The Lonely Animagus
Sirius hated the dark. He hated being alone in an empty house even more. Nobody had been by number twelve Grimmauld Place for a couple of days now, and everyone that Sirius had counted upon for company was currently away. Harry, of course, was with Dumbledore; Remus was doing work on behalf of the Order; and the Weasleys, plus Hermione, had gone back to the Burrow for a brief respite from the gloomy atmosphere that was Grimmauld Place.
The house had become so silent in their absence that it was an extremely distressing environment for Sirius. Without the distraction of the noisy chaos that followed the Weasley family wherever they went, Sirius had nothing to prevent the dark thoughts in his mind from overtaking him, and the hateful mutterings from his deranged house elf, Kreacher, only made it worse. His current imprisonment didn’t require him to be on constant alert like he had been when he was living on rats up in a cave either. As a consequence, Sirius was sinking into a deeper and deeper depressive state. As days turned into almost a week alone, the more useless and forgotten he felt.
“But I always got you, don’t I, Buckbeak?” he said affectionately to the Hippogriff, who nuzzled his shoulder in response.
Aside from the exercise he’d gotten from restlessly pacing the empty house, Sirius had spent the better part of his days and nights up in the highest bedroom that had once belonged to his mother. The spacious suite meant that Buckbeak could stretch out his impressive wings, though it did not permit him enough room to fly. That was something that both the Hippogriff and Sirius missed immensely, having been deprived of their freedom in a bid to save their lives.
“It’s not going to be like this much longer,” Sirius tried to sound confident, as he stroked the beast’s magnificent head.
“I tell you...I have half a mind to pay Dumbledore a visit right now, just to tell him what for. Then you and I could fly above the clouds bright and early tomorrow. Maybe even take out a few Death Eaters as we go. Enough is enough...this isn’t living”.
Sirius let out a barking laugh, which ended abruptly when he saw that Buckbeak was now entirely preoccupied with chewing up some old bones and not listening. Though to be fair, he had heard it all before, during Sirius’s extremely common bouts of insomnia. Sleep was hard won when he wasn’t stimulated enough during the day to feel really tired. That’s when he sought out the companionship of the creature condemned, just as he was. Sirius felt understood when he stared into Buckbeak’s proud eagle eyes. Buckbeak knew that night was when Sirius was the most tortured.
“Well, anyway-” Sirius sighed. “We’ll have to plan it out a little more. I can’t leave Harry after all.”
He sighed again at the thought of the godson he hadn’t spent nearly enough time with, but of whom concern for had prompted all of Sirius’s most daring acts. After all, it was the discovery that Wormtail was hiding at Hogwarts, around Harry, that had given Sirius the strength to orchestrate his escape from Azkaban in the first place. He’d been on the run ever since, though always managing to keep in some contact with Harry and provide support in all the ways that he could. Sirius would never flee from his gilded cage if it meant abandoning Harry, and he knew that Dumbledore was counting on that. It alarmed Sirius just how quickly his spirits had dropped during only a couple months of confinement, but he didn’t think anyone else would care to notice.
“Everyone will be back soon,” Sirius croaked, as he leaned more heavily against Buckbeak’s side. “Then I’ll be hiding up here to get a break from them all.”
The trouble was that he already knew that regular company was not going to do much to alleviate his suffering. Not when he was still forced to sit inside and quietly clean while everyone else was out risking their lives for the Order. It made Azkaban feel much too close and familiar, as it invaded his mind increasingly so.
Sirius was remembering how all the screaming and pleading inmates would eventually surrender to muted silence, broken only when they shrieked in their sleep. Sirius had spent twelve years scarcely using his own voice; and he’d never forget, or entirely lose, the hopelessness of such an existence. There were parts of him that were broken beyond repair, and he hadn’t even realized how much he was trembling as his thoughts became more morbid. Not until Buckbeak stretched out his wing to cover him like a blanket.
That was how Remus Lupin found him. Curled up beside the creature who, for so long, had been his only companion. Sirius appeared to be asleep, though that never seemed to consist of much more than resting his eyes. He had spent half his life feeling too at risk to ever truly rest, and his friend wasn’t surprised to see him bolt straight up before he even took a second step into the room.
“Welcome back, Moony,” Sirius said, forcing a smile that showed off all his yellow teeth. The years in prison had taken their toll on his appearance. Nobody would have denied that Sirius had been the best looking boy in their class at Hogwarts once upon a time.
