Chapter 5
Lena stands there, resolute to give Kara her undivided attention. Her chin trembles and her lower lip wobbles as she fights against the massive breakdown she can feel building. Kara’s words are harsh but truthful. She must admit to either being hypocritical or believing that Kara is responsible for her family’s wrongdoings. While she logically knows this, there is a tiny voice in the back of her head clarifying that Kara was too young to intercede in her parents’ failures while Lena knows better about her brother. She swallows the point of correction down, knowing that it’s just another excuse.
Lena remains silent even when Kara is clearly done with her rant. She knows that she should say something, but she doesn’t trust herself. Before she knows it, Kara lands gently in front of her and wraps her into a warm and tight hug. Confused but pleased, she quickly pulls Kara even closer than before, hugging her just as fiercely. Lena lets her sobs loose.
“Sh, sh, sh. It’s okay, Lee. You’re okay. I love you. I know you don’t think those things about me. I know you love me, too. Forgive my crassness. I just needed you to see it – to see the unnecessary pain you put yourself through.”
“I- I’m – so- sorry,” Lena hiccups through her cries.
“I know you are. I want you to be gentle on yourself. I don’t blame you for Lex’s actions. I swear to Rao I don’t. I need you not to blame yourself either.”
Kara winces as Lena squeezes tighter. The moment Lena feels it, she scrambles backwards. Kara has to let her otherwise she risks hurting her with her strength. “I’m okay, Lee. I promise.”
“Stop saying that… please. I just hurt you. Let me look?”
Lena’s eyes are glued to where the sweatshirt hides the open wounds. Her tears and obvious shame are too much for Kara to bear. Kara slowly undoes the zipper even though Lena isn’t going to like what she sees. The gasp echoes loudly in the room. Lena’s fingertips barely brush the agitated skin surrounding the stitches.
“Kara,” Lena’s voice breaks. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“I’m okay. It only hurt for a moment.” Kara’s presses her hand into Lena’s, forcing her to press her palm against Kara’s warm skin. She lets Lena have this moment, if only briefly, to feel this guilt. Kara whispers, “Let’s go sit by the fireplace and talk, hm? I’ll pour you a glass of scotch.”
With a tiny nod, Lena allows herself to be handled as Kara guides her to their living room. Kara turns on the electric fireplace and goes to their liquor cabinet. When she hands Lena the glass, she plops herself as close to the woman as possible. She’s patient. She waits for Lena to gather her thoughts.
“Darling, I- I don’t even know what to say.”
“Well let’s just start with you have no need to be sorry. I don’t blame you for anything, but if it helps, I forgive you.”
Lena lets out a wet laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. She wipes away the tears with her palms. It’s useless because the tears are still flowing.
“What’s so funny?” Kara says with a soft smile, trying to lighten the mood.
“When Alex told me that the red veins meant Red Kryptonite, this is not what I had envisioned. You described yourself as much more…”
“A vindictive goddess?” Kara helpfully supplies.
“Yeah, that. I did not anticipate it to be more…”
“Brutally honest girlfriend?”
Lena chuckles again as she wipes away more tears. After a few moments, her face falls back into a somber expression. “Why haven’t you said any of this before?”
Kara sighs and pulls Lena into her. “I guess I was trying to give you time. Healing doesn’t just happen. Major changes in belief systems also don’t just change overnight. I was being patient and understanding. The Red K doesn’t just ‘turn me evil.’ It just brings forth my darkest thoughts. Those… those were my darkest thoughts about how much pressure you put on yourself. I- I’m sorry for us being in this position right now.”
Lena nuzzles into Kara’s shoulder. “Kar, we promised each other to be as honest as we can when we can. This is one of those times that you are just being more honest in the moment than you usually can be. Don’t apologize for that. I want to know these things. I- I didn’t realize how much these things hurt you… You might not fully believe them, but on some level you have wondered. You are right, darling. I am being hypocritical.”
Kara smiles softly at the admission. “I know it’s hard. I still struggle with feeling responsible for my aunt’s capture when it was my mother’s actions that led to- Well, anyways. I know how hard it is. I’m not mad at you.”
Lena looks her over carefully. She takes a deep breath before continuing, “You certainly seemed like you were. It’s okay if you were mad-”
Kara is quick to cut her off, “I was more upset that you were putting yourself through that torment than anything else. You don’t need to feel responsible or guilty about this. You didn’t did this to me. I need you to know that I know you will figure this all out. Because you always do. We always do.”
“El mayarah,” Lena whispers. Kara’s looking at her in that soft way; the way that screams that Lena is worthy of love. Her eyes flit down to Kara’s lips.
Kara pulls Lena’s face towards her slowly. Her hand tangles in that soft, black hair. She moans lightly at the first taste of salty, soft lips. She savors the moment, letting it last until Lena needs to pull back for air.
Lena’s fingers trace down Kara’s face and neck. “Should we have done that? I don’t know the rules of consent when you are under the influence.”
Kara scoffs lightly, “I can still consent, Lee.”
“I’ll have to take your word for it,” she whispers before pulling her girlfriend in for another one. It heats up quickly even though it very much started purely out of seeking comfort and reassurance. It takes all of 10 seconds before Lena is wrapping her hands around Kara’s more adventurous ones and intentionally slowing down the kisses. Holding Kara’s hands in her lap and keeping her forehead and nose pressed against Kara’s, she whispers, “We should stop.”
Kara lets out a deep, frustrated sigh, “Why do you have to be so- so- in control all the time.”
The tone is gentle and purely coming from sexual frustration, but it doesn’t stop Lena from pulling back slightly in surprise.
“No, no. Not like you are thinking,” Kara rushes to add before there can be any misunderstanding.
“Care to explain, then?” Her eyebrow arches up, and she can’t help but feel slightly on edge by the comment. It’s been an emotional day, and it feels like walking a tightrope in severe winds; she’s doomed to fall off the deep end.
“You are just always so good and so thoughtful. You are always thinking about the headspace I’m in and stop to check in when all I want is for you to think about you. I can tell you are turned on right now. Heightened senses, remember? And you probably are feeling a need to feel close to me right now after all the extreme emotions. At least, I know that I am feeling that. And yet you just always have to stop when we both clearly want to move forward.”
“Because I value our relationship, Kara.” Lena abruptly pushes away from Kara and moves to the fireplace. She refuses to show the woman the tears that are welling up in her eyes. She steels her voice some to try to hide her emotions. “Because I never want us to risk what we have for a quick romp in the sheets.”
“Quick?” Kara quips with a level of sarcasm.
Lena scoffs.
“We were just having a nice moment, and now you are all broody, again.”
The words cut. There was no malice behind them, but they still bother Lena. Kara has never mentioned any of this before. Lena prides herself on checking in frequently, making sure no lines are crossed unnecessarily. A heavy silence fills the air. Lena refuses to look back. She battles herself in her head. She knows that she would get the unfiltered thoughts out of the Red K Kara, but she feels like that would be taking advantage of the situation. She doesn’t know how much Kara would want to reveal, and she is guessing that it was never this much that she wanted out in the open. Lena still needs to protect Kara, even from herself.
“We are putting a pin in this conversation until you are free of the Red K. I’ll be in the lab working on a solution,” Lena states definitively before storming off. She doesn’t spare a single glance.
Kara stays seated on the couch with her veins glowing red. A part of her knows that she shouldn’t have pushed it, but the Red K is muting that voice. The louder voice is screaming at her that Lena should take whatever the hell she wants, that she should be more like a Luthor.