The Fall

Sirius is exhausted.

With quidditch practice every other day and Animagus prowling every night, it’s only natural.

They officially have a proper quidditch team now that they’ve weeded out their weakest players. Sirius has even been doing good at layering his sports bras instead of trying to play with bandages on– and it works surprisingly well. (however, he’d be lying if he said he went to every practice in sports bras instead of bandages– he’s only human.) Aside from that, they have their first quidditch game in less than a month– a couple of days after the next full moon.

Today is a ‘break day,’ as James calls it. No quidditch. No late night Animagus training. No pranks. Just class and then scheduled lazing around the common room. Unfortunately, without the constant distractions, Sirius has been unable to ignore that warm feeling he gets in his chest whenever he’s around Remus. It’s confusing– he’s never felt it before. He’s also beginning to think the heart palpitations he’s getting are actually from being around Remus and not just a side effect of bandaging his chest everyday.

So, he’s resorted to napping to make up for late nights as Padfoot and also to ignore this thing he doesn’t understand. Like now, in class, bent over his desk with his face nuzzled in his folded elbows. Next to Remus.

Okay, so he hasn’t been doing a very good job at the whole napping thing. Mainly because Remus sits next to him in every class they have together and all he can think about is how close they are and how his entire body catches fire whenever Remus leans over to whisper something in Sirius’ ear and–

Remus’ hand curls around Sirius’ bouncing knee, sending a stream of warmth directly to his stomach. Sirius tilts his head to look over his arms, arching a brow despite the rapid pounding in his ribs and his burning ears.

“Hey,” Remus smiles, Sirius reckons he’s literally trying to kill him. “Tired?”

“No,” Sirius drawls, sarcastic and far too aware of the hand cupping his knee. Then, without meaning to, “Just thinking about you.” He tips his tone into something overly flirtatious to hide the fact he actually is thinking about Remus. He tacks on an exaggerated wink just to be safe.

Remus rolls his eyes. “Right,” He says, monotone. “Do you wanna come with me to the library after class?”

Well, there goes Sirius’ plan for napping all day, because as if he could ever say no to Remus bloody Lupin.

“Of course.” Sirius replies, like the fool he is. The grin Remus breaks into is worth it, he thinks. He grins like Sirius just handed him the world on a golden platter instead of just agreeing to hang out with him. Sirius’ lips curl to match it, but his mouth is hidden behind his elbow.

Class passes by faster now that Sirius is worried about the fact he’s going to die of cardiac arrest considering he agreed to hang out with Remus (it doesn’t help that Remus’ hand hasn’t moved from his knee to keep it from bouncing). Class ends, they leave, Sirius’ arm brushes against Remus’ on the way to the library and it sends a jolt of electricity up his arm.

Sunbeams capture the dust particles floating idly through the air as they walk through the library. Comfortable silence hangs between them, nothing but their shoes on shined wood floors and the sound of students turning paper as they work.

Sirius is lost in the questions floating around his mind. He doesn’t realize Remus has even stopped until his fingers are curling around Sirius’ wrists; sending a flame up his arm and directly to his cheeks, flushing him crimson.

He stops dead and looks at Remus, who has a book opened with his free hand and is skimming the ending (because he’s insane) and Sirius’ heart is rattling loose in his rib cage.

Remus has his head slightly bowed, sandy curls falling over his eyes as he reads. The sun highlights the freckles splattered over his nose and turns his eyes golden. His thumb is idly stroking Sirius’ wrist as he reads, Sirius’ stomach jumps every time it brushes over the pulse point in his wrist.

Remus frowns, looking up from his book to Sirius. “Your pulse.” He says, pressing his fingers into Sirius’ wrist and making his heart stutter.

Sirius blinks. “Yes.” He says, because he’s incapable of forming a proper sentence at the moment.

Remus tilts his head. “Why?”

“Just the effect you have on me, wolf boy,” Sirius says, because this is their normal. Sirius pretends to flirt and Remus rolls his eyes at his antics. Sirius is in desperate need of normalcy, right now.

