Marlene was going to kill Sirius Black.
It was decided. There was no going back. She would do it without remorse, no second thoughts. Marlene could almost savor it, see Black’s expression of surprise and terror as she ambushes him.
And, honestly, no one could blame her. Never. Because he knew exactly what they were doing the second he left the common room, a mischievous smile in their face. There was no one else besides her and Dorcas, now, and suddenly Marlene felt very aware of her limbs and her hair, of the way the crimson of the cushions made her already pale complexion even paler. It wasn’t fair, the way her roommate made her feel, so nervous and awkward, even when they weren’t looking at her. Especially when they weren’t looking at her, given that Marlene never seemed to take her eyes off them.
Look at me, Marlene wanted to scream sometimes. You’re all I see, why can’t you do the same for me?
“You’re staring,” Dorcas said suddenly, making Marlene jump in her own seat. They were reading a book by the fireplace, their dark face reflecting the warmth of the fire like copper under the sun.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful—do I look pretty enough?
Marlene gulped, her eyes wandering all over the room, from the Christmas decorations to the chatting portraits, trying to find an excuse. “Uhm,” she said after a few seconds. Dorcas lifted their gaze from the pages to meet her eyes, melted chocolate coloring their iris. Marlene wanted to drown in them. “You have something in your face.”
Yes, fuck Sirius Black for leaving them alone.
“Oh,” Dorcas said, brows frowned. They touched their face, fingers moving through lips, tear ducts, and red-stained cheeks, and looked at their fingertips after, searching for whatever the blonde had referred to. Marlene watched every move, warmth spreading through her chest. “Is it gone?”
She nodded, mute, and Dorcas gave her a smile before standing up from the floor. “Scoot over,” they asked, book tucked under their arm. Marlene did as she was told, and Dorcas sat beside her, hips and arms touching. Skin on skin and warm layers in between them.
“Where did Sirius go?” Dorcas asked while trying to get comfortable in the chair. It was designed for only one person to seat, but Marlene wasn’t going to say anything about it, not when Dorcas was so close to her, intoxicating her every sense, like sunlight after a dark night or the first sips of firewhiskey burning her throat. “I thought he was going to spend Christmas here with us since James and his folks are away visiting some relatives.”
“Oh, there was a change of plans, I suppose. Apparently, Remus isn’t feeling very well, so they and Pete will go visit him for a couple of days.”
“And Dumbledore let them?” they asked.
Marlene wanted to scream. Dorcas was asking the same questions she asked Sirius when he first told her, with a wink, that they would be leaving the castle for a couple of days. She hated him for leaving her alone with Dorcas, well knowing how much of a fool and a mess she’s around them. She loved him a little, too.
“Honestly,” Marlene sighed, letting it go, “I’m more surprised about Professor McGonagall having no problem with it.”
“Well, she’s always had a soft spot for Sirius. For Remus, too, I suppose.” Then, after a beat, Dorcas pouted, “poor Remus. Do you think we should send him a get-well-soon card?”
“Yeah, I think that’d be nice,” she smiled. “Maybe we could send it with our presents, hm? I don’t know how gifts delivery works in this place, but mine were still under my bed after lunch!”
Dorcas laughed, young and beautiful and free. Merlin, Marlene wanted to kiss the dimple on their face.
“I know, I saw you checking,” Dorcas said, biting the inside of their cheek.
Marlene’s ears went red. “Were you spying on me, Meadows!?”
“What can I say, McKinnon? I can’t seem to take my eyes off you.”
Marlene was going to have a stroke.
“C’mon,” Dorcas laughed again. “Let’s go write that letter.”
They intertwined their fingers with hers, and with a push, Dorcas stood both of them up. Marlene was taller, three inches or so, so when they both locked eyes, she had to take a step back. There was a glint in Dorcas’s eyes, almost hidden by a strand of hair, and they were looking at Marlene behind eyelashes. It made her throat go dry like she’d spent a century without water and Dorcas was a sea overflowing.
“After you.”
Dorcas was sipping hot cocoa with their feet on Marlene’s lap that night, soft music playing in the background.
It was ten to midnight, almost Christmas, and Marlene’s head was fuzzy with firewhiskey. She and Dorcas had found one bottle stashed in Mary’s stuff, along with funny-looking hats and rainbow-colored scarves. They were wearing them, Marlene’s reading glass askew on top of her nose, and the smell of nail polish taking over one of Dorcas’s shampoo.
“If you could wish for anything, anything at all, what would you wish for?” Dorcas asked, words rolling off their tongue lazily. Their eyes were big under the darkness of the room, and the Christmas lights, blinking over their heads, were mirrored on their own darkness.
You, Marlene almost said. You and only you.
“To stay here for all eternity,” it was close enough to the truth.
“In Hogwarts?”
Marlene shook her head. “In this room. With you,” maybe it was the firewhiskey talking, but it felt nice to stay it out loud for the first time. It wasn’t a confession, not really, although it felt like one.
Dorcas smiled. It seemed easy on their mouth, like something that came naturally and without much thought, as if the world deserved to see it. As if Marlene deserved to see it.
“Me too,” Dorcas agreed. They closed their eyes and sighed. “You feel safe.”
Safe.
