What Lily Saw
Owls flying overhead delivering the morning post was a normal part of life at Hogwarts but Severus was quite certain that he had never seen them in this number before. Walking into the Great Hall for breakfast a couple of weeks after he’d returned to work, Severus was alarmed at the swarm of owls around Harry, who sat at the Gryffindor table busily opening countless letters with some help from his friends.
“What on earth is going on over there?” Severus said, as he took his seat at the head table next to Minerva McGonagall.
She was positively beaming with happiness, an unusual sight under any circumstance. “It’s taking everything in me to not go over there and start reading letters myself,” Minerva said giddily.
“What is he getting fan mail delivered to school now?” Severus asked in exasperation, just as Hagrid threw back his head and let out a loud sob from the chair on Minerva’s other side. The force of the half-giant’s sudden movement made the whole table shake and a pitcher of pumpkin juice almost tipped onto Severus’s lap as he stared at Hagrid reproachfully.
“So brave, Harry,” Hagrid said emotionally, taking out his large tablecloth size handkerchief and blowing his nose into it in a most undignified fashion. “That’ll teach ‘em who they’re messin’ with. And Dumbledore swore he had nothin to do with any of it.”
“Thank goodness for that or the Ministry would undoubtedly already be on their way here to arrest Albus,” Minerva said crisply, as she reached over for the magazine Hagrid had just finished reading and slid it down the table to Severus. “Potter must have done this on the last Hogsmeade weekend.”
Severus stared down at the copy of The Quibbler in front of him with confusion. Instead of the cover being dedicated to the usual conspiracy theories and fantasies of Xenophilius Lovegood, he was looking at a picture of Harry that had been taken during the Triwizard Tournament last year. “Harry Potter Speaks Out at Last: The Truth About He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and the Night I Saw Him Return”, the headline read. Severus picked up the magazine in both hands and flipped through it quickly to find the lengthy interview that Harry had given to Rita Skeeter.
“Did you know about this, Severus?” Minerva asked.
Severus just shook his head. He didn’t know anything that was going on with Harry these days. They barely spoke anymore and when they did it was uncomfortable. As it naturally would be, considering that Harry now knew the worst part of him. Sometimes Severus wished that he had done as Dumbledore instructed and kept his past a secret. Other times he almost relished in the pain of losing Harry because he knew it was no less than what he deserved.
“He did so good,” Minerva said proudly, and Severus silently agreed with her. Even though it felt like his insides had withered more and more with each passing sentence. The interview detailed everything that Severus already knew, but also everything he didn’t at the same time. Seeing Harry’s experience written in black and white made his suffering all the more pronounced, and Severus felt a pang of regret to realize that he probably could have done more to help Harry process everything he’d endured. Though that opportunity was lost to him now.
“He’s got guts,” Hagrid said proudly.
“And some more people convinced too, hopefully,” Minerva added, smiling down at her cluster of Gryffindors while Luna Lovegood, of Ravenclaw, skipped across the floor to join them. “They look to be having too much fun to only be getting hateful responses.”
“I just hope she don’t give ‘em a hard time,” Hagrid grumbled, eyeing Dolores Umbridge nervously as she walked into the Great Hall.
Severus kept his expression impassive as he poured himself a cup of coffee and took a muffin from the basket to his right. All the while more owls continued to arrive for Harry, screeching and pecking loudly at one another in their hurry to deliver their own letters first. Umbridge could hardly fail to notice all the comotion. She smoothed down the skirt of her pink dress and walked over to Harry with a fake smile plastered on her face.
“Oh, just give me a reason,” Minerva sniffed, half rising out of her chair protectively. Beside her, Severus did not react aside from craning his ear to try and make out some of the conversation at the Gryffindor table. Though this interview went completely against everything he had been saying to Harry all year about laying low and keeping his mouth shut around Umbridge, he couldn’t help but be impressed.
“Is that a crime now?” said Fred Weasley loudly. “Getting mail?” His voice carried throughout the hall and drew the attention of every person present.
