Remus was having a bad day. A very, very bad day.
He wasn’t sure exactly how this whole mess had started - maybe it was six years ago, when little Remus had gotten aboard an unfamiliar train and sat next to an unfamiliar boy.
Maybe it was four years ago, when two young Gryffindors rolled down a grassy hill together under the cover of darkness, and promised each other to always be the best of friends.
Maybe it was three years ago, when a certain long-haired boy crawled into bed with him due to a bad dream, and kept doing it every night since then.
Maybe it was a couple of months ago, when Remus had resigned himself to the fact that he was mildly (okay, pathetically) in love with his best friend, and that there was nothing he could do about it.
But that’s way too complicated.
Instead, we could start in a small classroom, where a ghostly Professor was trying to teach an exhausted room of students about goblin revolutions. History of Magic was a dull subject for most - full of wars and dates to memorize - but it was Remus’s favorite. He sought comfort in long essays on scrolls of parchment and the repetitive nature in which he could study the subject. History had a funny way of repeating itself.
But today, Remus couldn’t bring himself to enjoy it. Not that he didn’t find goblin revolutions interesting - he did. It was more the fact that he simply couldn’t focus, because Sirius kept hitting him on the back of the head with stupid notes.
They started off simple.
hi.
Remus ignored him steadfastly.
Moony Moony Moony Moony Moony
Ensuingly,
don’t you look charming today?
Remus turned around and gave Sirius a funny look. What was he playing at? Most likely trying to get homework answers out of him. Remus flipped the paper over, scribbled on it, and handed it back to him.
You don't.
It wasn't true, of course. If anything, Sirius looked more alluring than normal today. His sleeves were rolled up halfway so you could see his wrists and the smooth muscles of his forearms, and his long hair was tousled from an early morning quidditch practice. He winked at Remus and tore another paper from his book.
if i get this paper airplane through Binns' head, will you study with me tonight?
So he was trying to get homework answers from Remus. The lycanthrope shrugged, half-curious as to whether Sirius actually could make the shot. Sirius’s face scrunched up in concentration as he aimed the origami plane.
Unfortunately, the plane did not go through their spectral teacher's head. It went through his shoulder blade, cutting through the white veil that was once his skin. He didn't even turn around.
so close, Sirius wrote.
Not really. Remus wrote back. He flicked the paper onto Sirius’s desk without turning around.
why aren't you looking at me? The next note read.
Why are you only capitalizing proper nouns? Remus shot back.
they're the only important kind of noun
Fair.
you're my favorite noun
Go fuck yourself, Black.
Remus smiled despite himself, with the full knowledge that Sirius wouldn't be able to see. He was being silly. Compliments and stupid flirtations from Sirius were common - expected, even. They didn’t mean anything. Remus forced himself to imagine all the girls that Sirius must have called his “favorite noun”. It worked like a cold shower.
The notes continued persistently throughout the rest of the day. In Transfiguration, a class that Remus was not the best at but was determined to get an “Outstanding” in anyway, he ignored the notes out of sheer frustration. Remus wondered when Sirius would run out of things to say. The possibility seemed improbable.
i miss you
do you ever think about how birds can fly with their wings but we can't fly with our arms? it's unjust.
if you were a bird you would be one of those cute little brown ones with an off-white belly.
i think i would be a flamingo and James would be my twin flamingo
do you miss me? you miss me
Remus did, but hell would freeze over before he admitted that. He spent all of Transfiguration thinking about how Sirius missed him. Or at least, he said he did. Remus imagined letting the other boy study with him tonight, and how he would get Sirius all to himself, to stare at by the light of the fireplace. The way Sirius would chew on his lower lip when he was confused, and Remus could have an excuse to sit by him while they highlighted passages out of a textbook together.
“Lupin?” McGonagall tapped him on the head. Remus’s gaze shot upward to face the professor.
“What…” He said, groggily.
The professor raised a singular, judgmental eyebrow. “Class is over.” She gestured to the empty classroom. His friends were waiting for him in the hallway with amused smirks.
Sirius Black was going to be the cause of Remus John Lupin failing his OWLs.
*******
This whole note-passing system that Sirius had developed was more of a pain than Remus had anticipated. Teachers were starting to notice, even Professor Slughorn, who was more clueless than a lamppost. “Mr. Black, what are you doing?” He said, catching Sirius in quite an awkward position of crawling under the desk to slip a note in Remus’s pocket.
