So, what does it all come down to?
Love?
Love.
Sirius woke up curled up in Remus’ arms. His first instinct was to bury himself even deeper before he realised with a pang that Remus was very much awake. He immediately pulled away. Remus looked down at him. “What are you doing?” he asked, smirking a bit.
Sirius blushed and sat up on the couch in the common room. “What do you mean?” he asked back.
“Well why did you jump away the second you woke up?” Remus was still grinning at him and Sirius got the odd feeling that Remus knew something he didn’t.
Sirius bit his lip and raised his eyebrows. “I didn’t.” He turned away hotly. “And anyway what is this? Some kind of interrogation?” He wasn’t sure why he got so defensive. Although actually that was a lie since he could not imagine a worse scenario than Remus finding out about his little crush. If you can even call it that. Regulus used infatuated love the last time he had forgotten about the time while rambling about Remus to his little brother.
Remus still hadn’t stopped smirking at Sirius and his fear of being found out strengthened. But was Remus really cruel enough to make fun of his feelings? And how could he have discovered it anyways? There was nothing unusual about them sharing a couch. With a sudden clarity Sirius remembered the dream he had had the night before.
…
Remus and he had sneaked out of the dorm at night because both had not been able to sleep. It had been Remus idea and after raiding the kitchens they had found themselves in the common room, watching the fire and talking about this and that.
“You know I have never understood why James is so obsessed with Evans. Like after five years, you’d think he would search for some kind of substitute.” Sirius joked.
“Well I don’t know, Pads. What if she really is the one for him? Is he supposed to just give up? That’s not very Gryffindor of you.”
Sirius shoved him and they both fell to the floor in a giggling mess. But their laughs soon stopped when they realised that Sirius was laying directly over Remus, their chests pressed together tightly. Sirius slowly breathed in and out but did not dare move. Instead he focused on the little silver necklace around Remus’ neck, a star dangling from it. He had given it to Remus on his last birthday and it matched the moon one around his own neck.
“Would you?” Remus breathed barely above a whisper. His eyes had lost their daring shadow and looked at Sirius so intensely he blushed.
“Would I what?” Sirius mumbled, too lost in the brown eyes inches from his own to follow Remus’ train of thought.
Remus stared at him and spoke slowly: “Would you give up on the one? Would you give up if you have loved them for years? If there is no light at the end of the tunnel but you still cannot get them out of your head? If they even hunt you in your dreams? Would you stop trying even though you cannot see yourself with anyone else? Would you give up on him just like that?”
Sirius’ head swam in thoughts and his heart threatened to jump out of his chest but the only word that left his mouth was: “Him?”
Remus blushed furiously but nodded.
It was all too much. It was all too good. It was all not true, Sirius decided. “Well depends if he likes you back…” He clambered on to the idea of Remus, his Moony, liking some other boy, anything to not put his heart on the line, to not lose the last shred of sanity he had and let hope in.
But when Remus bit his lip, brushed a strain of black hair behind Sirius’ ear and whispered: “ I do not know. Does he?”, Sirius had to stop denying himself happiness. He kissed him. And. Time. Stopped.
…
“Sirius?” Remus waved his hand in front of his face. Sirius only continued to stare at him. What if he had talked in his sleep? What if that is why Remus was smiling, teasing him like that? “Pads?” Remus still tried to reach him. Sirius scratched his neck and looked sheepishly at the other boy before mumbling a light “…yes?”
“You okay? You kind of zoned out for a bit.” Remus was still grinning and Remus doesn’t grin. At least not like this. Not like he knew all the secrets of the universe.
“I’m fine. Just tired, ‘s all.” He looked down and played with the rings on his fingers, not able to look Remus in the eye after remembering kissing him so vividly.
That is why he didn’t see Remus’ grin flatten and his brow arching. “Oh… I thought… I just thought…”
Sirius looked up at Remus’ stuttering, unsure where is confidence had gone. “You thought what?”
Remus blushed and shrugged. “Well, I thought that maybe… Maybe last night had meant something to you too.”
Now, Sirius visibly perked up, the confusion written all over his face. “Last night?” What had happened the night before? Sirius couldn’t for the life of him remember. So, he cocked his head and looked into his Moony’s eyes. He wanted to know what had made his smile vanish and destroy whatever it was. Entirely focused on the task at hand, he only partly noticed how James groaned from a chair on the other side of the room, closed his book, shook his head and walked up to their dorm room while mumbling something that almost sounded like: “F*cking oblivious idiots…”
Remus looked from right to left before whispering: “Well… You kissed me…?” He bit his lip and looked at a pale Sirius before scrunching his nose and pressing his eyes closed. “Nevermind. I was being stupid. Let’s just forget about it, alright?”
“Remus…”
“No, please, let’s not mention it. I- I gotta go.” Remus suddenly jumped up and a blind man could have seen that he was about to bolt, embarrassment gleaming redly from his cheeks.
“Moony.” Sirius said and grabbed the sleeve of Remus’ sweater. His mind was still clouded as dream melted with reality. His heart still wanted to jump out of his chest and he really did not know what to say, but he knew, more than he had ever known anything in his life, that he could not let Remus run away. That this, whatever it was, was more precious and important to him than words had power. He would not let himself ruin it. This was one thing he would not break. Remus deserved more than that.
“What?” Remus looked at him. All angry tears mixed with sad ones.
Sirius only shook his head before pulling him back down, right back in his arms. “Don’t go.” He said and slid closer. Then, he tilted his head up and his hand went to Remus’ cheek. They locked eyes as Sirius slowly leaned in, only closing them seconds before their lips locked as well. After kissing a for a while, Sirius reluctantly pulled back. “Obviously it meant something to me, twat.” He whispered and pecked Remus’ lips.