The Men They Became
That Sirius Black had been a reckless man for most of his life was something that went without saying, but Severus was still overcome by the sheer audacity of his presence right now in the circular headmaster’s study that he would never be able to consider his own. The last thing that either of them had seen before they were whisked away by the portkey was Harry’s bottle green eyes full of alarm at the potential ramifications of both of them leaving him now to go where Voldemort could turn up at any moment, and if that wasn’t enough to make Sirius reconsider his choices, then Severus didn’t know what to think.
“Go back,” he said coldly, prying his hand out of Sirius’s firm grip. His fingers wrapped tightly around the blue marble that Dumbledore had charmed for safe transport between this office and the manor where Harry was surely right now losing his mind.
“I can’t,” Sirius said calmly, ignoring the marble in Severus’s hand that he had held out for him to take.
“What do you mean ‘you can’t’?” Severus asked angrily. “Selfishly racing here for a thrill at that boy’s expense…what’s the matter with you?”
Sirius didn’t answer. He turned away and went over to the desk to set down the sword of Gryffindor that he had brought with him from home. Why exactly he had, Severus didn’t even want to consider, as images of Sirius jumping out from behind a suit of armour to yield the sword at the enormous snake, only to get immediately struck down himself by a killing curse, nonetheless filled his mind. And Severus knew that he needed to get control of the situation before anything close to that happened. For he would do anything to prevent Harry from suffering another devastating loss in his life if he could at all help it.
“Why is he never around when we need him?” Sirius complained and, in spite of himself, Severus walked across the office to stand next to him in front of Dumbledore’s portrait. A feeling of dread weighing upon him immediately as he took in the painted backdrop of the canvas that was otherwise empty. Dumbledore apparently had decided to temporarily vacate the premises in search of a different scene in a place unknown.
“Severus?” Sirius asked questioningly, when Severus continued to stare blankly at the empty portrait feeling both confused and abandoned in this most crucial hour.
“Will you just go?” Severus almost begged. “You can't leave Harry alone like this right now. He's bound to do something stupid.”
“He’s not alone and nobody there is going to let him leave,” Sirius replied. “I know I’m meant to be here right now and you won’t change my mind. Now, don’t you think we should evacuate the school? Let’s get everyone out before he comes to check on the Horcrux. When do you think he’ll be here?”
“I don’t think I’ll know until he’s standing at Hogwarts' gate waiting for me to let him in,” Severus replied stiffly, silently agreeing that the first thing that should be done was to warn the few summer residents to get out of the way while there was still time.
Once the Dark Lord learned that his Horcruxes had been taken, his fury and fear were going to surpass anything that had ever been seen from him before. Nobody in his vicinity would be safe, no matter how valued and trusted they presumed themselves to be. Severus hoped that these signs of desperation would mean that the end was nearly there. He felt it in his soul that the time had come for direct action, but without guidance from Dumbledore he had no idea how to proceed.
He wordlessly followed Sirius out of the office and down the circular stairs into the corridor below, which was dimly lit by hanging torches that left eerie shadows flickering on the walls. The sky outside was pitch black with nary a star or a glimpse of the moon available. Severus wanted to argue more about the lack of necessity in Sirius assuming the same risks that he was conditioned to, but he knew it would be a waste of his breath.
He decided against sharing just how difficult it had been for him to even look in Harry’s direction before they’d taken the Portkey, worried that he would lose the resolve to leave if he did. Knowing perfectly well that he might not live to see tomorrow, though it hurt him to accept that there were things that mattered just as much as their family and Harry having him for a present father in his life. If something went wrong and that couldn’t happen, Severus wanted to at least rest assured that Sirius would not be going anywhere and now he hadn’t even managed to do that.
“PEEVES!” a familiar voice roared, as they walked past the trophy room and were met by loud cackling and the sound of objects being thrown about. Within seconds, Argus Filch had come hobbling down the hall from the opposite end towards them in a long grey nightshirt and cap.