Remus’ eyebrows jump, amused, and Sirius knows he’s fucked before Remus even speaks.

Remus slides his hand down Sirius’ wrist to link their hands, “If it’s just hand holding that has your heart like this,” He starts, Sirius mentally writes his will, “then imagine what else I could do to you.” His voice dips to the same flirtatious tone Sirius’ does, except Remus’ tone is different– all soft and velvety around the edges and all Sirius can do is stare while a spark sets fire to his lungs.

That certainly wasn’t what Sirius was expecting. At all. Sirius does not know what to do with this– with these feelings and this flirting and this everything– since when does Remus flirt back?

Sirius is stunned quiet, allowing Remus to drag him around the library by the hand just because he’s so caught up in his sputtering thoughts he can’t do much else but blindly follow.

It’s not long before Sirius becomes overwhelmed with these confusing feelings cluttering his chest. Feelings he’s never felt before– never thought about before– flood him all at once and stick to his ribs like tar. He doesn’t know what to do with them. Actually, wrong; he needs to get rid of them. Immediately. Or– maybe just sort and label them and then throw them out. Or… something. Anything. He needs to go.

Merlin– what a mess. Remus flirts back once and Sirius can’t process a single coherent thought. Jesus.

Sirius clears his dry throat, “Um– er,” he stutters, cursing himself. “I just remembered… James needs me. For a thing. With– yeah,”

Remus flicks his gaze from the book. He narrows his eyes. “Okay…” He says like he doesn’t believe him.

Sirius nods. Remus nods. Sirius squeezes his hand before dropping it, just so Remus knows they’re okay, then promptly hightails it out of there.

The walk to the common room is spent with his head bowed and his brows furrowed over his eyes. He tries to untangle the mess of emotions in his chest, but it’s hard to do when he’s not even sure what half of them are. Pulling at one string just leads to another, more confusing knot.

Desperate for– something, anything– he snatches his flask from his inner pocket and takes a swig of bitter fire whisky. He tucks it away before any teacher can catch him, with the intent on downing the rest as soon as he’s in the dorm.

When he enters the portrait to the common room, he spots James on the sofa with Lily. They’re sitting closer than Sirius would expect, Lily with her legs crossed in James’ direction and James with his arm looped over the top of the sofa, behind Lily’s head. Sirius makes to walk past them, but halts at the look on James’ face. Lily had said something with a smile and brushed her fingers over James’ wrist, and James’ eyes are now blown wide with his mouth slightly agape, Sirius is sure his cheeks are probably burning.

He’s also sure that’s exactly what he looked like when Remus caught his wrist and flirted with him.

Lily’s soft laughter jars Sirius back to the present. He blinks at his two friends, who have yet to notice him, too caught up in their bubble of warmth. Quickly, as to not get caught and so he can have a maybe-mini-mental-breakdown in private, he rushes past them and up the stairs to the dormitory.

Sirius’ heart is pounding in his throat.

He downs the fire whisky in his flask, so caught up in his newfound realization he doesn’t even feel its burn on the way down. Fear and confusion tug at his heart in equal measures– about a half a million new questions swirl his mind like a storm.

Sirius can’t have feelings for Remus. It’s… not possible.

Sirius has never had feelings for anyone before. He’s never once in his life experienced a crush, or infatuation, or… romantic attraction. Actually, attraction in general. It’s never happened to him.

He faked it before, when James first started talking about Lily. He asked who Sirius had liked, Sirius was confused by the question. When he realized James meant ‘like’ in a romantic way, Sirius was still confused. He’d never thought about anyone like that before. Realizing this wasn’t normal, he panicked and pointed to the closest girl in class. James never brought it up again, but it bothered Sirius. He convinced himself he was broken.

So, Sirius accepted the fact there was something broken in him. Who cares– just one more thing onto the pile, right?

