Sirius had been dealing with the nightmares just fine on his own if you ask him. Sure waking up screaming or crying was basically now his nightly routine, but dammit, Sirius was handling things okay?
“No, Jam-“ Sirius sighs
“I’m just saying, if you’re not ready to go back then I don’t think you should. They’ll” James was going on and on for the past twenty minutes trying to convince Sirius that “Being back in your own place will be good for you” Then immediately going to “Sirius, I really don’t think you’ve dealt with all of this completely”
To say this conversation was driving Sirius absolutely out of his mind would be an understatement.
“Prongs. James!” Sirius’ voice holds no actual venom, just pure annoyance and frustration.
“It’s been two months, I was fine before and I’ll be fine again, yes is it a bit shit? Absolutely, I’m not arguing with you there..” Sirius’ voice seems quieter these days and he really is trying. “I-I just miss Remus,” saying it out loud to someone other than himself is a bit out of left field for him and it does things to his heart once the words are out. “I miss my bed, Harry, god I miss my French press James, you wouldn’t try to get between me and my French press would you?!” He can hear James’ soft chuckle on the other side of the phone and it warms his heart
“So, Remus huh?” James teases
“Please can we not, I miss him like I miss you, you daft idiot” Sirius scoffs, ignoring the pang in his chest and the way his hands go clammy just at the mere thought of what James is implying
“Right, but you don’t want to bugger my brains out and stare at me reading while you draw from the table in our little cottage on the countryside” What on earth is James on about?
“JAMES! WHA!” Sirius has doubled over in laughter I
“Oh come on Sirius, I've known you my whole life. You really think I’m not capable of picking up on the fact that you've been in love with Remus for..” James sighs on the other end of the line and Sirius doesn’t have to see him to know he's just pushed his glasses up and is rubbing his eyes and bridge of his nose “Well honestly since you met him at what, fourteen?” Now it's Sirius’ turn to sigh and chew at his bottom lip.
“You know nothing James Potter” Sirius gets out under a defeated chuckle
“Quoting Game of Thrones is not going to work this time, It’s been over for years and I have finally gotten over the last season thank you very much.” He replies matter of factly. “Just think about talking to him, yeah? This if anything is proof that you never know how much time you have.” The silence threatens to turn back time and place Sirius back in that hospital bed, sobbing silently begging whatever entity is toying with him to please just save my brother. It’s haunting to think Regulus should be on the couch, rolling his eyes at his brother as he gossips over the phone like a teenage girl who just hugged her crush for the first time.
But, here’s the kicker, the flat is empty besides him and the stupid cat he could never stand, that chewed his phone cord and Reg just laughed and said it was his karma. James clears his throat and drags Sirius back out of his mind before it could sink it’s claws into him again. “He’s been worried sick over you, you know?” Sirius looks up from the counter and towards the door as if someone’s just opened the door for him “He’s been an absolute terror honestly, he’s cleaned your flat about twenty times, snuffles is so fat now Sirius, Rem feeds him so much I kind of feel bad for the dog,” James laughs and Sirius finds himself laughing with him shallowly, but a laugh nonetheless. “Our dear Moony has also done your laundry, folded socks and everything, really gave you the Lupin special and honestly the man is willing to touch your crusty socks” “Oi! Watch it Potter” Sirius tacks on as James insults his socks, his socks are not crusty, he just happens to not care to spend money on socks every month like some people. (cough Potter cough.)
“All I’m saying Pads is the man is handling your delicates, so you know maybe you can tell him you’d like to handle his delicates for him” The absolute smugness that Sirius can feel coming through the phone makes him want to smack James on the back of the head, it’s honestly a wonder he hasn’t murdered him yet, honestly who goes around telling their brother to handle their best friends delicates with not even a hint of modesty? “An absolute madman that’s who” Sirius thinks
“James, Jamie, Jam, Jimmy. Listen to me, It’s not that easy, I can’t just say Oh Hey Rem, you know I've been absolutely enthralled with the way your eyes light up whenever you get to prove someone wrong, and don't even get me started on the way the right side of your mouth twitches every time you’re trying not to laugh at joke just to prove a point. Or Moony you know, when I was 15 and you kissed me in spin the bottle I thought I was going to combust because how can your lips be so soft, are they still that soft? Can I find out?” Sirius takes a deep breath and taps his fingers against his thumb, subconsciously trying to fight the pure anxiety in his body right now.