“Professor,” he muttered, coming to an immediate halt at the sight of Severus standing there with Sirius.
Filch looked rather taken-aback and frightened, although they had always gotten on well enough before. As Peeves continued to make a wreck of the trophy room, Severus had been given an abrupt reminder about how most of the wizarding world perceived him as a traitor and an enemy secondary only to Voldemort. He was almost able to forget about that for the past couple of days tucked away in the outskirts of Ottery St Catchpole with his family, and even people willing to accept him and assume the best of him without knowing all the details.
“Listen carefully, Filch,” Severus said quietly, coming closer to the older man and ignoring the way he seemed to shirk a little at each step he took. “We can assume that there is going to be an invasion of this school very soon. I suggest that you get yourself out, but first I want you to alert Sybil Trelawney in her tower and then the house elves in the kitchen. Tell them that they have permission from the headmaster to hide or flee - whatever they choose. Is that understood?”
Filch began bumbling some sort of incoherent response that Severus did not bother to wait around to hear the end of. He continued down the corridor, leaving the caretaker in his wake as Sirius walked quickly to catch up to him, not knowing or caring if anyone should find it suspicious that they were working together right now. Although a few minutes later they decided to split up to cover more ground.
“Tell Hagrid to leave for the manor,” Severus instructed, “and then go with him. There’s nothing else for you to do here.”
Rather than answer, Sirius took the opportunity to transform into the great black dog. He sniffed at the tall exterior door in the entrance hall, then wagged his tail in thanks when Severus conceded to open it for him. Anything to move him along faster, was agreeable to Severus right now. He rubbed absentmindedly on his sleeve where the mark was burned into him after Sirius was gone. Then turned to head in the direction of Gryffindor Tower. Knowing perfectly well that Minerva McGonagall would most certainly be in the quarters she so rarely vacated, even in the summertime.
“I’ve been afraid to go near your office or try to talk to you since you came back,” Minerva informed him, waiting until they were securely hidden behind a locked door before she nearly threw herself into his arms in an uncharacteristic display of affection. “Are you alright?”
“Yes, I’m fine,” Severus replied, reciprocating her embrace with equal enthusiasm, not quite willing to put into words just how much her visit to Spinner’s End after the funeral had meant to him. “I haven’t even been here for the past couple of days. Dumbledore left me a portkey to slip out of the office without notice, so I've been with Harry.”
It seemed so strange to think that an hour ago he had been sitting around a campfire surrounded by more friends than he had ever had in his life. Savouring a warm night under a summer sky, content in knowing that he had a son who was happy, safe, and getting to feel like the normal boy Severus wished he could be all of the time. Getting to be preoccupied with things as far removed from the Dark Lord as it was possible to be, just before everything had come crashing down on them again.
“I’ve only returned tonight because I think Hogwarts is in danger,” Severus explained, taking a step back from her but holding her scrutinizing gaze. “The Gringotts Goblins have just discovered that Dumbledore broke into the Lestranges’ vault before he died. They will be informing them as we speak.”
Minerva’s eyes widened in horror as she raised her hand to her mouth. “Which means that You Know Who -”
“ - will know that Dumbledore stole and presumably destroyed his Horcrux, yes,” Severus finished for her. “He might even know already. You have to leave the school before he gets here to discover that the Diadem has also been taken. Your closeness to Dumbledore is well-known and he’ll interrogate you under torture if you’re still here when he arrives.”
She nodded her head briskly as she brushed her loose hair off of her face. Dressed in her nightgown with tartan slippers on her feet - the resolve in her eyes made her look anything but ready for bed right now. She looked sharp and determined, like she had already been trying to make up her mind about something and had just been handed the last bit of information that she’d needed.
“And what are you going to do?” she asked him.
Severus gave a bit of a helpless shrug as his eyes glittered from nerves. He didn’t know what was supposed to happen next and had been expecting Dumbledore’s portrait to have answers for him when he returned. He still had no idea why Dumbledore would leave him with nothing when he was needed most.
