When We're Gone
Regulus opens his door and starts to walk downstairs, only to stop just before he rounds the corner when he hears screaming from the kitchen, a voice he normally hears as nothing but happy.
“No! I don’t want to think about it! Stop Mum!” James yells, “You’re fine, you’re not going anywhere so we don’t have to talk about it.”
“James dear, please, just take a deep breath,” Mrs. Potter calmly instructs him, “Sit down, I know it’s difficult but it’s something we need to-”
“No! No!” James interrupts, “I don’t want to talk about it please… please Mum.”
Mrs. Potter takes an audible deep breath before calmly repeating, “Please just sit down, dear, please. Let’s talk this through, no need to yell.”
“I have every right to yell when you’re telling me about how you’re going to die! I don’t want to hear it!” He screams back regardless, Regulus hearing him loudly sniffle. “Leave me alone, Mum, just leave me-”
James is cut off when the front door creaks open, immediately followed by Mr. Potter’s voice. “Hey, what’s with all the yelling in here?”
“Nothing,” James brushes him off.
“No no, why are you upset?” Mr. Potter presses, tone nothing but genuine.
“Nothing! You’ll probably defend Mum anyway,” James huffs, presumably going to walk away, only to be stopped by his dad.
“Hold on, kid, don’t leave just yet,” Mr. Potter firmly demands, although not meanly at all. James must keep walking away, because his father gets much more serious, “James, stop.”
“No! Leave me alone! I don’t want to talk to you!”
“James,” His mother tries to soothe him, though James is hearing none of it.
“Shut up!”
“James!” Mr. Potter booms, Regulus physically recoiling at the terrifying volume that makes every nerve stand on end. “You do not speak to your mother like that.”
“Fleamont,” Mrs. Potter cuts in, “Calm down, it’s fine.”
“It’s not fine, James, you know better than to talk to anyone like that, angry or not,” Mr. Potter maintains, “Go upstairs, take some time to calm yourself down, we’ll talk about this later.”
James, who is openly sobbing loud enough for Regulus to hear it, doesn’t say anything else, just starting to come upstairs. Regulus steps back, James walking into his room and slamming his door, not even glancing over at Regulus. The slam makes Regulus jump, spiking his already buzzing anxiety. It reminds him so much of Sirius arguing with their mother, ending in things much worse than this. Slammed doors are normally followed up by stomping upstairs and the clicking of their mother’s heels down the hallway. But that doesn’t happen, Regulus peeking around the corner and down the stairs to see if just maybe one of them is coming up here. Unfortunately, Mrs. Potter looks right at him, Regulus retreating back out of her line of sight as if that’ll make her forget he’s there.
“Regulus dear, can you come down here for a moment?” Mrs. Potter calls up the stairs, Regulus physically shaking with fear. This is exactly what got him kicked out of his house before, he absolutely does not want to go down there. “Regulus, you’re not in trouble, I promise,” Mrs. Potter assures him after a minute of him staying in the hallway, “It’s alright, dear, you’re alright.”
Regulus very hesitantly comes around the corner, standing at the top of the stairs and looking down to the bottom where Mrs. Potter is waiting for him, a smile on her face. He slowly descends down them, looking at her when he reaches the bottom.
“I’m sorry you had to hear that,” She apologizes, “I just want to make sure you know that I’m not mad or on edge or anything, alright? I can read the anxiety all over your face, I just want to make sure you’re not nervous that anything is going to happen. Arguments happen, people yell, it’s no big deal. Neither me nor Fleamont are at all angry with James for yelling or you for listening to it.”
Regulus hesitantly nods, having the horrible sinking feeling that she’s just lying to him. Regulus has seen his fair share of arguments before and they always end in someone bruised.
“Really dear, I’m being completely honest. Take a deep breath, in and out,” She instructs, Regulus listening and talking as even of a deep breath as he can, which is admittedly a little shaky. “Are you alright?”
Regulus nods, “Just- Just anxious, I’m sorry.”
“No need to apologize, a lot happened at once, you have every right to be,” She assures him, “Do you want me to do anything to help?”
He shakes his head, “Mm-mm, it’s fine.”