“Sirius..” James is so delicate when he says it, Sirius feels like it’s not even real, none of it is real is it, really? He can hear his heart beating, the static in his ears is rising making his whole body itch all over, in every crevice he can’t feel his tears start to chase each other down his cheek but he’s sure if he could he’d pick the one on the right side to make its way down faster, make a game out it like when he was younger and he would race the rain drops to the sill.
The world feels like it's crumbling and god it’s taking so long to just crash. “James I need to go” It's rushed and the phone is on the counter before James could even try to protest. From there it's all so quickly, slow. He’s sat on the floor, and that cat, he’s just staring, watching him fall apart from about the millionth time in this fucking flat.
Trying to focus on the rise and fall of his chest proves difficult when he’s sobbing, the feel of his body against the floor, the drawers can’t draw him up and out. Sirius sits and he runs through his breathing exercises, he fights the memories of waking up to fluorescent lights, the stomach quenching smell of antiseptics insulting his nostrils. Sirius fights the tremble in his hands as he tries his hardest to tap his fingers, count them back and forth with each pass.
He can’t remember when he last felt safe in his own mind, it’s all just recurring versions of himself screaming for help, crying to be able to be loved. Sirius can’t take his eyes off the wall and he knows that but that’s nothing like what his vision is giving him. When it got so hard to be human, to feel like he had his life under control, he snorted a wet laugh at just the thought.
Then he’s drawn to his anchor, and it pulls him so far down he can’t help but feel like he has seen the light they tell you isn’t real, the one on the opposite side of where people like him go mad with the extreme disbelief in reality he’s grown into, and out of, and right back into in moments when his lungs fill with air but dammit it sure as hell feels like they're full of cement. How many more times is he going to have to pick himself up and slap a smile against his lips when he can’t help but feel like a liar, a failure in every sense of the word.
Squeezing his eyes shut he finally sees it, the honey swirling, the brushes of sandy strands of curls. God the soft freckles that kiss the bridge and shine in the sunlight. Soft shades of corduroy under his finger tips, the familiar soft thrum of the heart he admires. Remus. Soft and terrifying, Moony, his Moon. The soft strokes of a paintbrush can try to capture the structure of sunlight and moonshine that seems to make up the man he loves. God knows he’s tried so many times to convey it on canvas.
Have you ever tried to describe the way the soothing feel of honey colored eyes racking over you? The way the long fingers that create and teach and break barely grasp your hand in the middle of a film that may be a bit too terrifying. How does he describe the way the smell of books and earl gray mixed with something sweet and strong entices him to get up and push himself to be better every day.
And somehow it still, he still feels so unworthy of being able to even think how damn perfectly chiseled and molded Remus is. He can’t be what Remus needs, Sirius is too sharp, too loud and overbearing. Too much a disaster to ever be pure enough to hold his hand in the light of a dinner party, too much. That’s what it comes down to when Sirius runs the idea through his mind every single time.
Too much of this, and not enough all at once.
His mind supplies it as if that's the most obvious thing, “We’ve been over this Sirius, you’d only drag him down. He doesn’t deserve that.” If that isn’t strong enough of a statement, what else is to be said on the matter? James would say he’s being ridiculous, “Remus adores you, he looks at you like you sculpted the whole universe just for him” And fuck, that hurts. How can he feel his hands shake when the rest of him feels like it’s nothing, just like him.
Sirius isn’t sure how long it lasted in total, but it’s dark out now so he can only assume it was a bad one. He would've been a bit concerned if this was a few months again, now, now it feels like it crept it’s way into some sort of sick routine. Looking around the kitchen he notices two things, one: the cat is laying in his lap, fast asleep and he’ll never admit it but it’s adorable. And two: the lights in the living room are turned on and he can faintly hear the sounds of voices hushed and hurried.
