Chapter 1
Regulus stared at his reflection for a few moments, his fingers running through his hair. It was freshly cut, slightly wavy, and tamer than it had been in weeks. His ears felt exposed, the sides shaved closer to his skin than usual. He studied his reflection, squinting as he ensured he looked okay. He would be under scrutiny all day. He needed to look perfect. He fixed his blazer, straightening the collar of his white shirt. He hated getting dressed up for his parent's charity lunches, but he hadn’t really got a choice. He needed his rent paid, and an afternoon of free champagne seemed the easiest way of getting it.
He ran his hand through his hair again, avoiding looking at the purple bags under his eyes, or the gaunt look on his face. His cheekbones had gotten more prominent in the weeks since he’d left home. His cooking skills were no match for his parent's chef.
They had sent a town car for him, which waited for him outside his building, with a driver that held his door open, and shut it behind him, not saying anything in between. Regulus was happy enough to sit in silence for the ride to the hotel his parents had booked for the event. It helped keep his nerves at ease, although his leg still bounced the entire way.
The hotel was huge, with doormen standing at the grand entrance. Regulus’ driver opened his door for him, and Regulus nodded along as he explained he just had to be called whenever Regulus wanted to leave. The doormen opened the doors for him, bowing their heads as he passed. He let his feet carry him to the familiar ballroom in which he’d attended banquets before. He walked in with a cluster of other guests, all wearing expensive outfits, and fine jewels.
He could see his parents at the top of the room, smiling brightly at different people, and pretending to be nice people. Regulus felt his stomach twist at the sight of them. He looked away from them, quickly, his eyes travelling the decorated ballroom. Their party planner had really gone all out for the event. It was to save some sea creature that Regulus didn’t care very much about. His parents often picked a cause to suppose that not many other people cared about, or talked about, so they looked as if they had very important, caring, niche interests. Really, they just shuffled a selection of brochures every few weeks from a bunch of different charities and selected one at random.
Regulus went back to glancing around the room, eyes searching faces until he found one he recognised, and felt a familiar burn in his chest.
James Potter looked good, as usual. He wore a dark grey suit with no tie, his white shirt hanging open as the two top buttons remained undone. He looked taller than usual, with one hand in his trousers pocket, and the other clutching a champagne glass. He occasionally moved from foot to foot, his black converse reminding Regulus he was only 19, still a teenager like himself. He looked slightly older, though. His glasses were falling down his nose, and his hair was curlier than usual, a middle parting forcing him to push it back mid-conversation, as he also adjusted his glasses. Regulus watched him for a few moments, admiring the slight blush of crimson that tainted his bronze skin. He felt it would be rude to intrude on the conversation he was having with an older woman.
But the older woman was backing away, politely bowing out of the conversation, and Regulus was robotically making his way towards him. He couldn’t help himself. Where James was concerned, he could never help himself.
“Reggie!” James’ smile was like a drop of sunshine that had fallen to the earth, ready to brighten everyone’s day. Regulus felt himself melt again.
“Potter,” he offered a tight smile. James was an inch or two taller than him, standing at over 6 feet. It had intimidated Regulus when they were slightly younger, but he’d caught up enough to make it less noticeable. James still commented on it, though.
“All grown up, I see,” he said for the millionth time. Regulus rolled his eyes, shoving his own hands in his pockets, bashful all of a sudden.
“It hasn’t been that long since we saw each other,” he defended, but James was tutting.
“I missed your birthday, though. You’re 18 now, really grown up.”
Regulus held off a laugh. “You’re barely a year older than me.” James shrugged off the comment as if being 19 made him far superior. “Should I expect my gift in the post?”
James held out the champagne glass. “I brought it! Hold this!” Regulus did as he was told, feeling surprised at the idea of James getting him anything. They’d been friends for years, often trading occasional gifts, but it still made him jump. He took a sip of the champagne to calm himself, watching James dig through his blazer pocket. “Here!”
Regulus looked down at his outstretched hand, staring at the lighter in his palm. It was a plain white one, cheap, but James had written RAB on it in black marker. “A lighter?”
“A Reggie exclusive!” James snapped, almost offended he thought of it as just a lighter. “I thought you could use it for when you’re ‘not’ smoking.”