“Glad to be back,” Lupin smiled, though he looked tired and his travelling cloak had a few more tears in it that hadn’t been there before. “I had hoped to get back sooner, but Dumbledore had wanted a report in person before I retired.”
“Anything interesting?” asked Sirius curiously.
“Yes, and it’s all bad,” Lupin replied. “The werewolves weren’t interested in what Dumbledore sent me to say. We can’t find employment and we live on the skirts of a hostile society that would nearly all like to euthanize us. Why should we care about them?”
“Why should they care about Voldemort?” Sirius shook his head incredulously.
He knew all about the discrimination his friend had suffered from being a werewolf. How it had been only under the grace of Dumbledore that he had been permitted to attend Hogwarts in the first place. No other Headmaster would have risked it. Though once he had left school, it had meant being let go eventually from every job he managed to get. Living in poverty and suffering incredibly at each full moon. People looked at him with fear and disgust once they discovered what he was, and Remus Lupin had learned not to get too close to anyone.
“Voldemort’s promising them a place in his world when he takes over,” Lupin replied. ‘It doesn’t matter if he also hates werewolves, werewolves are used to being hated. At least they might not have to hide anymore. And in the case of Fenrir Greyback - well, he’s been permitted to wear Death Eater robes, hasn’t he?”
“It’s sick,” Sirius growled. “Completely sick.”
Lupin nodded sadly and walked over to sink down on the bench in front of the table where Sirius’s mother had once sat to do her makeup every morning. He buried his face in his hands. It had been an incredibly long week for him. His days living underground with the werewolves had been preceded by his transformation at the full moon. Though he hadn’t suffered like he used to, thanks to the potion prepared for him by Severus Snape, it was always very wearing on his body to turn into such a beast.
“I just hoped I could make a difference,” Lupin confessed, finally raising his head back up to look at his friend. “But I can’t change their minds. Most of the werewolves are for Voldemort, and Dumbledore wasn’t surprised when I told him. He said what he needs me to be is his spy. I don’t need to recruit them to the Order.”
“Sounds like a pretty cool mission,” Sirius replied.
“Yes,” Lupin agreed wearily. “And it gives me a little perspective on how Severus must be feeling most of the time. How terrible it is to sit around with awful people, planning horrific things, and pretend that you agree with them.”
“I think it comes pretty naturally to Snape,” Sirius said coldly.
“Do you?” Lupin raised his eyebrows.
“The shoe fit and he joined them willingly,” Sirius shrugged. “Getting cold feet and switching sides in the end doesn’t change that. On the other hand, being a werewolf is not a reflection of your character, Remus. It’s just your little furry problem.”
He smiled and Lupin couldn’t resist giving an affectionate smile back. It was how James had always described his affliction when talking where others might overhear. People had been under the impression that Lupin had owned a badly behaved rabbit.
“Well, we’re destined to disagree on the subject of Severus,” Lupin said diplomatically. “Did he say anything when he dropped Harry off yesterday?”
Sirius frowned. “He didn’t.”
“Really?” Lupin looked surprised. “Because Dumbledore told me that he left Harry with Severus the other night. He was supposed to bring him back to Headquarters in the morning. I just assumed Harry must be downstairs sleeping.”
“I haven’t seen anyone in days,” Sirius stood up so abruptly that Buckbeak bristled his feathers in alarm. “What’s Snape playing at?” he growled, rage and indignation swelling up inside him.
“Sirius, I’m sure that Harry is fine,” Lupin said gently. “I’m sure there's a reasonable explanation. I probably just misheard Dumbledore.”
“You didn’t and you know it,” snapped Sirius angrily. There was no justification for Harry being with Snape and him not being given an explanation. He was owed that much at least! Like it hadn’t been hard enough to accept that Harry had gotten along with Snape and trusted him. Now it seemed that Harry preferred Snape’s company to his own? How could Sirius live with himself if that were to be the case? What would James think?
“Listen, I have to meet with Severus about my potion tomorrow anyway,” Lupin said calmly. “I’ll check on Harry in the morning and bring him back if he wants.”
“I’m coming with you,” Sirius said curtly.
He noticed Lupin hesitate, but he had never been good at standing up to his friends and Sirius knew that he wouldn’t try to stop him. Not even Dumbledore would have been able to prevent Sirius from walking out right now. There were some things that needed to be seen for yourself. If only to understand them and find a morsel of acceptance.