Snape’s Most Important Role
The sky was so bright with stars that Severus did not even bother to light his wand to see his way up to the castle after a summons from the Dark Lord a few days before Christmas. His heavy boots crunched on the frozen ground and fresh snowflakes were melting on his face. He closed and secured the gate he’d just entered through with a quick tap of his wand. Then he transfixed his eyes upon Hogwarts in the distance, which seemed a long way away at the moment.
Without speaking the incantation aloud, Severus conjured the headache remedy and Anti-Cruciatus potion that he’d had waiting on his bedside table in anticipation for what he’d known was to be an unpleasant night. Though most of his master’s wrath had been suffered by Avery and Lucius, Severus hadn’t gotten by unscathed. As two vials appeared floating in the air in front of him, Severus swallowed the contents of both with the desperation of a man coming across water in the middle of a scorching desert. Only then did he feel up to the task of trekking through the snow the rest of the way.
He passed the time by fantasizing about going straight to bed and sleeping as late as he wanted tomorrow. Even though Dumbledore had already insisted that he meet with him immediately and he had classes to teach first thing in the morning as well, so it could never happen. Still, all of that was tolerable when compared to the sight of Dolores Umbridge hurrying towards him as soon as he stepped foot inside the castle. She was wearing a pink dressing gown and a very smug expression on her face, and Severus had serious doubts about whether he had the strength left to endure a conversation with her.
“Good evening, Professor Snape,” Umbridge said brightly. “Late to be getting back, is it not?”
Severus raised his eyebrows at her. His face was calm and blank. “Yes, it is late,” he agreed slowly, stomping his boots into the mat placed in front of the large oak doors to remove residue snow and slush. He wasn’t in any sort of mood to listen to Filch gripe about dirty floors the next time their paths crossed.
“You were scheduled to patrol the corridors tonight,” Umbridge smiled, looking more like a toad than ever. “Did you forget?”
“Of course not,” Severus said coolly. “I’m afraid I wasn’t able to keep that particular commitment, so I spoke to Minerva prior about switching with--”
“Minerva McGonagall is not in charge of staff schedules anymore,” Umbridge interrupted triumphantly. “I am.”
“Very well,” Severus said indifferently, as if this news was of no concern to him, though he was already anticipating getting an earful from Minerva about this new undermining of her authority tomorrow over breakfast. “I will speak to you directly in the future then,” he added with a slight bow. “Now, you are quite right that it is very late. So, if you’ll excuse me -”
“Where were you, Professor?” Umbridge asked eagerly.
Severus stared at her and did not say anything for a long pause as she stared back at him, looking like a greedy toad who thought him to be a particularly delicious fly. Then he said softly, “I do not see why I should have to tell you where I go on my own time.”
“Did Dumbledore send you somewhere?” asked Umbridge, smiling bigger still. “As Hogwarts High Inquisitor it is my duty -”
“No, Dumbledore did not,” Severus cut in over her. “Again, I don’t see how my personal life is relevant to your duties as High Inquisitor. However,” he said, before she could open her mouth to argue. “For the sake of not wasting any more of either of our time, since we are clearly in disagreement on this matter, I will inform you that I paid a visit to an old friend tonight that lasted longer than I intended.”
“And who might that be?” Umbridge asked sweetly.
“Lucius Malfoy,” Severus said coldly. “I believe you know him?”
“Lucius?” Umbridge repeated, and she stopped looking at him like prey she had cornered at once. “Yes, of course, I know Lucius. Very well respected advisor to the Minister and he also speaks highly of you, I might add.”
“Yes…” Severus said boredly. “Well, if you need my story to be collaborated by Lucius, I am sure--”
“That won’t be necessary, Professor,” Umbridge replied swiftly. “I am sorry to put you on the spot like this but I’m afraid that some of our colleagues appear to be working with Dumbledore to undermine the Ministry, and that simply won’t do.”
“I understand,” Severus said softly.
“You’ll tell me if you hear anything suspicious?” Umbridge pressed.
“But of course,” Severus answered smoothly. “And if there’s anything else, perhaps we could continue this conversation during my office hours tomorrow?”
He was relieved that she didn’t try to stop him or say anything more than goodnight. Severus headed downstairs to the dungeons, knowing it would be a fool’s errand to attempt paying a visit to Dumbledore’s office right now. Not with the High Inquisitor sneaking around to see who was involved with him. He wouldn’t put it past Umbridge to be following him now and he didn’t look back until there was a floor between them.
“Nicolas,” Severus said softly, leaning casually against the wall beside a portrait hung outside the Slytherin common room a few minutes later. A scrawny man painted with a large chisel and stone in front of him, looked up with interest.