“Severus…” Minerva prodded him warningly, looking worried.
“The snake is still alive,” Severus informed her. “I have to kill it and then he will know that I’m not his and I’ll have to -”
Minerva’s lips had thinned so dramatically that she seemed in danger of losing them all together. “How long until he gets here?”
“Five minutes? An hour? Tomorrow?” Severus answered impatiently. “How am I supposed to know? Presumably he will want to check every hiding place, this could be his first or final stop.”
“Very well,” Minerva said in a clipped tone, “but listen closely to me, Severus, because this is important.” She looked suddenly as stern as if he were still one of her students. “Under no circumstances are you to blow your cover. Dumbledore made that very clear.”
“Then how do you think I’m going to finish this?” Severus asked quietly.
“But you’re not going to,” Minerva replied, in an equally quiet voice. “Severus - it’s Harry who is going to determine what happens next, not you.”
“Harry?” Severus shook his head. “No..there is absolutely no need to involve -”
“Yes, there is,” Minerva interrupted him. “Harry is the answer to everything, whether you’re ready to see it that way yet or not. Dumbledore always knew that it would have to be Harry in the end and that is why he didn't instruct you on what should happen going forward from this point. That's not your job.”
Her lips pursed and with a turn on the ball of her feet as though she considered the subject closed, Minerva walked into her bedroom with Severus quick to follow. He watched as she pulled out a key that was hung on a chain around her neck, concealed always by her clothing. She’d been wearing a secret for however long, waiting perhaps for this exact moment when he would come to her and need it revealed.
“Albus gave me very clear instructions,” Minerva said, with her back to him as she crouched down on the floor and turned the key in the locked drawer of the nightstand beside her bed. “I was to wait until both Hogwarts and the Ministry were under You Know Who’s control, until Potter became the most wanted person in Britain, and until both sides began to prepare for battle - just like you appear to be doing right now.”
“Yes,” Severus pressed, as she pulled open the drawer and he found himself actually holding his breath as he waited to see what was inside.
“Albus told me that once those conditions were met that I was to give Harry this,” Minerva said in a tight voice, taking a sealed envelope out of the drawer and then using the edge of her nightstand to pull herself back up to her feet.
“Give me that,” Severus ordered coldly, but Minerva continued to hold it close to her heart and refused him.
“It’s not for you,” she said shortly. “I was told to give it to Harry and him alone.”
“What happened to honesty?” Severus asked bitterly, continuing to stare at the letter in her hand as though it were a ticking time-bomb he expected to explode at any moment. "What happened to working together?"
This was something of his worst nightmare, to be undermined in his urgency to protect Harry and keep him out of the war as much as possible. Now he knew why Dumbledore’s portrait had been so firm the other day in insisting that it would be impossible to keep Harry hidden forever. Dumbledore had already taken steps to ensure that his plans would be carried out above all else.
“I do think that Albus told you as much as he could,” Minerva replied.
“Do you know what he wrote?” Severus asked quietly, his determination to go against Dumbledore’s wants already weakening as he kept his eyes glued on the letter and continued to resist the urge to rip it out of her hands and destroy it before it ever reached its intended recipient.
“No, I don’t,” Minerva answered sincerely.
Severus nodded as a desperate sound escaped from his lips before he could prevent it. How he hated being wrong and especially about the person that meant the most to him. But even more than not wanting to be mistaken or told he wouldn’t be enough going forward, he was scared out of his mind that Harry would come to a harm that he would not be able to save him from. Yet, he would not interfere when it came to Harry receiving his letter because he knew that whatever Dumbledore had written was important and necessary, even though it certainly could not mean anything good. It would be Harry’s turn to make the hard calls.
“Albus was beside himself about this,” Minerva said, blinking her eyes rapidly as she continued to hold the letter tightly. “You know that the last thing he would ever have wanted to do was hurt either one of you.”
“Do I know that?” Severus asked sarcastically.