“Exactly,” Minerva said seethingly. “Potter didn’t do anything wrong. He’s quite free to speak to whomever he pleases and this didn’t even occur on the Hogwarts grounds.”
“I’m pretty sure that’s not going to make a bit of difference right now,” Severus said calmly, watching Harry toss the magazine directly at Umbridge. Her face had turned an ugly, patchy violet as her tiny eyes poured over the interview. Severus actually found himself holding his breath as he waited for the inevitable explosion.
“There will be no more Hogsmeade trips for you, Mr. Potter,” said Umbridge in her high pitched girly voice. “How you dare….how you could…..” She took a deep breath. “I have tried again and again to teach you not to tell lies. The message, apparently, has still not sunk in. Fifty points from Gryffindor and another week’s worth of detentions.”
“Ridiculous,” Minerva snapped, rising once again out of her seat.
“Sit down before you get yourself put on probation,” Severus cautioned quietly, gently drawing his hand around her bony wrist. He never took his eyes off Harry, who suddenly surprised Severus by turning to look directly at him for the first time in at least a week.
“It’s not worth it, Professor McGonagall,” Hagrid shook his head mournfully. “Won’t do any good and yeh don’t want to end up like me.”
McGonagall huffed impatiently as she sat back down resignedly. While next to her, Severus discreetly lifted the copy of The Quibbler up behind Umbridge’s back, so that Harry would see that he had read it. Severus gave him a subtle nod of approval and received a small smile in return. Harry continued to stare at him for another long moment until he finally looked away, and Severus swallowed a lump in his throat. That was the most he’d gotten from Harry since he’d returned to Hogwarts.
Severus had been wallowing in the full throttles of his depression since the night he had told Harry about his part in what had happened to James and Lily Potter. He felt like he was lagging, with not enough energy to get through the day. Exhausted, even though he’d only just woken up.
Severus was full of revulsion for himself and drained from the realization that everything he gave and sacrificed to bring an end to the Dark Lord would never be enough. Lily would still be dead, and now Severus was grieving his estrangement from her son, who he’d come to consider his own. It took everything Severus had to just continue putting one foot in front of the other, and fortunately he was a master at keeping people from knowing what he truly thought.
“I’ll probably be gettin’ the sack any day now,” Hagrid said gloomily.
“Try not to worry,” Minerva whispered, because Umbridge was now coming their way with Harry’s copy of The Quibbler clutched tightly to her chest. “Albus would never let that happen to you.”
“Have you forgotten, Trelawney?” Severus asked her under his breath. Just last week Umbridge had fired the Divination professor in what only could be considered a public spectacle. The entire school had been alerted and gathered around to watch Umbridge dismiss and try to evict Sybil Trelawney from the Hogwarts grounds.
“I better go feed Fang,” Hagrid muttered, shoving an entire platter of bacon into a pocket of his moleskin coat before standing up. He walked away in a hurry before he could be forced to greet Umbridge, but Severus and McGonagall were not as quick.
“Good morning, Dolores,” Minerva greeted her coldly, but Umbridge was currently too livid to even pretend with the pleasantries.
“Did you have something to do with this?” she demanded shrilly, shaking the rolled up magazine in McGonagall’s face. “Did Dumbledore put Potter up to this? I will not tolerate such attacks upon the Ministry!”
“The Ministry has ten escaped Death Eaters on the loose,” Minerva said sharply. “I’m sure they’re preoccupied with much more important things than what a fifteen year old boy says in a silly magazine….or at least, I should hope they are.”
“So you deny any involvement?” Umbridge said angrily.
“Certainly,” Minerva replied. “I had no idea Potter was going to speak publicly about his experience, but if you’re waiting for me to be upset about it….”
“That’s treason,” Umbridge gasped dramatically, clutching her hand over her heart.
“No, that’s just the truth,” Minerva snapped. Severus avoided looking at McGonagall as he kept his lips pressed tightly together and added a spoonful of sugar to his coffee.