“Go and tell Dumbledore that I’ve returned and that he will have to come to me,” Severus whispered to the painting.
“Right away, good sir,” said Nicolas happily. He dropped the chisel from his hand and sped into the neighbouring frame without another word. He would dash all the way through the castle to reach Dumbledore’s office to deliver the message, and Umbridge would be no wiser.
Severus remained leaning against the wall for a few more minutes, silently listening for any sounds of activity from inside the Slytherin common room, but all appeared to be well. Severus was not above going in at any hour to insist his students went to bed, and all his other occupations did not get in the way of him keeping close tabs on the members of his house. He wanted them all to be fresh for their lessons every day and thought homework could be completed early enough with a little advanced planning and discipline. Severus believed that staying up all night was equated to getting into trouble, and for the most part never had to catch any student in his care out past curfew, with the notable exception of Harry Potter.
Smirking a little as he thought of how he’d stopped even pretending to disapprove of Harry sneaking out under his Invisibility Cloak to spend time with him in their quarters after hours, Severus walked the remainder of the way to his office and spoke the password to enter. He knew Dumbledore would be there shortly, the headmaster was the sole exception to the rule against being able to apparate inside the Hogwarts grounds because he simply overrode it whenever it was convenient to him.
However, even Dumbledore’s imminent arrival did not prevent Severus from deciding to get comfortable in his own home. He was simply too tired to care about looking vulnerable, as he checked Harry’s room, out of habit, to confirm the boy had stayed up in Gryffindor Tower that night. Then he went to his own bedroom and changed out of his robes and into grey plaid pajamas. He was just in the process of pulling on a black overcoat when he heard the distinguishable sound of Dumbledore apparating into the living room.
“Good evening, Severus,” Dumbledore smiled, as Severus walked around the corner to meet him. Dumbledore looked bright eyed and wide awake standing there, although he was dressed in a snowy white nightshirt underneath bright red bedazzled robes. “Was it Dolores who intercepted you?”
"Who else?" Severus replied, pointing his wand at the bare fireplace so that flames appeared. Then he tugged the green blanket hung over the sofa to wrap around himself as he sat down on the sofa with his feet up on the cushions beside him. Dumbledore, meanwhile, had waved his wand over at one of the stools under the kitchen counter so that it floated over and transformed into a large plush armchair that landed directly next to Severus.
"I told her I was with Lucius Malfoy, which isn't a lie," Severus informed him, leaning back against the arm of the sofa. "Though I hope she won't attempt to interrogate Lucius any time soon. I left him in a bad way."
"Voldemort punished him?" questioned Dumbledore as he took his seat.
"More like took out his anger on him," Severus answered, "because Lucius didn't do anything wrong. The Dark Lord ordered him to place an Imperius Curse on Bode and that is exactly what Lucius did. It wasn't his fault that Bode suffered some sort of spell damage when he attempted to retrieve the prophecy."
"Does Voldemort know the reason why Bode couldn’t touch the prophecy?" Dumbledore asked quietly.
"I don't believe so," Severus replied. "He just blamed Avery for giving him incorrect information. Avery had assured him that an Unspeakable would be able to do it, but clearly he was wrong. The Dark Lord is becoming more desperate. I don’t think he knows what to do right now."
"Which makes him even more dangerous," Dumbledore said quietly. "The thing is, only those that a prophecy is about are able to take it from the Department of Mysteries.”
"You kept that bit of information to yourself," Severus narrowed his eyes, as Dumbledore shrugged his shoulders innocently. "So that means that only the Dark Lord himself or Harry -"
"Exactly," Dumbledore nodded. "And Harry should not be in any danger because Voldemort cannot invade his mind, thanks to you. Harry would have no reason to show interest in a prophecy he does not know exists. So Voldemort will persist in sending unfortunate souls on an impossible and dangerous mission, but unless he decides to make the attempt himself-"
"And risk revealing his return to all those conveniently ignoring it," Severus cut in.
"He will not succeed in getting it until he goes on his own," Dumbledore finished. "But let us not underestimate the suffering of those who get in his way in the meantime….yourself included.” He fixed Severus with a piercing look and then asked quietly. “Did he hurt you tonight?"
"Not terribly," Severus said dismissively. The potions he had taken as soon as he’d returned to Hogwarts had reduced the worst effects. All the Death Eaters present had been subjected to some of the Cruciatus Curse, but Severus’s persistent headache could be attributed to the growing complexity of his Occlumency defences. Ever since his relationship to Harry had evolved, the amount of detail Severus had to conceal from his master grew by the minute. He had been getting persistent migraines for weeks.