Minerva pursed her lips. “He did his best and whatever this letter says is not Albus’s fault. If there was any other way than surely he would have found it. Albus worked with what he was given even when it broke his heart to do so. You should know that he begged me with tears in his eyes not to think less of him when I learned what must be done.”
“He knew better than to ask that of me,” Severus remarked bitingly, though deep down he was already blaming himself much more than Dumbledore. He had been the one to reveal the prophecy to the Dark Lord and set this course into motion, which Harry would continue to pay the price for. And there was nothing that he could do about it.
“Severus - I have to go,” Minerva said firmly. “I’m going to follow Dumbledore’s orders and give this letter to Harry tonight.”
Severus didn’t say anything, but he stepped out of the way so that she could pass. The drawer of her nightstand remained unlocked and it didn’t matter because its dark secret had already been released. Severus didn’t know what exactly it would invoke but he knew that it would soon be a very different world than the one he had woken up to that morning. He watched as Minerva reached for her cloak and slipped it on over her nightgown. The last glimpse of the letter Severus received was it being tucked into her pocket.
“Don’t give yourself away,” Minerva reminded him, as she walked over to her desk and took out a jar of floo powder, coating her fingers in it as she scooped out a handful. Until now, Severus hadn't even realized that her fire was still connected to the one at the manor, but of course Dumbledore would have ensured that she had easy access to Harry all along.
“Convincing him that you’re his is more important than ever right now,” Minerva continued. “Dumbledore told you to stay in his good graces for as long as possible and that is where Harry needs you the most - remember that. You’re doing all this for him.”
Severus couldn’t bring himself to speak. His mouth was dry and his throat felt like it was coated in sandpaper. Minerva looked at him worriedly one final time as she stepped into the fire. It glowed green as she spoke her directives and then was taken far away from Hogwarts and Harry would receive no advanced warning. Although Severus presumed that Harry would take the news much better than he was. He might even be relieved that Dumbledore had given him a responsibility that surely neither of his fathers would have agreed to.
“You’re not supposed to still be here,” Severus said, with as much venom as he could muster after he’d walked back across the castle to his study and discovered Sirius sitting in the throne-like chair behind the desk that Dumbledore had always occupied.
“I couldn’t do it,” Sirius admitted. “But I sent Hagrid along to Harry with a message - and he promised to take care of Buckbeak for me as well.”
“Do I look like I care about that right now?” Severus said angrily, pacing restlessly across the floor and looking out the window into the still black night. Feeling frantic about something he didn’t even know the details about yet. Feeling Sirius’s eyes upon him and knowing that he deserved the same information as himself.
“Minerva was given a letter from Dumbledore to hold onto before he died, and she just left the castle to deliver it to Harry,” Severus shared quietly, turning around to face Sirius who did not look as alarmed right now as he soon would be.
“What does it say?” Sirius asked slowly.
“I have no idea,” Severus replied, staring at the still empty portrait and imagining himself taking it off the wall and chucking it into the fire so that he would never have to look into those twinkling blue eyes again and pretend that they had any respect for him whatsoever. “It must detail something that Dumbledore knew better than to give me a head’s up about.”
Sirius looked mildly more troubled, but still not surprised. “Well, Dumbledore always did exactly what he wanted,” he leaned forward in his chair and there was a crease between his eyebrows as he frowned. “That doesn’t mean that Harry, you, or I have to listen…”
Severus shook his head. “Dumbledore wouldn’t have left something to Harry if he didn’t have to.”
“Are you absolutely sure about that?” Sirius asked doubtfully. “You’re not afraid that Dumbledore just wanted to give Harry a chance to prove himself and try his strength? Because I think he’s trying to manipulate Harry into being a martyr. And I can say that because he's done the same thing with you.”
“That’s not true,” Severus retorted.
