Nobody Wants Me
The skirt fit him beautifully. It was long, and flowy, and despite how extremely nervous he was, he got joyful little thrills when he first put it on. He also wore his most muggly shirt, Andromeda had sent it to him, and his oldest shoes. He felt relieved, really, to give up the charade and have a plan to get out once and for all. Regulus was the best brother anyone had ever had.
The Notts and the Greengrasses, at least the immediate family members of Angelica and Silvia, were both over to ‘celebrate’ the engagements. It was supposed to be an exceptionally formal evening, with firewhiskey and polite greetings before a five course meal (Sirius had, to his horror, seen a tray of roasted bowtruckles being prepared) and dowry negotiations. Some families cemented their engagements with unbreakable vows, and Sirius was just hoping to Hell that Regulus wouldn’t have to. Could you even make two at once? Probably.
Sirius was already fifteen minutes late. He needed his parents agitated before he even saw them, although that was a terrifying idea, and making them wait would also give the opportunity for them to fully notice his clothes. With one last twirl in the mirror, which had been snarling insults at him since he first took off his robes, and a few deep breaths, he marched down the stairs.
The three families were standing around drinking, stiff and bored, in their parlor. Sirius took a moment to watch them, and appreciate how bloody ridiculous they were, before stomping down the last few stairs.
“Finally, Sirius. What was taking you-” His mother stopped abruptly as she saw him. Everyone turned, gaping (although Sirius could swear Regulus was trying not to smile and Silvia’s sister was quite blatantly looking him over a bit too hungrily) and silent. His mother was reaching for her wand, but his father put a firm hand on her wrist and laughed a very fake laugh.
“Boys do love their jokes. Put on your robes Sirius, and we can start this event before the sun comes up.” Orion demanded. It seemed like he was physically restraining his wife, and Sirius could have giggled if it weren’t for nerves.
“I’m happy with what I have on, thanks. Someone at school gave it all to me. She’s muggle-born and said it’s the height of fashion for muggle girls right now.” Sirius lied cheerfully. It was better to not have them wondering how he got it; they wouldn’t be happy Regulus was trying to keep secrets.
Even Orion was obviously straining himself to not let the madness show in front of their guests as he glared at Sirius. “Seeing as you’re neither muggle, nor a girl” he seethed, “perhaps you should change and let Kreacher properly dispose of those hideous clothes.”
Sirius frowned deeply and put on his whiniest aristocratic voice. “I’m only trying to look my best for my lovely betrothed. How do I look, Sil?”
Silvia scolwed at him like he’d just murdered her favorite pet kneazle, but beside her the younger Greengrass girl (Sapphire maybe?) was blushing a bit. “I think he looks rather nice.” She whispered, quite loudly, and earned a pinch from her sister. Sirius would need to remember to be nice to her at school.
“Thanks love.” He said, and with a lavish wink, left his family and went to wait in the dining room. They followed shortly after, obviously still fuming but apparently deciding to ignore it for the time being for the sake of propriety. He’d need to try harder.
There were several toasts to the engagements and the “preservation of magic”, during which Sirius snorted into his wine, earning yet another sneer from Silvia. Then, of course, the boasting started.
“Angelica’s been getting top marks in Charms at school. She’s shown such promise since she was just a tiny thing and floated her crib to the ceiling. My mother was the same way, such beautiful magic,” Mr. Nott was saying.
“Wasn’t she the one that got tired of her husband and just floated away forever? She’s always been a bit of a personal hero of mine.” Sirius interjected, thankful for once for his history lessons.
“Granny had a tragic accident!” Angelica protested.
“Of course she did, dear. Sirius, let’s not be rude.” Orion soothed. If he didn’t get out tonight, Sirius was pretty sure his father might actually kill him. Who would make sure Moony had a steady supply of chocolate? He needed to get out.
A soup with dubious looking meat appeared, and Sirius pushed it away slightly. For all he knew, it could be centaur. He took a large gulp of wine instead, deliberately spilling a bit on the tablecloth.
“What’s your favorite subject at Hogwarts, Sirius? People say you’re good at everything.” Sapphire Greengrass asked, leaning across her sister to stare at him.
Sirius gave her his biggest grin. She was a fucking saviour. “I wouldn’t say good at everything; I guess I do alright. I’m sure you’re much better. Muggle studies is my absolute favorite, but I definitely don’t get top marks. Bit disadvantaged you know, coming from a magical family and all that. But the professor says I’ve really been improving.” He gushed, not even needing to lie. Regulus was right, he made one Hell of a rubbish heir to the House of Black.