“Harry and his friends had their final meeting before Christmas of ‘Dumbledore’s Army’ tonight while you were gone,” Dumbledore smiled, as he referenced the secret defence group that had been taking place successfully undetected by Umbridge for a few weeks.
Severus smirked slightly at this news. “I pretend like I don’t know it’s happening,” he admitted.
“A method we both seem to have adapted,” Dumbledore’s eyes twinkled. “You must be so proud of him though.”
“I think it is good for him,” Severus said quietly. “He came alive during the summer when we worked on Defence Against the Dark Arts together. It helped with his nightmares just as much, if not more, than Occlumency. I think it’s been a healthy way for him to cope with the trauma of last June, especially now that he’s been able to bring other students into it.”
“He doesn’t feel as alone or ostracized now,” said Dumbledore wisely. “He’s realized that some people do believe him and those are the ones that matter.”
“Exactly,” said Severus quietly, who was more proud of Harry than he wanted to admit to Dumbledore just now.
Harry was doing a better job of controlling his temper around Umbridge. Having ‘Dumbledore’s Army’ to occupy so much of his time was doing him a tremendous good. His grades were improving as well and he visited Severus nearly every evening just to have a little bit of time together. More and more often he’d been bringing Ron and Hermione down to hang out in his bedroom on weekends. It was exactly what Severus imagined having a son would be like.
“I’m so grateful that Harry has you,” said Dumbledore kindly. “And you him. You deserve to be happy finally.”
“No, I don’t,” Severus said automatically, and his lip curled. “I’m the last person that should be happy.”
“Oh, Severus, we will have to disagree on that,” Dumbledore said gently. “But don’t think I haven’t noticed that you've been quiet and keeping to yourself even more than usual lately."
"As would you if you couldn't go a day without your biggest mistake and regret being thrown in your face,” Severus glared at him. The hairs on the back of his neck stood up as he was called out. The truth was that Severus had grown to enjoy Harry’s presence in his life immensely, only to feel overwhelmed by guilt and shame as soon as he was left alone to dwell on the matters that Harry knew nothing about.
"So this is about the prophecy?" Dumbledore asked softly. "I didn’t want to presume. You are still punishing yourself then for a grave error committed at a young age to which you've devoted your entire adult life to correcting. Am I right?"
"I've corrected nothing," Severus snapped. "Two people are dead because of me and their son is an orphan."
"That isn’t because of you," Dumbledore said quietly. "Be a little fair to yourself, you know that there are many factors and many people involved in what happened to the Potters."
"It all started because of me," said Severus, in a voice barely above a whisper. “You can’t deny that.”
"And it will end because of you too," said Dumbledore firmly. "You're sacrificing so much to bring Voldemort down. Not to mention what you have become to Harry."
"I don't deserve Harry," Severus said quickly, his heart sinking as he admitted the truth out loud. How much it hurt him to say that because it went against everything he’d promised to be to Harry, and acknowledged that Harry had become to him. Yet, the more the Order and the Death Eaters obsessed over the prophecy, the more Severus felt conflicted and unworthy.
"Severus, you are the best thing for that boy," Dumbledore said quietly. "I see the difference in Harry since you’ve taken him in. The way you care for him, teach him, protect him -"
"He wouldn’t need protection from me if I hadn't told the Dark Lord about the prophecy in the first place," Severus said stubbornly, refusing to be consoled. He sat up straighter on the couch and when he spoke again, the self-inflicted pain his words invoked was written right across his face.
"Dumbledore, you pushing that child into my life and me allowing myself to get so attached to him was incredibly wrong.”
Severus’s eyes were full of grief but it was nothing compared to how Harry looked when he spoke to him about his parents, which was becoming increasingly common the more comfortable and trusting he became, and the more they shared with one another. Harry learning more about the family he’d lost, had somehow made the sense of family appear to grow stronger between himself and Severus. This was something that had brought Severus unprecedented happiness, which he didn’t think he deserved.
"Since when is love wrong?" asked Dumbledore. "You give Harry exactly what he needs."
"It’s wrong because I’m the reason he doesn’t have parents here to love him," Severus insisted. "I’m a very poor substitute and I ruined his life. He should hate me. I wanted him to hate me. I tried to hate him and convince myself he was just like his father. I treated him badly so that he’d hate me back….and then all that time spent together last summer, I just couldn't do it anymore. He’s just a child and he deserves to be loved and cared for."
"That’s because you have a very good heart even if you like to pretend otherwise,” Dumbledore said gently, as Severus looked determinedly away so that he could avoid those piercing blue eyes.