But now– it makes sense. All those things he’s read about, all those things James has talked about in length– the heart palpitations, the warm cheeks, the muddled thoughts– clearly it’s… something. But even if it is something… Sirius can’t… act on it.

Remus is a boy. Sirius can’t like boys. Liking boys would mean… he’s a girl, wouldn’t it? Boys are supposed to like girls.

So no. He can’t have feelings for Remus. Not if he wants to prove he’s a boy. He’s sure his parents would have a field day if they found out he likes boys. He’s sure the few people in this school who know about Sirius being born a girl would tell them immediately, actually, if he were to get a boyfriend.

Right now, he needs to prove he likes girls. Yes. He’ll get a girlfriend– that can’t be too hard, can it? Sirius has had girls falling at his feet since he started attending Hogwarts. Surely it can’t be easy, but he’s sure he’ll be able to find someone.

Nodding to himself, and with a little more liquid courage from their stash of booze, he scurries out of the common room in search of a potential girlfriend, already with a mental list of all the girls who’ve asked him out before.

Flirting is easy for Sirius.

He’s been told he just has a ‘naturally flirtatious personality’ (Peter’s words) but Sirius knows it’s just to make up for the fact he’s broken inside. If he’s constantly flirting with people, who’s to know he doesn’t actually feel things like they do? By the end of it, people have spread enough rumours about who he’s supposedly sleeping with that he never even had to try to date anyone to secure his secret. The personality stuck.

So. Getting a girlfriend is surprisingly easy.

Well. ‘Girlfriend.’ He flirted with this girl for three minutes and now they’re snogging in a part of the corridor that’s secluded to make it seem like they’re trying to hide, when really, it wouldn’t be too hard to miss them.

It’s all very… not good, actually. People enjoy this? It probably would help if he were attracted to her. Her tongue is in his mouth and he’s trying not to gag at the taste of a gross mint she ate before they started. It’s all very wet and awkward and he has her pushed against a wall. She seems to be enjoying it, at least. He gives himself a point on his mental scoreboard for that because he should at least be getting something out of this. Maybe he’ll make himself a crown. He’s kind of hungry. How long do these typically last? He feels like they’ve been snogging for hours. He’s bored.

There’s a whistle behind them, making Sirius jump apart from her. Peter and James are standing there with the Marauders map. They’re both grinning, but James’ doesn’t meet his eyes.

Sirius clears his throat and steps away from the wall, giving his snogging partner room to move. He brushes back his hair. The girl is flush and ruffled with tinted cheeks, the direct opposite of Sirius who’s still composed. She waves awkwardly at the boys.

“I should–” She starts, stops, turns to Sirius with a smile– “come find me later.” She winks, and leaves. Sirius blinks after her– he hadn’t gotten her name.

“Sirius,” James says, catching Sirius’ attention. He’s wearing a smile that looks a little too forced.

“James.” Sirius says back.

“Congrats, Padfoot!” Peter exclaims, completely missing the strange tension between Sirius and James. “What’s her name? How long have you two been–”

“It’s not like that,” Sirius cuts him off, looking at Peter with a wobbly smile. He feels gross. “It’s just… a fling. Someone to snog.”

“What about–” James cuts himself off, Sirius’ eyes swipe to him.

“What about what?” Sirius asks, slow.

James stares at him for a long moment. “...Nothing.” He says, shaking his head. He mutters ‘Mischief Managed’ and folds the map. “I was worried you were up to pranking when today is exclusively a break day.” He gives Sirius a skeptical eye.

“I actually have an issue with this supposed break day,” Sirius announces, leading them back down the corridor. “Break day should mean no quidditch and no ‘prowling.’ I don’t think pranks should be included. Pranks are fun. One would argue… relaxing.” He arches a brow in James’ direction, watching as a grin slowly lifts up his cheeks. A real one, this time.

“Let’s get Moony,” Peter suggests, “he figured out the spell for the bath water.”

Sirius can breathe a little easier.