The Fall

Sirius has been waiting to go back to Hogwarts since the first day of summer vacation, and still he manages to leave his packing until the day of. He forces his overstuffed trunk closed and flicks the locks, then stands straight with a huff and blows a strand of hair away. He can’t keep the smile off his cheeks.

He can’t wait to be treated fairly again.

A name spoken from behind turns his smile to a scowl. He turns to face his mother, who stands in his doorway with her back straight and head held high, looking at Sirius down her nose; always full of misplaced pride.

“I know,” Sirius says, “I’m coming.” He turns to grab his trunk, but again his dead name grates against his ears. He cringes and wonders if he can obliviate that word from her vocabulary. Still, he squares his shoulders and turns to face her again.

“You’ll be coming home for Christmas vacation.” Walburga says. It’s a calm demand, but a demand nonetheless.

Sirius’ heart drops to his stomach. “What?” He asks, so quiet he’s unsure he even spoke. Walburga stares. She never repeats herself. Desperation crawls up Sirius’ throat, “Mother- I haven’t come back for vacation since I began Hogwarts. Why do I- No. I won’t.”

Walburga’s brow twitches. It’s the only tell on her otherwise blank face; she’s angry. “You will.” She says sternly.

“Why?” Sirius questions. He steps forward, but stays at arms distance. His hands curl into his chest, where disappointment and anxiety pool together. “Tell me why. Why would you want me back, all of a sudden? It doesn’t make-”

“Do not question me.” Walburga orders in sharp French. Sirius immediately retreats backwards. He eyes the pocket her wand is kept in. “You will return for Christmas vacation and that is all. Understood?” Her words are calm with an underlying threat.

Sirius sucks in a breath, but ultimately, nods. She has too much hanging over his head for him to disobey, and while he’s sure she won’t out him to the entire wizarding world out of embarrassment, she wouldn’t have a problem outing him to his friends. That was proven during the ball.

Walburga turns without another word, leaving Sirius to linger for a moment.

It’s just two weeks. He’s still going to Hogwarts, and he’ll return to Hogwarts afterwards.

It’s just two weeks.

With another breath, he picks up his trunk and hurries out of his room. Despite his best efforts, his mother’s demand sticks at the front of his mind all the way to Platform 9 ¾. Fear swirls his mind like a storm; he’s already so anxious for Christmas vacation and the school year hasn’t even begun yet.

The express ride passes by in a blur. He tries his best to stay in the moment, listen to his friends, but he keeps circling back to his mother. It’s entirely out of character. She hates Sirius. He doesn’t understand why she suddenly wants to keep him around- it must be a trick. A trap. Something.

A small part of him hopes maybe she’s changed. Maybe she’s decided to put effort into their shit relationship- to reach out to him. The blatant use of his dead name, however, tells him otherwise.

“Sirius?” Remus’ voice knocks him into the present, where they’re the last four in line for a carriage. Sirius blinks up at Remus. “All right?”

“Yeah,” Sirius waves him off and forces himself back to normalcy. “Just thinking about you.” He winks.

Remus rolls his eyes and clambers onto the carriage, after James and Peter, and Sirius follows behind. He slots himself strategically next to Remus so he can leach off his unending warmth- no matter how many layers Sirius wears he’s always so fucking cold. The carriage jolts before steadying out and creaks harshly any time they hit a bump. Sirius slouches in his spot and props his foot up on James and Peter’s seat as he forces himself to engage in conversation.

“So, anyway, at the Black’s gala with Lily?” James starts, swaying with the carriage. “You two disappeared but I SWEAR she was flirting with me all night.”

Sirius raises his eyebrows in disbelieving amusement. He looks at Remus, “Moony, what do you think? Do you believe him?”

“Absolutely not.” Remus drawls.

“Pete?” Sirius looks at Peter.

“I don’t know…” Peter mutters neutrally.

“You are all going to eat your words.” James declares. “She’s in love with me.”

“You’re projecting again,” Sirius says flatly.

James shoves Sirius’ foot off his seat, prompting Sirius to kick James in the shin. James kicks him right back, and before Sirius can jump up to tackle him, Remus clasps his hand around Sirius’ thigh to keep him still; sending a jolt of electricity right to Sirius’ stomach.

“Children,” Remus sighs, “behave.”

Sirius crosses his arms and glares at James, who sticks his tongue out just as the carriage comes to a halt. They tumble out of the carriage and into the cold autumn air. Sirius shivers the entire walk through the castle, and stays shivering even when they take their seats in the dining hall.