“You could have just levitated it!” Remus said angrily, once they were back in the common room. “There was no need to crawl under the desk like a dog!”
“Aw, but Moony, what's the fun in that?” Sirius grinned.
“I’m guessing there's not a lot of fun in the detention that earned you, either.” Remus pointed out.
“It was worth it.”
Remus went straight into his bed, that night, closing the curtains so the other boys knew he was focusing. He absorbed himself in his History textbook, disregarding the notes that crunched in his pocket every time he moved.
Yes, Remus had kept all of them. Yes, he knew it was stupid, and no, he wouldn’t be throwing them away. They were too sweet and too idiotic. It was a soppy concept that Remus was determined to hold on to. He turned on a lamp and ignored the steady setting of the sun. James, Peter, and Sirius clambered about their room, the gentle babble of small talk and quills against paper creating white noise in the background. Remus could write soliloquies about nights like these.
It must have been past midnight when he put down his textbooks. Remus dropped them to the floor as quietly as possible, hoping the other boys were too far into sleep to hear.
He tucked himself into the first layer of blankets - too hot for the full set - and blew out the candle that had been burning at his bedside. The notes were still in his pocket, and Remus was too frightened that someone would see them to put them anywhere else.
A soft patter of footsteps could be heard. Remus prayed that the closed curtains were enough to give Sirius the message that he shouldn’t sleep there tonight.
Maybe Sirius had received the message, but Padfoot hadn’t. There was a scrambling of paws, and the black dog jumped into bed with him. The gentle animal seemed heedful, like he knew he wasn’t supposed to be there.
“Sirius,” Remus groaned.
Padfoot transformed, morphing into a nervous teenage boy sitting cross-legged on the bed. Remus glanced at Sirius’s slender fingers, which were fidgeting with a silver ring. He twisted it once, twice, three times, and then back the other way before he said anything.
“You didn’t respond to any of my notes in Transfiguration. Or Potions.” He said.
“Yes, well, you got caught in Slughorn’s class, didn’t you?” Remus rubbed his eyes.
“Still,” Sirius frowned. “Are you mad at me?”
God, what a fucking idiot, Remus thought. Yeah, like he could ever be mad at Sirius. He was mad at himself, and the way his eyes lingered too long on the other boy, and the way he got jealous whenever Sirius was with a new girl, and the way Remus had snuck off into a corridor after potions to read the note he had gotten caught over, which said,
i was watching you make your befuddlement draught. you look like one of those handsome muggle professors in the movies you took me to over the summer. like Robin Williams!
And Remus was mad at himself for interpreting the note as he did. For filling himself with false hope.
“No, Sirius, I’m not mad.” Remus sighed and rolled over. “Just stressed about exams.” It was an easy lie.
“Okay,” the other boy said, voice small. “I can still be here tonight, can’t I?”
“Okay,” Remus said, because trying to resist was a battle he would never win.
Sirius always felt smaller in the nighttime. During the day, his rambunctious personality could make up for the fact that the boy was barely over 5’10. Nobody could tell that someone so perfect, so god-like, so picturesque, could fit in the crook of Remus’s body like a stuffed bear.
Maybe it was only he that knew how Sirius shrunk; because at night, there was nothing to distract him from thoughts of his family circling his brain, weaving their way into his nightmares.
Remus could always tell when Sirius was having nightmares. Most of the time, the way they slept was passive - strictly mate-like: one’s back to the other’s front. When nightmares hit, Sirius would turn towards him, and tuck his head in the crook of Remus’s chest. It was almost too intimate for him to handle, but he allowed it. Sirius needed this, whatever this was.
*******
The next morning Remus was still in his school trousers. The notes were still in his pocket. Sirius was still lying beside him. The world was temporarily still.
He breathed in the silence, savoring the feeling of Sirius’s nose pressed into his chest, his gentle breaths sending ripples through the cloth of Remus's shirt. He starkly remembered being woken up last night to Sirius’s terrified gray eyes, and him tugging Remus’s hand around him for comfort. He remembered having to whisper, “Shhh. Shhh. It’s just a nightmare.” Over and over, until Sirius fell asleep again. His hand was still draped over the other boy’s waist, and Remus quickly withdrew it out of embarrassment. Imagine if James walked in on them like this.
“Mmm…” Sirius murmured, and reached for Remus’s arm. “Come back.”
“I can’t,” Remus whispered. “We can’t.”