“Alright, remember if you do you can always come and find me, even if you just need reassurance,” She calmly smiles at him, Regulus returning a small smile before going back upstairs into his room. He shuts the door and goes right into laying down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling and tracing the boards. The ceiling is far from perfect but he likes it better that way, more for him to slowly follow with his eyes as he soothes the nerves that were widening the pit in his stomach. It’s very effective, his favorite technique he’s ever developed to cope with his anxiety. Soon enough he’s rationalized the argument in his head and calmed down enough to realize that nothing bad like that would ever happen here.
The entire time, though, he hears James crying next door, Regulus knowing he’s in there all by himself, something James really doesn’t like when he’s upset. Normally he’d trust Sirius to help him out, but Sirius is out with Remus today. Regulus just gets the gut feeling he should go talk to him, deciding he's calm enough to help James with his stress.
Regulus gets up from bed and opens his door, walking next door to James and Sirius’ room and knocking on the door, waiting for a response.
“Who is it?” James shakily asks.
“Reg,” Regulus replies, hearing the lock on the door click.
“It’s open,” James calls back, Regulus slowly opening the door and poking his head in, seeing James in his bed, knees to his chest and back against the backboard.
“Hey James,” Regulus greets, his tone as soft as he can get it, “Can I come in?”
“If you want,” James shrugs, Regulus going inside and shutting the door behind himself. He walks over to James’ bed, sitting down criss cross in front of him. James doesn’t say anything, just staring at Regulus.
“Are you ok?” Regulus tentatively asks, not sure if that’s the best way to start the conversation. With Sirius, he would very assertively cut to the point, but he knows that wouldn’t be effective at all with James.
James shrugs again, “I don’t know, I don’t know.”
Regulus lets the silence hang in the air, watching as James shifts around a bit before starting to spill what’s going on in his head.
“I just hate when me and my parents argue because it’s always my fault. I just- I lose control of myself and I yell and scream and then the only thing that brings me back down is Dad yelling but I hate getting yelled at because I feel like they hate me and-” He takes a shaky breath, wiping away fresh tears as they begin to fall, “And I love my parents! I love them more than anything and I know they deserve so much better than to be screamed at when they’re just trying to talk to me but I don’t know how to stop myself. And then I just feel- You would- Nevermind.”
“Mm-mm, keep going,” Regulus encourages, admittedly intrigued as to what Regulus has to do with this.
James pauses a moment, catching his breath before quietly continuing, “I just think I feel so much worse when I do it now because what if they hate me more for it knowing what it’s like to have a son who respects them? You would never do that, even if you absolutely despised something they did you would never yell and tell them to shut up or anything. I feel like such a disappointment, I don’t know.”
“James, I can promise you that your parents could never hate you,” Regulus assures him, “Mrs. Potter told me she’s not mad at you at all, and your parents are the sweetest people I’ve ever met. They’re not going to hate you, they understand where you’re coming from and were very level about it when you were yelling, they really don’t care. You’re definitely not a disappointment, regardless of what I would do or not. I’m not you.”
“I know, that’s the problem. You’re so much nicer to them than I am and-” James hiccups, “And Mum was just talking to me about what I need to know if she and Dad die and I turn around and treat her like that and I’m just so afraid that every argument I have with them is going to be the last thing I ever say and I just wish I wasn’t like that and- and-”
James descends into sobs, Regulus opening his arms and letting James practically fall into a hug. Regulus lightly rubs his back as James cries into his shoulder, Regulus trying to ignore how he’s just a little too close and a little too loud. This is not his moment, and his anxiety will have a wait a minute to be attended to.
James doesn’t let go of Regulus when he speaks again, quietly muttering, “Do you think I’m being ridiculous?”
“Hm?” Regulus hums, James sitting back and wiping his eyes, repeating himself.
“Do you think I’m being ridiculous?” James asks again, “You know, in thinking that they hate me? I know they never really would but I can’t get it out of my head, I feel so stupid.”
“No, you’re not stupid, you can’t control what you think about, especially when you’re worked up. I get it, it sucks, and it sucks when you know it’s not true but you can’t help but convince yourself that it is. You just have to calm down and let yourself realize that it’s not true,” Regulus coaches, “You just do what works for you.”
“What do you do?” James asks, “I’ve never really had a good coping mechanism, I don’t know. It’s not that I haven’t had the support to get one but normally I just talk to people. Clearly, that doesn’t always end well.”
“I like to play piano if I’m just a little on edge or if I’m angry, but sometimes if I need to be in a quiet space I trace the boards on the ceiling with my eyes,” Regulus tells him, “It’s really calming, just something simple to do that lets me work through what I’m feeling.”
