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James took a deep breath and couldn’t help the smile that formed in his lips. The sun was finally setting down, engulfed by the lake, turning its water a beautiful shade of orange. A cold breeze ruffled his hair and he took another deep breath, feeling the wet grass between his fingers. He closed his eyes as Children Of The Revolution by T. Rex played on the wireless radio.

When he opened them again, he watched Peter with a fond smile. He was drawing the whomping willow on a spare piece of parchment. He had always been the most artistic of them all, and James still kept in a box all the little drawings he had gifted him over the years. Even the ones he used to draw in History of Magic, when he was bored and wasn’t paying attention to what Professor Binns was saying. Years later, when in hiding, James would spend a lot of time going through them, smiling sadly and longing to be reunited with his best friends soon.

Lying on the ground was Remus, with his arms folded behind his head, his chest going up and down peacefully. His cane was resting on the trunk of a tree. He had only recently started using it after the full moons and, in the first week, James had already carved little doodles all over it. The freckled boy’s eyes were closed but, when he thought nobody was watching, he would open them and they would find their way to Sirius.

Sirius’s boots were by the shore. He had rolled his trousers up his knees and his bare feet were submerged in the cool, cristaline water. He would look over his shoulder every once in a while, and for a second, his eyes would focus on Remus, a soft smile appearing on his lips, before turning his gaze back to the horizon once more. 

It was in those rare moments, however, the ones they’d cherish forever, when their eyes met in the middle of that push and pull, that Remus’s lips would quirk upwards in a sly smile and Sirius’s cheeks would taint pink. And then Sirius would look away and Remus would close his eyes, but neither the smirk, nor the blush, would leave their faces.

And then there was Lily. Lovely Lily Evans whose hair put the sunset to shame. She was looking at him with that beautiful smile of hers, the one her green eyes were always participant of. And what a beautiful shade of green they were, his favourite colour ever, if you asked James.

Only a few hours before, she had finally let him give her a ride on his broom around the school grounds. James could still feel the air filling his lungs as they flew over the castle, Lily’s arms tightly wrapped around his torso. He was snapped out of his trance when the girl leaned in and kissed him, her lips still tasting of the strawberries they had all been eating just a few minutes before. They pulled apart and James smiled, brushing a strand of hair from her face gently.

Lily rested her head on his shoulder and let out an elated sigh, enjoying the view. They had been avoiding talking about leaving Hogwarts for the great part of the last four months. It seemed like it was only yesterday when they were entering the Great Hall for the first time, waiting to be sorted. Time had gone by so fast and so many things had happened. But James was excited. After all, whatever happened next, they’d all be together. He kissed the top of Lily’s head before resting his own head on it,

“Maybe this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me” he said, truthfully.

***

Lily made her way to the ground floor, speeding through the crowd of people and sparing a smile for dear old Agnes when she passed the Janus Thickey Ward. Remus was waiting for her sitting on one of the chairs in the reception room, reading a worn out book. She approached him and he smiled when he saw her, using his cane to help himself up. He looked more tired than ever.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“Knackered” Lily sighed and Remus chuckled. “You?”

“Can’t say I’m much better,” he admitted, his gaze traveling to his sore hip. “When’s your next break?”

“Right now” Lily smiled. “Fancy a cuppa?”

“Please.”

They made their way out of the hospital building and into the chilly London streets. Lily blew on her hands to warm them up as they walked to the nearest café. It was a tiny, homey place just a few streets from St Mungo’s. They sat at one table by a large window.

“How’s work then?” Remus asked. 

“Good, can’t wait to finish my training already.” Their drinks arrived and they thanked the waitress. “How about you, found anything you like yet?”

“Nah. It’s a bit difficult given… my condition” he smirked at that.

“You were always a great teacher,” Lily commented, taking a sip of her drink. “If it weren’t for you, I don’t think I would have gotten past an Acceptable in Care for Magical Creatures in my OWLs. Have you ever considered that?”