“You’d think they’d have a heating spell in the bloody castle,” Sirius mutters through chattering teeth.

“They do.” Remus says, but leans into Sirius’ shoulder regardless. James does the same to his other side, sandwiching Sirius with warmth.

“How are you always cold?” James questions, leaning over to watch a year one get sorted into Hufflepuff. “It’s warm in here.”

“I’m not.” Sirius defends immediately. “Moony, hold my hands.”

Again, Remus rolls his eyes at Sirius. “Hold your own hands.”

“You’re breaking my heart.” Sirius drawls. He shoves his fingers under his thighs as his legs bounce up and down. His bones are riddled with energy he never got to burn today. “Why does the sorting ceremony take so long? We just spent hours sitting on the train and now we’re forced to continue sitting. I’m going to go insane.”

“You just don’t know how to sit still,” Peter points out from across them.

“Point taken.” Sirius says.

“Quidditch practice will start next week.” James adds, not lifting his eyes from his food. “You’ll have to suffer till then.”

“That’s so far away.” Sirius groans. He shovels food into his mouth, and when the energy buzzing through his limbs becomes too much, he stands. “I’m going for a walk.”

Remus looks up at him. “Meet us back in the dorm?”

"Of course," Sirius presses two fingers to his temple in mock salute, then leaves.

He walks aimlessly around the castle for a while, stopping every so often to ensure old hideouts haven’t moved or changed since they’ve been gone, but he doesn’t bother checking all of them since he left the Marauders Map with James. A few minutes of mindless walking later, he finds himself standing in the clock tower. It’s cold this high up at this hour; it wasn’t built to have people in it this late. Still, Sirius lifts himself onto the circular ledge and peers out the clock’s face.

Without the distraction of his friends’ bickering, it becomes impossible to ignore the fear still circling his mind. He glances around to ensure no teachers are about, and lights a cigarette. The nicotine fuzzes his brain, but unfortunately, it’s not enough to quiet the questions swirling around up there. He despises how much control his mother has over him over something as small as a demand.

He tries to stay tethered to the present, but now he’s hyper aware of his breathing and how shallow it’s gotten, and how the binding around his chest won’t let him inhale proper breaths, and how this Christmas will come so fast and- in a desperate attempt to regain some control, he puts his cigarette out on his forearm; right next to the trail of identical ones already there. His breath hitches and heart stutters as familiar pain zips up his arm; a short burst of adrenaline fizzes his brain. He relaxes with a long breath as it slowly starts to burn less. When the pain fades entirely, he flicks the bud away and rubs the ash off his arm. There’s already a burn bubble forming on the damaged skin.

He’s half tempted to light another cigarette just to put it out again, but the sound of footsteps make him yank his sleeve down just as Remus peers around the corner, and when his eyes find Sirius he breaks into a smile.

“Hey, you.” He says. The old wood planks creak under Remus’ feet as he walks towards Sirius.

“Hey yourself.” Sirius watches Remus sit across from him.

Remus bends his legs between both of Sirius’ as he gets comfortable. “You said you’d meet us in the dorm.”

“I got distracted.” Sirius shrugs halfheartedly. It already feels warmer with Remus here.

Remus nods and glances out the window, then brings his calculating stare back to Sirius. He hesitates, as if trying to read Sirius, before asking, “All right?” When Sirius looks at him strange, Remus says, “you’ve been weirdly quiet.”

Sirius raises his brows in amusement. “Saying you miss my voice, Moony?” He asks, amused.

Pink dusts across Remus’ cheeks. “In your dreams, Black.” He bites back. He nudges his foot against Sirius’ calf. “Really, though. Did something happen?”

Oh, Remus, always able to read Sirius like an open book. A terrifying thing for a man with so many secrets.

Sighing, Sirius starts another cigarette. “Mum wants me home for Christmas break.”

Sirius feels him go still. “Oh?” Remus asks. “That’s… odd.”

Sirius inhales a breath of smoke, “Severely.”

“Maybe… it’s nothing.” Remus tries.

Sirius gives him a look. “Walburga wouldn’t demand me home for nothing. She’s planning something.” He scowls.

“Like what?”

Sirius frowns. He stares down at the cherry of his cigarette. “I don’t know.”

“Just… don’t go.” Remus suggests. “You’ll be eighteen by then, anyway.”