“I just need something to do with my hands, that would never work for me,” James hangs his head a bit, looking down at his hands and beginning to fidget with the bottom of his pant leg.
“So maybe that’s not for you, look for something you like doing and try that if you get upset. When I was a kid I used to sit on the floor and rock back and forth while I read my constellation books,” Regulus shrugs, “I don’t know, I’ve always been good at coping, I think it was just because I had nothing else I could do when I was a kid, I wasn’t being comforted.”
“I’m so bad at coping on my own,” James pauses a moment, muttering, “Maybe it was what Mum talked about that has me thinking about this, a day where I can’t rely on them to be comforted anymore.”
Regulus lets James’ comment sit in the air for a moment, taking his time settling on the right response. Finally, he quietly responds, “It’s hard to think about, but there will always be someone to listen, even if it can’t be them.”
James looks up at him, “Do you ever think about that? Losing our parents?”
Regulus shrugs, “I try not to, my thoughts tend to spiral too quickly to think about something really upsetting like that. I hope that doesn’t happen anytime soon, that’s the only thought I’ve had about it.”
“Mhm, mhm,” James nods, “I hate thinking about it, it makes me so upset. It sounds so cheesy but they’re my best friends, you know? For a long time I spent all my time with my parents, I was an only child and I didn’t really go to school, just the young wizard’s camp. I tell my parents everything, I love them more than I could ever describe and I am just so scared of a world without them in it to write or call and just- I think that’s why I hate talking about it with Mum. I know she’s right, we have to, but thinking about it makes me feel like I’m drowning and it drives me insane trying to get out of it. This makes no sense, I’m sorry.”
“No, it makes sense, I know what you’re talking about. You’re completely rational in that, and I’m sure your mum understands where you’re coming from too,” Regulus reasons, “Maybe you should talk to her about that so you two can work out the best way to approach that subject since you have to do it but it’s a hard subject to talk about for you.”
“Mhm, I’ll try talking to her about it,” James nods, pausing a moment before chuckling, “You sound so much like Mum sometimes, it’s so scary.”
Regulus laughs, “I think you forget I learned how to be comforted by her, her and Andromeda but that was when I was really young.”
“And you’re so damn good at it, Reg, God,” James wipes his eyes, “Thank you so much for talking to me, by the way. I really needed to get that all off my chest, thank you for listening.”
“Of course,” Regulus smiles at him, “I’m glad I could help, I just figured you wouldn’t want to be in here alone.”
“Mhm, you know me well, Reg,” James affirms, smiling back at him. He hesitates before asking, “Can I have a hug pretty please?”
Regulus playfully rolls his eyes but gladly accepts James’ request for a hug, glad to no longer have him sobbing on his shoulder. James sits back after only a moment, looking over at the clock on the wall.
“I should probably go talk to Mum and Dad before dinner, I don’t want things to be awkward,” James sighs and hangs his legs over the side of the bed, getting up, “Thank you again, Reg, you’re awesome.”
Regulus smiles back at him, getting up as well, “Again, I’m glad I could help. If you want to talk about anything else I’m probably going down to the piano room.”
“I might come and listen for a bit, savor being offered a spot in the sacred piano room,” James jokes as the two of them start to walk out of the room, James walking out the door first.
Regulus laughs, “I don’t like having many people in there, take it as a compliment.”
“I absolutely do,” He comments as he goes down the stairs in front of Regulus, walking right up to his mother when he gets to the bottom of the stairs. Regulus just glances back as James starts to talk to his mother, Regulus heading around the corner and seeing Mr. Potter in the living room reading something. He looks up from his book when Regulus walks by.
“Hey kid,” Mr. Potter smiles.
“Hello,” Regulus replies, continuing into the piano room. He shuts the door behind him, reveling in the happy feeling he has from making James feel better. He loves James a lot, and he’s so happy to finally have the language to console him properly. For that, he has Mrs. Potter to thank.
Even in the midst of that warm feeling, he can’t shake the thought of Mr. and Mrs. Potter passing away, two people who have saved his life. He hates it, he hates it so much.
So he turns around and cracks the door a bit before sitting down at the bench and pulling out Mr. Potters favorite piece, the smile growing tenfold when he hears him yell from the living room when he starts playing.
“Aw, I was just missing this song! Thank you, Regulus!”
And Regulus plays that piano piece with the biggest smile on his face.