“Disadvantaged!” His mother hissed, her hand gripping his arm so tightly her nails went straight through the skin.
“You’re lucky to have been born into this much magic, boy. Your blood is anything but a dis-” One of the Notts was grumbling, but Sirius just laughed. How could they not hear how fucking stupid they sounded?
“A girl in my year’s muggleborn, and she’s probably ten times better at charms than Angelica claims to be. And one of my best friends is a halfblood, and he’s a fucking genius. Understands magic better than I ever could and comes up with new spells all on his own.” He bragged. Really, everyone should know how truly amazing they both were. Lily and Remus could even make light happen in their houses without any damn magic, and that was far more impressive. Blood meant nothing.
“Regulus has told us all about your little friends.” Walburga snapped, eyes icy. Sirius was amazed she was somewhat holding herself back still. “That halfblood Lupin boy is one of Xenophilius’ crowd, isn’t he Regulus?”
Regulus looked nervously at his mother before nodding and focusing very intently on eating his soup, controlled as ever.
“Perhaps he’s already infected you then, Sirius. That might explain the clothes.” Walbura sneered.
Sirius panicked, not even hearing anything past ‘infected’. Regulus had promised he wouldn’t tell anyone. Had his father seen it in his mind? He glanced at Regulus, who shook his head slightly and mouthed ‘not that.’
“It might be best to discuss this later, Walburga. We have guests.” Orion warned.
“Discuss what?” Sirius snapped. Out of the children, only Regulus and Silvia (who was far beyond childhood really) seemed to understand what was going on. Silvia looked like she’d eaten a vomit flavored bean.
Mr. Greengrass waved his hand. “Don’t mind us, Orion. It’s best to discourage this kind of thing early. I expect grandchildren, after all.” And he was laughing.
Sirius was so tired of it all. It was now or never. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re on about, but Remus certainly isn’t infected with anything, Xenophilius is a perfectly lovely lad” Regulus smiled at him while the parents weren’t looking, “and I’ve decided I’m certainly not going to be the one to contribute any more inbred little bigots to any of these damn families. And I’m definitely not marrying anyone either of you” he glared at his parents “would even remotely approve of.”
“Regulus.” His father whispered. “Escort our guests to the floo. Our deepest apologies, but we have family business to attend to.”
Regulus hurried out of his seat and, with a hand on Angelica’s back, shuffled them all out of the room. Sapphire grinned at Sirius as she went, and he blew her a kiss in response. Walburga dug her nails deeper into Sirius’ flesh as the others left.
“Resorting to muggle abuse methods Mother?” Sirius managed to sneer before his father waved his wand and Sirius found himself unable to move or speak. It had always been his absolute least favorite spell, his limbs screamed be free.
His mother growled, but removed her hand all the same. “You useless little freak.” She growled.
“Allow me to deal with this, Walburga. He needs to understand what he’s done wrong.” In that moment, Sirius was almost certain that his mother couldn’t decide between murdering him or his father. She stood glowering behind Orion instead.
“We have tried so hard with you Sirius. We have given you everything any child could ever want.” His father was muttering, flicking his wand for emphasise. Pain flashed just above Sirius’ eyebrow, and soon there was little bits of blood dripping into his eye. He hated how sticky it was.
“All we’ve ever asked for in return is that you take your position, which most people would kill for, seriously.” Sirius wanted to laugh so badly it hurt, although that could be another spell. He was also almost certain that at tons of points in their nefarious history, the Blacks had definitely murdered to gain their positions.
“And all you’ve ever done is waste the good fortune and blood you were born with. You use your magic for nothing but idiotic frovility.” More pain.
“You disgrace your name associating with muggles, and peasants, and all sorts of vile things I hesitate to even say out loud, for fear of contamination or degradation!” Pain in his damn blood. Was he dying?
“You’re a blight on this family.” His bones felt like they were splintering as his father slashed his wand again. He’d never heard him sound quite so harsh and utterly cold. They’d always been pretending.
“The only question is, is it worth trying to reform you, for the sake of avoiding scandal? Don’t be mistaken that it would be for anything more than that. Or, Sirius, should the blight finally be removed?” Sirius’ blood was literally boiling. His father was going to kill him. He was already fading.
“Well? What do you have to say for yourself?” Orion snapped, and Sirius blurrily realized he wasn’t frozen anymore.