“You’re trying to undermine the Ministry and the Minister himself by refusing to discipline the members of your house, Minerva,” Umbridge said, with her short, stubby finger pointed accusingly at her.
“Potter didn’t break any school rules,” Minerva insisted, standing back up and this time Severus did not bother to intervene.
“Potter shouldn’t even be allowed at this school,” Umbridge exclaimed in her little-girlish voice. “But I will get through to him if it’s the last thing I do.”
“Good luck with that, Professor,” Severus said smoothly, while he absentmindedly stirred his undrunk coffee. “I’ve been trying to get through to Potter for the past five years. Unfortunately, he is so arrogant that criticism simply bounces right off of him. You are wasting energy and giving him exactly what he wants - more attention.”
If it were possible, Umbridge’s face purpled even more at his words. “Nobody is to read this,” she proclaimed, and she ripped the magazine into pieces so that they littered the floor at her feet. “I want you both to confiscate any copy of The Quibbler you see in this castle. Do searches in the dormitories of both your Houses. Students are forbidden from reading it from now on.”
“I will see the Headmaster about that,” Minerva said angrily, her hand resting on her hip. “You do not have the right to dictate everything that goes on at this school!”
She left the table briskly before Umbridge could say anymore, but Severus remained where he was. Though Umbridge’s presence at Hogwarts irritated him as much as anyone else, he thought it smarter to at least pretend to be cooperating with her. Especially because anytime McGonagall got Dumbledore to interfere on a matter, Umbridge retaliated by setting another decree that gave her even more control.
“Tut tut,” Umbridge smiled, as McGonagall walked out of the Great Hall. “Nasty temper, that Minerva McGonagall, and it’s clear to see that it’s rubbed off on nearly all her Gryffindors. Don’t you agree, Professor Snape?”
“I’ve been saying that for years,” Severus smirked, as he wrapped a muffin in a napkin to take with him as he silently plotted his escape. From below, he could see that Harry was now leaving with Ron and Hermione. “I’ll do a sweep of Slytherin house today, though I sincerely doubt any of my students would have interest in anything printed in that rag.”
“Thank you, Professor,” said Umbridge, and she walked around the table to sit down in Minerva’s vacant chair. “At least someone in this school isn’t completely opposed to the idea of progress.”
“I think change scares most people,” Severus said silkily. “And we’ve always done things for the sake of tradition here at Hogwarts. Continuity breeds comfort.”
“And incompetence,” Umbridge giggled. “Like Dumbledore having the audacity to employ such an unsuitable teacher for Care of Magical Creatures.”
“I don’t think I know anyone who knows more about magical creatures than Hagrid,” Severus said fairly. “Although, I admit, I’ve been concerned a few times when students in my house returned from his lessons sporting various injuries. Nothing recent though, I must say.”
“I’ll credit that to my careful supervision,” Umbridge said smugly. “Quite necessary, unfortunately. At least until Cornelius draws the papers up to have that oaf removed.”
“So, you are planning to dismiss Hagrid?” Severus verified quietly.
“Oh, of course I am, Professor,” Umbridge said sweetly.
“Well….” Severus’s voice trailed as he got up to leave. “I hope, for your sake, that it goes more smoothly than it did last time. That was quite a show.”
He considered going straight to Dumbledore to advise him about Hagrid’s inevitable sacking, but then decided the news could hardly be surprising and could probably wait until he got a few more hours of sleep. He didn’t have any class to teach that morning and the excitement over breakfast had been enough to make him want to put the covers back over his head for as long as time permitted. But as Severus made his way down to his quarters, he caught sight of a flash of white blonde hair disappearing through the concealed entrance to the Slytherin common room.
“What is he doing?” Severus muttered aloud to himself. First period classes were due to start in a matter of minutes, and Severus had zero tolerance for any of his students skiving off lessons unnecessarily.
