Remus Lupin did not break down. He could be short with people and he dripped sarcasm. But he was in control of his emotions. when Sirius, the ever emotional marauder had asked about it, the answer was simple; he couldn’t control his own body. So ratter he controlled his mind and heart. James Potter put this on the shortlist of saddest things he’d ever heard. Sirius however just nodded and when Pete returned from the kitchens they simply went back to their game of exploding snap.
That had been in second year. Now in fifth, James could say with confidence he had not seen Remus Lupin break down. He'd seen him screaming in agony once a month. He has seen him keep secrets that chipped at his soul and saw the self-loathing in his eyes. But he has never seen him cry or complain. Remus simply endured it. He schooled his features to neutrality and steeled those hazel eyes. He knew Remus used this as a shield and wished he didn’t have to. Remus had helped him through tears time after time, yet he stayed stoic.
So when James walked into the dorm to see his dear friend shaking from the sheer force of his sobs, he thought the world might have ended. He closed the door quietly, his brain moving faster than he thought possible. He wanted to help, he had to help, but he knew moony wouldn’t want him there. He was solitary in his emotions and this was clearly out of his control. James always knew how to make his friends feel better, a hug or shoulder or his favourite a well-timed joke or prank. But this? He could help Sirius or Pete with this but now he was just at a loss. Never in his life did he expect to see Remus crumpled on the floor of the dorm, heaving and gasping as held his arms to his chest. He wanted to help. But really, James didn’t know what to do.
As if merlin himself had heard his pleas, a familiar voice shook him from the whirlwind in his mind. “Watcher Prongs?” the raven-haired boy greeted as he reached for the door handle to their room. Without much thought James' arm shot out, grabbing the other boy's wrist. Sirius looked up at him for an explanation. But was only met with a shake of his head. This for Sirius did not seem to be enough of an explanation as he wrenched his hand free and tried for the door again only to find his wrist again taken by James.
“Oi-“
“Don't.”
“Jamie, what are you on about?” Sirius questioned still oblivious to mind destroying events happening in the room he stood in front of. At a loss for words, James shook his head again before taking a deep breath.
“I umm, I think moony is in there crying?” once the words began they just kept coming, “I don’t know what to do? He’s just so private about that stuff pads and I don’t want to make it worse. Fuck mate I don’t know how to help him. And I feel so useless-“
“James”
Sirius’s firm voice cut through his tangent. James reeled himself in before looking to his brother with frantic eyes. “Calm down, I can handle this one. Wait in the commons for a bit.”
Nodding dumbly, James agreed and set down towards the common room. He found himself on a chair, staring into the fire. He sat there, staring, as his thoughts kept racing. he had only been sitting for a few minutes when he stood and walked to the dorm again. He didn’t know what he was going to do but he had to do something. He was not the type to just wait. When he got to the door he could hear snatches of conversation, broken up by heavy, wet sobs.
He could pick out a few words, each one sticking his heart like a needle.
‘Monster.’ James took a breath steeling himself. ’Not worth this” another breath. ‘I'm just so tired pads.’ James’ next breath stuttered in his chest as he began to crack the door open. Allowing the full conversation to hit him.
“so fucking tired, I can’t do this. I'm not worth this I'm fucking everything up.”
“Rem please-“ James could hear the heartbreak of his brother's words.
“No, I just I’m so fucking tired. I’m just sick of fighting. I'm a broken mess and I can't be fixed and I’m fucking my life up and now I’ve fucked yours up too!” Another sob broke through his fevered words.
“Moons, you haven’t fucked my life up.”
“I have, I’ve ruined everything. Like the fucking monster I am.”
“Rem you’re not a monster.” This was met with a thick humourless laugh.
“I am. I'm disgusting. I'd be better off alone for the moons.”
“You don’t mean that.”
“Yes, I do.”
“ No you don’t” Sirius’ voice was horse and tears were falling steadily now. “You get hurt on the moons and I can help now love-“
“I don’t deserve you’re helping..” Remus' voice shook as he cut the other crying boy off. He followed it up with another shaking whisper, “Pads, I don’t know who I am when I’m not in pain.”
James couldn’t listen anymore. He knew he couldn’t help much but he knew Sirius was bound to be crying now too and fuck he needed to help. He opened the door without hesitance to find a scene that again, made him feel as if the world was possibly, maybe ending again.
Sirius Black, on his knees kissing the tears off of his friend's face as his own slid down his cheeks. he franticly whispered between each one, his voice hard and full of conviction.
“You don’t deserve it.” Kiss. “You’re perfect.” kiss. “I love you, moons.” kiss. “Please Rem.” kiss.
oh…
oh.
James shut the door as quickly as quietly as he could. despite his desire to help, it seemed Sirius offered comfort that he could not. Worse yet he seems to be well versed in what to do and thankfully it seemed to be working. Going back to his fire staring in the common room, James potter made a few mental notes.
1. Remus lupin broke down. He was not as stoic as once though.
2. Remus lupin now took up a sizeable chunk of the list of saddest things James Fleamont potter has ever witnessed.
3. Sirius black was the one to call if Remus needed help. His hugs would simply not suffice in this situation.
4. Sirius black said I love you to Remus lupin in a way that made James avert his eyes. It was too private to watch. Too filled with sheer emotion.
5. This was not the first time Sirius had to comfort Remus in this way.
So James sat by the fire contemplating his new outlook. Still not convinced this hasn’t been the end of the world. The world hadn’t ended, de decided, his perception of it was just a little bit different.
About an hour later, James returned to the dorm, with a letter clenched in his hand. When he entered he saw a sight that would earn itself a place in the list of most heartwarming things James potter had ever seen. The werewolf was asleep upon the other boy's chest. His puffy red eyes closed and his hands gripped Sirius’ jumper. Sirius held him close with his head resting on the other boy's tawny curls. James smiled sadly as he crept to Remus's bed and placed his letter on the pillow before returning to the common room. Remus would be okay. He had Sirius and now he had James. His support would involve less kissing and more quiet assurance but anything he could do James thought was something.
Moons,
I just wanted to write you a quick list, you know I’m a fan of those. This list will consist of all the lovely things about you. I cant help the way Sirius does but lists I can do.
An (incomplete) list of the amazing aspects of our moony.
1. You may be the smartest bloke i’ve ever met.
2. Helps Pete with his homework long after we’ve given up.
3. Unfailingly kind (see above)
4. A wit sharp enough to cut (a nice cake I think)
5. Wonderfully brave.
6. How you are mind to our mindless mischief.
7. How you smile when we tell you about our moonlight adventures.
8. You are one of my very best mates and I trust you more than myself.
You get the short list for now because I will run out of ink at this rate. (Pete knocked over a few of my jars. (All of them)) However know this list extends pages long. I cant put into words how important you are to us moony. How perfect you are. I love you (not like Sirius does but still an awful lot). You don’t deserve pain, if anything you deserve compensation for said pain. (This is a hidden message. Pete has a box of chocolate frogs under his left pillow.))
I’m here when u need me
-Prongs
-fin-