“Can’t what?” Sirius frowned, squinting up at Remus. The light of morning was starting to crawl through the shades, illuminating Sirius like an angel.
Remus started to get out of bed. “Nothing. We just ought to get up. Exam day!”
“God, I forgot,” Sirius groaned. “I can’t believe we have Potions this early in the morning.”
Remus had already gotten up, leaving Sirius to his own lamentations in bed. He shuffled about, careful as to not wake Peter. James had already left for morning quidditch practice, probably hours ago. He fetched a new uniform from his dresser, and gratefully removed his old one. The shirt stuck to him - the aftereffects of a warm spring night and two people sleeping in a bed made for one.
His stomach churned with anxiety, though he was alright at Potions, and Slughorn had assured him several times that he knew more than enough about the pros and cons of a fatiguing draught. In this fit of misplaced nervousness, it entirely slipped Remus’s mind that there were things he was attempting to hide in his pocket, and as he removed his trousers to put on new ones, all of Sirius’s notes from the previous day tumbled disastrously onto the floor.
“Shit!” Remus swore, louder than he intended to. “Shit, shit, shit…” He knelt to the floor, scrambling to pick them all up.
“Alright, Moony?” Sirius said, poking his head out of the curtains. Remus swore under his breath, again.
There were still notes on the ground, but hopefully, they just looked like scraps of parchment, not…
“Are those my notes?”
“No,” Remus said, unconvincingly. “Go back to sleep!”
Sirius grabbed for one before Remus could intervene. “They are! This is the one about what type of bird you are. I looked it up, it’s called a “house sparrow”, actually…”
Remus could feel the heat rising in his cheeks. “Mm,” he said impassively. “Must have stuffed them in my pocket without thinking.”
“Bullshit, Moony.” Sirius grinned. “You like my notes! I knew you liked my notes!”
“Did not,” Remus grumbled.
“Did so,” Sirius teased. “Well, I’ll have to keep this going, then. Reckon Slughorn would allow me to pass you notes during the exam today?”
“Definitely not,” Remus laughed, relieved that Sirius hadn’t thought too hard about why Remus kept the notes.
“Ah, I’ll find a way.” Sirius sighed.
*******
Potions was the only subject that didn’t have proctors. It was only old Slughorn, who was sitting in the front of the class, a gummy smile on his face. He had arranged the tables in a sort of U formation around the room, probably to minimize cheating. Scrolls of parchment were set on each desk, their malicious, white faces taunting Remus.
He made to sit next to Sirius and James, but Slughorn cleared his throat. “The seats are assigned, Lupin. Find your name on the top corner of one of the papers.
"Low blow, Professor," Sirius protested. "I need Remus to cheat off of!"
"You will do nothing of the sort." Slughorn frowned, like he couldn't decide if Sirius was joking or not.
Remus laughed at his friend, who stuck his tongue out at him. "Guess you’ll just have to read my mind,” he taunted, from across the room.
Sirius sent back a mischievous smirk.
“Okay, everyone!” Professor Slughorn’s voice boomed. “As we have discussed, this test will be two hours and thirty minutes long, with a multiple-choice section, some written-response questions, and a short essay. I wish everyone the best of luck, and no cheating! That means you, Mr. Black!”
“Aye, aye, captain.” Sirius grinned. A couple of girls tittered in the back, and Remus glared.
He focused his attention on his test, frowning in concentration.
What is a possible side effect of a Pepperup potion?
Remus circled A, steam coming out of the ears. Were the questions all going to be this easy?
A small headache brimmed temporarily in his skull, and Remus willed it to go away. Now was not the time for his body to collapse on him.
“Hey, Moons!”
Remus glanced up in surprise to see who was talking to him, but everyone was focusing intently on their papers. He must be imagining things. Remus stared back at his test, scribbling down another answer.
"You look cute when you're focusing like that, you know."
So he was hallucinating. It sounded like Sirius’s voice, but Sirius was (1) looking conspicuously hard at his sheet of parchment, and (2) would never in a million years call Remus cute.
“Like hell, I wouldn’t call you cute! I call you cute all the time, you just never listen!” The voice protested.
“Who the fuck is this?!” Remus thought.
“Oh. I thought we had established that it was me. Sirius. I’m in your mind.”
"WHAT THE FUCK?"
"Merlin, calm down. It’s not legilimency, it's telepathy. James taught me the spell. It's technically illegal dark magic, but I think it's fun."