“Me? A teacher?” Remus laughed, as if the possibility amused him. “I don’t think I’d be any good at it” he waved his hand, as if dismissing the thought, but he adopted a pensive expression for a few seconds before giving it up completely. “And James?” he finally asked.

“Hmm?” 

“Is he thinking about getting a job?”

“Oh, no” Lily shook her head. “You know him, he wants to be a quidditch player. He’s still receiving letters from some teams asking him to try out, actually! But right now he wants to focus on the order… Maybe when this war is finally over…” but she never finished her sentence, letting it die in her throat like an omen.

“I can’t wait for that to happen” Remus muttered under his breath.

“I- It’s just that-” Lily sighed in frustration. “I wish I could go back to when this all seemed perfect.”

They fell silent. It wasn’t precisely uncomfortable, they had always enjoyed each other’s company, but the horrors of war were already taking their toll on them. Lily finished her drink and smiled once more. Tireless Lily.

“On a cheerier note” she started. “I can’t wait for you all to come over for Christmas. I feel like I haven’t seen Mary in ages.” Remus smiled as well, the tension from minutes before dissipating in the air. “And…” Lily continued, her smile softening but never leaving her lips. “We have some news to announce.”

Remus arched his eyebrow, taking another sip of his tea. “News? What news?” 

“Good ones.” Lily grinned smugly, mimicking him and raising an eyebrow as well. She met his gaze. Guess, clever boy. She thought. Remus’s jaw dropped as realization hit and the corner of her mouth quivered upwards.

“No” he muttered in disbelief

“Yes”

“No!”

“Yes!” Lily laughed.

Remus stood up suddenly and Lily did the same. He reached his friend, supporting himself with the table, and hugged her tightly,

“Merlin’s sake, Lils!” Lily heard the smile in his voice. “This is amazing, oh my! Congratulations!”

“Thank you” Lily smiled bashfully once they pulled apart. “James told Sirius yesterday and I couldn’t wait to be the one to tell you.”

“Sirius, the bastard!” Remus exclaimed, his smile never leaving his lips. “That’s why he was all over the moon yesterday, he wouldn’t say a thing.”

“And you do the same and wait until Christmas!” Lily warned playfully. “I want it to be a surprise.”

“That’s so amazing, Lily,” Remus repeated, still in bliss. His gaze traveled to Lily’s belly, as if waiting for it to get bigger now the secret was out. Lily laughed,

“I’m only two months pregnant, Remus.”

“Right, yeah” he nodded, meeting her eyes again. “That baby is going to be the most loved kid in the world. He’ll be the happiest kid ever.”

“I’m not so sure about that, James is determined to call him Godric if he’s a boy.”

Remus grimaced and Lily laughed.

***

“You’re being ridiculous” Remus spat.

“Oh, am I now?” Sirius crossed his arms over his chest, defensively.

“Yes, you are.”

“Fine then.”

“Fine.”

But it wasn’t fine.

“What’s been going on with you lately?” Remus asked, rubbing his eyes. He was way too tired to be having this conversation now. He had to go north in under an hour to try to convert the werewolves to their side, business for the order. But he didn’t want to have an argument, he didn’t want to leave like this. However, it seemed this was the only thing they did these days. 

“There’s nothing going on with me” Sirius bore his eyes on his, as if seeking for something, trying to find something he couldn’t yet see but he was certain was there. He must have given up on his search because he looked down. “Look, I don’t want to fight” he muttered, and he sounded just as tired as Remus felt.

Remus sighed and made his way to him. At first he feared Sirius would avoid his touch, but when he reached for his hand, Sirius let him grab it and Remus squeezed it. Sirius squeezed back, a shy -and almost sad- smile on his lips. “I don’t want to fight either,” he whispered. Their eyes met and Remus could discern a hopeful glint in Sirius’s blue ones. 