Pushing himself off the ground while simultaneously picking up Sethe without being clawed to death, he silently makes his way towards the voices, voice? As he draws closer to where the living wall opens to the hall by the kitchen he stops dead in his tracks as he hears exasperation and disappointment come from the man in the room.
“James, I don’t even think he registers that I’m here” The figure sighs, but that voice. He’d know that voice anywhere. Remus. His heart is hammering in his chest, how long has he been here? Why is he here..oh god, oh god.
“No, he was just sitting there when I found him. No he wouldn't let me touch him, he-he just whimpered and started crying when I tried to help him up.” Remus’ voice is laced with hurt, concern, maybe even disgust, if Sirius' brain tries hard enough.
“It’s like I can’t reach him anymore James, I don’t know what to do, You know I love him but it’s like even subconsciously he wants to keep me at arms length.” Sirius is stuck to his spot behind the wall, he’s not even sure he’s breathing he’s trying so hard to just disappear just so he never has to see the face of absolute resentment he’s positive Remus is sporting right now. “Yeah, no yeah I know. I’ll try to yeah, it’s breaking me to see him like this, earlier he had said he was doing better” The sigh that leaves Remus’ lips seems to shatter through him without warning and Sirius is looking at his back now, watching his shoulders sag forward, the muscles seem to go tense then slack all at once like he’s trying to hold himself together at the seams.
“I’ll call you later, yeah give Lils my love, Harry too. You too Prongs, thanks.” And as quickly as Sirius found him the call ends and he backs up and turns back to the kitchen. Sethe jumps from his arms as he makes his hasty escape from eavesdropping and takes off, thankfully towards the bedroom and not the room with the man he wishes he could explore for even just a moment.
“Sirius?” Remus calls out as his footsteps get closer to the kitchen and Sirius swears he’s going to burst into flames or worse make a fool of himself so he hastily throws himself back into the position he was in when he was still in his panic. He cocks his head to the kitchen entry and feigns innocence as if he hadn’t just listened into a private conversation and sprinted awkwardly down a hallway.
“Remus? What are you doing here..wait ho-how’d you get in here?” He doesn’t even need to try to sound genuine with this, it had only now dawned on him that he has no idea how Remus could have possibly even walked into the flat on his own volition, the door was locked.
“Oh-uhm James gave me the spare.” He says it as if Sirius is about to reprimand him and yell at him, but his eyes scan over Sirius sitting on the floor with such pain that it makes Sirius curse himself mentally for allowing eyes like that do something other than crinkle with laughter or reflect such love and power.
“Spare?” Sirius shakes his head and looks up at Remus before he quizzically raises his eyebrow trying his best to act as if he wasn’t just a completely disgusting snotty 24 year old sitting on a kitchen floor with tear stained cheeks. “Why on earth does Prongs have my brother's spare key?” He’s sure he’s doing his job at hiding what's going on with his heart going all erratic and his mind screaming at him to shut up and just jump up and grab onto the man in front of him.
“You do know he’s the one that would usually cat sit when Reg was out of town, right?” Remus’s lip does that adorable little twitch thing and Sirius swears he would kiss it every time to see it allow itself to fully form that beautiful smile he craves so badly. If he could just, trace it with his finger, commit to memory with his lips. He’d be soft about it, gentle. God he’d be so careful with Remus, light brushes of fingertips tracing his scars. Sweet nothings whispered in the dead of night for only him to hear. Sirius would shelf the stars in a glass bottle if it meant his moon could shine brighter for the world to see.
Remus deserves so much and Sirius isn’t sure how anyone would be able to give him everything he needs and wants, but he knows he’d burn the world for him. Completely set it ablaze if it would keep Remus warm. He’d douse the fire inside himself if only it meant he wouldn't torch the bridge between him and the other.
“Pads?” It’s whispered, barely even spoken, he can feel the puff of air against his palm. That's when the world seems to stop for Sirius, why can he feel Remus’ breath on him like this? When did he get up, where-he can’t breathe it won't come out, being held hostage. If he doesn’t move It’ll all stop, it’ll stop, stop, stop, stop.