He couldn’t die, as much as he wanted to stop the fire inside his veins. It wasn’t an option. Regulus would be disappointed in him. Remus would think he was so weak. He lifted his head as much as he could and looked over at his mother through his one open eye. He smiled at her.
“Do you really want me in this family Mummy? I’ll always be a blood traitor, and a freak, and the best fucking person this family has ever managed to produce.” He said.
His mother grasped her wand.
“That’s how I’ll be remembered. Everyone at school knows what I’m like.” He felt more blood running down his back.
“The Rowles, and the Greengrasses, the Notts, and any other damn Pureblood idiot I’ve ever met at a party knows. Reg knows. Dead, I’ll still be a beautiful stain on this disgusting family. A stain that you’ll shove into some hole and pretend didn’t exist, but everyone will know.” Sirius panted. Everything hurt.
“A stain that everyone will know you were too scared to deal with properly because you were too fucking worried about a little scandal. People will worry you’ve gone soft. Just killing me where no one can see? That’s so easy.” His vision was going dark, but he breathed as deeply as he could and tried to keep his head clear. His mother was snarling.
“If I’m dead, Mummy, you’ll always be the mother of a cross-dressing muggle lover. Always. So burn me off the fucking tree and show the world that you don’t associate with my kind. Unless, you know, you’re starting to come round to the good side.” He did his best to smirk through the haze, and then his mother was screaming.
Orion cursed as he was pushed aside, and Sirius’ mother was on him. Wand, nails, teeth, Sirius could hardly tell. There was pain, and blood, but he wasn’t being melted from the inside out anymore. The rest of it felt almost good.
“Walburga!” His father was yelling. It sounded far away.
“Burn him!” She screeched. Sirius smelled smoke and could just barely make out his father through the doorway, finally, finally reluctantly letting Sirius free. He still wanted to kill him, Sirius was sure of it, and Sirius still needed to get out.
And shit, there was smoke much closer. The smell of it was fogging his mind even more, and his thigh was fucking burning nearly as much as his insides had been, but he managed to roll over and did his best to pull off his clothes and snuff it out.
His mother had apparently let go of him, possibly to light the fire. She was screaming and screaming, but she wasn’t on top of him. She was letting him go, he realized. She didn’t want him anymore. No one ever wanted him.
He didn’t know if he crawled away or ran, but he made it into another room and another, away from both his parents. He could still hear them.
“Where is he?” His father demanded.
“Burning!” His mother cackled.
“Useless bitch!” More screeching and sounds of things smashing. Sirius was vaguely grateful it wasn’t his skull and felt his head just to be sure. It was bleeding and warm but definitely still solid and there.
He curled up on the floor, using his burned clothes as a soft pillow and nearly falling asleep to the beautifully soothing sounds of his parents trying to hurt each other instead of him.
There was a hand on his arm and he jerked away. He could still hear his parents yelling in another room, how could they have found him?
“Sirius, you need to get out of here.” A gentle voice.
Oh, it was just Regulus. He could stay if he wanted. Sirius had loved it when he came to snuggle in his bed as a baby.
“You need to go.” Regulus said. Sirius wanted to tell him to be quiet and go to sleep, but he didn’t want Regulus to get upset and leave.
“He’s going to kill you Sirius.” Regulus was shaking him and Sirius did his best to understand what he was saying. Who was going to kill him? Oh that was right, the yelling.
Sirius tried to sit up. Regulus was kneeling next to him; they were in the kitchen apparently. He really wanted to go to sleep. But he needed to be alive, even if he couldn’t remember why.
“How?” He croaked. His body wasn’t listening to him very well, and the door sounded like such a long way away.
“Kreacher!” Regulus called quietly, and the house elf appeared with a ‘crack’, holding a bag and what looked a lot like Sirius’ wand. Kreacher threw both things at him, which Sirius struggled to pick up. Regulus took the burned clothes, Sirius mourned the loss of his pillow, and stuffed them into the bag.
Then he squeezed Sirius’ shoulder, which felt warm and painful all at once. “Don’t tell me where you’re going, just Kreacher. Be good, Sirius.” He whispered and left Sirius truly, truly alone. Sirius couldn’t count Kreacher.
“Where?” The house elf demanded, glowering.
“Potter Manor.” Sirius managed to plead. Remus couldn’t see him this way. Peter never crossed his mind.
Sirius hoped with all the energy he had left that it was the last time he ever had to see Grimmauld Place.