“Oh no?” Sirius raised his eyebrows as he sat up a bit straighter in his chair. “Because that’s exactly why I’m unwilling to leave you right now. No, it’s not because I’m selfish and wanted a thrill over being there for my son! It’s because I saw the way you looked back at home when Bill dropped this news on us all. You’d get yourself killed just to try and end things. When it’s not worth it…when we’ll find another way.”
“Even if Harry is the only alternate way?” Severus asked coldly.
“I don’t believe it,” Sirius insisted, rising up with such force behind the movement that the chair nearly toppled over. “There’s always something and you and I will figure it out together. To hell with Dumbledore’s plans. Frankly, I’ve never come out better for listening to that man. Can you say differently?”
“That’s not what this is about,” Severus was squaring off with Sirius now. Resentful of being put in the position to defend Dumbledore’s manipulations concerning their son, but believing it all necessary for he trusted Dumbledore with everything he had. “My agreements with Dumbledore have never been about what’s better for me, but about me making up for the terrible thing that I did.”
“That’s exactly what I mean when I said that Dumbledore manipulated you into being a martyr,” Sirius said loudly, drawing nearer to him now so that the desk was no longer a barrier between them. “You joined the Death Eaters and then bravely turned your back on them, but Dumbledore somehow convinced you to believe that you deserve to be punished for the remainder of your life to his own advantage.”
“Dumbledore gave me a second chance in exchange for me becoming his spy,” Severus told him in a quiet voice. “And I don’t intend to back out on that now.”
“What did he have on you then?” Sirius demanded. “What did you do that you still feel so terrible about that a dead man can manipulate you into supporting his use of Harry, in a way that we both were against?”
Severus leaned his back against the window he was still standing in front of. This was hardly the inner demon he’d been expecting to have to confront right now, having thought it was done and buried when he’d made his confession to Harry and somehow worked past it to keep a place in his life. Severus had thought he was moving towards forgiving himself for his greatest transgression, but all it took was a question like that from Sirius and Severus knew that he had not moved on at all. He still hated himself as much as he ever did and felt entirely undeserving of all that he’d received.
“I never asked Harry to keep it a secret from you,” Severus said, tugging nervously on the sleeve of his cloak. “He made the decision on his own, in the hopes of trying to keep the peace between us, I guess.”
“You and I have moved well beyond just keeping the peace, as you should acknowledge,” Sirius retorted. “I tell you everything and you’ve become very important to me. Whatever happened in the past doesn’t matter.”
“It changes everything,” Severus said, with a calmness that only a man already resigned to losing the best parts of his life would be able to maintain.
“It doesn’t have to,” Sirius insisted, moving closer still so that Severus felt like there was truly no escape. “I’m in no position to judge.”
“Oh really?” Severus said. “Well let's just see about that. You’re not going to judge me for being the reason why the Potters were targeted in the first place?”
He waited for a retaliation but there wasn’t one. Sirius was still staring him directly in the eye. Not blinking. Not reacting. Just waiting for him to say more.
“I didn’t go to Dumbledore because I’d realized the error of my ways,” Severus continued, tugging on his sleeve so that it reached down to his knuckles now. “I went to Dumbledore for help when I discovered that the Dark Lord had interpreted the prophecy to mean Lily’s son - which sounds more noble than it is because the Dark Lord only learned about that prophecy from me telling him about it.”
Sirius continued to stare blankly back at him. It might have been better to be struck in the face than have to look at him and know that he’d just ruined everything that they’d built together. Though to be fair, the walls already seemed to be coming down around them with the letter that Harry was possibly reading right now.
“If the prophecy had gotten someone else targeted then I would have just kept on as I was,” Severus kept digging himself a deeper hole because he was so tired of living this lie and pretending to be less despicable than he was. “I only switched sides to protect Lily and her family, even though it didn't matter -she and James still died.”
When Sirius still said nothing, Severus decided that he couldn’t take the silence for a moment longer. Still tugging on his sleeve and almost wishing the Dark Lord would show up now to give him what he deserved, Severus moved back from the wall and knew he needed to get away.