Sirius feels eyes on him, searching, pleading to make contact. He drags his eyes from his hand that's cupping the right side of Remus’ face to his eyes, those honey drizzled eyes all searching that make him squirm and want to beg from under the man they belong to. He’ll never ask where he came from, he knows there’s something buried under the earth Remus walks and god he hopes this is real, the way he’s now gripped Sirius’ writs gently with his hand so sure but not digging like the hands that try to pull Sirius under anytime he gives over to the memories of losing his baby brother.
“Sirius, please look at me..” Remus couldn’t sound any sweeter, or taste any more like his mouth has been laced with something intoxicating. Sirius opens his eyes and pulls away slightly, realization washing over him like an avalanche consuming him. His whole body is frozen, his eyes tentatively look up, the icy blue gray of an ocean not ventured meets the hazey warmth of a summers day on the shores of some distant place that can only house the power and electric feel that seems to be seeping out of the two men standing in front of each other. “Rem..”
✴✴✴
The alarm blares off to his left, jolting Sirius out of his dream panting as if he’s just thrown an elephant off his chest. Groggily Sirius looks around the room, rubbing his eyes that have been rudely assaulted by the blaring sunlight that is seeping into his room. As he stretches his arms above his head and lets out a groan before sliding his hands down his face, his fingers linger on his lips, something feels off. Like somethings missing and it's also staring him right in the face.
Grabbing his phone from the side table he checks the few notifications he has, replying to Lily about some art gallery she found that she thinks he’d really enjoy and some bloke that he should ask to go with him. She’s been pestering him to “get out there Sirius'', “He’s really nice, I think you’ll hit it off I just know it.” It’s not like he doesn't date exactly, it-it just doesn't last long. Two maybe three months then they part ways on the typical “I don’t want casual Sirius,” “Babe we’re just on different pages, you’ll find someone” and a degrading sympathy look back as they walk out on him.
James would say it was their loss for not trying to get to know him. Talking nonsense about Sirius needing to just be more receptive to someone wanting to take care of, to love him, blah blah blah. He can’t really remember the remainder of the many “helpful” talks has given him over the years because every time he chooses to give them Remus is just over his shoulder smiling and laughing, and every now and then he’d catch Sirius’ gaze and he'd give him a smile Sirius is sure is only for him.
Sirius drags himself out of bed and walks across the hall to his bathroom, he's brushing his teeth staring at his reflection trying to recall the night before. How did he get home, was he with someone? The last thing he remembers from the previous day is talking with James over the phone, he was in Reg's kitchen, and now he’s in his bathroom. He finishes in the bathroom and walks into the hallway where he comes across a cat, the damn cat. Sethe casually rubs against his legs purring, and Sirius really can not even begin to understand how he managed to drive his bike with a cat and completely have no recollection of doing such a thing.
He walks back into his room grabbing his phone and hitting the call button on James’ contact, as it rings he makes his way to the kitchen to start his coffee and figure out where he's going to put Sethe’s bowls for food and water? Milk? God he really doesn’t know how to take care of a cat but rehoming was out of the question he knew Reg would haunt him for the rest of his life he did that.
“‘Llo!” Harry screams into the phone speaker and Sirius’ face lights up as he laughs
“Morning Haz, how are you?” He simply asks his godson, the single greatest thing to grace his existence, he’ll never be able to thank Lily for finally giving James a shot and giving him his little best friend.
“Pafoo! park!” In the background Sirius can now hear James and Lily looking for not only James’ phone but also their son and man he really wishes he had video called instead to be able to see the expressions on everyone's faces.
“Yeah Haz I’ll tell you dad to take you to the park” The smile in Sirius’ voice is so evident he feels his cheeks might get stuck “Haz can I talk to your dad please?”
“Kay!” He hears the phone speaker brushing against something he’s assuming Harry has while he's running from the sounds of it. He can also hear James’ voice getting louder. “Dada Dada! Pafoo!” He screeches to get his dad's attention “Sure bud-oh found my phone Lils!” James calls out and Sirius can hear Harry laughing still then “Pads?” comes the voice of one extremely confused best friend. Laughing Sirius just clears his throat “Yeah Prongs it’s me, now listen. I may have told Haz you’d take him to the park. Don’t worry though I didn’t specify when so you do have some room to work with.”