“Unless my mind is deceiving me, I believe you’re supposed to be in Herbology right now, Draco,” Severus said, after he had let himself into the Slytherin common room.
The place was completely deserted aside from Malfoy, lying curled up on a black leather sofa facing the window into the lake. He didn’t look up or react at all to the presence of his head of house. Severus sat down beside him and could tell immediately that the boy had been crying recently. His hands were balled into fists and his pale skin was marred by pink blotches. Severus folded his hands together. “I think I know what this is about….”
“Potter,” Draco finally spat out.
“So, I am correct,” Severus said calmly. “I suppose this is about the interview Potter gave?”
“He called my father a Death Eater,” Draco said in a venomous voice.
“But he is one,” Severus said matter-of-factly. “So why does this upset you so much? Everyone is conveniently convinced that Potter is a liar at the moment, and that isn’t going to change until the Dark Lord takes over entirely….and then everyone will know who's on his side anyway. So, won’t you be proud of that?”
Draco said nothing. Severus pretended to be concentrating on the lake but he really was just watching Malfoy’s reflection in the glass. He always had to be so careful about what he said in these moments. Severus wanted to do everything to dissuade Malfoy from following in his father’s Death Eater footsteps, but it was challenging to enforce that when he needed to be regarded as an extremely devoted Death Eater himself.
“If the thought of everyone knowing which side your father supports makes you this uncomfortable, then maybe you need to reconsider the path you're taking yourself,” Severus said quietly, continuing to stare straight ahead at the water.
“This is just between us, of course,” he added quickly, clearing his throat. “Can I trust you, Draco?”
“Yes,” Draco replied, pressing his cheek against the leather arm of the sofa. Severus knew this wasn’t true, but all that really mattered to him was that Draco believed it. Though their relationship was closer than mere teacher to pupil, Severus would expect nothing less than to be thrown under the bus if push came to shove anywhere. For all Lucius Malfoy’s faults, his son was completely devoted to him. It was Lucius who had Draco’s loyalty, not Severus, and the circle of Death Eaters was a dog eat dog world. Severus knew every bit of advice he gave to Draco, came at great risk to himself.
“Well, then you can trust me,” Severus said softly. “And it’s just us at Hogwarts. And I’m not saying any of this as our master’s servant, but as your teacher, who cares about your welfare. So listen carefully to me, Draco….” he paused, waiting to ensure that he had Malfoy’s fullest attention. Then he continued. “Doing anything without your whole heart in it is just a good way to get yourself senselessly killed. The time to make these choices for yourself is right now, before you leave school.”
“I don’t have any choices,” Draco said stiffly.
“It’s not over yet,” Severus advised. “I picked my path for me. I want you to do the same…it doesn’t have to be what your father is doing. It’s just something I want you to think about.”
“Fine,” Draco sighed.
“You can think about it on your way to the greenhouse,” Severus said pointedly, using his wand to conjure a piece of parchment and a quill from thin air. He leaned over to write out a hasty excuse for Malfoy to give to Professor Sprout to explain his tardiness and then handed it to the boy who looked extremely displeased.
“Like any of this is going to matter when the Dark Lord takes over,” Draco complained, as he pocketed Severus’s note.
“On the contrary, I believe your education will serve you even more then,” Severus replied, as he flicked his wand to summon Malfoy’s backpack from the dormitory.
“Come along,” Severus said sternly, as Malfoy reluctantly hoisted the bag over one shoulder. “And don’t go confronting Potter about any of this, Draco….Professor Umbridge is already placing a ban on anyone reading The Quibbler. It’s best to pretend that you don’t know about it. You’ll only make things worse for yourself. And Potter will get his without any help from you.”
He waited to watch Malfoy make his way down the corridor to the stone steps that would lead to the Entrance Hall and outside to where Herbology lessons took place. Then Severus turned to make his way to his own quarters. It was disheartening to know that he couldn’t save Draco. Severus couldn’t tell him his true allegiance, so he couldn’t give him all the tools he would have liked to in different circumstances. All he could do was try to protect Draco, knowing he would fail before he even really started.