Sirius falters. He glances away a moment, “I… can’t.” He mutters.

“Why not?”

Sirius drops his head against the cobble. He can’t tell Remus what exactly he’s scared of. He can’t tell him the weight of secrets that hang over his head; that his mother would have no problem cutting the strings holding them there, so long as the backlash doesn’t hit her or the family. It’s a delicate balance they hold: Sirius has the power to ‘ruin the Black name,’ whereas Walburga has the power to destroy what little he has.

“Can’t.” Sirius mutters finally, dragging his eyes off Remus and outside the tower. The moon hangs low in the sky, it will be full in only a few days. Remus already has deep circles under his eyes; already feeling its effects.

Remus shifts, catching Sirius’ attention just in time to watch him pull out his own cigarette and lean into Sirius’ space. Sirius watches, frozen with his cigarette still between his lips, as Remus lights his cigarette with the cherry of Sirius’; he’s so close the smell of chocolate and parchment overpowers the smell of nicotine.

Remus looks up at Sirius through pale lashes and Sirius is sure his heart has stopped entirely for a moment. It’s rare Remus ever meets his eyes, but when he does Sirius gets lost in them. They’re so dark during this time of day, like pools of ink, but the light from the cherries dances around them like flame on oil.

As fast as he’s there he’s gone. Sirius watches him slump back into his spot; long fingers bring the stick to strawberry lips as Remus inhales a long breath of smoke, and Sirius is still sat frozen with heart is stuttering in his chest, and he’s really not sure why. He brings his hand over his heart like he can physically keep it in place.

Remus blinks at him. “What is it?” He asks, releasing a long cloud of smoke as he does. Sirius briefly wonders if his werewolf hearing is good enough to hear how fast his heart is thumping.

“I… don’t know.” Sirius answers, honest. He’s so distracted by his confusing thoughts and even more confusing reaction that he doesn’t realize his cigarette has burned down to its filter until pain shoots up his fingers. Sirius jumps and drops it, then stomps on the bud. What a waste of nicotine.

Remus takes another drag from his, staring at Sirius in amusement. “Rendered Sirius Black speechless, have I?” He muses. “What a feat.”

Sirius rolls his eyes with a scoff. “You wish.” He mutters halfheartedly, still a little lost. He forces himself to his feet. “Come on, Moony. You need sleep.”

Remus groans. “I really don’t,” he whines, but stands regardless. He snuffs his cigarette out on the cobble and yawns. “It’s so cruel that the full moon is this early in the month.”

“It’s not that early.” Sirius points out. “It’s on a weekend, too, so we won’t have to sneak out of class to come see you.”

Remus hums, following Sirius out of the clock tower. “I suppose.”

“Next month we’ll probably be able to join you during full moons, too.” Sirius adds with a smirk.

“Don’t remind me,” Remus grunts and rubs the bridge of his nose like he already has a headache. “You’re all assholes for starting that behind my back, you know.”

“You never would have agreed to it if we told you.” Sirius shrugs, unfazed.

“Yes, because it’s dangerous.”

“Danger is fun,”

“No.” Remus argues. “I could kill you.”

Sirius stares at him blankly. “I’m shaking in my boots.” He drawls sarcastically.

“You should be.” Remus huffs. “I don’t have control when I’m-” He cuts himself off and clenches his jaw; deep shame leaks onto his face, and it makes Sirius frown.

“Moony,” Sirius stops and steps in front of Remus. “This is our choice. We want to make this easier for you, okay? You don’t deserve to go through that alone.”

Remus frowns. “It’s such an unnecessary risk.” He mutters. “I’m fine with just having you there afterwards.”

“Nothing is unnecessary when it comes to you,” Sirius says, voice soft.

Remus stares at him, unconvinced.

“You’d do the same if it were any of us.” Sirius adds pointedly.

Remus relents with a sigh. “I guess.” He mutters, glancing to the side. “Doesn’t mean I have to endorse it.”

Sirius shrugs and turns, continuing down the corridor with Remus in tow. “We started without your endorsement and we can finish without it.” He says. “You’ll feel better about it after your first night.”

“Don’t get your hopes up.”

Sirius grins up at him. “Too late.”

“Just-” Remus grabs Sirius’ shoulder, forcing him to turn. His brows are pinched together with worry. “Don’t die, okay?”

Sirius rolls his eyes fondly and clasps his hand over Remus’. “We won’t.” He assures. “I promise.”