He cupped his cheek and kissed him softly. It was only then he realized they hadn’t kissed in forever. What had happened to them? They used to do it all the time, almost by instinct. They had always been drawn to each other like magnets. But now Remus was going north, and Merlin knew if Sirius was staying south.

They pressed their foreheads together, sharing a moment of peace. They were scarce, these days. But then, the spell broke.

“I have to go,” Remus whispered.

Sirius stiffened against him and pulled apart, staring at him coldly. And the space between them had never been so apparent. As if an invisible barrier had settled between them, not allowing them to meet, to reach for each other, to find some middle ground.

“Where are you going?” Sirius asked.

“I can’t disclose the location” Remus tried to stay calm, “Moody’s orders.” Sirius scoffed bitterly at this, mumbling something that sounded like Of fucking course.

“When are you going to be back, then?” 

That question took Remus by surprise. It had been four months since either of them had asked that question before going on a mission. However, he couldn’t find a trace of longing in Sirius’s tone, like there had been on all the previous occasions. Instead, he could clearly make out the annoyance in his voice, as if he didn’t really want him back. He knew he wasn’t being sensible, but it rubbed him off the wrong way.

“I don’t know yet” he hissed between gritted teeth, irritated.

“Of course you don’t” Sirius rolled his eyes. And this time it was mean, and it stung like a dagger to Remus’s heart.

“Now what the fuck is your problem?!” Remus lost his temper. And that was everything the bomb needed to explode. 

“You used to tell me everything!” Sirius yelled, and Remus could sense the pain in his voice too. They were both hurting, two kids agonizing in a war they had been thrown into with false promises of hope. “You don’t talk to me anymore! James, Lily and Harry are all in hiding, I’m scared shitless anything bad is going to happen to them and-”

“You don’t think I’m scared?!” Remus protested. “You don’t think I worry about them every single fucking day?!”

“Sometimes it doesn’t seem like it!” Sirius snarled.

“Oh, fuck you Black!” he spat, taking his bag and hanging it from his shoulder, making his way to the front door.

“Are you leaving like this?” Sirius asked, following him.

“What do you want me to do, Sirius?” Remus turned to look at him, exasperated, with his hand on the doorknob. 

“Talk to me!” Sirius begged. “Please, just talk to me, Remus. That’s all I need” his eyes flooded with tears and he raised a hesitant hand to stroke Remus’s cheek, softly furrowing the scar that crossed his face with his thumb. “Please, Moony.”

Remus closed his eyes, letting tears fall down his cheeks as well, allowing that last caress to be the thing he parted with,

“You know I can’t.”

Sirius’s hand dropped and Remus thought he could hear the boy’s heart break into a million pieces. Sirius’s blue eyes were still fixed on his, wide open in an expression of terror. His lips trembled, as if he was searching for the words, an explanation. Something.

“I don’t know you anymore” he managed, with a string of voice.

And that’s when Remus felt his own heart break. He felt as if his lungs had closed off, preventing air from entering them. He had forgotten how to breathe. He was suffocating. 

No other word was said. Remus opened  the door and exited the place he had learnt to call home, leaving the only boy he’d ever loved behind.

***

He spent most of the time being a dog now. It helped deal with everything when it got bad, which was pretty much always. He kept trying to tell himself he was free now, everything was over and things would be settled soon. He’d get custody of Harry and they would live together. He’d sell Grimmauld Place and would buy a tiny house by the beach so they could forget about everything under the gleaming sun, with the sand running between their toes and the humming of the sea lulling them to sleep every night. Who knew? Maybe they could even move to Wales, to be near Remus.

Remus. He hadn’t seen him since the last moon. Their relationship was civil, now. They were nowhere near where they had once been, but considering everything that had happened, when Sirius was feeling optimistic, he would say they weren’t doing bad at all.

He had spent every single full moon with him after their reunion in the Shrieking Shack. He knew it was risky, Remus himself wouldn’t stop warning him about it, but at the end of the day they both had missed twelve years of it and, to be fair, the Wolf and the Dog were on much better terms than Remus and Sirius. It was on those nights, under the influence of the moon and hidden in their disguises, when wild magic took over them, that they were themselves. Their old selves. It was on those nights that they were the kids they were never allowed to be.