Dumbledore sighed. “Listen to me very carefully, Severus. It is true that we can’t change the past and some actions have permanent consequences. That’s life, I’m afraid, and yours is not over because of your sizable regret. I’ve seen you sacrificing yourself and demonstrating tremendous courage every day since. That counts for a lot. You’ve grown up from the lost boy that you were and you’re a much better man than you give yourself credit for. I’m extremely proud of you.”
A flash of irritation crossed Severus’s pale face. “Dumbledore-”
“Severus, I want you to stop thinking that you don’t deserve to be a father, and just enjoy what you and Harry have,” Dumbledore said sternly. “But I can see that I won’t have any luck convincing you otherwise. So instead, I want you to focus on what Harry deserves, which is all that you’re giving him. The only two people who know exactly who informed Voldemort about the first half of the prophecy are in this room. That’s exactly how I intend to keep it.”
“I don’t like lying to him,” Severus said quietly. “I want him to always be honest with me, so I should offer him the same courtesy. But he wouldn’t want me anymore if he knew.”
“Every father has things about himself that he'd rather his child not know,” Dumbledore said simply.
“Not like this,” Severus said softly. “I’m -”
But Dumbledore held up a hand to silence him and a frown had clouded his kind face. “Do you hear that?”
“HELP! HELP! OUT HERE!” Both Dumbledore and Severus immediately jumped up and drew their wands.
“That isn’t one of my students,” Severus said, as he pushed open the door of his office and stepped out into the corridor ahead of Dumbledore.
“Lumos”, he kept his wand raised in front of him as he looked around in every direction, finally noticing the screaming man in a painting of pastel seashells on a beach.
“Everard,” Severus spoke the name of the figure he recognized. A celebrated head of Hogwarts whose portrait still hung in the Headmaster’s study. He must have dashed all the way down here for a very important reason.
“Are you looking for me, Everard?” Dumbledore asked calmly, coming up behind Severus and drawing nearer to the painting, lowering his wand as he approached.
“I went to visit my other portrait at the Ministry like you said to do every few hours, Dumbledore,” Everard said breathlessly, looking completely winded after all the shouting. “There’s been an attack on one of your people. A snake...they carried the man up on a stretcher. I don’t know if he was alive....there was so much blood. I think he was lying down there for a long time.”
“Thank you for telling me this, Everard,” Dumbledore said calmly, already beginning to walk down the corridor back towards the stairs. “Severus, follow me and let’s hope that Umbridge has gone to bed.”
“Who was guarding tonight, Headmaster?” Severus asked, tightening the belt on his black jacket while almost jogging to keep up with Dumbledore’s long strides.
“Arthur Weasley,” Dumbledore answered gravely.
Severus paled and felt weak at the knees. “I didn’t know there was going to be an attack,” he whispered. “The Dark Lord gave me no hint. I didn’t know he was going to be sending Nagini down there tonight, Dumbledore.”
“I am not blaming you, Severus,” Dumbledore said softly. “You can’t possibly know everything that is on Voldemort’s mind. On the contrary, the blood replenishing anti-venom you concocted might make all the difference between life and death for Arthur.”
“Not if he’s been lying there alone half the night,” Severus said quietly.
He racked his brain trying to recall if the Dark Lord had said anything about Nagini’s wearabouts tonight but he hadn’t. His focus had been on his Death Eaters' incompetence and punishing them for his disappointments. Nagini hadn’t been mentioned at all and since she was often gone away to do her master’s bidding, Severus hadn’t worried about it. Now, though, he was trying to figure out if this was somehow his fault.
“Go tell Minerva what’s happened,” Dumbledore instructed. “Have her wake up all of the Weasley children and bring them to my office. I need to get them to Headquarters before Umbridge can try and interfere.”
“Harry, too,” Severus said firmly, knowing how distressed the boy would be to not be able to support Ron in whatever came next. “The Weasleys are his family as well.”
“Of course,” Dumbledore nodded. “Whatever you think is best.”
“I’d like to go with them,” Severus said protectively, his feelings of unworthiness being shoved down where they belonged immediately as he concentrated on where he felt he could be used best.
“You have classes to teach tomorrow and an act to not forget,” Dumbledore said sternly, as they reached the main floor and were about to split up. “There’s only two more days until the Christmas holiday. Then you can go stay with Harry at Headquarters or bring him back if you choose."
Severus nodded his compliance and Dumbledore, about to turn away to go back to his office, suddenly paused to look back and smile.
“I really think your spot in Harry’s life is going to be your most important role of all," Dumbledore told him wisely. "Cherish it."