He was teasing but Regulus still felt a blush spread from his neck to his cheeks. “Thank you.”
“Don’t tell your brother, right?” And it all came back to him. The looming presence over James and Regulus’ entire relationship, his older brother, Sirius Black. He was James’ best friend, had been for all of secondary school, and was continuing to be in university. James was really only Regulus’ friend by association, and Sirius hated that.
“Is he here?” Regulus couldn’t help but ask. He no doubt would be, although the relationship he held with his parents was broken at best. It looked better for him to show up than to not. People would notice if he didn’t attend, and they didn’t particularly want an upset in public.
James shrugged a shoulder. “He will be if he isn’t already. He was grabbing Remus from work before he came, but I haven’t seen him since this morning.” Remus was his boyfriend. He was tall and handsome, and far too smart for his own good. He was partially the reason their parents hated their firstborn.
Regulus nodded, never really knowing what to say about his brother. Sirius didn’t like him much anymore. The main reason was that their parents still treated Regulus as their son, while they ignored Sirius on every avenue. He was favoured financially as well, which made Sirius jealous. He always let out a few biting remarks when they saw each other. Regulus believed he couldn’t help himself. He never really blamed him for it.
“So, he’s bringing Remus,” Regulus nodded again, attempting a jab at conversation. “Third-wheeling again.” They had been sidelined before like this. Once Remus and Sirius arrived they got caught up with each other, usually leaving James and Regulus to their own devices.
But James shook his head, taking a sip of his drink. “No, no, I brought a date.”
And there it was, the crushing feeling in Regulus’ stomach that he had so often experienced over the years. The reminder that although moments with James felt real, personal, and close, James Potter was not his. He belonged to whatever girlfriend he had at the time, or to his brother when they were staring into each other's faces for hours, or whatever they did together. James was always just out of grasp for him. Some sort of twisted pipe dream.
“Oh, right,” Regulus nodded, trying to regain normalcy in his head. “Are you hiding her?”
James laughed at that, shoulders shaking as he shook his head again. “She’s running late.”
Regulus nodded back, waving a waiter over so he could retrieve a glass of champagne from him. He took a long sip, ignoring the slightly bitter taste it left in his mouth. When he tipped his head back down James was watching him. “Peter’s in France.”
“Good for him,” Regulus nodded, automatically shutting down a little bit. He couldn’t help it. His insides felt a bit icy. “What’s he doing there?”
James took the bait, moving the conversation along slowly. “Seeing his sister. She’s living in a villa there, you know?”
“Lovely,” Regulus nodded.
“You have any plans for France before uni begins?” James tilted his head.
Regulus thought about it for a moment, trying to figure out if the thought had entered his head before this moment. “Maybe. I was going to go to Italy for a few days. I was thinking Rome, so I might…” He trailed off, watching as James lost interest in whatever he was saying, his eyes glancing over his shoulder. Regulus awkwardly turned his head, looking behind him.
The girl James was staring at was beautiful. She wore an emerald coloured dress that hugged her figure, and black high heels that made her seem tall, like a model. She approached in slow motion, her fiery hair flowing by her shoulders. She didn’t really seem real. But she was. And she was getting closer.
She grinned at James, perfect teeth on show. “God, traffic is bad today.” She had a light Surrey accent. She wasn’t from the same background as him and James, no doubt. But she looked like she was, as she kissed his cheek, her fingers grazing James’ cheek. “Think there was a protest on.”
“Well, you made it, Lily. That’s all that matters,” James was beaming at her, eyes full of something Regulus had never seen in person before; complete adoration. “You look smashing.”
“So do you,” she laid her hand on his chest as his arm wrapped around her waist. She smoothed his shirt although Regulus couldn’t see anything that needed smoothing.
He felt something twist inside him as he watched them. They looked like one of those famous couples you see in papers, or on red carpets. They looked right together. Perfect together. Regulus beside James looked shabby, tired, broken as a person. Lily looked bright and shimmery beside him. It almost made his chest hurt.
“You have to meet Regulus,” James said, nodding towards him. Regulus almost jumped in surprise. He forgot, somehow, that he wasn’t watching them from afar. These were real people, and they were real people he knew. “Sirius’ brother.”
