Far More Than His Pawn
Severus didn’t move from his transfigured bed in the living room for the rest of the day. He slept off and on, waking up only to attend to his personal needs and to swallow pain relievers whenever the agony in his body became too much to bear. He had heard Potter walking around upstairs and about the kitchen but, for the most part, the boy had been quiet and kept his distance since their brief exchange that morning.
When it was nearly midnight, Severus was awoken by a disturbance at the window. The house was completely dark; Potter had presumably gone to bed hours ago. While he didn't suspect anything Dark or dangerous when the place was so well protected, instinct and habit had him automatically reaching for his wand.
“Lumos,” Severus said, attempting to pull himself up into a sitting position and feeling grateful that nobody could see him struggle.
Something tapped again on the window - confirming to Severus that he hadn't actually imagined the sound. With his hand slightly trembling with remnants of the Cruciatus Curse, Severus used magic to pull open the curtains and from the light of his wand was able to make out the outline of an owl intent on entering. Nothing more.
“Alohomora,” he muttered, and the windows opened to admit the snowy white owl that he recognized as belonging to Potter.
Exceptionally bright, she had found the place remarkably quickly; the instincts and innate wisdom of owls had always been something of a fascination to Severus. He'd expected her to fly up to the second floor immediately to be fed, watered, and caressed by Potter; but to his surprise, she swooped down upon himself and held out her leg where a small rolled up piece of parchment was tied.
“Is that for me?” Severus asked the owl. “Hedwig, isn’t it? If this is a note from Potter announcing that he ran away, I’m holding you personally responsible for not stopping him.”
Hedwig hooted and hopped a bit closer. She was exceptionally patient, watching him closely through inquisitive eyes as he struggled to untie the letter with his stiff and uncooperative fingers. It wasn’t from Potter.
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Severus,
I’ll be arriving at Spinner’s End at the stroke of midnight. Please meet me outside in the garden and do not tell Harry that I am coming.
See you soon,
Professor Albus Dumbledore
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“So, he’s got even you doing his bidding now?” Severus asked the owl, crumpling the parchment into a wadded ball and tossing it at the wastebasket in the corner of the room. He missed by far, but to his amusement, Hedwig flew down to pick it up in her beak and drop it into the basket for him.
“Thank you,” Severus said begrudgingly, and then glanced at the clock on the wall.
He had no desire to see Dumbledore at the moment. He had summoned him last night and received Lupin and Black instead. How, after reprimanding Severus in the past for not communicating well enough or asking for help, had Dumbledore decided to ignore him? He’d left him at the mercy of people who had turned tormenting him into a school sport and seemed to think nothing of it.
“I don’t have anything for you,” Severus told the owl, who had flown back over to the bed and perched beside him. “Go upstairs.”
Hedwig hooted, but remained as she was. Severus couldn't find it in him to complain. Relenting, he raised his wand and summoned a bowl of water and a bit of cold turkey from the refrigerator for her. Then found himself absentmindedly stroking her head with a pale mangled finger, slightly bemused at the thought of how his father would have reacted to an owl in his house. Severus had never been permitted a pet as a child.
“Alright fine ...I suppose you've had a long flight,” Severus lamented, once Hedwig had finished the turkey and stared back at him expectantly until he summoned some owl biscuits. “Just don’t deliver messages for Dumbledore anymore. You’re not even technically supposed to listen to him, although I guess we all have trouble in that department.”
His resentment towards Dumbledore had him tempted to ignore his letter, but obeying the headmaster was second nature to Severus by now and he didn't entertain that idea for very long. He used his arms to lift one leg at a time over the edge of the bed and then nervously contemplated his next move, worried about falling, should they not support his weight.
“You probably are wondering why I asked to meet you outside,” a voice suddenly spoke through the open window at him - Dumbledore. “You need to force yourself back onto your feet. You won't fall.”
“Then help me,” was what Severus would have liked to say, but his pride wouldn't allow it. Not after the way Dumbledore had abandoned him last night. Instead, he summoned the cane he'd transfigured for himself the last time he'd been hurt and made several humiliating attempts to get to his feet before succeeding.
He did not fall, but a spasm shot through his legs and up his spine. Cursing loudly from the unexpected jolt of pain, Severus scared the owl, who abandoned her last biscuit to fly upstairs. He clenched his teeth together and gripped his cane more tightly, determined not to lose his balance or cry out again.
It seemed impossible that he might lift one foot to put in front of the other. He thought about it, but his brain seemed to have lost the signals necessary for such a natural movement. He didn’t think more potion could solve this - as much as it despaired him to admit, Dumbledore was right. Getting up and forcing his body through such discipline was the only way forward. There was too much work to be done for him to be languishing in bed any longer.
“Do you get unlimited joy from seeing how far you can push me to the brink?” Severus asked angrily, once he'd dragged himself outside into the back garden and nearly lost his balance when attempting to sit down in the chair conjured for him by Dumbledore.
“Not at all,” said Dumbledore, his red bejeweled hat bobbing as he shook his head.
“Well then how do you explain leaving me at the mercy of Black and Lupin?” Severus shot at him, regretting his words just as soon as he’d spoken them.
Dumbledore didn’t look surprised, but Severus was angry with himself for openly admitting just how much that had upset him. How being handled by them in such a vulnerable state had been humiliating and just as degrading as what he’d suffered at the hands of the Dark Lord.
At school, Severus had spent far too much time dwelling on why he’d had a target on his back from the very start. It had hurt so much more than what he’d suffered at home because school meant it happening in front of an audience. And he had never really understood why it had to be that way. Why he couldn’t just be left alone. Why students - who everyone else thought were so great - had been happy to devote so much of their time to making sure his life was a living hell.