Today was Christmas Eve. Sirius was already worried enough about Harry, who was spending the holidays in Hogwarts since the Yule Ball was taking place. And he felt lonely. So, before he could think better of it, he apparated in Wales.

He pushed aside all the thoughts that were telling him Remus may have plans already, maybe even a date, and before he could even process them, he was knocking at the door. Always finding his way to Remus Lupin’s door.

His old friend opened up with a confused expression, which turned to surprise the moment he registered who was at his entrance. 

“Sirius,” he said.

“Hi,” Sirius replied, shyly. And for a second, only a second, he felt like he was fifteen all over again, standing in front of that beautiful boy who had owned his soul for as long as he was conscious he had one. 

“Hi.”

“It’s Christmas Eve” Sirius said, as if that answered every question Remus hadn’t asked.

“Oh” 

“I- Well, I didn’t know if you had plans” Sirius stammered, starting to regret having come. “So I thought… maybe… if you haven’t… and it’s totally fine if you do… or if you don’t want to!” he added quickly, trying to ignore Remus’s bemused expression. “Maybe we could spend it together?”

He cursed at himself for phrasing that last sentence as a question, but Remus smiled and stepped aside,

“I’d love to.”

And Sirius beamed at him, finding some warmth in the feeling, as well as a nostalgic hint of pain.

They had pizza for dinner, because apparently Remus didn’t care much about Christmas anymore and neither of them were great cooks, exactly. To Sirius, it tasted like the best meal he’d ever had. At some point of the night, Remus opened a fire whiskey bottle and poured two glasses, which had to be refilled shortly after, and, by the time they wanted to realise, words flew between them, as they reminisced.

“Oh, and when Marlene found out you had been the ones to turn all her robes purple!” Remus said with a smile, making Sirius erupt into laughter. “I thought she was going to kill the both of you, hadn’t it been for Dorcas holding her back” he hiccuped, causing Sirius to giggle. The sight of Sirius Black giggling was so bizarre to Remus that he couldn’t keep his own laughter in, making Sirius laugh even harder. It was such a beautiful sound he had forgotten about, though he’d missed it every single day at the same time.

“We thought so too” Sirius sighed, the smile turning sad. “I miss her. Marls was great. I wish I had told her more.”

“She knew” Remus assured him, a smile twinning Sirius’s on his own lips.

“How’s Mary, by the way?” asked Sirius.

“Oh, she moved back to Manchester. I don’t really keep contact with her anymore…” Remus answered, sadly. Sirius nodded. The room fell quiet.

“It angers me so much. Everything” he confided. Remus seemed alarmed for a second that the conversation was taking this turn, but then let himself flop on the couch and rubbed his eyes.

“It angers me too.”

“Lily and James-” Sirius began, his voice trembling, eyes prickling with tears.

“Sirius-”

“James was going to be a quidditch player, for fuck’s sake!” he exploded. “And Lily had just become a healer. They had everything! Everything in the palm of their hands and then-”

And then Sirius was sobbing. He felt a hand reach for him, rubbing his back, and then heard a low fuck it before Remus embraced him. And they cried in each other’s arms. Because they had so much love inside them, still. So much residual love they had locked inside, being too afraid of it, because it hurt so fucking much. Neither of them knew how long they stayed like that, but they ended up cuddling on Remus’s old couch. The record Remus had put on, on its last song.

“I wished every day to hold you once more” Sirius confessed. 

He felt Remus kissing the top of his head and then he said those words, those three magical words,

“I love you.”

And of course, Sirius had to say it back, 

“I love you.”

The clock struck midnight and they turned their heads to look at each other. There was still a long way for them, but for now, this was all they needed.

“Merry Christmas, Padfoot.”

“Merry Christmas, Moony.”