That was how he was often introduced. The second Black son. He hated it, a little bit, but he supposed it would trigger Lily’s memory, which it did. She instantly smiled, brighter somehow, in his direction, letting go of James altogether as she stepped towards him. “Regulus!” She pulled him into a hug. “I’ve heard so much about you.”
Regulus tried not to cringe away from her, politely patting her shoulder. “Lovely to meet you, Lily,” he plucked the name from what James had said, hoping it wasn’t some flowery nickname he’d come up with. “You must be James’-“
“Girlfriend!” She finished for him, and he once again attempted to mask his surprise. “It’s crazy, I know,” she laughed, airily, her hand landing on his forearm. “But it’s fun, right? It’s fun. And your lovely parents were so kind to invite us to this.”
Regulus rose an eyebrow at her choice of words, attempting to combat the painful disappointment that was threatening to spill out of him. “Yes, they’re… Lovely.”
James almost laughed at that, covering it up with a quiet cough that made Lily glance at him before patting Regulus again. “You don’t look much like Sirius! Same colour eyes, but yours are bigger than his, and your hair is shorter…”
“Haircut, Reggie?” James questioned, watching his girlfriend continue her examination of him. Regulus nodded, vaguely, as Lily began swatting him in excitement.
“Reggie!” She exclaimed, full of energy. He almost jumped away from her. It sounded wrong when she said.
James was pulling her back to him, sliding his arm around her waist again. He kissed her cheek, shaking his head. “Sorry, Evans. I’m the only one who can call him that. You’ll have to think of something else.”
She blushed under his touch, and Regulus briefly thought of what that must be like, wrapped in James Potter’s arms with no shame as he kisses your cheek. He was frowning at the idea as a hand landed on his shoulder, a familiar clap on the back jolting him back to reality. “Brother!”
Regulus turned his head, meeting his brother's eyes. Sirius looked kind of like a rockstar, overdressed but somehow underdressed in jeans and what seemed to be a woman’s silk blouse tucked into them, his leather jacket over it. His boyfriend trailed behind him, taller than Sirius, and Regulus, and James, even, wearing a plain button-up tucked into tapered black plaid trousers that were rolled up at the ankles. Remus dressed like a librarian sometimes, and the few times he’d met Regulus had talked about books with him. Regulus liked him if he was honest. He was far too nice for Sirius.
“Hi,” he said shortly, offering a weak smile. Sirius didn’t seem much impressed by his presence, running a hand through his hair as he looked at James.
“Ah, Evans!” Sirius let go of Regulus, spreading his hands as he gestured around the room. “You’re acquainted with my brother, I assume?”
“We were just chatting! You don’t look much alike!” She decided.
He shrugged in response. “Raised differently,” Regulus frowned at the comment, but didn’t say anything. “You been up to see them?”
“Not yet,” Regulus blanched slightly.
“I’ll accompany you, They might not be as hard on me when I’m with the prodigal son.” He said it in a laughing tone which made Regulus feel queasy, his gaze falling away from his brother. He ended up looking at James again, who was frowning at Sirius. Their eyes met for a second, and it almost seemed like James wanted to say something. But Sirius had a hand on his shoulder again and was steering him towards the top of the room.
“What are they saving today? Dolphins? Fleas? Fur coats?” Sirius pulled a glass of champagne off a random waiters tray as they passed.
Regulus shrugged, a hand in his pocket as he walked to avoid fidgeting. “All of the above, I assume.”
“You moved out, I hear,” he hummed.
“Just after the cousins wedding,” he confirmed.
“Narcissa’s?” Sirius questioned, and Regulus nodded. “I hear her new husband doesn’t believe in evolution.”
“Doesn’t surprise me. He seems the type.”
Their parents looked grand, with tight smiles on their faces as they bid farewell to a couple who wandered away looking pleased with their conversation. Their sons were next in line to greet them and their smiles seemed to tighten significantly as they saw them.
“Regulus…” His mother wandered her word, elongating it. “You look well.”
She squeezed his shoulders, offering up a polite kiss on the cheek which Regulus returned. His father shook his hand. “Son,” he murmured in greeting. He offered a look towards his firstborn son, a slight nod. “Sirius..”
