Marwood are some of my best memories, but a lot has happened since then. I am not the same person I was back then and, while I will always care for you, the way you care for Lily, my feelings for you are no longer the same.’
Snape turned away hurt, but before he could apparate Remus grabbed him by the wrist.
‘No matter what happens, I will always think the best of you, Severus, no matter what people say, because I know you have a good heart.’
Severus nodded silently, too choked up to speak.
Remus pulled him into a tight hug.
While not the outcome he had hoped for, Snape hugged him back with all his might, nearly crushing the much frailer man.
‘Take care, Remus, my Love’ he said, ‘Be Safe.’

THE END