There’s a long pause over the line before James replies at all “Did he call you just to ask permission to go to the park after Lily said no?” He can tell Prongs is trying not to burst out laughing and wind up having to fill in Lily which by proxy from the sound of the situation would lead to a very scary red haired demon revoking his Potter house privileges for a week..again.
“Actually I called you, he just happened to answer and ask me a very important question.” He shrugs, forgetting the other cannot see him, but he does it all the same, no one here to make fun of him for it. “But I do have a question for you, what happened last night?” He sighs and rubs the back of his neck squeezing slightly trying to relieve the tension he seems to be holding on to. “I remember packing up the last of his things, then I was on the phone with you and then it’s all black, and now I’m in my own kitchen.”
“You don’t remember anything?” His voice covered in worry from the other side of the phone. “Me and Moony drove out to get you, when we got there you were just staring at the couch. So we did what we do best and we packed you all up and figured out a way to get you to come with us and uh..” Sirius’ heart is hammering in his chest and his hands have gone clammy with sweat. There’s no way, he thinks, No, no it wasn’t real, IT. WASN’T. REAL. The voice in his head is now screaming it at him over and over again,
Not real
Not real
Not real.
“..and look I swear I’m not going to bring it up bu-” James is still talking, he's not going to bring it up. Oh god, what did he do?! He’s ruined it, fuck fuck fuck, of course he’s ruined everything
“Prongs.” No avail, he's still going on and on about probably the worst thing Sirius could possibly ever do.
“JAMES!” He yells and the line goes silent and the blood in his veins is way too loud and his breathing is just way too soft for this to be real. “James..what did I do?” He’s hearing the words be spoken but the voice sounds so fragile and scared he can’t confirm it was even him who asked the question.
“You, well..” He clears his throat and chuckles, ironically it feels like “You kissed me but you called me Remus.” There it is. A bomb dropped over his world and everything he held dearly. “He was already in the car, so he didn’t see or hear anything but Pads..” Now his voice is too soft, it's laced with pity and the words feel like venom seeping into his brain.
“I-I kissed you?”
“I kissed you and called you Remus and you just didn't think it would be important for you to oh I don’t know talk to me about this?” His voice is rising and his body is sinking, he rationally knows he shouldn't be upset, this isn’t so bad. Him and James can have a laugh about and move on and just pretend it never happened and all will be right in the world.
“You didn’t know what you were doing Sirius, and I know you. I got you home and you begged Moony to stay so he did, you need to talk to him..then you need to apologize to my wife for trying to steal me.” He adds matter of factly as an afterthought in true James fashion to try to lighten the mood and show Sirius the situation isn’t exactly dire and can be fixed in his mind easily, by talking to Remus and telling him..
“And what exactly do I say to him Prongs?” Sirius signs things are starting to feel a bit like deja vu in terms of conversions with James lately. “I kissed James by accident because for some fucked up mental reason I thought he was you, but hey don’t worry this won’t make our friendship weird at all.” Sirius can feel the tears pricking at his eyes as things start to calm by means of his body's reaction.
“I can’t mess this up James, I can’t lose him.” The last part is said in a whisper and feels like the first time in a long time that Sirius has been able to be truthful of how he feels about being absolutely in love with his best friend. “I’ve loved him for so long from behind built up walls that I’m terrified I won’t know how to do it properly in the open..he doesn’t deserve that kind of hesitation.” He chokes back a small sob before he continues, “After everything this world has put him through, he deserves to have someone who can prove their love to him ten times over under the watchful gaze of the stars, he should be with someone who isn’t so afraid of hurting him.”
“Sirius Potter-Black, you are so many things, so many wonderful things. You love so fiercely and so brightly it’s a bit intimidating really.” Sirius sniffles and for the second time in the span of 12 hours he’s in a kitchen crying over being in love with Remus Lupin, that tall gorgeous man that holds so much power over him without even realizing it.