Sirius didn’t get shoulder squeezes or handshakes. He simply got a cold look, as usual. Sirius seemed used to it by now, but Regulus never would be. It made his skin feel too hot, and his stomach hurt. “Lovely room,” he said, trying to steer the conversation away from the dangerous ground.
“Quite,” Walburga nodded. She never really looked like she knew what to say to him. “Did you bring a date, Regulus?”
“Not today, no,” he shook his head, taking a sip of his champagne.
She frowned. “Bring one to the next, yes? I’d love to meet a girl of yours.” She said it as if there were hundreds, but Regulus had never had a girlfriend. He didn’t know where she got this perception of him. But he realised it was pointed as she shrugged, daintily. “It would be lovely to see my son in a nice relationship.”
Sirius let out a cold laugh that made Regulus feel sick. “Always a pleasure,” he replied, walking away without a second thought.
“You didn’t have to say that,” he sighed, his voice small.
His mother looked dismissive as she waved a hand. “Maybe you should mingle, Regulus. I see the Potter boy brought a nice girl.. Maybe she has a friend.” Orion nodded along, and he realised they had had enough of him for the day.
He wandered away slowly, his legs seeming to work in slow motion. He drained his champagne glass on the way, his eyes travelling around the room as he swapped his empty glass for a fresh one. He had finished that by the time he reached the double doors to the lobby. He left it on a table holding a vase as he passed, escaping through the front entrance, held by doormen.
He ended up in the smoking area, which was empty. The sun which had shone when he was leaving his apartment was hidden behind clouds now. It would probably rain. English summertime was unreliable like that.
He pulled his cigarette pack from his blazer pocket, his hands threatening to shake as he pulled a single cigarette from it. The lighter, which James gave him, sparked right away, and he inhaled his first breath as he watched the orange glow slowly disappear behind a pile-up of ash.
He ended up sitting on the ground, his knees pulled up to his chest as he took drag after drag, smoke circling his head. He lit another one as soon as his first was done, unable to help himself. The nicotine relaxed him.
James found him as he was finishing his third, procrastination on going back inside driving him to keep going, rather than anxious. James stopped at his feet, nudging his Oxford with his Converse. “Sirius is looking for you.”
“He’s not doing a very good job,” Regulus murmured, cigarette clamped between his lips at the side of his mouth. He didn’t look up at James, but he could feel him watching him.
“You’ve been gone a good few minutes,” James’ voice was quiet. He sounded like he was approaching a wild animal. As if Regulus could snap at any second and kill him. He wouldn’t, obviously. But it didn’t stop James from acting as though that were the case.
“Mhm,” Regulus sounded. He tipped ash from the end of his cigarette. “It’s hell in there.”
“Isn’t it usually?” His tone was light, but his joke felt flat to Regulus, who remained frowning. James sighed, moving to slide down the wall beside him, mirroring his position of knees up to his chest, holding out his hand. “You seem off today.”
Regulus took a last drag before handing the cigarette to James, who gladly accepted it. “They’re so impossible about Sirius,” he murmured. “They ask me, every fucking time if I’m going to bring a girl to one of these things… I can’t imagine bringing anyone to one of these things!”
James sighed, exhaling smoke as he did so. Regulus watched the ground, the silence passing between them almost awkward, but not quite. They passed the cigarette back and forth a few times before Regulus decided to speak, feeling suffocated by the silence. “Lily’s nice.”
“She is,” James nodded, tipping ash again. “She’s quite… Happy.”
“You like happy,” Regulus pointed out. James made a noise that didn’t sound convincing in the slightest, which forced Regulus to look at him.”Don’t you?”
James shrugged a single shoulder, taking a final drag. “Something just feels… off I guess.” He shrugged again. “She’s nice, though. Might just be me.”
“Maybe,” Regulus shrugged as well. “She seems good for you.”
James ignored the comment, looking away. “Are you leaving?”
He thought about it before nodding. “There’s nothing for me in there. Safer to head home.”
“Sirius worries about you,” James said as Regulus stood up. “He just isn't good at showing it, but he cares. I know he does.”
Regulus nodded, brushing himself off. “Well, I’m fine. Just tell him you couldn’t find me.”
“I'll see you at Hogwarts right?” He sounded almost hopeful.
Regulus nodded again, offering a sort of half-smile. “Yeah. You’ll see me.”