“So you don’t have to feel guilty anymore for almost getting me killed at school,” Severus said, walking over to the steps that would lead into the next room and noticing how Sirius had turned around to keep him in his line of sight. “Just be sorry that it didn’t work. James shouldn’t have pulled me back at the last second. I’d have been dead and none of this would have ever happened. Everyone would have been better off. It's all my fault”
In some ways it felt good to get all of it out. He’d been suppressing it ever since Sirius had apologized to him without knowing what Severus had become. If he’d known the full story then he wouldn’t feel so terrible about harming and terrorizing a person that deserved it. Which Severus knew he definitely did because none of the things he had done since to atone for that mistake had made the remotest difference. If he’d succeeded in keeping Harry safe and well and hidden, then perhaps he could have finally forgiven himself. But that was never going to happen when Dumbledore had different plans.
In the living room off the office, Severus pulled on his sleeve so hard that it finally ripped. In frustration he took off his cloak and tossed it onto the chair. Staring at it and breathing hard, when he suddenly felt a firm hand on his shoulder.
“I would have gone to Azkaban for attempted murder if Dumbledore hadn’t been so quick to cover the whole thing up,” Sirius said, his breath hitting the base of Severus’s neck. “I used Remus’s condition as a weapon against a boy who never deserved a damn thing that I did to him. Don’t ask me to take the moral high ground right now because I’m not going to do it.”
This entirely unexpected response left Severus with no clue on how to react. He glanced back and regretted it immediately. Seeing that Sirius’s eyes were full of tears and that he had caused them, because ultimately in the end, nothing else counted beyond the pain he had brought into this world. He looked away, staring blankly at his torn cloak and noticing that Sirius still hadn’t removed his hand from his shoulder.
“Even in death, James would roll his eyes at me if I tried to pretend I hadn't messed up just as badly as you,” Sirius proceeded to say. “It would mean that learning the truth about Regulus hadn't really taught me anything. My intent was worse, even if I was lucky that someone stepped in before I took your life.”
Now it was Severus who responded with silence. Reckoning with Sirius the harm that both of them had put into the world. Accepting that there was solace in acknowledging that they both were despicable in their intertwined stories, but that they both had grown into men that were not everything that Harry deserved, but loved unconditionally by him anyway because everyone was worthy of love. As his hesitation to speak or turn around again grew, as he felt Sirius moving closer to him and reaching around him with his arms, listening as an uncontrollable sob escaped from the back of his throat. Severus remained standing as perfectly still as a statue while Sirius buried his tearful face in the crevice of his neck and the arms wrapped around him tightened.
“I really am sorry,” Severus said after a few minutes.
“So am I,” Sirius replied.
“My biggest regret….” Severus’s voice trailed off and he couldn’t continue, but he didn’t need to. Anyone who would go to the lengths that he had done to try and make up for their sins, was of course regretful. “I never wanted -”
Severus suddenly felt the Dark Mark burn fiercely against his skin like a hot poker. He flinched, bringing his marked arm up to his chest protectively as Sirius stepped back from him in alarm.
“Is he calling?” Sirius asked worriedly. “Is he here now?”
“No,” Severus said through gritted teeth, as the heat grew more intense so that he could imagine his skin to be on literal fire right now. “It’s his anger, power, strength. I don’t think he’s here yet - but he knows.”
The Dark Lord had certainly just learned about Dumbledore’s assault on one of his Horcruxes. He’d be on his way. Maybe in a matter of seconds, maybe not until tomorrow, but certainly he would come and then there would be nothing left to do besides react. To follow a plan that placed Harry somewhere they certainly would not want to be.
He locked eyes with Sirius and could tell he understood. He did not object when Sirius reached for his branded arm and began gently rolling his sleeve up, sucking his teeth when he saw the mark burned a bloody red instead of its usual black. "Severus, I think there's something comforting about finding a person just as fucked up as yourself to go through life with - even to die with. I'm not leaving you. I never will."