“You deserve to be loved like that too, Pads, you do. The world has been unkind to you, but I've never seen it stop you from giving your whole heart to each person you care for. I’d commit arson for you if you asked me to because I know you would be there with me watching the flames, Remus and you. You both deserve so much more than either of you allow yourselves and it hurts to see you both miserable, hiding from feelings that are so, so pure for each other.” He laughs and sniffs slightly, the only hint that James has gone a bit soft on him.
“Have you ever wondered why Remus always leaves the bars early when we’re all out?” It’s such a loaded question, he knows what the part of his brain that says to make him jealous so he’ll approach you wants the answer to be. The other side though, the logical side says something that breaks his heart.
“He works early, and we always stay out too late for him, James.” Sirius says cooly as his fist clenches at his side, he won't let anyone, let alone James try to tell him lies about something he knows could never be true.
“No, it’s because of you.”
Another long silence and Sirius doesn’t think he has the ability to even snap back and make James feel as shitty as he does, because of course Remus leaves because of him. How could he not, being around him is tiring, he’s too much, especially when there’s alcohol involved so of course Remus takes the chance to get far away as soon as possible as to not be rude to the group and just not coming at all.
“Because, we go out and you chat up any bloke that looks your direction and then you make those lovesick eyes at him, and you're rude to anyone that even looks at him, and the worst part is you never ask him to stay when he goes to leave, you always just nod and let him go.” Dammit Potter, another bomb, another piece of information that is surely only going to burn his mind late at night until he feels as if even the ashes burn at the touch.
“I’m a lot to deal with when I’m drinking, that's no secret James” He says his name with as much poison as he can, he’s angry now. How dare James try to make him face his feelings and make him see reason, when he knows everything he touches disappears eventually.
“Everyone knows I’m too much, that's why none of those blokes go home with me at the end of the night, I see the annoyance in their eyes as I talk and joke, I see them look at me and only see someone to shag!” His breathing is heavy and James is silent, good he thinks fucking listen to what I have to say.
“I know I don't deserve the best things in the world but I damn sure know I don’t deserve to just be a chore, to just be someone he puts up with for a set amount of time then walks away, I don’t deserve that.”
“Sirius, I really really want you to think about this okay?” How long is this argument going to last, how much more time is he going to have to spend on this matter, it’s like beating a dead horse. “Do you, in your bones, believe that Remus thinks that about you, that you're some chore for him to be around?”
“I-”
“If you don’t get your head out of your ass and realize what you have in front of you all ready for the taking, I swear to god I will set Remus up on the best date of his life with someone who’s looking at the world and not their own shit.” James would never go through with it, he can’t.
“I’ll see you tonight, I’m bringing take out.” And James hangs up the phone, and Sirius is left not knowing what the hell just happened, how is he supposed to feel knowing that even though James is a right prick right now, he does know he’s being honest with him. And frankly he doesn’t know what is worse, being upset over walls he’s built up around himself or being upset that he probably could have everything he’s ever wanted if he could just stop being such a coward.
✴✴✴
It’s been a month since James tore into him about feelings and just opening up about things and he has a plan, a plan to bare everything out to Remus and finally just let things fall where they may. He can’t continue to sit around and watch the man he loves walk around without a clue in the world how much he means to him.
They’re out at some dinner for Lily’s office and Remus looks way too good for what should be allowed. The suit fits him perfectly, tight in all the right places and god it accentuates the way he holds himself, so sure and bold but so god damn soft and shy all at once and Sirius thinks he may need to adjust his trousers a little too often for someone who’s at a black tie event for a law firm.
He keeps leaning into Sirius to whisper all his judgements of all the snobby and pretentious people that Lily works with and he’ll just smirk at him, that little twitch of his lip at the right and if anyone has ever said Sirius lacks when it comes to his impulses he’d tell them about this night and how he has managed not to jump this man's bones right in front of this entire firm or drag him off to the loo just to check if the suit has left anything to the imagination.
“James looks constipated standing over there talking to that awkward looking man.” Remus nudges him and nods his head in James’ direction. He turns and takes a swig of his drink scanning the crowd until he lands on James who does indeed look rather uncomfortable with Lily standing next to him looking more bored than he feels. Sirius snorts and has to turn back to Remus quickly to avoid the glare of a rather pinched face woman who he’s come to know has three ferrets and is a paralegal that wishes she could just quit and start a ferret farm..whatever the hell that means.
