Rock 'n' Roll Suicide
The second time they almost kissed, the waxing moon had been mocking him through the dormitory windows all night. His skin prickled wherever the faint light eavesdropped through his bed curtains and painted it a silvery colour, and a surge of energy flooded him whenever he tried to clear his mind enough to fall asleep, all due to a wolf running indomitably beneath his skin awoken from its slumber by the moon’s gravitational pull like an ocean tide.
Remus was considering ramming his head against the wall at full speed to knock himself out for a couple of hours, but was keeping himself from doing it only because the wolf would probably scratch the resulting bump off his head raw (he could do without the unnecessary further scarring), plus, he knew it would worry Sirius when he saw it.
Sirius, shit.
The incredibly bland dorm ceiling, visible through the frame of his four poster, wasn’t offering much distraction in meandering his brain away from dissecting every single interaction he had had with Sirius Orion Black in the past month and three days since whatever The Fuck Had Happened that day at the Potter manor. He had noticed the smallest and stupidest of things changing, like how Sirius would search his face excruciatingly whenever he smiled at him, as though trying to see ulterior meanings behind every single quirk of his lips and decipher the reasoning behind all of them, or how he had begun foreseeing every time Remus reached out to press cold fingers on his neck and snap him out of whatever daydream he was pulled into every single time at class, - which made him a specially shitty History of Magic partner- instead catching his hand and holding it for a few seconds before dropping it back onto the table and winking at him, somehow conveying the message “I am paying a lot of attention, Lupin” in a very suggestive tone without even muttering a single syllable (and also effectively distracting Remus, which just made him an even shittier History of Magic partner).
Nothing much had happened though, not something as monumental as that summer afternoon, and Remus had been mostly successful at keeping the disappointment and pointlessly thorough over-thinking at bay, that was, when he got lucky enough to sleep a decent amount of hours. That night, his luck had been snatched away by a pale, round, annoying asshole.
He shifted in bed, rolling on his right leg to lay sprawled on his belly in a fruitless attempt at alleviating some of the pain that had begun to gather on his lower back. His left foot itched, and the leg he had tangled over the covers was freezing, but the rest of his body had reached a feverish heat, and really it was all pointless at this point. He eyed the alarm clock on James’ bedside table; 2:11, then the wall; It would only take a precisely good blow for a good five hours of sleep.
Pointless, all of it .
His back bones crackled loudly as he sat on the edge of the bed, the sound reminiscent of dry leaves being crunched to dust by oblivious feet. It wouldn’t have been this bad at home, his mum’s heating pad usually helped, but it was electric, and Hogwarts’ impeccably flat walls seemed to wear a big “good fucking luck trying to plug your muggle shit here” sign on them.
Tough luck Remus, you can wallow in self-pity some other time.
He snatched his fags and his wand from the bedside table and stifled a groan as he got up, he put on one of his jumpers and grabbed a second one just in case as he made his way to the dorm window, then used a bureau as a stepping stool to prop himself up on the sill. He pressed the lock down and pushed the glass open, allowing for one of his legs to dangle over the tiles of the gable roof. The night was cold, and the frigid breeze prickled his cheeks with tiny needles, but at least that way his limbs became too numb to feel all of the pain, and the moonlight didn’t seem as annoying when it covered his entire body instead of focusing on some unlucky part of it. It wasn’t comfortable, but at least it was bearable.
He lit a cigarette with the tip of his wand and watched the forest through the windows, the wind ruffled the tree tops and blew browning leaves up and down in a lazy dance, the stars barely covered by scattered clouds, and the moon above it all, almost full, bathing the landscape in tones of silver with a light so bright it was as if she were proud of everything that laid beneath her. It all seemed so peaceful from far away, like nothing was really alive inside of it. A mass of wilderness so distant, and huge, and quiet, you could mistake it for a Baroque painting, and no-one would ever believe you if you told them that that place became haunted by an insatiable creature every month. He felt a bit bad for ruining it.
A sharp gasp behind him startled him out of his thoughts, and his cigarette out of the window.
In the bed across from his, Sirius wrestled with the covers as he scratched at his neck and took shallow breaths. Remus drew back from the ledge carefully, and was about to jump to the floor to wake him from the nightmare when Sirius himself beat him to it.
“Stop it, please ”, he breathed, then sat up startled, chest heaving, black hair ruffled, and forehead shining with sweat and moonlight. Remus paused, unsure on what to do next in fear of scaring him further, then Sirius looked around and his eyes, which looked frantic and a thousand days away from the room, landed on him, he shut them tight, and then opened them again. Remus could tell the exact millisecond he realized it had been a nightmare, that he was safe, that far-off stare anchoring itself to the present, to him. Sirius let out a shaky breath, and both their bodies sagged in relief.