"Get out of my mind, idiot!"
Remus shook his head violently, trying to remain focused on his exam. How many Lionfish spines are used in one batch of Herbicide?
Four, easy. Or was it five?
"I'm saying five because I like the number better. It's even-er." Sirius’s voice echoed in his brain.
"Five is an odd number."
"It feels even to me," Sirius insisted.
"Idiot."
"Leave me alone."
"You're the one in my mind!" Remus thought indignantly. Could Sirius really hear all of his thoughts?
“Too right, I can.” Sirius’s voice responded. “Wouldn’t want you withholding test answers from me, now would we?”
Fucking great. Alright, so, avoid any of those thoughts regarding Sirius, and he would be fine.
"Why are we avoiding thoughts involving me?"
Sirens went off in Remus’s head. The more he tried not to think about something, the more he always ended up thinking about it. Sirius needed to get out of his mind, now.
"Oh, please get out, you're going to make me fail this exam..." Remus pleaded with his friend. Bloody unjust that Sirius could hear all his thoughts but not the other way around. The things he would do to know what Sirius thought of him.
"What exactly would you do?" Sirius’s voice teased.
"Nothing! Go away!"
Remus screwed up his eyes, trying to will Sirius out of his mind. It was quiet for a moment, so he stared down at his paper. How long should a Polyjuice Potion stew before usage?
A month. A month and four days, if you wanted it to last 30 minutes longer. Remus scribbled down this note on the side.
"You're so smart." Sirius’s voice cooed.
"I thought I told you to get out!"
"Okay, here's the thing: only James knows the counter-curse." Sirius thought, semi-apologetically.
"You're kidding." Remus felt his mouth dry.
"No, I'm Sirius."
"One day, you're going to embarrass someone's kids so well."
“Thank you, Moony.” Sirius’s voice said. “That’s all I ever wanted.”
Remus ignored him again, and pressed a palm into his forehead. Ok, ok, how long should you leave asphodel roots out to dry before adding them to a potion? Six days, give or take?
"I'm saying five again. Such a nice number."
"You're self-obstructing, you know." Remus scoffed, in his head.
"Moony and his fancy words."
"Sirius and his stupid words." And his hair, and his cheekbones, and his grin.
"My cheekbones, eh?"
Oh, shit. "Get the fuck out of my head!" Remus thought, furiously.
"Would if I could."
"The answer to 16 is b," Remus told him, for lack of a better thought.
"God, I love you."
"I love you, too."
Remus clapped a hand to his mouth, making several people look up to stare at him. Sirius had his knuckles pressed into his lips to repress a smile. He caught Remus’s eye.
Remus wanted to melt through the floor and disappear, forever. God, he hated himself. And Sirius probably hated him, too - though he didn’t look it. Once he figured out Remus was queer, the friendship would be over faster than you could snap your fingers. He probably knew, now, and the stupid smile he was wearing was in mockery of Remus, ready to expose him to the entire class.
He pressed his forehead into the table, the headache becoming worse by the second. Remus hated Sirius, and the way he tossed those words around so easily. He hadn’t said “I love you” to someone since his mom died. Remus wasn't sure he would ever be able to say 'I love you' out loud. God, why did he have to be so fucked?
Why did Sirius say things like that? Was it just something he told everyone, a phrase to toss around to make people happy? Was it some side-effect of having the world be in love with him? That made his heart so full, while Remus’s was just scattered in pieces around his body?
"I love you, dammit!" Sirius exclaimed. Out loud.
The entire class looked up. The other students looked at him like he was crazy. He was, so it wasn't really anything new.
James started snickering from the other side of the room, and Remus sank in his seat, head so close to the table that his nose touched the parchment. Why was this happening now?
"Confessing love to Professor Slughorn, Padfoot?" James whisper-shouted, a wide grin on his face.
"Yep!" Sirius smirked back. A few people giggled.
"Be quiet," Slughorn said, sternly. "Or I am afraid I'll have to fail both of you."
"I'm sorry, Sirius, I don't think he feels the same way." James shook his head, glancing up at their confused professor.
Sirius gasped, putting a hand over his heart. "Horace! How could you? What about... our baby?!"
Slughorn pressed his mouth into a firm line. “Black. Out in the hall. Now.”
Sirius shot Remus a wink, and followed the fuming teacher out of the class.
“I love your smart arse, Lupin. Ace the test for me, will you?”