“Think we should save them?” He counters by raising his eyebrow up into practically his hair as he finishes his drink and gives Remus a smirk to rival the very king of smirks. “Or we can get out of here, feign the plague and go get chips and head back to mine to watch Love Island, because I know it’s your favorite and I very much think this season has some rather fit blokes” Okay Sirius might be a bit tipsy, but it's all part of his plan, the alcohol is just a bit of liquid luck to quite the doubtful voices in his mind.
He searches Remus’ face, his eyes looking for any sign that James has read things all wrong and that he needs to go into plan B quickly to maintain his sanity and not lose his best friend. Strangely the only thing he can pick up from the beautiful god of a man in front of him is excitement, maybe even hopefulness. But maybe it's just the sparkle from the chandelier above them, god Sirius has never been a praying man but tonight he’s pleading with every deity he can think of.
“Yeah, that sounds like something I would much rather do than stand around here.” And the smile Remus gives him is so breathtakingly smooth that he has to double take to make sure it’s not actually being directed at anyone else.
Sirius feels bold, so he places his glass on the table behind them and takes Remus’ hand and basically drags him out on the pavement of the calm September night, and he grips his hand like a lifeline. If he lets go now he’s sure he's never going to come out alive of the icy waters he's decided to throw himself into tonight. Remus gives his hand a squeeze and laughs sweetly as Sirius drags him along, it’s so freeing to know that laugh is all his right now.
Sirius takes them up a few blocks and pulls him into Remus and his favorite chip shop and orders them both their usual and a chocolate shake for his Moon. He looks over at Remus as he’s waiting for his receipt to find him looking down at his phone, brows furrowed and typing rather aggressively if Sirius does say so himself. Grabbing the ticket and going to stand in front of Remus he looks down at him, a very rare thing given then man is a giant compared to Sirius’ 177cm’s he kicks his foot and Remus startles and looks up.
“Everything okay Rem?” He tilts his head much like a dog trying to understand something as he watches Remus lock his phone and give him a tight smile while putting it in his pocket.
“Everything is perfect Sirius, I’m about to eat chips after eating nothing but a bowl of cereal before we left tonight, I cannot tell you how excited I am.” He smiles up at Sirius and he swears he sees that spark again, please please please let that spark be real.
After grabbing their order the order an uber and get back to Sirius’ flat, the ride was only about twenty minutes but he couldn’t stop fidgeting all he wants is to slide his hand into Remus’, slot their fingers together in the perfect way they just fit and be tethered to the back seat with him, so he knows it’s real, he swears he won’t ask questions the others eyes answer for him. He just has to make it up the stairs now and into the flat, on to the couch and hopefully to the next most anticipated chapter of his life.
They sat and ate chips, they shared the milkshake and laughed at the cringy things the contestants of the show said and mostly they talked. They talked about a new project Remus’ research team at the university is going to start, something about going to Greece and rummaging through some old texts that have recently been found and need translating, how Remus can’t wait to explore on his days off but how he’ll miss having Sirius around to crack jokes and judge people in the back of rooms with while he’s away, if that doesn’t tear him up in the best way he doesn’t know how else it should make him feel.
And that’s how they fall asleep, on the couch close but not close enough, having laughed so hard a milkshake came out of Sirius’ nose and Remus doing his best imitation of his professor. It’s easy and calming. It’s the relaxing lull of spending time with someone you know inside and out and in turn knows more about you than you could ever try to comprehend, they’re close, not quite touching but almost.
Grimmauld place is dreary and cold, as if someone has left a window wide open and the very winter of London is freely taking up space in the house. Sirius finds himself on his knees with shaking hands and a throbbing skull--that night his subconscious supplies hautly manner.
“How dare you Sirius!” Her.
“You think you can just parade around school claiming you’re some sort of victim?” Her voice spits like fire trickling up his fingertips
He wants to snap back, he wants to scream and beg for it to be over but his throat has gone hoarse and Regulus is standing at the doorway, wide eyes watching his protector being stripped of the only thing they couldn’t take from him, his voice.