Remus took the spare sweater he had been using as a cushion and held it out to him in a silent offer, after a few moments of only breathing, Sirius smiled- shy and quietly, which was so unusual yet beautiful on him that it made Remus’ stomach drop in a downwards spiral then fly back to its place from simply being there to see it- and walked over to him, taking the jumper along with the invitation as he hauled himself over the bureau and climbed to the window.
Sirius put the sweater on, Remus placed a new cigarette on his lips, lit it, then handed it to him and lit himself another one- trying not to think much about the way Sirius followed the movement with his eyes and placed the fag between his lips almost reverently, like it was a million galleon piece of chocolate instead of a stick of paper and tobacco, nor about how much he was staring at Sirius’ lips as he did that, or how his stomach churned at the sight. They allowed for the silence to settle between them as they smoked, feet and knees bumping where they met at the middle of the ledge, Remus looked down at the forest again, he didn’t dare look at Sirius’ face, not with the moonlight shining on them like this, he feared the possibility of his gaze sticking to him forever if he did so.
“Is she being a bitch?” Sirius said voice hoarse with sleep, nightmares and smoke.
“A proper shitty one”, Remus replied. “Was she being a bitch?”
Walburga Black’s name was implied.
Sirius sighed, “She always is”, he said.
Remus knew the answer he would get, but he asked anyway, so Sirius would know he was there, that he would be glad to serve as an anchor again if he needed one, “Want to talk about it?”
“Not really, not tonight”
“Okay”
A beat of silence, two clouds of smoke, then “Moony?”
Remus dragged his eyes away from the forest, forcing himself to look at Sirius, the light made him look even paler, his straight, downturned nose and prominent cheekbones casted sharp dark shadows on his face and his gray eyes looked almost transparent. He was a dream in monochrome; Remus almost looked away.
“Hm?” he said. Sirius met his gaze, glanced at the moon, and then looked at him again.
“Do you ever feel like you miss something you never even remember having?”
Remus had to stifle a smile, even if seeing him like this broke his heart, he felt somewhat relieved. Sometimes, being in love with Sirius Black felt a little like being in love with a star. He shone too bright, and made you feel like you’d be dead before you saw his light flail; He was unwavering and mesmerizing and felt untouchable. For all the horrible decisions the Blacks had had when it came to him, his name was a clear exception, it fit him perfectly. But, when Sirius talked , when he let time wash over him and didn’t try to keep up with it, when he didn’t laugh for the entirety of the common room to hear, when the clothes he was wearing were too big on him and the right part of his hair stuck out knotted in twenty different angles, being in love with Sirius Black felt like being in love with a living, breathing, human boy. Flesh and bones, sadness and happiness. Heart and brain and liver and kidneys. Remus liked it all much better then, an entire atmosphere and millions of light years away was too far, a small window ledge and a couple of centimeters between them was closer, it was real.
“All the time”, he replied, “when I was little, the year after I was turned I think, mum would cry almost every night, and on every full moon, and I used to wish it all to go back to how it was before, if only to make her feel better” Remus sighed, Sirius was looking at him with his head tilted backwards and resting on the wall, his eyebrows scrunched upwards with worry, but his eyes fixated on him, confident and proud. “It didn’t work, of course, but then one day mum heard, and she came into my room, crying, she hugged me and told me that she was done being stuck in the past, that it would be hard on her, that she couldn’t promise not to cry anymore, but that time wouldn’t stop for neither of us and we would have to change with it, along with our circumstances, and then we would have things to look forward to, rather than look back on. Mind you, I was like seven years old so I couldn’t understand shite, but the words stuck, and sometimes they help.” He shrugged, Sirius moved, his back now facing the room and both his feet brushing the roof tiles. Remus mirrored him, and then bumped his shoulder onto his. “Memories are important, but you can’t allow yourself to get stuck, think of all of the cool shit you could be doing instead.”
Sirius laughed a sad, quiet chuckle, and turned his face to look at him.
“You’re like, a wise old man stuck in the body of a cute sixteen year old, Lupin”, he said.
“Nah, I just read too much,'' he replied.
Sirius laughed again, shaking his head.
“Just take the compliment and go”
“Why thank you good sir, I am indeed so very wise and old-“
“And cute”
“-and cute, apparently, I feel properly flattered, better?”
“Much”, Sirius said, then let his head fall on Remus’ shoulder.
A chill ran down the back of his neck, he wasn’t cold.
“It’s just- everything- all of it- it would have been so much easier”, Sirius sighed, “If I weren’t so different, If they weren’t so stubborn and stuck in their ways, If the family would actually be more important than the surname”
Remus’ heart sank a little, the sight of a vulnerable Sirius too real and too unusual for him to wrap his mind around, even when he could feel the pain that hung heavy over his best friend’s wishes.
