Albus Dumb Door and Severe Snob weren’t in the mood to party.
This was to be expected, since the narrator of this incredibly joyful story wasn’t in the mood to let them party. Ever.
So instead of joining all the people at Hogwarts for their yearly feast, they went out into the forbidden forest.
Why, you may ask yourself now.
I mean, if your names are Dumb Door and Severe Snob, you sometimes do things that aren’t … beneficial.
“What are we doing out here, Professor Dumb Door?” Severe Snob had asked him on that fateful night.
Albus didn’t turn around on his way into the forbidden forest, barely slowing down, when Severe Snob stumbled over a protruding root.
“We are on our way to get eaten by Aragog”, Dumb Door finally answered after they had crossed the invisible border, separating school ground and forbidden forest.
His voice was a dreamily sing song, sounding like a chipmunk suffering with constipation.
“Who is Aragog?”, Severe Snob asked, spitting out mud.
“The Spider who will eat us.”
Severe Snob rolled his eyes, letting out an annoyed huff. He wasn’t serious, was he?
“No, Sirius is in Azkaban”, Dumb Door said, obviously having read Severe Snob‘s thoughts.
But that couldn’t be possible.
“Anything is possible if the narrator wants it. And the narrator wanted me to be able to read your thoughts, so that they could make an extremely unfunny Sirius joke, which is extremely important for the comedic affect of this story.”
“Right.” Severe Snob was still confused by the whole situation, but he let it slip. As I said, he wasn’t the brightest boy. Because maybe his fate would’ve turned, if he hadn’t trusted Dumb Door so blindly that evening.
Maybe, he would still be alive today.
*evil laugh* Anyway, back to it.
Their way through the forest was mostly calm, only the sound of Dumb Door‘s old bones occasionally cracking through the silence.
“You are really old.” Severe Snob remarked.
“I know.”
“Can you even eat properly?”
Curiosity had taken over Severe Snobs’ mind, making him talkative.
Dumb Door didn’t mind the dark haired annoyance; he had a spliff earlier and was thoroughly chill.
“I don’t, but Aragog can.”
Severe Snobs’ eyes turned wide.“Wicked.”(As I said, not the brightest boy.)
“That‘s what Aragog said.” Dumb Door giggled, visibly proud of his bad joke.
Suddenly, the air to his lungs seemed to be cut off, leaving hollow coughs.
His expression turned agitated, as he held his throat.
Severe Snob watched him suffocate, jaw dropping. (not the brightest, you know.)
The old professor fell to the ground, his coughs developing into a bizarre, choking noise.
“Are you dead?” Severe Snob mumbled warily, after Dumb Door had stopped moving.
He was pretty old…
“Ha!”
Severe Snob jumped back, flabbergasted.
“Gotcha!” Dumb Door got back on his feet in a few seconds, while pointing a long, shriveled finger at Severe Snob.
“You really thought I died.” He laughed.
It was a loud, hoarse laugh.
Severe Snob solely stared at him.
“You ought to stop doing that, Professor.”
“Oh cheer up, have a bit of fun. Your mother used to be so much fun.”
“My m-mother?”, Severe Snob stammered, studying his feet.
“Yes, Severe Snob, that’s right.“ Dumb Door turned solemn, as if he was remembering ancient times.
“I am your father.”
It was like a punch in the guts, painfully impossible. Severe Snob looked up, his face turning to stone. “That can’t be.”
“You’re right”, Dumb Door agreed cheerfully. “I‘m just joking. Always wanted to say that.”
This dodgy behavior went on throughout their whole journey.
The trees reached high up, letting almost no moonlight through.
Soon, Severe Snob turned bored.
“Can we get eaten already?”, he cried out, slouching his shoulders.
As if it only waited for him to say something, a giant spider walked out of the hidden darkness of the shrubbery.
“A snack”, it said.
Aragog ate Dumb Door and Severe Snob.