And then she remembered Dorcas’s parents, one muggleborn and the other halfblood. Magic running through their veins, same as their crimson blood—the one that was spilled months ago in one of London’s streets, leaving Dorcas a sobbing mess with a dead father and a hospitalized mother.
Marlene could cry.
To be considered safe, in times and in a world like this, might be the biggest compliment she’d ever received. It made her want to tear her skin apart and kiss Dorcas until they—until they knew that they were safe. That as long as Marlene breathed and lived and fucking existed somewhere in this godforsaken world, where people are dying and missing, where blood is being poured down the streets, Dorcas would be safe. Marlene would never let anyone put a single finger on their head or take one of the curls of their hair unless to be cherished, that was a promise.
So she crawled slowly from her side to the bed to Dorcas’s, leaving their feet on top of the blankets. Dorcas, seeing her move, put the cup of hot cocoa aside and opened their arms. Marlene fell into them, hid her face in the crook of their neck, and kissed there. Soft, lovely, because this was all she could give to Dorcas, a place in her heart if not spoken out loud.
“You’re safe,” she whispered over Dorcas’s skin. Their arms tightened around her shoulders. “I’ll keep you safe.”
“I love you,” Dorcas whispered. It wasn’t the first time they said it, but it hurt just the same.
Marlene laughed, her throat tight and tears begging to be poured. “Bloody Christmas.”
“Bloody firewhiskey,” Dorcas corrected her, another laugh escaping like a breath. Marlene could feel their chest rise and fall under her stomach.
“Yes, maybe that was a bad idea.”
“Nah,” Dorcas tsked their tongue. “It’s Christmas and we’re spending it here, of all places. We bloody deserved to get drunk.”
“Damn right we did!” Marlene nuzzled closer to Dorcas, making them a mess of limbs, hair, and giggles. “What time is it?”
“Don’t care.”
“It could be Christmas!”
Dorcas kissed the top of Marlene’s head. “It isn’t. The presents aren’t here yet. If it was Christmas, the presents would be here already.”
“You and your bloody presents.”
“I made a bet with Lils,” Dorcas explained, “on who would give the best presents to the other. She will win, of course. This is just a way to assure good presents for me.”
She rolled her eyes. “What did you get her?”
Marlene could feel Dorcas’s smile grow, mischievous. “An album full of pictures of her staring at James.”
Marlene got up in an instant, her arms on each side of Dorcas' head, golden hair framing their dark face.
“No!”
Dorcas grinned proudly. “And I sent James a copy of it.”
“You’re insane! She’s going to kill you!”
“Nah, it’ll be alright. It’s going to be fun when she finally gets out of her denial. Besides, I got her a bunch of other stuff, too.”
Marlene laughed, ridiculously loud, so in love with Dorcas that she could almost ignore the way their chests touched.
“I love you, too, y’know?” she confessed out of breath, hoping that her heartbeat wasn't too loud and that Dorcas would take it as the platonic sentiment Marlene's I love you's were never going to be.
Dorcas’s face lighted up. “And here I was thinking you wouldn’t say it back. I was this,” they put their thumb and index together, leaving near to nothing of space between them, “close to starting sobbing. Me saying I love you and you not corresponding, imagine that! What a horrid way to start the holidays, hm?”
“Urgh,” Marlene groaned. Dorcas lifted their head, bumping their noses together.
“You’re cute.”
“‘M not,” her voice was high, nervous. Marlene pretended not to feel that way. “I’m vicious and scary. Grr.”
Dorcas shook their head, eyes glowing. "Cute."
“Stop before I kiss you,” she said without thinking, and all pretenses fell. Marlene’s laugh drowned somewhere between the verses of a song she didn’t know, and terror grew on her stomach.
But then Dorcas's fingers were putting a strand of golden hair over her ear, soft and sweet as honey. "I would let you."
“Stop joking.” Marlene could sob. She could roll out of Dorcas’s bed and hide under the covers of hers, Christmas lights and presents be damned. She could cry herself to sleep and never wake up again.
She could fly, too… maybe, if she let herself.
“I’m not,” seriousness was a funny thing on Dorcas’s face, so out of place.
“Very funny.” It wasn’t funny at all.
“Marls. I would let you.”
“Why?” Marlene’s voice was broken, scared to believe.
“Isn’t it obvious?”
No, it wasn’t. If it was, then Marlene would have combusted long ago.
Dorcas lifted up; forearms pressed against the bed. Marlene moved back a little, not missing the way Dorcas’s eyes followed her movements.
See me, she had begged. Maybe, under the Christmas lights, Dorcas finally listened. Maybe they had been listening all along.
“Do you want me to kiss you, Marlene?.” She froze.
“I…”
Suddenly, the sound of a pop cut through the music and their breaths, and Marlene’s eyes jumped to where the sound came from for a second, relieved by the distraction.
“The presents are here,” she breathed. Dorcas touched her face, their knuckles caressing her skin. Their eyes were shining.
“Marls,” Dorcas said, voice strong, almost begging. Their lips almost touched hers.
If she moved, everything could disappear. Marlene was sure that she’d wake on the other side of the room, Dorcas asleep and a hundred miles away. But she nodded, and then Dorcas bumped their nose against hers again, foreheads touching. “Merry Christmas, love,” she said. Then they pressed their lips against Marlene’s.
Melting, she smiled into the kiss.
Huh, maybe she should thank Sirius, after all.