A look into Gracie's world
Saturday, March 7th, 1992
Sometimes Gracie didn't feel as special as her sister. Everyone saw them as very similar, but that wasn't true.
Sure, both were eleven, both were witches, both were in their first year at Hogwarts, both were trans girls, etc. But, that was just the surface level. Coincidence or a product of growing up together.
Alex was...power. Smart, sarcastic, confident. She created a whole club which started with twenty members(and had many more now, less than a year later) just because she felt the world was unfair. People listened to her. People liked her. Alex was perfection-at least from the outside.
Gracie was none of that. She was more anxious, quieter, afraid of conflict. She was terrified that if she didn't shout about her existence constantly no one would see or hear her. And she hated shouting. Sure, she had friends, and she was in United herself, but....Alex still seemed to be 'winning' on that front, not that it was a competition.
And then....There was the thought Gracie would never, ever voice to anyone, maybe not even her therapist, though she should. The thought being: Alex was more of a girl than her.
Of course, that wasn't true. Someone can't be more of a girl than you, unless they're a girl and you're not. Gracie was definitely a girl.
But, Alex passed better. Or at least would in a couple years.
Alex was thin and short and completely androgynous, people only assumed she was a girl because of her hair and clothes. Plus, she was planning on going on hormones in a couple of years.
But, Gracie? Gracie was taller, boxier, childhood allowed for a sense of androgyny, but puberty wouldn't. Especially because Gracie wasn't sure about going on estrogen. Oh, she wanted the effects, she really did. But the idea of putting chemicals in her body, even chemicals she already had, was terrifying. Gracie didn't even like the idea of multi-vitamins.
That wasn't all though.
Alex liked dresses and skirts and sparkles.
Gracie was more low-key with jeans, hoodies, plain colors. Fashion wasn't her strong-suit. Especially since she didn't quite feel good enough for the pretty things her twin wore with easy and grace.
Speaking of grace, Gracie wondered if her name was a mistake. Don't misunderstand, she loved it. But, did she deserve it?
The idea that she didn't was preposterous. It was her name! But, Gracie wasn't graceful. And she didn't feel like a blessing or super kind(the actual meanings of the name). Maybe, a different name would have been more appropriate. Still, she preferred Gracie to anything else.
All that being said, Gracie couldn't be constantly miserable. She certainly didn't want to. So, those thoughts weren't for-front.
They were pushed back with homework, random spikes of gender euphoria, and friend-time. Still there, but not as bothersome. Gracie thought it sounded like repression and probably wasn't healthy, still it made the thoughts(mostly) go away.
Except at times like this.
It was 2:00 P.M. Gracie was hanging in her dorm with her roommates, Susan and Caden. The two other girls(because Caden was a girl today, she/her) were talking about their up-coming teenagehood. Well, up-coming in a year(they were all nearly twelve). Gracie knew this was what people their age talked about, and usually she did to, but right now....Gracie would rather not.
Still, it felt rude to leave or ask them to change the conversation topic. It wasn't rude, it was setting a boundary. But....
"Grace?" Caden called, Gracie loved being called Grace, but even that couldn't bring a smile to her face right now.
"Yeah, Cade?" Gracie responded, trying and failing to sound happier.
"What's wrong?"
"N-nothing."
Susan gave her a look. "It seems like somethings wrong. You've been all quiet and fidgety for a while."
Gracie blushed. "Aren't I always like that?" Her voice strained.
"Well...." Caden admitted. "A bit, but not like this. You seem actually uncomfortable."
"Why would I be uncomfortable?"
"That's what we're asking you." Susan shot back.
"....Nothing....It's just...." Gracie didn't know what to say.
"Just what? Come on, it's okay. You can be honest with us." Susan smiled.
"....Just....All this teenager stuff...."
"What about it?" Caden wondered concernedly.
"....When you're a teenager you go through puberty...."
"So?" Susan really seemed confused, which made sense. She was an eleven year old who hadn't had much of her life surrounding the trans experience. Not like Gracie, or even Caden.
"....When I go through puberty I'll stop being sort of androgynous....Everyone will see a man....And I hate that...." Gracie answered, tearfully.
"But, isn't that what estrogen is for?" Susan wasn't trying to be rude or invasive, and Gracie didn't take it that way, so she left it be.
"....I don't....I don't think I'm gonna do HRT...."
"Why, if it doesn't make you uncomfortable to answer. I'm only asking because I don't want you to have to bottle up all these emotions. And because I want to help you in the best way possible." It was still Susan talking.
"....It's scary...."
Susan nodded like she understood. "I get that. I'm scared of puberty too, they'll be a lot of changes and hormones and stuff. So, I get why you would hate to not just go through that, but also have to do weekly shots or whatever."
Gracie nodded.
"I don't know what I'm going to do about puberty either." Caden informed.
"Oh, yeah. I guess being genderfluid can make things even more complicated. Sometimes wanting femininity and other times masculinity." Gracie realized, sort of feeling bad that she was being so dramatic when Caden had to go through that.
Caden nodded. "I think I'm going to go on T. I like the idea of it, mostly; I'm very butch. But, sometimes the idea of it makes me want to rip my skin off and start a new life like a snake or something."
Gracie nodded, eyes wide in understanding. "Exactly."
"Why does no one talk about this part of being trans?" Caden wondered. She could think and find a reason, but that was rather energy-zapping.
"As my sister would say: It doesn't paint a picture of trans people being either shining beacons for humanity, exactly like cis people with zero differences, or as perverts in bathrooms converting children." Gracie informed. She didn't have to think as much as Caden might. Probably because she was always around Alex who said stuff like that constantly.
Caden smiled, but it was only slightly happy. "That's what Alex would say alright. But, what would Gracie say?"
"They think it's too gross and less profitable."
"There's our girl!" Susan exclaimed with a wide smile.
Their girl? Gracie was their girl? Like actually?
Maybe Alex didn't have everything.