Good intentions and bad results seemed to be all that Severus was capable of. He had never managed to have a relationship or a responsibility that he didn’t sabotage in some manner despite his best efforts. It was what came from a lifetime of losing and never winning. Of making the wrong choices and learning that there was no such thing as an entirely blank slate. He had tried to start over with Harry, but all that had taught him was that he was capable of everything he had deprived himself of, he just didn’t think he deserved any of it.
“Mollitum,” Severus whispered to his door, as tears slid down his cheeks. He stepped into his office and touched the spot in the wall to access his private quarters. It felt like a lifetime ago that he had added on a room for Harry and the boy had been so overwhelmed that he’d gone straight to his arms. If he hadn’t confessed what was unforgivable, Severus could have still been that person to Harry…..like a father, instead of just a reminder of why Harry didn’t have his father.
“I’m so sorry,” Severus whispered emotionally, not sure who he was even speaking to. God? The Universe? Or the part of him that really hoped that Lily was looking down and could see how deep his regret went.
Lily’s face filled his mind and it was all over. Severus staggered down the hall and barely recognized that he had gone straight to Harry’s room, and not his own. He collapsed on Harry’s bed and allowed his tears to fall freely. It was so unusual that Severus Severus could lose control this way but he was exhausted from a lifetime of always being strong. He just couldn’t be right now, and the pain in heart seemed to consume his whole body. His Dark Mark began to tingle and Severus buried his face into the pillow in panic.
“No….not now….not now….I can’t….please,” he was begging, unsure who he was even addressing. But though his arm was tickling, it did not hurt like he anticipated. It did not burn black. And the summons from his master that Severus was terrified to receive, did not come.
Relief that he was temporarily spared compelled him. Severus wrapped his arms around the pillow to hug it to himself, feeling something cold to the touch brush his hand. He grasped it, and could feel the chain in his hand. More tears flooded his eyes and Severus didn’t even have to pull out the pocket watch to confirm what it was. How much it had meant to Harry to have this passed down to him, and how much it had meant to Severus to be entrusted with it so many years ago. Back when he and Lily had still been friends, before he had ruined everything. Severus just held it in his hand and his grief consumed him as he closed his eyes, remembering that Christmas night from all those years ago….
“Dad loved you too,” Lily said, her breath visible against the cold winter air. She shivered slightly, and pulled his arm around her. Moving closer to him on the blanket they’d brought to the cemetery with them that Christmas night. It was already damp from the bed of snow they’d laid it on, but neither of them cared. “Dad said several times if you were a muggle you’d be a doctor just like him. You’ve got the brains and the instinct, he always said that about you.”
“I’m not sure I’d have the patience to put up with unwell people whining all the time,” Severus said shyly. “Your Dad did though. I never knew a man could be as kind as him.” And Lily smiled sadly as she leaned her head against his shoulder. Severus could smell her almond shampoo as her soft red hair brushed against his cheek. His arm was still around her and he hugged her more tightly. Staring at the name and dates of Lily’s father carved in stone. He had died a few weeks ago and this Christmas was a difficult one for the Evans family.
“You never believe anything good that anyone has to say about you, Sev,” Lily whispered sadly in his ear. “I wish you could see yourself through my eyes.”
“We're friends,” Severus said dismissively. “I believe you.”
“I don’t know,” Lily sighed and leaned more heavily against him as she stared up at the sky. “He feels so far away from us,” she said after a few minutes.
“I bet he’s closer than you think,” Severus said softly. “We just don’t know these things for fact while we’re still alive.”
Lily reached for his hand and squeezed it tightly in hers. Tears were sliding down her face and even in sadness, she still looked beautiful. “I guess we just have to keep going on even when we don’t want to. Someday we’ll get to be together again and it will all make sense. Until then we just have to remember and trust that things will be okay.”