“It’s not your fault, being different that is, and you can’t change them, fuck all if you didn’t try, but you can be sad about it, and you can hold on to good memories, then make new ones, change constantly in the way your parents never did, and start to miss the things you can have,” he answered, though no one had posed a question, “I know you’re strong enough to do so,” he whispered the last part, in a half-hearted attempt to avoid Sirius listening.
Sirius tilted his head to the side and rested his chin on Remus’ shoulder, their faces were so close Remus’ curls grazed Sirius’ forehead.
“Thank you,” he whispered.
“Anytime,” he replied “I’m here” fuck, was that too much? “ We ’re here”.
“I know,” Sirius smiled, then scooted closer, their gazes trapped in one another, the tip of their noses bumping.
Remus’ heart probably split in half twice right then and there; he could feel it beating so fast it seemed impossible it was alone in his chest cavity. His eyes fell to Sirius’ lips, stretched in a small smile with his fangs barely poking over them.
And they were so close.
Remus let his face fall a bit forward, tilting it downwards, their lips grazed.
“Owww that’s so cute”, someone said from behind them.
They jumped apart and turned to the room, almost making the cigarette box fall down the window, Sirius’ chin crashing onto Remus’ shoulder bluntly, and their breaths fast and shallow.
The room fell quiet again, then, “Lily that’s so cute”, James sighed, “you’re so cute”.
“Is he…dreaming of Lily?”, Remus said, trying to avoid awkward conversation, and genuinely intrigued.
Sirius laughed, light and happy this time, a real laugh, “He is, Merlin’s tits, he’s smitten”
“God, it’s ridiculous,” Remus said, laughing too.
“This is James we are talking about, of course it is”
He hummed in agreement “You’re not wrong”
“I’m Sirius Black, I’m never wrong”
“That’s highly debatable”
“You’re a man of little faith, Lupin”
Remus straighten his back from where he had been sitting, hunched at the window unwittingly, the change in position pressed painfully at his lower back, “I’m a man of little faith,” he agreed, then turned his neck slightly, making it crack, “and shitty bones”.
Sirius turned his face to him, eyebrows slightly scrunched in concern, his lips pressed in worry. Remus could kiss it away, he didn’t. “Can I help you… somehow?” He asked.
Remus sighed, trying to vanish the soft smile that had begun pulling at his lips, “I highly doubt it, unless you have a heating pad” he said.
“I can offer you a pad…foot instead,” Sirius replied, pointing at himself and lifting his eyebrows dumbly, knowing that the joke was a poor attempt at a distraction.
“God, just shut up”
“Hey!”
“That was horrible; I’ll never be able to wipe it away from my memory”
“Oh c’mon it was at least one of those ‘it’s so bad it’s funny’, wasn’t it?”
“Nope not at all It was horren- wait,” a sudden, probably terrible idea struck him, and he tried to shove it back down his brain, then the bones in his legs started to ache, and the proposal that he was about to materialize didn’t seem at all terrible.
“See? I told yo-“
“No, not that, the pun was shit but- umm- heating pads are hot and apply some pressure to help with pain and uh- well, dogs are warm and heavy, so…”
Sirius looked at him stunned- lips opened, eyebrows up- for a full five seconds as if trying to gauge to what extent he had correctly understood the place to where the sentence was going, it made Remus’ neck itch with anxiety. Then, the surprise turned into a wobbly, almost shy smirk, “You could’ve asked me to sleep with you without the whole pain theatrics, y’know that Moony”
Remus, shoved his arm and laughed, turning his head slightly to hide the blush creeping up his cheeks, “Oh, forget it, I’m going to sleep, Black”, he said, then swung his legs over the ledge and let himself fall to the bureau, his spine tingling where he could feel Sirius staring at him, but willing himself not to look over his shoulder to return the stare.
“Oi, wait”, he heard the thump of socked feet hitting wood, then carpet, and then the steps changed from two, to four, as the scratch of nails on fabric sped slightly to reach him.
Remus paused at the side of his bed, looking at the giant black dog sitting obediently and observing him carefully at the feet of the four poster. He sighed, smiling, took the jumper off and laid down on the cold white sheets, pulling the covers back up. Padfoot sat in his place, and did not move an inch of a paw before Remus patted his chest twice, motioning for permission to jump to the bed. The shift in the mattress pulled at his sore limbs and aching bones, but the pain subsided when a heavy mass of warmth and fur spread itself over the stretch of his body, Padfoot’s snout not far from his chin. Remus scratched behind his ears soothingly, the dulled soreness now reminding him of how tired he actually was, his eyes began to droop with sleep, the last thing he heard was how the dog huffed in content.