“I asked Remus to come help you and that is what he and Sirius did, nothing more or less,” Dumbledore said calmly. “You might not consider Remus a friend, but there are not many other people at my disposal who are as qualified at Defense Against the Dark Arts to be useful under such circumstances and you’re the one who invited Sirius here.”
“Might not consider him a friend,” Severus repeated, looking quite stricken. “That is an understatement. Do you not remember all that they did to me?”
“My mind is as good as it ever was, Severus,” Dumbledore replied softly. “But you are on the same side and I must admit I find it rather redundant to dwell on the past. People can change. You yourself are proof of that.”
Severus didn’t reply to this. He knew that it was a losing battle and that Dumbledore was completely unapologetic about his decision. He would undoubtedly do it again should a need present itself, no matter what Severus said to the contrary. Severus gripped his cane all the more tightly and looked up at the night sky.
“I don’t know why you’re even here,” he said stiffly. “If it’s information about the Dark Lord that you are after, then you’re wasting your time. I didn’t learn anything last night that we didn’t already know. Well, unless you count the Dark Lord being concerned that you don’t trust me enough to be an effective spy anymore and I’m quite inclined to agree with him on that matter.”
“I am not here to discuss Voldemort,” Dumbledore replied. “I am here for you. I know that I ask way too much of you, Severus. Regretfully, I also imagine that I will require even more of you in the near future.”
“Of course you will,” Severus said softly, and he knew that he would exceed the expectations of all that Dumbledore asked him to do. Whether he wanted to or not. “I am your pawn, after all, am I not?”
“Of course not,” Dumbledore said sadly, and when Severus chanced a glance over at him, it was to his astonishment that he discovered that the headmaster’s eyes were full of tears. “And I realize I have crossed a line.”
“Suddenly you care about that?” Severus muttered, diverting his gaze back to the sky.
“I care deeply, Severus,” Dumbledore said quietly. “I wish I could make you see that, but I do. I don't blame you for doubting me after all that I've asked you to do. I know it's too much. I'm sorry.”
“Are you?” Severus asked sarcastically. “If that were true, Potter wouldn't be here right now would he?”
Dumbledore sighed. “I was upset that my desire to have Harry under the same roof as his aunt each night had been compromised.
So, I gave him to you - when what I really should have done was go speak to Vernon and Petunia Dursley myself.”
“They aren’t going to take him back,” Severus said. “They were perfectly clear about that.”
“But regardless, I shouldn't have made it your problem,” said Dumbledore. “You're already doing so much for Harry. They'll take him back. I find that I can be very persuasive.”
“And I know that better than anyone,” Severus said curtly. “But even so, I don’t understand why you did what you did to him. Even if Potter had to grow up there, you never even checked on him. Or bothered to make sure they were treating him right.”
“I had hoped they’d treat him like a second son,” Dumbledore said quietly. “But I didn’t think it was my place to tell them how to run their own household.”
“Of course it was your place,” Severus snapped. “You put him there.”
“I did what I thought was right,” said Dumbledore. “I also know that if you looked a bit closer, you’d see that I am not the only one who has made some hasty and inaccurate judgments. Severus, Harry is not James.”
“He is the spitting image of him,” said Severus bitterly.
“In looks perhaps,” Dumbledore replied. “But speaking as someone who has actually taken the time to get to know him, I find him to be much more like Lily in nature. He was very worried about you last night and upset with me for not staying.”
“Something he and I have in common apparently,” Severus said.
“Oh, I think if you’d open your eyes to it, you would realize that the two of you have quite a bit in common,” said Dumbledore.
Severus shook his head. He didn’t know what to say to that. Dumbledore may have a point, but it didn’t change anything about how he felt. Harry Potter was like a living walking trigger to Severus; a constant reminder of pain, trauma, and his biggest regrets.
“Potter saw Draco in his vision and asked about him,” Severus shared grimly, after a long minute of silence. “I told him not to judge him because of what his father’s done. I realize that makes me a hypocrite, but it doesn't matter.”
“It never is easy to forgive something that caused us such lasting harm,” Dumbledore said gently. “Especially when no remorse was ever shown or an apology given. But all I see now is a cycle of abuse that is continuing to harm two people who don’t deserve it. Eventually you have to ask yourself who this is hurting? James is dead and Sirius is who he is. You’re still handing them so much power.”
“They destroyed me,” Severus admitted.
He’d have given anything to go back and live a different life. To not prove everyone right by becoming exactly what they had always said he would become: A Death Eater, friendless, alone, and a bad person. He would regret his choices forever - for giving away his power before he even realized that he had it.
“You risk your life and sacrifice your health and well-being every single day to change the things you want to change,” Dumbledore said. “That is more than enough for me. It should be enough for you too. You need to forgive yourself”
“I just want this to end,” said Severus numbly. “I don't care what he does to me - I need to be the one to bring him down and I need to keep Harry Potter safe. Maybe then, I'll be able to look at myself again but not until this is over.”
“Well, then I think you are quite on your way,” Dumbledore said quietly, as he stood up and prepared to leave. “Did you know that I gave Harry a choice earlier? I asked him whether he'd prefer to remain here or return to his aunt. He requested to remain here - curious, isn't it?”
“Not really,” Severus said coldly. “I spent the whole day in bed unconscious. He's had the run of the place. Why would he want to go back to his relatives? It's obvious he doesn't like it there.”
“I suppose,” said Dumbledore softly. “But what other options are there besides them?”
“Leave him here,” Severus muttered. He knew that he was being manipulated, but it seemed like the only logical decision and he was eager to end this conversation and return to bed. He could monitor Potter better if they remained together and hopefully have more opportunities to teach him Occlumency as well. “Now will that be all?”
“Yes, Severus,” Dumbledore smiled. “I think that takes care of everything.”