Not real..
It’s a small whisper in his ear and with the little strength he has to look away from his mothers screaming form is Regulus, but older than the boy standing at the door. How?
“Sirius, it's not real, she’s not real.”
“I’m not real” and Sirius sobs and no sound comes out, and his mother is still shrieking and clawing at his face, his hair anything she can grab on to, and Reg, the older Reg, is holding him by the shoulder whispering how this isn’t real..
None of this is real.
It feels all the same, it hurts, please stop
“Sirius.” It's being said from upstairs, but father isn’t home, he wasn’t there that night.
“Sirius! Please!” It sounds scared, worrying. Who is that?
“Not real Sirius, wake up.” Reg keeps telling him, and he keeps creaming and nothing keeps coming out, he's stuck.
“Sirius, wake up!”
He jolts up right and is breathing heavily, coughing and someone is next to him, someone is touching his shoulder. Sirius shakes his head and rocks himself back and forth tapping his fingers ``Not real, it's not real” he chants to himself, and that hand is still touching him.
“Sirius..please look at me.” It’s soft and inviting, not a command and the hand is gone from his shoulder and the tapping of his fingers slow without the added stimuli he can focus.
“I’m sorry..” Sirius is sure he’s said it out loud and he hopes his voice hasn’t failed him. “It’s not real, I’m sorry..not real, not real.”
“I’m going to touch you okay?” It's said as a question but he knows there won't be an answer for him to give so he flinches as a hand gently touches his face and slowly turns him to lock eyes. There’s a soft smile and a concerned look behind his eyes and Sirius is so sure he can’t be real. “Rem,” This is it, it’s now or never at this point, it’s not real. “I love you,” and the room stills like an overnight freeze but he continues “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I fell in love with you and I know it can never be anything real but it’s how I feel and I couldn’t-I couldn't just watch you go on in life not knowing…I’m so sorry, you never have to ask because it’s always like you just know, how do you do that? Be so good when you’ve been through what you have?” Sirius’ voice is shaky and Remus is watching him with those honey drop eyes and it's tearing his heart apart, this can’t be real, that fire in his eyes that seems to have melted the honey at its core.
“This can’t be real but I want it to be so badly Rem, it’s like if you walk out of here right now I’ll just wake up and be back arguing with James about how stupid I’ve been…please tell me this is real, please Remus, tell me-” before the words can continue to fall off his tongue and over his lips, their brushed with the sweetest whiskey he’s ever had and he’s a man that stands by his scotch.
His eyes are closed and his lips are pressed against Remus’, his eyes are closed. He can't open them, he doesn’t want to be faced with the reality of this all being some kind of trick. He keeps his eyes closed and his lips open to Remus as his tongue swipes at his bottom lip and his sure long fingers are slowly tangled into Sirius’ hair.
His breath hitches and he keeps his eyes closed, they stay closed even as Remus pulls away and tilts his chin up, “Sirius, love.” It’s so gentle he can feel the tears start to escape his eyes. “Open your eyes for me darling.” And Sirius is so afraid to do it but with the softness of a voice like that leading him through it he can do it. He opens his eyes and Remus is crying, but he has a smile on his face and that damned spark in his eyes.
“This is real Sirius, you and me. It’s all real, I’ve been waiting for so long for this.” Remus chuckles and wipes the tears on Sirius’ cheek with his thumb. “You oblivious fool, I love you so much it’s hard to breathe sometimes. But I promise we can be real, I want us to be real.”
Sirius lets out a whimper so soft and grabs onto Remus’ wrists as he holds his face, turning his head so slightly to kiss his palm “I love you so much my Moon, so much. I’ll burn the world for you.” At that Remus laughs and leans his forehead against Sirius’ “Arson is such a Potter thing to offer up for someone, just kiss me” And Sirius surely does not need to be told twice and he closes the small space between the two kissing Remus as if his life depends on it, they smile into each others lips and its murmured against them but Remus chants “I love you, I love you, I love” smooth like honey and strong like whiskey.